Chapter 2

It hit him so suddenly and so deeply that it took his breath away. Jarrod couldn't even make a noise, so he took himself to the nearest chair and got down into it as fast as he could. He didn't hear Heath ask him what he wanted to drink, and he didn't hear their voices calling to him. As he fumbled for one of his handy little devils, he felt Maggie kneel beside him, and as soon as he put the pill under his tongue, he grabbed her arm.

He wasn't afraid. He was certain it would ease off, but the pain was monstrous and he needed her arm to help him stay upright in the chair. He crammed his eyes closed. He didn't look at the rest of his family members – he didn't want to see how alarmed they were. He didn't want to see anyone or anything until the pain passed. It took long minutes to begin to pass.

And as it did, he realized, this was the first time he'd had an angina attack in front of anyone except Heath and Maggie, and it was the first time he'd had one in front of everyone all at once.

The pain eased. The embarrassment grew.

He finally looked up and smiled. "No need to worry. My handy little devil is doing its job."

He squeezed Maggie's arm, and he smiled at the terror in the faces of everyone else.

"It looks scarier than it is," Heath said, but he couldn't smile. He'd seen this before, in that alley at Christmastime, when Jarrod had collapsed into his arms. It looked every bit as scary this time.

Jarrod began to stand. Maggie steadied him, and Nick came over to offer a stronger arm. But Jarrod waved him off. "I'm all right now. I'm sorry this happened now, but maybe it's just as well it did. You all need to know that the pills work and it all passes in a little while."

Victoria and Audra sat back down, but it was too difficult to go on with idle chatter as if nothing had happened.

"Some brandy, Jarrod?" Heath asked quietly.

"Good idea," Jarrod said.

Heath poured a bit of brandy into a snifter and handed it to Jarrod. He took a sip, smiled at Maggie holding his arm and at his other family members, trying to put them at ease.

He decided not to ignore it, but to talk about it. "I really am all right. You have to believe me that I'm not lying about that."

"It's not that we think you're lying, Jarrod," Victoria said. "It's just that – until now, I for one didn't fully understand what you were going through." Her voice cracked a little when she said it.

"Well, now you can see that while it might look a bit dramatic, it's not," Jarrod said. "It's kind of like a cramp, I'd say, except that instead of having it my leg, I get it in my heart."

"You're sure you're all right?" Nick asked quietly.

Jarrod nodded. "I'm sure. I'm already as good as new. And my sweet wife has seen a few of these go by. She knows how to see me through them." He put his arm around her and squeezed.

Maggie smiled and was not putting on a front, but she wasn't taking it as lightly as Jarrod was, either. This had been a worse attack than usual, and he was upset that it had happened in front of everyone. She wasn't afraid, but she wasn't at ease with it either. She said, "Jarrod's right. It looks worse than it really is."

Jarrod sipped at his brandy again and smiled. "All right, enough about me," he said. "Let me hear more about our new house. Boys, when do you think you can get it under roof?"

The subject changed, and by the time dinner was served, everyone had loosened up a bit. But Jarrod knew his family was never going to look at him the same way again. That pity and fear that he had dreaded to see in their eyes would come a lot easier and more often now. He hated that. It made him feel weak and it made him have to face up to what was happening to him. There was no escape in the company of his family anymore.

XXXXXX

Maggie could tell he was still bothered when they went to bed that night. He turned the light down and slipped into bed beside her, and he kissed her as usual, but he seemed exhausted, and not in a good way. "You want to talk about what happened?" she asked in the darkness.

Somehow, darkness always allowed more truth to be spoken, Jarrod thought. And something else. Darkness – he remembered. Will you STOP trying to tell me how brave I am!

"Something I haven't told you about," he said. "A couple of years ago I was injured in an explosion. I lost my eyesight for several weeks. I was totally blind. It was a horrible time, but the advantage of being blind is you don't have to see the concern and the pity in your family's eyes. Oh, I knew it was there, but I didn't have to see it every day. Now I do. I don't know if I have the courage to take that."

"You were embarrassed when that angina attack hit, weren't you?" Maggie asked.

"Yes. Looking weak like that – it's something I've never been able to get used to."

Maggie turned on her side and rubbed his chest. "It requires real humility."

Humility. That was something Jarrod always thought he had, but maybe he was wrong. He thought deeply about it, about the way he felt and why he hated his family looking at him as if he was not strong anymore. Maybe a lack of humility did have something to do with it.

"You're right," he said. "It's always been important to me to be strong and capable. Even in the past, when I've had to deal with my own weakness, it's always been temporary. It's gone away every time, and I could go back to believing I was strong and capable. I can't do that anymore. Now that they've all seen it – I can't do that anymore."

"You may not be as strong and capable as you used to be," Maggie said quietly, "but you're not a weak man. You're strong and capable in a way that you haven't realized before. Just living the life you are – building a home for me and our child, continuing your career for us – even if it isn't as big a practice as you might like – it takes strength to do that day in and day out. I don't look at you as if you're week and incapable. I know you'll take care of me and our baby for a long time to come. I have no doubts whatsoever."

Jarrod rolled onto his side and put his arms around his wife. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

She kissed him. "You became you."

Jarrod smiled in the darkness, and they kissed again.

XXXXXXX

By breakfast in the morning, Jarrod was back to his jovial self. He came down to breakfast without Maggie. His family had already gathered, and he said, "Good morning," as he fetched his food from the sideboard.

"Good morning, Jarrod," Victoria said. "Where's Maggie?"

"Oh, I'm letting her sleep in this morning," Jarrod said, finished filling his plate and took his seat at the head of the table. "It was a long day yesterday, a bit much for her."

"How is she doing with the baby coming?" Nick asked.

"Quite well, actually," Jarrod said. "Pass the coffee, Nick."

Nick passed the pot.

Jarrod poured while he spoke. "The doctor's been happy with her progress. I plan to take her to see Dr. Merar again in a day or two, make sure he's on board."

"Have yourself checked out, too, please," Victoria said.

She looked at him with her "I really mean that" look that Jarrod had seen a thousand times over his lifetime – that and that awful concern. But he smiled. "I will do that. But you all need to know that you've seen me at my worst, and I've recovered. This morning I'm fine."

"Good," Nick said. "I got a couple shipping contracts for you to look over, and we have a boatload of rice scheduled to come in in less than a month. We need to line up unloading and shipping for that. And there's the prison labor contracts for picking the fruit in the fall."

Victoria groaned, and Audra smirked. She traded looks with Heath that made him laugh.

"What?" Nick asked when he saw the reaction.

"You just never change, Nick," Jarrod said, chuckling and shaking his head.

"It's important ranch work that Jarrod has taken back over!" Nick defended himself.

"He's right," Jarrod said to the rest of them.

Nick threw his hands in the air. "Hallelujah! I'm finally right!"