SUPERNATURAL Doctor's visit II
Dean drummed his fingers on his leg as he sat with Sam waiting their turn. The chairs were comfortable enough, it was just that Dean felt the trips were useless. He didn't understand Sam's need to go through with this.
"Dean, Sam, if you will follow me." The receptionist said as she finished a call. They walked down the hallway past the door they entered on a previous visit and got into a comfy looking office with an overstuffed couch and three arm chairs.
Not understanding the play Sam pulled Dean over to the couch and sat down. There was some palpable tension that Dean tried to control.
In a moment the door opened admitting Dr. Carriggan. He looked at the couple and smiled. He walked over easily to the refrigerator in the room and took out a beer for Dean.
"Make that two please." Sam asked as the doc frowned slightly and did as asked. He then served Sam and Dean and then taking a soda for himself sat down. He looked at them for a moment then started his session with a comment.
"So Sam, what are you upset about?" Carriggan asked quietly.
"I'm not." Sam lied.
"You know I can't help you as long as you continue to delude yourself." Carriggan noted.
"I had a moment that was unusual." Sam said vaguely.
"What was unusual about it?" He asked looking at both of them in turn.
Sam took a deep breath and looked at the doctor, "For you to understand that I'd have to explain some things."
"Sam, you can talk freely, I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to listen."
So Sam spent the next several minutes telling the doctor of his trip to hell plus his return and the eventual resouling. Carriggan said listening and not responding except in polite pauses and nods. When he finished Sam looked at the doctor and half-smiled.
"See I told you I was nuttier than a fruitcake." Sam responded.
"That's not nuts at all, it's something you strongly believe, it's something that happened to you and for you. It's something that I'm not so sure that even someone as emotionally strong as you could survive."
Dean and Sam sighed, they were certain the doc was going to recommend him to a psychiatric hospital.
"I'm surviving because of a wall that the Angel of Death put in place."
"Why do you think you went to this place, this hell?" Carriggan asked.
"Doc, before you go much further let me tell you a story…" And Dean jumped in telling him of how his trip to hell was arranged. Then he stood and stripped off his tee shirt and showed off the handprints. He permitted the doctor to do an up close analysis of them then the doctor sat down his face unsmiling and his tone serious.
"Normally I would request that you consent to being admitted to a private facility for treatment but this is out of my depth." He admitted.
"Why do you say that?" Dean asked.
The doctor looked at Dean casually but frankly. "Normally I would cry bullshit, that those handprints were tattoos. However, on close examination I can see the swirls and whorls which make up finger prints. A tattoo parlour, unless they are SUPER good cannot duplicate that." The doctor paused a moment and then looked at them again. "So I'm going to assume everything you've told me is fact, that this did happen. What's the problem that you're befuddled with?"
"We're stuck." Dean said looking uncomfortable.
"How are you stuck?" Carriggan asked.
"Our…uh well…it's like this doc…" Sam tried.
"What he's trying to say is that we're stuck in a rut and need some help getting out." Dean supplied.
"What kind of rut are you stuck in?" The doctor pressed wanting to hear it said.
Sam lowered his head, "There are times I can't uh…well, it's a case of…"
"Erectile dysfunction?" Carriggan asked and for a brief moment there was a shock that registered on Sam's face then a relaxed look as he nodded. "It alright to talk about it. I know it's a difficult subject to approach. Most guys would rather be caught out in something serious instead of this."
"Doc this is serious. I mean there are times when I think about what I went through and we used to use sex to get through it, but Sam was soulless for a year, I was fucking someone who really didn't give a shit. All Sam was there for was to take care of a physical need. He was someone to get off with. But then it started to eat at me that I was fucking something like one of those blowup dolls. It got the job done but there was something missing." Dean said pointedly.
"What's happened to change you?" Carriggan asked Sam.
Sam fidgeted a bit then looked at Dean for a moment. "I remember some of the stuff I went through in the past year and I remember what sex was like. It was a chore to be done and over with as soon as possible. That was the way I saw it then."
"So that explains why you took the couch but put some space between you two. Are you having much sex now?" The doc asked.
Dean was the fidgeter now. "Some…" He admitted.
"Yeah some." Sam agreed.
"But not like you used to." Carriggan said as a statement rather than a question.
"Nowhere near to what we use to." Dean said somewhat sadly.
"Sam did you get to the point in that year where you felt you were being used?" Carriggan asked.
"Sometimes yeah." Sam started.
"Why didn't you say something!?" Dean blatted.
"Well what was I supposed to say. "Hey Dean I may not get the act but the actions good." Or worse, "not tonight dear, I have a headache."" Sam returned
Dean was sitting with his arms as his side, his hands in his lap, now his arm was thrown up on the back of the sofa.
"You were supposed to be up front with me. If you didn't wanna, you should've said so."
"I couldn't Dean, you never gave me a chance." Sam said miserably.
"What are you talking about?" Dean said his voice low and somewhat seriously flat. "You saying that I fucked you against your will."
"That's just it Dean, I had no will, no feelings, I was just an animated thing. Something that you poked the right buttons and got a response from." Sam said near tears.
"Sam, do you feel like you were raped?" Carriggan asked in a low, seriously sad tone.
"In a way yeah."
"Quit putting words in his mouth." Dean said whirling on the doctor.
"Dean listen to Sam, he's telling you some very important." Carriggan told him.
"Dean in a way I did feel like the act was just that. It was an act, something to do and be done with." A single tear spilled over and traced a line down his cheek to his jaw to cling there a moment.
"Sammy you should've said something. I mean, you should've stopped me." Dean said sad now.
"How could I, we'd come in from a hunt and you'd be primed and ready to go. You'd still be running off adrenaline and you would take me."
"So you're say that your not being able to get it up is my fault?" Dean asked angry now.
"NO! It's my bodies fault because now I do remember some things and I remember those times and when I do it just shuts me down." Sam said sadly.
"What is it about those times that cause you to shut down?" Carriggan prompted.
"I remember how we used to fuck, and it was a dry, senseless action." Sam said quietly.
"Did you go on that date like I suggested?" Carriggan asked.
"Sure, we went Saturday night. Dean and I got dressed up and went out to an Olive Garden, we got drinks in the bar for a while then had the hostess set us up a table. We took it slow and quiet. And yeah, I was very uncomfortable, I'm used to fast food, not sit down restaurant type eating, but hell I wanted it perfect. We ate, then took a walk by the river for a bit, finding a secluded spot we stepped off the path and into the grass and made out like teenagers again. We were so ready, so we kept that feeling going while we walked joking with each other but stopping now and then for a hug and kiss. We finally got back to our rooms and it fell apart. Sam just couldn't perform."
"Where are you two living now?" Carriggan asked.
"A little efficiency place on Broad and 3rd." Dean said.
"Can you afford better right now?" He asked.
"Sure, I gave up about an hour and half of getting in so I went to the nearest bar and hustled some pool tables, made a good bit of scatch." Dean admitted.
"Go on another date, forget about what happened, forget about going out, but this time either get you some rooms that are a step up from what you're used to or get a hotel room for the night in a nice place."
"We can do this. But…"
"This time Dean, no buts. The dwelling is what was the key that brought you down. This efficiency, it's enough to get you by isn't it?"
"sure." Sam said in a small voice.
"It's not really romantic is it." Carriggan asked.
"It's in a kind of noisy part of town." Sam said.
"So get out of that efficiency, get another one but in a nicer section of town. Or get a motel room for the night. Are you willing to try that?"
Dean lowered his arm on the couch to Sam's shoulders.
"Sure." Sam said.
"Yeah." Dean chimed in.
"Good, that would be a good start. Now for a more sensitive issue. How has your sex life been, I mean really been. Give me sort of a history?"
"Wait a minute doc. You realize where we are going?" Dean started.
"Nowhere we haven't talked about already."
"And you're cool with incest?" Sam asked agape.
"There's a reason I should be opposed to a healthy sex life?" The doctor asked.
"No, but I mean most people would be like down on us like white on rice." Dean said.
"Do I impress you as most people?"
"No…still." Sam said.
"Look, as long as it is between two consenting adults, who actually love one another, I've no problems with it. What I have a problem with is when it's between a legal aged and a minor. So you see if you'd seen me as a teens, I would be counseling you totally differently. DO you love each other."
Dean pulled Sam close.
"Tell him." Carriggan prompted.
"I love you Dean, I know you're uncomfortable with talk like that but I love you. Intensely. I'm proud to be your Sammy, and only yours." Sam said with pride.
"Sammy, You know how I hate this stuff, it's always made me uncomfortable, I don't know why, Dad probably. But I do love you too, more than being my baby brother. More than being part of the family. Sam…" Dean ducked his head, "I love you more than life."
They were looked at each other intensely now, then they did the most natural thing and kissed. Not a proprietory peck, but a deep, long, kiss that lasted for over a minute. When they broke they were gasping for air, foreheads leaning against each other.
"Are you both ready to give this a shot?" Carriggan asked.
They stood together. And then looked at the doctor who waved their thanks away. "Just go and enjoy the day. Do little things and big. Don't concentrate on what you have to do but what you want to do."
"Okay doc." Dean said staring deep into Sam's hazel eyes. They kissed again and walked over to the door hand in each again.
"Oh and don't let the town fool you, they are more homofriendly people around here than homophobics." The doctor said as they left his office.
"You ready to give this a shot?" Dean asked.
"More than ever." Sam responded.