SOME SORT OF HELLO

WELCOME AGAIN, MY POW-WOW-PAL

ARE YOU EXCITED TO READ THIS THING? WE'RE NOT EXCITED TO WRITE IT

BUT DUDE, THIS HERE HAS BEEN ONE BUSY WEEK, EH? PRETTY GOSH DIDDLY DARN HECTIC?

TELL YOU WHAT BROTHER FROM THE GUTTER, I'LL PAY YOU A SLIPPERY FAVOUR

YOU GIVE ME SUMMADAT DOSH IN YER WALLET AND I'LL TEEL YOU A SPICY STORY

HONESTLY THIS THING HERE IS SO POINTLESS TO WRITE NOW THAT WE CAN'T RECAP THE LAST EPISODE OF GAME OF THRONES

BUT ALAS, IT IS TRADITION NOW, WE ARE SLAVES TO OUR OWN DESIGNS

AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, THE VOICES IN MY EAR HAVE REQUESTED MOST EARNESTLY TO DEDICATE THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER TO MONKEYS

THEY WHISPER, AND I QUOTE, 'I FUCKING LOVE MONKEYS MAN'

THEY WOULDN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MONKEYS AND APES THIS ENTIRE TIME

THEY EXPLAINED EVERY POSSIBLE REASON WHY MONKEYS ARE FUNNY

THEY WOULDN'T STOP LOOKING UP ONLINE LISTS LIKE 'TOP TEN COMICS FEATURING MONKEYS'

THEY KEPT ON FUCKING LAUGHING AT THE MONKEYS

I FUCKING HATE THIS

Chapter 2 – Monkeys in the Zoo (also fuck you)

So they're in space. You thought they were crashing in space? Nah mate, they were chillin' in space. I mean I think they're having troubles? You may recall Milkshake the monkey commenting something to this effect. Honestly we're not sure ourselves, so we'll just see where this goes. Brother.

So, Theon, or Mr Mesozoic, is all like, 'Is this space?' And the crew were like, 'yeah. We're in a meteor belt though, to be more specific.' The motorbike man, known as Congleton, had turned his arm into a steering wheel (no I won't say how his motorbike has a steering wheel on it, put your fucking hand down) and was kind of like navigating their way through the treacherous meteor field! No I don't know how his steering wheel operates the ship, please fuck off! I don't know how space works, I honestly just wanted to write a space adventure but I don't know anything about space. I don't even really like space adventures all that much. We may go back to Westeros in a bit. We haven't planned this.

Robin suddenly grabbed Theon by the fucking neck, and leant in close so that Theon could feel his warm breath on his neck; it smelt of roasted nuts. Robin spoke in his quaint Disney voice, though Theon felt that this lovely voice was somewhat offset by the fact that he was being throttled. 'This is your first trial! Don't balls it up, bro! Go forth and become one with space!'

'I don't want to become one with space! I'm just a child!' cried Theon.

'You're going to become a space child soon, bro! Hold on tight, space sprog!' At that moment, the chair that Theon had absentmindedly settled his arse in locked restraints around his limbs, and began to rise with a low mechanical whirring. 'I shall explain your first task for you! You must rise out of that suspicious hole in the roof of our spaceship and go up top to activate our hyperspeed drive thing! The nomenclature is lost on me, but this matters little! And then we shall escape this horrible meteorite field thing, and we shall be off on our way to space epiphanies about Christmas and stuff!'

'But it's space outside!' shouted Theon as the chair rose up through the space hole. But it was too late, Theon had already fucking died in space. He froze, and then he kind of fucking exploded, his sad body parts drifting away into the dark void of space. It was the most fucked up thing Robin had ever seen, and he was very ashamed that he was the one who had caused this.

'You dolt!' shouted Milkshake. 'Children can't survive in space!'

'Fuck, you're right, bro!' replied Robin. 'Now who's going to activate our hyperspeed drive thing?!'

Meanwhile, Theon had awoken once again in the void. He drifted on a crimson cloud in an empty plain of colourless nothingness, not properly formed on account of his body having fucking exploded a few seconds prior. Theon, bodiless, saw the world from innumerable angles all at once, now that this purgatory had broadened his state of mind to allow such an impossibility. Jesus once again stood in front of him, now in the form of a tiger man with a giant fucking shotgun in his hand; he has given up trying to be like eldritch esoteric entities, now he's going full-out dumb because it's not like he has to give any sort of a shit. He levelled his shotgun at Theon.

'Stay the fuck back,' he growled, the weird tiger mouth distorting his words (dude what the fuck is up with tiger mouths, with like their little puffy cheek things on their top lip, mad). The fact that this was becoming a common occurrence for Theon, and thus he was not fazed by it, did not frighten Theon anywhere near as much as it should.

'It appears that you have suffered an injustice, Mr Giblets', intoned Jesus. 'However, the cosmic clock is bonging its decisive bongs for your future.' The world suddenly started violently shaking, thought Jesus stood tall through it, as thunderous bongs resounded throughout reality. Like one of those seeing-eye pictures you have to kind of like squint at and go cross-eyed at in order to properly see, Theon suddenly noticed that the oppressive colourless nothingness had shifted somehow to reveal a huge fucking clock, with too many numbers on it and mosaic patterns of staring, crying eyes. It was showing the time 7:12.

'Do you see the truth?' asked Jesus.

'What… is this the time that I died?' ventured Theon.

Jesus frowned, which looked really fucking weird on his tiger face. 'I mean, I guess so, probably. But shut up about that, that shit doesn't matter. Look at what the time actually is, Mr Giblets. It's 7:12. That means it's time for gifts.'

Jesus threw a wrapped present at Theon that looked a lot like a bicycle. Theon got excited, because he'd always wanted a bicycle, to be able to cruise around the cobblestones streets of his hometown, and wouldn't that be radical. He ripped apart the wrapping paper rapidly, a big dumb fucking terrible grin slapped on his face. But no, he was fooled once more, because when he opened his present, he did not find a bicycle. He found a space helmet. Jesus is a tricksy sort.

'Sometimes people die in space. I will reform you from the atoms of the universe.'

'What?'

Suddenly Theon was reformed from the atoms of the universe, from atop his weird space chair. He was wearing his newly acquired space helmet, which kind of but not really helped alleviate the horror of what happened next; he found his newly materialised form spattered with the frozen blood and guts of his previously exploded self. I mean it is space, so it's kind of like floating around him; he's caught in like a miasma of his own frozen gore. Like that bit in Jason X when Jason shoves some chick's head in liquid nitrogen and smashes it against a table top, or maybe like sticking your head in a strawberry slushie machine. That's pretty fucked.

So yeah everyone's freaking out in the space ship, giving Robin a pretty hard time. But I mean come on, we all make mistakes. Who hasn't, at some point in their life, been accidentally responsible for the explosion of a child? And I mean he was apologetic, but the crew was just rubbing salt in his wounds. What twats.

'What the ping-pong?!' cried Theon from within his cloud of his past self's blood. (He said 'ping-pong' because he's a horrible child, let's be reasonable. Who knows what other incredible swear words he has at his disposal?!)

'Holy shit bro! The child lives on!' cried Robin. He pushed Milkshake's angry monkey face away. 'Calm your coconuts, my simian pal! The sprog has returned from beyond the veil, to activate our hyperspeed drive thing! Child, press the magic hyper button up over there!'

'Why is the button that activates the hyperspeed thing on the roof of the funking spaceship?' choked Theon through the blood mist. 'I'm just a stupid idiot child, but even I can see that this seems to be a stupid decision!'

Robin began a big stupid long explanation to justify this dumb button positioning. 'You see, this is a roof goblin friendly ship! There exist certain species of space goblin who have adapted to a solely roof-based living, but alas, this means that it is hard for them to find jobs where they cannot be on top of things! And so, in order to keep such valuable members of the community in work, we got a goblin friendly ship, so that he can be up there to press the button! Unfortunately, we accidentally left the space station without our hired roof goblin Moonshoes (he was called Moonshoes because his magenta moonshoes are his prized possession), because we forgot to go up to the roof of the space station to get him! We've been on this journey for like six weeks now, because we ain't got hyperspeed. We should have gotten it done in like a day! This is like a simple delivery job, delivering this here little picture of a man wearing a hat to his nephew!' He held up the picture to prove this. The man in the picture was wearing a hat.

'Wow, what a funny entertaining story!' said a voice from the bin. It went ignored, because we don't acknowledge the thing from space that lives in a bin.

Theon was not entertained by this story. He had zoned out of the story and already pressed the button. No one had noticed that they had already travelled through hyperspace and arrived at their random space destination because they were all too engrossed in the story. When Congleton the pilot looked back through the big ole space windows to see what the fuck was gwarnin', he was shocked to see that they were now crashing into the surface of an uncharted planet.

He swivels around on his rad captain's chair and says, in the tinny pre-recorded voice of Congleton's creator, 'Ey boss, we 'bout to crash into this 'ere planet!'

'Oh, you fucking idiot!' shouted Milkshake. He whipped out his phone from one of the many pockets sewn onto his exquisite hat, took a picture of Robin for his SnapChat story, and captioned it, 'Twat' before uploading.

In was in this moment, where Yusef the pineapple man, stood up in one languid motion, pulled a pistol from the pocket of his suit, and efficiently shot the woman wearing the Donnie Darko t-shirt in the head. The woman fell down without a sound, resting in a pool of her own blood.

Yusef, pistol in hand, turned to look at the rest of the crew. Though his pineapple face had no real facial features, managed to look sufficiently menacing. 'That was a demonstration, to make sure none of you try to be a hero. I have been hired by my employer to eliminate-'

'Holy fuck, who the fuck is that!' screamed Milkshake, screeching like a monkey (because that's what he is) and pointing at the resting corpse of the woman with the Donnie Darko t-shirt.

'Holy fuck, who is that woman?!' shouted Robin. 'Where the fuck did she come from?! There's only like… five people on this crew!'

'Six, if you include that Pirates of the Caribbean fan stowaway,' said the thing in the bin. 'Also shouldn't we get Theon down from the chair…?' Theon was beginning to burn up as he entered the atmosphere at high velocity. The thing in the bin went ignored, because such was the way.

'This woman had no fucking reason to be here on this crew!' continued a ranting Robin.

'Unless…' thought Milkshake. 'Unless she was a FUCKING ASSASSIN! A BOUNTY HUNTER, ON A CONTRACT TO MURDER US ALL!'

'Of course! She must have snuck in here under cover of darkness, with intentions of murdering us all while we slept! God, how fucking NEFARIOUS!'

'No, no, you don't understand,' butted in Yusef, slightly peeved that his efforts of being a suave bounty hunter were being undermined. 'I am here to-'

And then they crashed through the atmosphere. The ship starts falling apart, shit gets really noisy. Theon, still stuck on the roof, burns to a crisp within seconds, his ashy remains fluttering away as the ship sails to earth. The other crew members are veterans though, so I doubt they'll die.

When Theon next reformed from the atoms of the universe, he was standing amidst the smoking chunks of metal debris that was once their ship. Still on top of the ship, he was now able to easily slide off onto the ground, which was sandy and ecru-coloured.

Everyone seemed to be okay, with the possible exception of Milkshake's slight headache. And I guess the corpse of the woman in the Donnie Darko t-shirt. Yusef, he of the pineapple head, looked at his crewmembers with poorly disguised contempt. He had hidden his gun for now, for he could not kill his targets when he had no means to escape. And with this ruined ship, he'd have to find another means to get back to his employer before he could eliminate these interstellar ruffians.

'Ah, young master Mesozoic!' yelled Robin, strutting on over to Theon, who was standing looking concerned about everything. Jesus had appeared to him in the form of a slug this time. 'You have just been responsible for the crashing of my ship, bro! You should have informed us! Nevertheless, the siren call for adventure drives us forward! We must find out what is going on on this here sandy planet, and then perhaps we can find a way to get going again, so we can deliver this picture of a man wearing a hat to its rightful owner! Yar-har!' Theon just nodded, trying to forget about how he'd woken up next to the ashen remains of his past self.

So they regrouped, they're all together. The thing from space is with them, but it rolls a little bit behind, because we don't want to acknowledge him. Off they bumbled, through these sandy wastes, under the soft orange clouds, towards whatever challenges that await them.

AHAHA FUCK YOU, YOU THOUGHT THIS CHAPTER WOULD END ON A QUIET POIGNANT NOTE? NAH FUCK THAT. On the horizon, they spotted a cloud of dust coming towards them, and before they could realise what was the origin of this cloud, it was too late. Suddenly, they were surrounded by hooting figures on huge roaring motorbikes. But these weren't ordinary people, oh no! They were big hairy apes! In black and white striped suits! With tommy guns! OH SHIIIIIIITTTT!

WOAH WASN'T THAT A STAR-SPANGLED SPANGLER

ERM

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GOODNIGHT