She takes her trainers from the hallway's closet and exhales while she puts them on.
The last time she did this, she was in the other side of the world and was feeling really really alone.
Now she is at home. And still feels bad, remarkably bad, but at least she knows which way she has to go to not get mugged.
She does not know why she felt that going to the UK to work would be a good idea, yet.
Eleven months were how many time she would have had to be there.
There were three until she realized she was truly unhappy.
It's raining tonight, just as the day before, and that is alright with her. She just needs something to do, if she can't sleep, it's the least she can do, and going for a run is the only thing that right now will make her forget why she felt the need to come back eight months earlier than predicted.
She starts faster than she should, because later she knows that that will make breath with difficulty, but just the feeling of the raindrops on her face, of being alone in these streets she knows so well, makes her mood better. So she is concentrating on anything but her limited time in Wales.
Soft drops of rain falling, revealing themselves into a path from her forehead, to her nose, then going to her mouth to finally fall to the ground from her chin. That stays the same way through all of her time running.
It helps her clear her mind, but still doesn't understand if returning home was the greatest of the ideas, either.
Her head is a mess, is a black-and-white pattern on thoughts.
She steps through the front door and immediately her senses are telling her that she is not alone. Walking cautiously to the sofa, she is not surprised at all when she recognizes the features of her mother in the dim light she must have turned on. With long legs stretched in front of her, back against the cushions on the arm of the sofa and head supported by her hand, her eyes are tracking down every move her daughter takes.
Lily spots a small towel over the couch, her mom must have left it there for her, and in seconds she is a little less wet from the rain that is showering the streets outside. Her PJ's pants are also in there, and in a quick action her long leggings and socks are on the floor and she is putting on her comfy pyjama. Still with the long-sleeved shirt on –raincoat shed by the front door- and her pony-tail swinging side-to-side she sits down beside her mother's feet and lifts her hand to place it on top of her ankle and then, looks straight in to her mom's eyes, and she knows it's time.
Kate never imagined that being a mother required so much patience. When minutes passed by, she thought that Lily was not going to talk, but then the sweet soft voice of her daughter startled her:
-I feel terrible, you know. – Lily was looking directly to her mom's feet, head down. – I really thought it was going to be great, that I was going to be great, and I would be able to make it on my own. I'm quite disappointed in myself. – her face was now turned towards her, but without making connection with her eyes.
-Lil...− sighed Kate− come here− she reached with her arms out and pulled her into an embrace.
Just like the day before, with her little girl in her arms, but now trying to think about something reassuring to tell her daughter. Her coming home earlier had been a total surprise, when on Sundays they made the weekly Skype to know and ask, she seemed fine, great actually when she explained about the gatherings with the people she met there, it's true that with Castle commented that she appeared tired, but they thought it was normal and didn't give any more importance. And now, when she explained how she was feeling, it was breaking her heart.
Then, she spoke with a strong and yet gentle voice to get her attention:
−Listen, that you didn't make it through the eleven months it doesn't mean anything. You made it three, and what is important here is not how many months you have been away, is the path that you have crossed to be here now, and not just literally. The experience you've gained, all the people you've met, the friends you have won along the way –Lily's body tensed the moment she pronounced the word 'friends', but she just let it go, supposing is was hard for her to talk about that− all the new things I am sure you have learnt, the maturity. And it's so good that you realized you didn't want to be there anymore. That gives me even more reasons to know that you are now a grown-up and can decide whether you are not happy somewhere, you put end to that, if there is no need for you to stay there, of course. If that was making you unhappy, close that book and try another one, until you find one that you like and that you enjoy. So it's the same for this, you don't have the necessity to be doing that, you chose it because you thought it would be great, alright, you found out that it wasn't so what, you go and try another thing, that's the way you are going to really know if you like something or not, by trying it. You were so brave by doing so, and I can't be more proud of you. And what? You only were there for three months? It doesn't mean you are a failure, just that you have to keep looking for the thing that makes you feel truly good with yourself. And while you are attempting to find it, you will be winning alongside the path, and there would not be always good things, but from the bad you can learn too. –
She stays quiet for a moment, just listening to her daughter's breathing and to make sure everything she has said sinks in her mind, and then – Lily of mine… what in the end is worth is what makes you satisfied, and joyful, what makes you smile, and for sure you are going to get tired finding it… but for those feelings? Trust me, is so deserving. –Lily sighs and snuggles more into her and then she feels the tiniest of the nods and that brings a smile into her face right away.
−When you look at it like that… you are right, and it's true that I will have more chances to go abroad and discover, explore and find… but it is not that- it's just that I really thought that I will be living alright on my own, because I'm so independent when I'm in here and I just had so high hopes on this, on me− her voice cracks at that
−Oh my sweet girl… but it's so different to being independent while you are here, surrounded by everything you know that being in there.
−Yeah, I know but I didn't expect it to be so different and difficult for me and –a small, soppy smile started to form in her face and Kate thought how much she has missed them, these ones, learnt from her father− I didn't expect to miss you so much guys− and that evokes a grin in her too and she tries to hide it before her daughter lifts her head, but it is too late and soon both of them are having a staring competition with each other but with smiles glued on their faces.
Kate put her hand on Lily's arm giving it a little squeeze with love, and the later lied down again, but Beckett sensed that Lily was still tense of when she has told her about the people she met and friends she made, in spite everything she has said until now she believes she feels there's something more going on with her, but she knows better than to force her to explain anything.
After a while and with both of them on the verge of falling sleep again, Kate remembers it was after 4 a.m. when she woke up and now it was taking its toll with them being all warm and cosy, so she took advantage of the situation and asked innocently: did something more happen these months? Maybe with someone?
A/N: I wasn't expecting to continue with this, but the words couldn't calm down, so I wrote and this is it. I will continue to post about this story until I think it's good enough to entretain a little. I hope you like it. Have in mind, it takes a lot of time to write something, think when it is not in your first or second language, so very sorry in advance if you see evident mistakes with prepositions, for example. I always look for them and look for the right word but I am not perfect and I just do this because I really like to write in english (more than spanish). I have faith that you are going to like it, if not, I am sorry for making you waste your time. Either way, leave some comment, it's my first story so it will be a relieve to read your opinions or corrections :)