Dear You,
Well, that went over like a lead balloon. I don't know what happened. I said I didn't trust myself, and I was right. Thank you for not bringing it up since then. I've decided that I am going to stop being mad at you. You haven't done anything to warrant my anger, and it isn't fair to you. The only person I should be angry at is me. So from now on, I'm going to actually try…try to make us seem as normal as I can. You're doing a great job at it. You just go with the flow of everything, and I wish I could do that. My feelings just get in the way.
I think I'm stuck in some kind of 'in between' feeling. I mean, you are the only person who can make me feel like this. Not only that, you're the only…well you know, that has ever held my attention the way you do. I wonder how well being in the 'in between' would go over for us.
Would you like me then, because I would be 'half' normal?
-Me
It's been three days since I awkwardly tried to kiss Louis. Of course, him being his usual flamboyant (probably a bad choice of word, but moving on) self, carried on the week like nothing had happened. I, however, had not been able to move past it so quickly. I was embarrassed. Mortified even. I needed someone to talk to about this. Someone that would actually talk back to me, not just stare back at me like the words on the pages of the letters. Louis would be my first choice, but that was pretty much out of the question.
"Hello?"
"Uh, hey Li. Can you talk?" He must have been able to hear the unleveled tone in my voice because he suddenly became very interested.
"Sure Harry, are you alright?"
"Well that's the thing. I made a mistake and I feel rotten about it, but at the same time, I'm not exactly sorry for it." I bit my lips as the truth came out of my mouth.
"Well, what did you do?" Liam sounded genuinely worried, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Not like this.
"I uhm… I tried to kiss…I tried to kiss a girl who didn't really want me to kiss her, and now I feel like shit."
"A girl's got you feeling like this? When have you ever let someone mess with your heart like this before? "If only he knew I thought. "Well, I think I might have the perfect solution for you. Alright? You just need a little distraction."
I could tell by his voice that he was genuinely excited about whatever he was scheming.
"Liiiiaammmm…." I groaned.
"Trust me, this will fix things up. Once I work out the details, I'll talk to you later about it, alright?"
"Fine. Thanks Liam." I said, though I wasn't exactly sure just how thankful I really was.
"Love you Haz. Feel better!" With that, he hung up the phone and I plopped back down onto my bed.
I laid there staring up at the ceiling trying to figure out what Liam possibly could have planned. After a while, that got too tiring and I settled on taking a nap.
"Oh no, he'd never look good in that. Let's try this."
"Are you kidding? This one would be best, I promise."
The two familiar voices floated around my room, waking me up. I rolled over and saw Danielle and Liam rummaging through the clothes in my closet and scattering various outfits across the floor.
"Liam, please let me pick it. You only dress good half the time, and that's when I pick out your outfits. Now step aside." Her comment silenced him causing him to turn around and make his way to the chair by the desk.
"What the hell are you guys doing?" My voice was still deep and slightly rough from just waking up.
Liam jumped onto my bed and sat next to me. I pulled the duvet over my head to shield me from his exuberant energy.
"Picking out your outfit for tonight!" He said, dangerously excited. "You didn't answer your phone so we decided to come over."
"I said it was a bad idea, just for reference's sake." Danielle said, not turning away from my clothes in the closet.
"Where am I going?" I nearly groaned.
"On a date! I figured the best way to get your mind off this girl who doesn't know what she is missing would be to set you up with someone else! Now get up! You're leaving in an hour!"
I grabbed the notepad by the side of my bed and started a new letter.
Dear Me,
This is a terrible idea.
-Me
"You look sharp, Harry." Louis cooed as I walked out of my room. Danielle settled on some brown slacks and a light blue button up shirt. She nearly threw a fit when I told her that I refuse to wear the sleeves long and made her roll them up to my elbows.
"Well, it's as good as it's gonna get." Danielle said in a jokingly dead-panned voice.
"Thank you, love." I said and kissed her slightly on the cheek.
"Go have fun, Harry." He said as I walked out the door, with Louis trailing behind. I don't have my car at the moment, so he's driving.
I couldn't help but to laugh on the way out.
"What's funny?" Louis asked.
"Danielle and Liam were like proud parents sending me off to the prom." I chuckled out.
For a majority of the ride over, I sat in the passenger seat thinking. I was actually pretty nervous for this date. Not because I wanted her to actually like me or anything, but because I was afraid it would be obvious that I didn't really want to be there.
"Hey…Harry?" I felt his hand rest on top of mine. "You're gonna be fine. Just relax." He soothed my hand out of the fist that I had unknowingly made. The electricity from his touch shot from my hand straight through my body.
"She's a really nice girl, you'll love her." Louis said as we walked up to the restaurant. It was one of my favorite places in London, 17Black.
"Where is she?" I asked, scanning the crowds of people standing outside of the restaurant.
Louis looked around for a second before finding her. "Oh! There she is. Right next to Eleanor. Come on." He grabbed ahold of my elbow and led me over, but I tensed up.
"Eleanor?" I asked.
"Of course. I wouldn't let you go on this date alone, Haz. Especially with one of Eleanor's friends. I figured that us coming would make it more comfortable. Less awkward tension, you know?" He patted my elbow and continued pulling me along.
Less awkward tension my ass.
"Hi, I'm Melanie!" She was overwhelmingly chipper. Just like Eleanor. She and Eleanor actually shared a lot of similarities.
Melanie had a very lean body, complete with long legs and a peculiarly posh-looking face. Her brown curls fell to about the middle of her back, and her big brown eyes seemed to be glued to my face. This was going to be a difficult meal.
"Uh, hey. I'm Harry." I said after a significant delay.
"Well, come on! Let's get inside!" Louis offered.
"Melanie is on the same track as me at Uni. Communications. Isn't that cool?" Eleanor said as we waited for our salads to be brought out.
"Incredible." I bit out, trying my best to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
Eleanor and I felt the same about each other. She however, was much more courteous than I was. She's at least civil to me. I can't tolerate her under any circumstances.
"What would you be studying if you weren't famous, Harry?" Melanie asked, a bit meeker than before dinner.
"Probably law, I guess. Or psychology? Not sure. It changes a lot." I could feel Louis' eyes burning a hole into the side of my face as my answers came out very short and frank.
Unfortunately, (I'm not sure who is the most unfortunate out of everyone at this meal) all of dinner went over like this. If I look past the fact that she reminds me so much of Eleanor, I can actually bring myself to feel a bit sorry for her. I wasn't into this date. I didn't want to be here, especially with Louis and Eleanor. By the time dessert came around, I had turned into the awkward fourth wheel for Melanie, Eleanor and Louis.
"Maybe we could do this again sometime? On our own, though?" Her question was full of hope.
"Yeah, babe. Maybe." I gave her a quick peck near the corner of her mouth a wished her goodnight. Louis and I walked back to the car in silence.
He was mad. I could tell by how tight his grip was on the steering wheel. It wasn't until we got onto the freeway, though that Louis started talking.
"What the hell was that?!"
"What are you talking about?" I lied.
"Harry, you know damn well what I am talking about. You ruined a perfectly good date. That poor girl was really excited to go out with you and you could barely give her the time of day."
"I said goodnight and kissed her. I was a gentleman." I knew just how much this was a lie, but I continued it.
"Yeah right!" He laughed, "You kissed her because you were glad it was over."
"Arse." I had nothing else to say because it was the truth.
We pulled into the driveway of the house. The car was still buzzing with tension. I reached for the handle, but Louis locked the car.
"Let me out." I said through gritted teeth.
"No. Tell me why you acted like a douche to that girl. Tell me why you were a complete arsehole this whole night."
"Let. Me. Out." I said again, but I could feel my strength weakening.
He looked me straight in the eyes. The crisp blue orbs were practically glowing in the darkness of the night. I felt my heart stammer a bit in my chest. "Harry. Tell me." His voice was much softer than moments earlier. He broke me down.
"I couldn't do it." It was barely audible, but he heard it. My gaze dropped down to the floor and silence consumed the car. I heard the soft click of the car unlocking and I got out and heading inside.
I was in my room before Louis had even come inside.
Dear You,
I couldn't do it. It was too much. I didn't want to be there. Maybe there isn't an in between. Not for me. Please don't ever put me on a date ever again. That is the lowest blow in the world for me. It's like you just twisted the knife in me. I don't need someone else. I only need one person. I wish you could understand that.
I'm not normal. I get it. There is something wrong with me. If there wasn't, I wouldn't constantly hate myself. I hate myself right now. Bet you didn't know that. I'm stuck in this world where there is only one thing I need to survive, but that thing I need is nowhere around. Even worse, that one thing that I need is already in use by someone else.
It's just sad, I guess. You know, me.
-Me
I heard a soft knock on my door a little while later, but I decided not to answer.
It wasn't until insomnia and boredom got the best of me that I decided to find something to distract me. I quietly headed out into the kitchen to retrieve the portable DVD player and a bag of crisps. As I made my way back to my room, I saw a florescent yellow square stuck to the middle of my door. I set the items in my hand down on the counter and retrieved the square.
"You're there for me. I'm there for you. Always. X"
"Always." I said aloud, even though I wasn't sure of its full meaning just yet.