Thanks to everyone who took a few minutes of their time to read this – and double thanks to those who actually decided to write a review. I really appreciate it and I am happy to know what you are thinking and how you feel about the story. I hope you stick with me, even though it is sad now… but like life… it won't stay like that… there's always hope and always better times ahead.

I hope you enjoy reading and I'd love to hear from you.

Sun

Chapter 1 – The Truth about me

„I am happy, if you are."

Such a bittersweet lie, tumbling off my lips too many times the last weeks.

I said it so many times it almost seems true. But I'll tell you what is really true: it is a lie.

It is a lie we tell the other person to make them calm down, to take their guilt away. We tell those lies, because we really want to believe it. We want to believe that it is really that easy to ignore your own feelings in order to see the other person happy.

In my theatrical eyes it should rather be: Your Joy implies my sorrow.

I tried my best to ignore what I felt and be the best friend I could be. I tried to ignore my own wishes and hope to fulfil hers. Even if it wasn't with me.

How selfless and heroic, isn't it?

In thought that might actually work, but in reality it isn't that easy.

You can't just tell yourself how something is going to work and how you get over your feelings and expect your heart to do it.

So I sit at my desk, day after day, staring into space, asking myself how I'll be able to get through the day and the next night. I am scared of every free minute when I am not working, because those minutes and hours will be haunted by her face, her smell, her smile, her eyes… the memories I have of her.

Of course I'm still seeing her each and every day and superficially nothing changed. We are still working together, a grand team. We are still sharing our morning coffees. We are still hanging out with the guys at the Dirty Robber.

But if you look on the inside of what we have… had… everything changed.

Every smile I share with her, every glance, and every touch is bittersweet. I can't look into her eyes without seeing what we lost and realizing that when she leaves work or our evenings at the Dirty Robber with the guys she'll be seeing him and every time she hugs me I know that he'll be touching her in a way I'll never be able to.

Seeing her, talking to her, touching her hurts me in a way I thought I could never be hurt by anyone.

All I want to do is to withdrawn, leave her and my old life behind and crawl in a hole where no one sees me. I want to keep the world outside and all those ugly feelings that come with living.

"Jane?" His voice hardly reaches me and I first realize there's someone with me on the porch when I feel his hand on my shoulder.

"Dad…" I breathe out, looking into his eyes, and what I see is deep concern.

That's all I see the last days…

"What are you doing out here, it's getting cold."

I don't answer him, because I don't exactly know what to say. There's no explanation in the things I do now, or the last weeks. The only explanation could be that I'm in love, miserably in love.

"You look baleful, Janey."

"Gee… thanks, dad." I say sarcastically and smile at him.

"No, bella, you won't be able to use sarcastically comments or jokes with me now. We all see that you are suffering, from whatever. We thought we should respect your boundaries and let you come when you're ready. But you are not yourself anymore, everyone sees it. So no jokes, no sarcasm, no need to hide yourself anymore. We just want to help you, Janey." His eyes are darker than before, filled with forwardness and concern, both a mixture that results in stubbornness. I guess that's our family heirloom.

"You are my daughter and I want you to be happy."

His eyes soften immediately and I swear I saw his eyes watering.

The sigh I held escaped my lips and one single word sneaked out. "Daddy…"

Without a second thought I smuggle into his warm and comforting arms, like I remember doing when I was a little girl, and there and then I don't care that I'm over 30, a independent woman, a homicide detective who faced worse than one could imagine.

But now I'm someone who wants to be his little girl again. I want to forget all the things I have to do, all the things I need to do… I want to be his little girl again, where nothing else is more important than staying in his arms, being safe; the rest of the world locked out. There and Then I wish I could pretend that it's this easy like it was when I was a little girl.

"I'm in love with someone, daddy." I whisper, stunned by my own words.

I'm thankful for his silence, because I know that Mom wouldn't be quiet, until she found out everything, getting an answer to any of her questions.

He, instead, holds me and rubs my back, waiting until I'm ready to say more.

"But they don't love me back."

A tear escapes my eyes. A tear I tried to hold back, even in the darkest hours, alone, in my bed, at night.

"And…?" he says, a small smile gracing his lips.

I looked up into his brown daring eyes.

"There's so much I want to say to you, to make you believe how wonderful and strong you are. Even as a little girl we knew how special you are and even though your mother and I were scared about the choices you made, about being a cop, we were so proud of you and we still are. You are such a caring person and you are such a good cop, because of it. But you know why you make such a great detective, too? You never give up. When every else would give up, you still go on. You never give up and that's enviable. You shouldn't give up without fighting for the things you love now."

There and Then I realize what I was doing was… giving up, without a fight.

The last days I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to crawl into a hole and give up. And when I looked into the eyes of my father and listened to his words I realized that I am a shell of myself – I am my own shadow. And worse – I am not the person I want to be.

"Thank you, dad…" I say and the first time there's a small smile on my face.

I won't give up without a fight.

….

I was shaking as I stood in front of her door on a pretty cold November evening, but it wasn't the cold that shook me to the core.

I've been lying awake night after night for almost one week, until I felt like it was time to do this step. I've been trough every single scenario in my head and only one out of thousand was lucky.

But I couldn't spend another night without her knowing what I felt…and maybe… maybe she'd see how happy I could make her. All those memories told me one thing: We were like a couple before; we spend our time together with barely any boundaries. We… we loved each other.

What we had couldn't be named with anything else, but love.

But how could she possibly know what I felt? That I felt the same? I had never said it out loud, too scared to lay myself open in front of her, to scared to loose her. She is into facts, and I'll give them to her. If she needs proof, here I am.

Now was the time, before I'd loose her to him.

After I rang the bell I had to wait a few minutes before the door was opened and my heart literally stopped for a few seconds. It felt as if a hand enveloped my heart and squeezed it.

"Jane." My name sounded like a wonderful melody coming from her lips.

I could see the surprise on her face, yet there was a light in her eyes, a soft twinkle I could easily overlook. Was she happy to see me? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? Did she need me the way I needed her? Or was it just a pleasantly surprise to see me?

"What are you doing here?" She asked and I almost took a step back. I wasn't welcomed anymore like before. Did I actually believe I could still come to her house anytime I wanted, anytime I needed to see her? Uninvited?

I ignored all my doubts creeping up. Now wasn't the time to step back. I had this speech in my mind and it had to be shared: My heart wouldn't allow me to sleep another night before I did so.

"I came… I came to talk… about something… something important." I said. No I stammered. What did she do to me, to make a Jane Rizzoli actually stutter?

"Oh…" she hushed.

"I'm sorry I came uninvited, but it's… really important for me." And hopefully for you, too…

"It's a bad timing, you could say… I'm inconsolable I can't invite you in."

"Oh…" Of course… Of course he was here.

No time for sadness, Jane. Put yourself together now and tell her. Just tell her.

"It won't take long." I promised.

"Jane… is everything okay? I've been worried about you."

I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes. Nothing ever mattered to me as much as her caring.

"Yea… I hope so… I just…"

A take a deep breath and I close my eyes, trying to take the courage and speak up. I am scared. Yes I am, more than I would ever admit to anyone.

But when the heart wants to speak up, nothing else really matters and so I open my mouth and the words flow out and they envelop her as if they want to keep her warm on a cold December day, as if they want to keep her safe in a dark alley and as if they want to accompany her in a lonely night.

"You mean the world to me, Maura. Literally and truly. My life is built around you, for many months now. No one knows me like you do, no one puts up with my outbursts, my moods, my quirks and my anger. No one knows my best sides like you do and no one knows me at my lowest. And the thing is that I don't mind! I am so deeply scared about lying bare in front of someone, someone who knows everything about me, because I'm so afraid of getting hurt. But I'm not… with you. Everything is different with you, Maura. I even love things about you I hated with others. But you make me love them. You make a better person out of me."

Tears threaten to fall and I almost can't hold them back. But I don't want to cry, not before I made her see what exactly she means to me.

"I don't want to live another day without you – and without you knowing how I feel about you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I laid my eyes on you – and later I was falling in love with your mind. You are… perfect... to me… and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes to realize how perfect you really are. And it kills me to know that you are with someone else, someone who isn't me. Maura… You are my life, my everything. And I love you. I…. love… you."

And suddenly an overbearing weight is dropped down from my shoulders and my heart – and for the first time in days I feel like I can breathe again.

And for the first time in days a smile is gracing my face while a tear is escaping my eyes.

For a short moment I really believe that it didn't hurt to open myself up and let her read me like a book.

Just a short passing moment it is, until my smile fades, and with every passing minute in which she isn't saying a word, the tears get more and more, until I hardly see anything.

I don't know how long we stood there, staring at each other, until a male voice disrupted the silence that painfully squeezed me.

"I'm coming, Michael. Just a second." She answers, her voice suddenly sounding so hoarse and strange in my ears.

"I'm sorry." Is the only thing I say, before I spin around, not able to look at her anymore.

Sobs are wrenching me and I feel like there's no breathe left in me as I walk down the street.

There I am, crawling back in my hole, regretting I ever thought about leaving it. How could I believe that opening up to someone is doing me good? It's never, never, never… good.

But suddenly I hear my name, coming from her lips and when I spin around she's running up to me, in the cold.

Before I realize what is happening she's standing before me, unbelievable, almost unbearable near. She shivers, just like I do, but out of different reasons.

She whispers my name and looks deeply into my eyes, right before I feel her lips on my salty ones.

As I feel her soft lips, gliding over and melding with mine, touching my heart like nothing did before, I can't contain the soft sigh that mingles with her breath.

Nothing else matters in this moment, but my hands on her face, pulling her near, and her hands, grasping my jacket. Neither of us letting go, until we both need to breathe again.

Looking back I know it did not feel like a promise, if anything it felt like a kiss goodbye.

I had my eyes closed when she kissed my tears away, just before she planted one last kiss on my waiting lips.

"I am sorry, too." She hushed into the night air and before I knew I was left in the dark.

I did not dare to open my eyes, to scared to see what I was already feeling – the loos of her body against mine, her hands… her lips…

Nothing remained. Everything was gone.

And when I heard the door closing behind her, it truly was.

….

What does it say about a person when the woman who knows all about you, all of your mistakes, all of your negative sides... Simply everything... Decides against a life with you?

I suppose not everyone gets a happy ending…

…..

Tbc… if you like…

And of course a great christmas-y time ;)