Chapter Two

Angel on Fire

Olivia stood in front of the full-length mirror that sat in the corner of the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend of two years, Rafael Barba. The mirror used to belong to her mother. It was one of the few things, she kept after Serena passed away. Olivia remembered as a small child watching as her mother made sure her hair and clothes were in perfect place before leaving to teach her 19th century English literature class. Her mother tried her best to be a proper lady, hiding her demons, hiding her scars away from the world. If the world only knew…

Olivia looked at herself in her bra and panties. She stared at her reflection, looking hard to see to see any resemblance of her mother. She hated that she can see her father looking back at her. Even after all these years, Olivia still desperately wanted to see some hint of Serena looking back at her. Her father's face still haunted her. Olivia sighed. She knew this feeling would never go away, just like her own scars that were scattered in various places on her body. Each scar told a story, held a memory, and helped shape Olivia into the woman she had become. Some of these memories though, Olivia longed to forget.

Olivia lifted her hand to her left shoulder blade and she traced what clearly was a surgical scar. The doctors worked to repair her damaged shoulder after her four-day ordeal with William Lewis. Between the beating she endured and freeing herself from the metal bedframe, her shoulder needed to be put back together with a pin and a number of screws. Olivia remembered when the nurse tried to give her the standard pain killers post-surgery, she refused. She didn't want to put any more drugs in her system. Not after Lewis. She wasn't going to be like her mother, Olivia remembered thinking. Olivia scoffed at the memory. Taking medicine back then to ease the pain from surgery was not going to turn her into Serena. Olivia will never be her mother, at least Olivia tried to convince herself. She pressed on the scar slightly and another memory came back to her from the hospital. It was the night Rafael came to visit her.

Olivia slowly opened her eyes as she felt someone's presence in the room. She thought it must have been her nurse making her evening rounds but when she looked up and saw him, she was a bit shocked. Rafael looked like a man who hadn't slept or shaved in weeks. He was a shell of his normal self.

"Rafael?" Olivia could sense how nervous he was as he approached her bedside. He was carrying something.

"Hi Liv," Rafael whispered, "I brought you something…it's not flowers. It's…well here." He handed her a small stuffed penguin.

Olivia smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. She clutched it with her free hand, "Thank you. Did Cragen tell you or did…"

Rafael could barely look her in the eye so he lowered his head as he cut her off, "Um…it was Cragen. He called as soon as he…as soon as they brought you back to the city…" He mumbled.

"Okay. I asked them to tell you. I knew you had to be worried."

Rafael ran his hand through his hair and exhaled slowly. He needed her to know. He needed her to know that he felt responsible, "I was terrified…hey Liv…I want to tell you that this is all my fault and I'm so…"

"Rafael! No!" Olivia interrupted, "This is not your fault. He did this to me. Not you. I don't blame you."

He nodded. He wanted to tell her so many things. He wanted to tell her how when he found out Lewis had taken her; he had a breakdown in his office. How he couldn't bare the thought of that monster hurting her and how he should have fought harder in court to put Lewis away. How he spent every hour he could in the squad room, hoping for updates or any sign that she was okay and when he wasn't there with the squad, he went to church and prayed. He prayed for her safety and salvation and for his forgiveness. Instead he choked on his words and offered her a weak smile. "I'll let you rest and I should go. I'm sure Cassidy will be here soon…"

Olivia also found herself struggling to speak. She watched him make his way out the door while she wanted to tell him to stay. She wanted to tell him she needed him by her side. He was her rook to her queen and she loved him. But off he went. She held on to the penguin tight and as she let out a muffled cry.

Olivia looked over at her dresser and smiled at the stuffed penguin. She would never admit it to anyone but on nights she slept alone after Lewis, she took comfort in hugging it while she slept. Maybe it's because it smelt like Rafael's cologne or maybe it was because he gave it to her and that alone made her feel safe. He always made her feel loved even during those moments and days she hated herself and wanted to crawl out of her own skin.

Olivia pushed Rafael into his bedroom, kissing him passionately. The intensity and the heat had been building between them for a long time. It was only their third date but for the two of them this moment was long overdue. As Rafael walked backwards, he quickly shrugged off his suit jacket and Olivia worked at removing his tie and sliding his suspenders off. They hurried in removing each other's clothes in between passionate lust filled kisses.

Olivia stood before him in just her silk light pink panties. Rafael was in awe of her soft skin and curves of her body. He stepped back slightly to take it all in. He couldn't help but catch sight of her scars. The two small ones right on top of her breasts, a key shaped scar below her bellybutton and one on her inner thigh. It looked to be almost in the shape of her badge. "Olivia," Rafael softly said her name, almost like a hushed prayer.

Olivia looked away as she brought her arm up to over her breasts. She was suddenly unable to look Rafael in the eye. As much as she wanted to be with Rafael tonight, her anxiety and self-loathing were trying to take over. She felt very self-conscience as she his gaze upon her, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Rafael reached for Olivia's hand.

"For the scars…for what he did to me…"

Rafael stepped forward and pulled Olivia into his arms, "These scars…I know you look at them and feel shame and embarrassment. But I look at them, I see that you survived and he didn't break you. You not only survived, you are thriving."

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and leaned against him. Her bare skin against his, her head resting on his shoulder. "You're too good to me," Olivia's voice quivered.

"It's because I love you. I've loved you for a long time," Rafael placed a tender kiss Olivia's lips and held her tight, "Let me make love to you, Liv. Please."

Olivia still had to wonder to this day how she got so lucky to have Rafael as her partner in all aspects of her life. He was the only one through the aftermath of her assault who didn't treat her with kid gloves. He always showed respect for her as a woman, a strong woman, and as a survivor. He was the only one who knew the whole story about her time with Lewis at the beach house and he went out of his way to protect her. Rafael Barba was a good man and she loved him.

Olivia smiled as she looked down at her legs. She shook her head when she saw slightly faded oddly shaped scar next to one of her kneecaps. It was the only scar Rafael ever asked her about and he almost didn't believe the story until Olivia had Fin confirm it for him the next day.

"Munch, you're a damn fool to bet against Liv. You know she can kick all of our asses and then some. Especially, your boney ass," Fin cracked.

"True. Olivia can kick my ass but Stabler has a good bit of weight advantage. Simple laws of physics, my friend," Munch dryly responded.

As soon as Munch stopped speaking, Liv had Elliot pinned down in an awkward and painful position. "So remind me, who is kicking whose ass?" Liv smugly proclaimed.

"Hey man, you owe me twenty bucks," Fin laughed as he elbowed Munch.

Munch sighed as he reached into his pocket, "Fine, here. I'll get that twenty back!"

As Munch and Fin continued their old married couple banter. Liv and Elliot continued to tussle.

"El, give it up. I won fair and square." Liv declared as she pinned him down with her leg.

Elliot mumbled something underneath her and it resulted in Olivia letting out a yelp. "What the fuck? Did you just bite me?" Olivia jumped off and inspected her kneecap.

"I didn't mean to! I was just trying to get you off me so I could sit up. I'm sorry!"

Fin and Munch looked on as Liv read Elliot the riot act for biting her. "Think we should get the first aid kit?" Munch asked.

"Let's wait and see if she punches him first. Then we get the first aid kit…or we might have to call a bus."

Olivia chuckled as she remembered that day. Still after all this time, she misses Elliot but she knows he's finally happy and at peace. Retirement from the NYPD had done him well but she was still a bit pissed about how he bit her knee. Even after all this time. She sighed. Some things she couldn't change no matter how much she wished she could. But she was grateful for the times she could spend with him now. They were working on rebuilding their friendship and they were making an effort to be in each other's lives. Olivia was grateful that Elliot accepted Rafael as her boyfriend. She wasn't fooling herself; she knew if they all worked together, Rafael and Elliot would hate each other. This way was best for all involved. Olivia thought back to all of her past relationships, and Alex was the only one, Elliot didn't have a problem with. Maybe it was because he was friends with her or maybe it was because he knew how much she loved Alex and Alex loved her.

Alex. Even though she was madly in love with Rafael and she wouldn't trade it for the world, a small part of her heart still belonged to Alex. She was Olivia's first real love. Alex showed Olivia what love truly meant and that love wasn't conditional. It wasn't based on sobriety, broken promises, or a means to escape. Alex always tried to encourage Olivia to open up about her past even when Olivia wanted to forget it. Olivia held out her left arm and stared at it, there were things Olivia wondered if she would ever be ready to share.

"Hey you," Alex chuckled as she looked down at a sleepy Olivia.

"I wasn't asleep…I swear…I just was resting my head in your lap and resting my eyes. I was listening to the movie."

"Babe, you were snoring," Alex smiled as she began to stroke Olivia's arm.

"…I don't snore…okay I do. And I'm sorry. I ruined date night," Olivia frowned.

"You didn't. You just worked 3 days straight on what 3 hours of sleep? It's okay. We're here together. Plus you look so peaceful when you sleep," Alex leaned down to kiss her girlfriend's forehead.

Olivia smiled and sighed at Alex's gentle touch, "I love you."

"I love you too," Alex whispered as she ran her fingers down to a spot on Olivia's wrist, "Hey Liv, I didn't know you had these two scars on your wrist. What are these from?"

Olivia's body stiffened and she pulled her arm away from Alex, "It's nothing."

"This doesn't look like nothing to me."

Olivia sat up and moved to the other side of the couch, "It IS nothing, okay?"

"They look like self-harm scars. Liv, sweetheart, what happened?" Alex reached out towards her.

Olivia rejected her girlfriend's hand and pulled away, "Alex, please stop. I don't want to talk about it."

Alex recognized the signs; Olivia was starting to withdraw into herself again. Whatever happened, Alex knew it had to have been bad. She got up off the couch and kneeled down in front of Olivia, and held her hands. She made sure to look Olivia in her eyes. No matter how much Alex wanted to know what happened so she could help and support Olivia, she could not force the matter. Olivia had to be ready to open up. "Okay, I understand you don't want to talk about it. I'm not going to force you. But I know those scars were because you were hurting deep down inside. Liv, please understand that I love you and when you are ready to talk, I will be here."

Olivia bit her lip as she looked down at Alex and nodded. She stood up and pulled Alex up with her. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. It just hurts too much to talk about it."

"It's okay. I'll be here when you're ready. I promise," Alex whispered, as she began to gently rub Olivia's back."

"I love you so much, Alex," Olivia said, as she held on to Alex tighter, hoping to keep the tears away.

Olivia looked at the two parallel scars on her wrist. She hated them more than any scar from Lewis. She hated those two scars because they serve as a reminder from one of the worst nights of her life. She never told Alex about what happened that led to those scars. She feared Alex would think less of her. She never talked about her mother with Alex, the emotional wounds were too deep and still very much open and bleeding when they dated. Olivia once told Casey a little bit about that night but it wasn't the whole story. No one knew.

"Getting married? What the hell do you mean? Married? Says who?" Serena hissed.

Olivia's stomach lurched as smelt the vodka on her mother's breathe. These nights were becoming a normal occurrence in the Benson household. "Yes, Mom. Sean asked me to marry him. He loves me and wants me to be happy. I know that's hard for you to understand," Olivia spat.

"You are sixteen! I am not going to let you leave this house and marry some random guy named Sean! Who is he?" Serena slurred.

"I am sixteen and I'm old enough to make my own choices. Sean isn't some random guy! I have been seeing him for a couple months. Not like you care anyway."

Serena took a drink from her glass; she could not believe her daughter's defiance. "I am getting really tired of your mouth, young lady! All you do is fight with me. You know, you should be lucky I kept you. Everyone told me to get rid of you when I was pregnant. But I decided to keep you and raise you! But every time you defy me like this, I wish I got rid of you! You spiteful little bitch! Now I demand to know who is Sean."

Olivia's anger was rising. It felt like every time Serena and Olivia fought lately, Serena made sure to tell Olivia how unwanted she was and how she should have gotten rid of her daughter when she had the chance. Olivia was reaching a breaking point with her. "You want to know who Sean is? He is a college student and he likes having me around. That's more than you!"

"Sean…wait a minute! I know who Sean is! He's in my Advanced English Literature class. Olivia! He is 21! Have you been having sex with him?" Serena demanded as she stepped towards her daughter.

Olivia looked away. Not again. Olivia didn't want to talk about sex with her mother again. Not after what happened with Amy. Olivia felt so ashamed.

"Oh my god! You are, aren't you? He is 21! What is wrong with you? You keep making stupid decisions, over and over again. I am going to report him and have him kicked out of school! I will never let him or anyone else have you, Olivia! You understand me!"

"No! Mom! Don't do that! Please! He loves me!" Olivia pleaded.

"Or maybe I should tell him about your little problem? You know that one about being a goddamned queer. How about that? You think he would be happy to be marrying someone like you?" Serena's eyes narrowed as she stared her daughter down.

"Fuck you!" Olivia was shaking with anger. She was struggling to keep herself in check as she tried to fight off the tears.

Serena closed the gap between them and slapped Olivia across the face. "Don't you EVER say that to me again!"

Olivia rubbed her cheek as tears began to sting her eyes. And then it happened, Olivia struck back.

Olivia stared at herself in her mother's mirror again as she ran her fingers over those scars again.. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She wondered how her mother we ever able to survive that night and the events that followed. She looked down at her scars again as she held her wrist with her opposite hand. She remembered the blood, the pain, and her mother holding her close afterwards telling her she was so sorry and she truly did love her.

Even during everything she went through with Lewis, she never felt as low or hopeless or as scared as she did that night. She wondered what Rafael thought of them. He was different than Alex, she thought, he understood what she went through as a kid. He had to endure physical abuse from his asshole father, Rafael got her in ways Alex never could. But still those two small scars were reminders that Olivia was not always the protector she prided herself on being. She wondered what she would say to her younger self now. Stay strong? Happiness will find you? It will be okay? Did she lose the battle that night only to win the war later? She didn't know even years later the answers to these questions. The pain and memories never faded. She closed her eyes once more as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

She didn't notice that Rafael had snuck into the bedroom to check on her. It wasn't until she opened her eyes again that she saw him standing behind her. He was wearing his favorite pair of jeans and a black polo shirt. It was Sunday after all. That meant they were supposed to go to his mother's for Sunday dinner.

"Liv?" He called to her gently, "It's almost time for us to go. Are you okay?"

Olivia thought about lying about how she felt but what would be the point. He always could tell. "Not really but I'll be okay."

Rafael walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, "What's going on?"

She rested her hands on top of his and savored his warm embrace. Something about his hugs felt like medicine. Maybe it was his strong forearms or his natural smell that brought her comfort, but she always could feel her anxiety and sadness slip away. "I just got to thinking about these scars on my body and everything that's happened. It gets overwhelming sometimes especially when I think about my…never mind…"

"When you think about your mom? I know. Liv, remember I sleep next to you ever night, I know how much she still gets to you. I know how much it all gets to you but it always comes back to her. The nightmares, they are always about her."

Olivia stared at their reflection in the mirror. Rafael was right. Lewis, case related nightmares, they subsided long ago. But the dreams about her mother, they never stopped. Serena still, to this day, picked open the emotional wounds Olivia has carried since she was a child.

"Rafael…these scars…I wish they would go away sometimes," Olivia sighed, "My mom, Lewis, even where Elliot bit me…Why am I stuck with these reminders? I wonder sometimes what if Noah sees some of these scars and he starts asking questions. How do I tell him when Mommy was a teenager she wanted to give up because his grandmother abused her? Or how do I tell him that I was sexually assaulted for four days by a monster?"

"Or that his Uncle Elliot is a cannibal?" Rafael smiled in the hopes of making Olivia laugh a little.

"Okay that scar at least has a funny story behind it," Olivia conceded, "But I worry about when he starts asking questions. What do I do? Especially about these? How do I explain them?" Olivia wondered looking down at her wrist again.

Rafael kissed her shoulder, "Those scars, Liv. Those scars show how you fought back to survive, and how you stayed alive even when you wanted to give up. You're a survivor, always have and always will be. When it comes time to talk to Noah about these scars, especially those two on your wrist, you don't have to do it alone. I will be here by your side. It is important we are honest with him as best we can be and we can make sure we are always there for him in ways our parents weren't for us. Noah is a sweet caring little boy and I know that's because of you. When the time comes, I don't expect Noah to turn on you. I expect him to be that same loving child. We'll get through this together as a family."

Olivia cracked a slight smile. Rafael was correct, she was a survivor, no matter how much the past haunted her or still hurts. She survived it. She didn't have to go at things alone anymore. She had his support and they were in this together. "Noah and I are lucky to have you in our lives and we are all a family. You're right; we will get through this somehow."

Just as Rafael was about to say something to Olivia, a small voice called from the other side of the bedroom door. "Mommy! Where are you? We have to go to Abuelita's house soon! Papi said she made cake!"

Olivia and Rafael both shook their heads and laughed.

"I'll be right out, sweet boy! Get your shoes on!" Olivia yelled to her son.

"Okay, Mommy!" Noah yelled as he scurried away to find his sneakers.

"I'll go help Noah find his shoes," Rafael kissed Olivia, "I love you." Rafael turned to walk towards the door.

Olivia smiled, "I love you too. And Rafael?"

"Yes?" Rafael turned around to face Olivia.

She put her hand on her heart, "My rook."

"Always."