Merry Evasion

Week 6, Day 5

It sucked to wake up today and find that Granger has sent everyone else home for the holidays. Yeah, yeah, I get that he's sick of their complaining. The base isn't that bad compared to what the troops deal with day in and day out. But seriously, why everyone BUT me? I may not have much family to go back to. But I have Deeks. And I can't help but feel that being sent here, and then not being allowed home when everyone else is, might be punishment. And I know I sound like a whining little girl - but it's not fair. I miss him, damn it. I know I hate the holidays but I can't help but wonder if it might be a bit fun with Deeks. Of course, he loves the holidays and I hope he's not miserable being alone. Hetty had better make sure he's taken care of and doesn't spend Christmas Day alone.

But more realistically, Granger seems to think that a good chance to get the White Ghost is coming up. There have been a lot of people and a lot of money moving around, which usually precedes an attack. And if the White Ghost is involved, then it might be the chance we need. So if staying here for Christmas means we can get this stupid mission over with, I'll take it.

I was surprised to see Sabatino. Of course, he's "not here" the same way Granger and I are. But it was kind of nice to see a familiar face. We took some time to catch up and discuss the Sidirov case. I couldn't bring myself to tell him in detail what happened but he knew that Sam and Deeks had suffered. But God, what about Deeks? He hasn't had nightmares for a while but what if they're back haunting him now, and I'm not there? No one else knows how to make them stay away so he can sleep. I'm almost tempted to contact Hetty or Nell - someone to let them know what he needs. But I can't. Because if this is punishment for getting too close to my partner, that will only make it worse. I just hate not having his back.

Anyhow, Sabatino said that he wished he could have been there, but apparently he was pulled and sent over here. Today he'd just gotten back from 3 weeks out in the desert, and it showed. He demolished the food left in the fridge. Just the smell of some of it made me feel sick, but he just pointed out it was better than rodent. To be honest, seeing some of what he was eating, I'm not entirely convinced.

But he told me more about this mission than anyone else had. Apparently Sanders, the guy sent here before me to take out the White Ghost, was found beheaded. So now I can't help but wonder if this is a suicide mission as punishment. While I doubt Hetty would send me to my death for one mistake, I'm not sure the same can be said about Granger. Then again my dad trusted him so he can't be all bad.

I'd love to know why he thinks it wasn't important for me to know. Did he think I would chicken out? Or did he really think it didn't matter? I mean, yeah, I didn't expect the enemy to welcome us but knowing the guy before me was beheaded would have encouraged a bit of extra caution on my part.

Sabatino just came in. He's being an ass - he had the nerve to ask if I had a boob job for work or for pleasure. What the hell is with that? As if I would! The only thing I can think is he's delusional - or that somehow the layers of baggy clothes do something for him. But either way - he's an ass. And if I catch him staring at me like that again, HE's the one going to be found beheaded in the desert. Maybe I should tell him that his plans to rent a camel and go clubbing are off the table now...

Week 7, Day 2

I finally got to leave the base camp. It's about time. Not that there's much to see - desert, desert and desert. But at least we got out. We came back to find a Christmas tree and lights everywhere. Even the trailer was decorated. Granger rolled his eyes when I got excited. I told him he was being a Grinch.

I still think Sabatino is an ass, but I will admit he can cook. He had a Christmas "Turkey" waiting for us. God it smelled amazing. I know it was actually a vulture but played along. Granger wasn't game to try it but that's his loss. It tasted just as amazing as it smelled. Maybe Sabatino is right. He isn't just a "pretty face" (although I would argue he isn't even that) but he can cook.

Week 7, Day 3

Well, Merry Christmas.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling very merry. But then I got a package from Hetty. At first I couldn't help but laugh at her regifting - a fruit cake. But in the tin, there was a sat phone with 2 numbers programmed into it.

The first number was Hetty, of course. It was wonderful to get to talk to her. But unfortunately she let me in on the rest of my mission. It seems there's a mole here and she needs me to sniff them out somehow. It explains why Sanders was beheaded, and why it's taken so long to track down the White Ghost. While it was so wonderful to hear from her, I'm not happy about the complication of a mole. And that's going to make it a lot harder to finish up here and get home to Deeks...

The second number was Hetty's present to Deeks. It was his own sat phone, so he and I can talk. She obviously knows something is going on between us, but I don't even care. I'm just so grateful I got to talk to him. He actually seemed to be in pretty good spirits for the holidays, which was a relief. I don't want him to struggle while I'm gone. He made a crack about "Monty" moping around the house listening to Tori Amos all day, and I have to wonder how much of that is true... (of Deeks of course. Not sure Tori Amos is Monty's favourite singer.) It was wonderful to listen to him cracking jokes and I couldn't help but laugh until I cried. God, I miss him. I know I won't be able to talk to him as much as I'd like - but at least it's something. I told him about Sabatino's crack about going out clubbing. Without mentioning Sabatino of course... I wish I could tell him everything, it would really help if I had someone to bounce ideas off of and to discuss the mole and the White Ghost and everything else. But I know that it's all classified and that means I can't even tell Deeks...

I didn't admit to him, either, just how much I miss him. After Jack, I swore I would never cry over a man again. But almost every night, I'm finding myself in tears thinking about how much I miss him. This just isn't me. I wish I could snap out of it!