A/N: Thanks for all the feedback. You guys are amazing!
Fear
Timendi Causa Est Nescire
oOo
Rodney was staring at the ceiling over his bed. He had tried to work, had tried to play Minesweeper, Battleship, even Space Invaders, but even looking at the screen for five minutes made his head hurt.
It was pointless. His head seemed to have turned into a useless appendage. His brain was essential to the survival of not only himself, but at least to the rest of the City as well and it wasn't working anymore. Ruined, just like that. Ford and his cronies had ruined his brain for good.
Carson had reassured him that it wasn't so bad and that the light sensitivity, fatigue and irritability would pass eventually. But what other was there to expect from the medical profession, except reassurances that everything would be all right.
After his mind had finally cleared enough to know where he was, Rodney had fled the infirmary as soon as he had managed to stand on his own legs. His memory of the two days that had passed in between his arrival through the Stargate and what passed for sanity was sketchy, but what he did remember horrified him.
If only a fraction of what he recalled from his time in the infirmary was true, he'd do good never to cross Carson's path again, which would be a shame as Carson had been a good friend and they went back a long time. They had met at Area 51, but Rodney had to cringe at the memory of what he had screamed at his former friends when the withdrawal had set in. Carson had stayed with him during the entire time, but for once Rodney wished he hadn't.
It would make things easier for them; he would still be able to be in the same room as Carson. Right now, staying in his room forever seemed to be the only logical option. Rodney was thoroughly screwed. He rolled himself on his stomach and sighed.
There was a knock on the door just as Rodney had flipped back on his backside.
"Go away!" Couldn't they leave him alone for one hour? Everyone knew where he was and he certainly wasn't going anywhere. He had agreed to see Kate, not that he had had any other choice. He wasn't going back to work until Kate cleared him; those were Elizabeth's orders.
"Rodney?" It was Radek Zelenka.
"Forget it, Radek! Go back to work!"
Atlantis soundproofing made it impossible to hear anything more coming from the corridor, but Radek seemed to have left. Slightly more satisfied, Rodney rolled on his stomach again.
It should have been over. Their happy, triumphant return to Atlantis. Even being dragged home by Major Lorne would have been all right, if it had ended at the Stargate. Rodney had escaped Ford's clutches, but there had been no happy homecoming, not for him. Sheppard had come out on top, as usual. Even Conan and Xena had performed up to their usual warrior standards. The smartest guy in the Pegasus Galaxy had nearly died of an overdose of alien speed. It was unfair and it made Rodney mad.
Rodney punched his pillow.
oOo
"How are you feeling today?"
"Like everybody doesn't know! How should I feel? Can you tell me?" Rodney crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at Kate Heightmeyer. The whole control room had gotten a free show when he had stumbled through the Gate, stoned out of his mind after escaping from Ford's merry band of junkies. His memory was hazy, but after having been forcedly high for two weeks straight and having given himself a massive overdose before managing to escape, he had only managed crazed ramblings before hitting the ground.
"I can't tell you how you should feel. How do you feel?" Kate repeated her question.
"I wish it never happened, but we can't have that, now can we?"
God, there was so much that never should have happened: the cancellation of Star Trek, the awakening of the Wraith, Gaul's suicide...maybe not in this order. But not even Colonel Carter had figured out time travel yet, and she was the only person in the universe who was smarter than him and there was that rumour going around Area 51 that she had gone back in time once.
"No, that is not possible. Do you regret your actions?"
Regret was such an awful word. Hindsight was always 20-20. Everyone could come afterwards and mince words; being there was another thing. Done was done, such were the laws of physics. And until they changed, regret was a waste of time.
"I don't regret what I did." Rodney meant it.
Kate looked at him and said nothing for a while. "You took a great risk for the sake of your team when you escaped. What were you thinking when you injected yourself with the enzyme?"
Rodney shook his head. He knew what he should say. That he had wanted to save his team. Sheppard would say that he was the kind of guy who was willing to give up his life for others. He would shoot up to help his team escape, so why shouldn't Rodney do the same? But it wasn't that easy. For Sheppard maybe, he was a professional hero. Want somebody to save the world? Ask Colonel John Sheppard. He had thrown himself at the opportunity to fly the Jumper into the Wraith ship when the remote control had failed work.
Well, maybe he hadn't thrown himself; he just knew what needed to get done. Rodney had been thinking about his own ass.
"I don't remember."
Oh he did. He had been scared and desperate—a mixture that had inspired many stupid actions in the history of man. He had probably been lucky that he had only provided a spectacle, the news of which would soon reach Earth, and had killed off some invaluable brain cells in the course of his desperation actions. But it was better than being dead.
"What can you tell me about the time Lieutenant Ford was holding you prisoner? What do you remember about that time?"
Too much. It hadn't been bad. Ford could have done a lot worse, a lot if he had wanted to make them suffer. He had certainly picked up a couple of tricks in the marines. Kolya had gotten Rodney talking within thirty seconds. One deep cut was all it had taken; his mind had done the rest. But the Genii were hardly pioneers; they had been going at this on Earth for a lot longer.
"I'm sure everything is in Sheppard's report."
"Yes, I have read Colonel Sheppard's report, and I know that you were under the influence of the enzyme."
Yes, Ford had the enzyme and in a way it was worse than what Kolya had done.
"Just tell me what you remember. It doesn't matter if it is just an impression or a feeling," Kate encouraged.
"Warm, it was always too warm."
It had been the enzyme. He had felt the wash of heat shortly after every injection, filling his body with a burn that had continued for hours. It had felt like being trapped in the Nevada desert heat, midday.
"What else can you recall about those two weeks?"
Rodney didn't want to talk about it now, anymore than he wanted to talk about it when Carson had asked him three days ago.
"It's all in my report and the parts I missed because the truant lieutenant thinks a stoned scientist can do a better job than a sober one are in the major's report. He obviously managed to play the military card."
Kate was impassive at his anger. "What do you think Colonel Sheppard could have done differently?"
"What should I know? Ford was listening to him, not to us! He stood by and watched us get drugged."
"In the end it was you who was in the position to get a message through to Atlantis. Maybe there was just nothing the colonel could have done to change the situation. Your team was vastly outnumbered and outgunned by Ford's men. You should talk to Colonel Sheppard."
"You know, I probably should." Rodney didn't smile. He got up from the couch.
"That's a good idea," Kate said and nodded. "Tomorrow at the same time?"
"I don't have much of a choice there." Rodney shrugged. He was suddenly tired; much of the fight had left him. Carson had said that fatigue was one of the withdrawal symptoms he still might have to deal with over the next few weeks.
"I think you still have quite a bit to talk about. So I'll see you tomorrow?"
Rodney walked out the door without reply. He couldn't face anyone, as the awareness of his all too public enzyme addiction and withdrawal hurt more than the lingering symptoms. Rodney took the opposite direction from his quarters and headed for the eastern part of the City.
The Eastern Pier was deserted. It was a cool morning and the sea was restless. Rodney sat down against one of the massive support beams, pulled his knees close and wrapped his arms around them.
He would be lying if he said he regretted injecting himself with the enzyme. Ford's junkie friends probably wouldn't have killed him. They had been sharp enough to realize that he was an asset. If he hadn't taken the massive enzyme dose, he would still be where he had been a week ago. He would be a prisoner. Only now, he would be alone.
He had to admit it, he had felt a lot safer, even held prisoner in a camp of guerrilla warriors while his team was around. His only asset was his mind, and once Ford had messed with it, he'd pretty much become useless. He would probably have been of more use to them if he hadn't been jumping out of his skin at every turn. It had been a tool to control him and it had worked. Rodney resented it.
Rodney didn't hear the footfalls until Radek was almost besides him. When he did turn and spotted him, he was furious.
"What is it! Leave me alone!" Rodney jumped to his feet.
"Rodney. Dr. Beckett was worried when he didn't find you. He just wanted to know where you were." Radek spoke deliberately slow.
"That's none of his goddamn business. And neither is it yours. I did what I had to do. Would you rather I was stuck back on the planet with Ford so that you can keep my job? Is that it?"
"You know that's not true. Come back with me to the infirmary. Carson has discovered a new side effect, and he is very worried. He needs to see you." Radek pleaded and took a step closer to Rodney. Rodney let him approach.
"What side effects?"
"I don't know. Something has happened to Colonel Sheppard. Carson is worried that the same might happen to you and the others."
oOo
Ronon and Teyla were already gathered in the infirmary, sitting on opposite beds in the main hall. Rodney couldn't see John anywhere. He wondered whether the colonel had already been released if Carson was that concerned.
Carson sat down, crossed and uncrossed his arms, as if steeling himself for the conversation ahead.
Rodney was impatient. Radek hadn't been able to give him any detail, and the matter concerned Rodney personally. "What's going on?"
"I'm aware that there has been a lot of fall-out from the last two weeks, but there might have been something else affecting you that I didn't know about before. I assumed that the symptoms you were experiencing were due to your exposure to the enzyme, but there might have been other factors involved."
"What kind of factors?" Ronon asked.
"I have no idea yet, but Colonel Sheppard came in with highly abnormal patterns of neurological activity. I can only attribute them to the some sort of environmental exposure at this point, but I can't rule anything out. That's why I need to check all of you out. Symptoms include aggression, severe depression and memory loss. It's normal that you are feeling somewhat down after coming off the enzyme, but the aggression should have passed after it's out of your systems."
That was basically how Rodney felt—minus the memory loss. He couldn't help the fear sneaking into his thoughts as Carson continued.
"I can't tell you how severe this problem is. I wish I could. Colonel Sheppard seems to be stable right now, but he did quite a bit of damage and his neural activity is still off the charts. Hopefully we'll be able to prevent or at least control any episodes, should they be a result of something you all have been exposed to.
The fear was cold and hard now. Until now, his memory had had least been shaded by the drug, providing a faint comfort. It hadn't been much, but it had given him something to cling to. Now it might start all over again and there was no chance he could avoid Carson while being in the infirmary.
"Rodney?" Carson walked up to him. "We should get started. We'll start with the MRI. You had one of those before at the SGC."
"You don't need to patronize me," Rodney replied acidly, but didn't look at Carson.
"I know this isn't easy for you, Rodney. But we are here for you, even if you don't want us around right now," Carson said gently.
"Let's just get it over with." Rodney slipped off the bed he was sitting on.
"All right. You know the drill. Take off your uniform trousers and anything metal you have on you."
oOo
Carson handed Rodney a small towel. Rodney wordlessly accepted and started wiping the biogel off his forehead, only to rub it into his hair.
"It washes out. Until you get a chance to shower, you might have to take a leaf out of the colonel's book." Carson grinned, but the levity in his voice sounded forced.
Rodney sat back, exhausted after three hours after tests. "What's the verdict?"
"Well, the EEG looks fine; that's good news. Your brain activity seems to be within normal parameters. The MRI turned up nothing, but I wasn't expecting anything. The PET scan showed activity patterns that have been connected with depression. That is what concerns me. Colonel Sheppard had a pretty severe episode earlier this morning."
"Is the colonel all right?" Rodney was starting to worry, despite his own fear and exhaustion.
"I don't know. He is stable for now, but that's pretty much all I can say for now," Carson replied and sat down on the exam bed next to Rodney.
"You probably won't like this, but it would be a good idea for you to stay in the infirmary, at least until I have a clearer idea what is going on."
"That could take days." Rodney hadn't meant to say that aloud, but Carson didn't comment.
"I want to run a scan with the Ancient Bio Analyzer on you and since it only works on people with the gene, Teyla and Ronon aren't candidates. It will take some time to evaluate the results. In the meantime, to confirm to PET scan results, I'm going to do another blood scan to do evaluate your brain chemistry. The first blood scan turned up nothing probative, but I was looking specifically for infections, trace of toxins and signs of allergic reactions," Carson explained.
"I'll stay until you are done with the lab work, but I can stare at the ceiling just as well in my quarters." Rodney fidgeted nervously. He needed to get out of the infirmary. The past three hours had taken up every bit of self-control he had.
The prospect of a MRI made Rodney nervous under the best of circumstances. He hated small spaces.
Wide open fields. Wide open fields.
Rodney had kept repeating his mantra during the scan. When it had finally been over, he had been trembling. He had hoped Carson wouldn't notice but there was probably no chance of that.
"What did you have to eat today?" Carson's question came out of nowhere.
Rodney hesitated. "I can't really remember."
"You were in such a rush to leave the infirmary this morning that you missed breakfast and we have been here since before lunch time." Carson's voice didn't carry any reproach even though Rodney knew he deserved it. He didn't need to wait for the inevitable blood sugar test. The routine was familiar.
Fifteen minutes later, he was sipping apple juice. For the moment, things were improving. Carson had disappeared for the moment; one of his minions had delivered the juice. The effects of the sugar were kicking in fast, and Rodney started to feel less shaky and the wooziness was clearing up.
Finished with the juice, Rodney put the container down on the table and hopped off the bed.
TBC