Disclaimer: Owning nothing

When the story was last left off, Jared had escaped from the clutches of a lonely faun only to run smack into the mysterious streetlamp…again. What fate will befall him now? Better question, what horrendous fate will befall all from Narnia who run into him?

Jared woke up in a daze, not sure where he was, wondering vaguely about Chinese food. Suddenly, Jared heard bells approaching and in his concussion stupor he thought of Santa Claus.

"Santa! Did you get me that Cornish game hen I asked for?" he cried, jumping in front of the sleigh.

Which he was then hit by.

Obviously, the driver of the sleigh was none other than Jadis the white bitch! I mean…witch, yeah that was it.

"Dwarf servant!" commanded Jadis.

"Can you at least give me name?" grouched the nameless dwarf.

"Fine, from now on your name shall be… Curly-cue Princess!" decreed the Queen.

"Can I just go back to being random Dwarf #5?"

"Whatever, just go see what peasant we crushed this time."

By now, Jared was dimly aware of two people talking. He watched in confusion as Curly-cue Princess/Dwarf #5 examined him.

"It appears to be some kind of Australian platypus my Lady, I think it wet itself before we hit it."

"No," Jared groggily replied, "I'm a son of Adam, the sexy co-worker." Suddenly, he leapt back in alarm.

"You're not Santa!"

"Of course not," crooned The Queen. "I am the White Witch."

"What's up, snow ho?"

The Witch reached down to strangle him, remembering just in time that she would need a human's blood to…I don't know, complete some sacrifice for everlasting power or something.

So, instead she picked him up and put him in the sleigh.

"Are you cold son of Adam?"

"I could really use some bacon," grumbled Jared.

"I know not of this 'bacon' you speak of, but I can offer you some Turkish Delight."

Jared stared at her wide-eyed, "You mean some sort fancy Turkish hooker?"

"Uhhh… Yeah, but they're at my castle, so you have to come with me to get them."

Jared narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "I don't know if I can trust you," he said as he moved to get off the sleigh.

Just then, he saw someone crouching in the bushes. It was Mr. Tumnus!

"Jared, we never had the scones!"

"On second thought, you look like a very trustworthy evil queen, let's go to your place!"

As the sleigh sped along, there was a slight bump.

"What was that?" Asked Jared as he heard someone behind them yell: "They squished Mr. and Mrs. Beaver!"

"Nothing," replied the Witch.

Finally, they reached the castle, which was made entirely of ice.

"Wow," said Jared as he stared. "You ever think of going on MTV cribs?"

They walked into the castle and the Queen led Jared to a small room that looked remarkably like a jail cell.

As she locked him in, Jared had an epiphany.

"Hey wait a sec, are you making me your prisoner?"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm going to hold you here until I kill Aslan and then I'm gonna kill you on the Stone Tablet and use your blood to rule forever."

"Oh…so no Turkish Delights then?"