The Adventures of Elevator Lance:
Elevator Lance Meets Walter
It was a typical Wednesday morning at the Castle of Lions. Lance had just finished his breakfast and was on his way out the door.
Keith was exiting his quarters when he ran into Lance. "Good morning, Lance."
"Morning," Lance replied. He activated the lock on his door as Keith approached.
"Ready to go?" Keith asked.
"All set."
The two walked from their quarters on the top floor of the castle towards the elevators.
"So, how does it feel now that you've finally decided to ask Allura to marry you?" Lance asked.
"It feels good. But I'm a bit nervous," Keith admitted. "What if she doesn't say yes?"
"Then she's a fool," Lance assured him. "Besides, you have nothing to worry about. None of us would be able to stop her from saying yes fast enough."
Feeling reassured, Keith pressed the button to call the elevator.
"I must warn you Keith, I always meet the strangest people on this elevator."
"Why is that?" Keith asked.
"I don't know. It feels as though there is a higher force involved." Lance looked up at the ceiling. "Almost like someone is controlling the events of my life."
The elevator doors opened and as the two pilots entered they noticed an old man leaning on a cane standing next to the elevator's wall.
"Morning." Keith smiled at the old man.
"Morning," the old man replied.
As he pushed the button for the first floor, Lance whispered in Keith's ear. "What did I tell ya?"
Keith ignored Lance. "I've never seen you before, sir? Are you new here?"
"Yes, I'm Walter. I just moved to Arus a month ago from Earth."
"Oh? What did you do on Earth?" Keith asked.
Walter shifted his weight on his cane. "I was a greeter at Wal-Mart."
"A greeter at Wal-Mart?" Lance asked. "Well, then why did you come to Arus?"
"Wal-Mart fired me."
"How do you get fired from being a greeter at Wal-Mart?" Lance asked.
"Some people got offended by my opening line when they came in the store."
Lance could see the curiosity on Keith's face and shook his head, trying to tell him to just let it go.
Keith ignored Lance again. "What was your line?"
"Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!" Walter smiled. "Have a nice day."
Lance pushed the button for the first floor again, hoping that maybe this one time it would speed up the elevator.
The three stood in silence for several floors. Keith, being a nervous wreck, pulled out the small box that contained a ring with a very rare Arusian diamond, the same ring he was going to use to ask Allura to marry him.
"You planning on asking someone to marry you?" Walter asked Keith.
"Yes I am."
"I'm married, have been for 45 yrs."
Keith's eyes opened wide. "Wow. I'm impressed."
"Don't be," Walter told him. "I'm not."
Keith looked at the ring and then at Walter. "What was the happiest moment of your life?"
"46 years ago."
"That can't be true," Keith stated.
"You'll see." Walter shifted his weight again. "You know the part where you say 'til death do us part'?"
"Yeah…," Keith answered.
"It's not until much later that you realize that you're actually setting a goal."
"Isn't that being a bit negative?" Keith asked him.
"I don't know…I thought it was funny," Lance chimed in.
Keith rolled his eyes at Lance then turned to Walter. "Are you and your wife not getting along anymore?"
"Son, we never got along to begin with."
"It can't be that bad," Keith said.
"Well, take this morning for example," Walter said. "She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over."
Lance erupted into a fit of laughter.
"I've never heard it put quite that way before," Keith commented.
Walter just shook his head. "You'll see."
"What's the love life like at your age?" Keith inquired.
"You mean sex?"
"Yeah…"
Walter gave Keith a stern look. "I'm married you moron!"
Lance was laughing even harder now.
"Come on, there's no romance or foreplay?" Keith asked.
"At our age, foreplay has come down to this: 'Hey, wake up'."
Lance continued laughing behind Keith's back.
"Do you want to know what oral sex is for us now?" Walter continued.
"What?" asked Keith.
"She yells 'Screw you!' and I yell 'Bite me!'."
"How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, then?" asked Keith.
"Febreeze."
Tears were streaming down Lance's face and his ribs were aching."
"You know, when I was younger I was quite the ladies man," Walter told Keith.
"Oh?"
"I use to chase skirts all over the Earth….until I got to Scotland, and boy was I surprised."
The elevator came to a stop at the first floor. Lance, still in tears, exited the elevator with Keith. Walter remained on the elevator as the doors closed.
"That guy was funny. I hope I meet him again."
"Yeah," Keith said as he stared at the little box in his hand. "Hey Lance…"
"Yeah?" Lance managed to say as he wiped away the last of his tears.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"Tell Allura and the others that I'm going to be a bit late to practice today." Keith placed the box back in his pocket.
"Ok, but why?"
"I need to go to the store and buy a lot of Febreeze."