Chapter 2
The couple was silent for about half the trip as Kate drove them toward the loft, although Castle's hand rested warmly on her thigh…a frequent enough occurrence for them to see it as a habit now. He still looked straight ahead, though, saying nothing and looking staid, somber.
Kate was the one who eventually broke the silence. She slipped her hand over his and asked, "You aren't really over being angry, are you?"
He finally glanced at her and then looked forward again. "I thought I was, but I guess…no, maybe not. What you did…what you said…it…"
"Maybe we should talk about that before we tackle anything else?"
He squeezed her thigh gently to reassure her and answered, "Maybe we should."
She drove for another minute or so in silence and then asked with a hint of disbelief, "But you still love me enough to want to marry me?"
"Yes." He looked back at her again. "But, Beckett, we need to come to some understandings first. It's time to do that if we're going to make this work…and I want that more than anything."
"Me, too." She squeezed his hand before putting her own back on the steering wheel, and they rode a little longer in relatively comfortable quiet, each nervous about the impending conversation but hopeful that it would clear a path to something better.
"Traffic hasn't been bad. We're almost there." Castle rubbed his hand on her thigh gently before removing it when she pulled up and stopped in front of his building. As they met at the back of the car, he put an arm around her waist again.
"I'll make the coffee, and you'll find pen and paper?" she asked.
He nodded in agreement.
They greeted the doorman as they entered the building and went to the loft with no further conversation. Leaving their jackets on the back of the sofa, they each went to their designated tasks, Kate to start the coffee and Castle to get pen and paper for the pros and cons of their decision making.
Castle returned with pens, pencils, and printer paper and placed them on the breakfast bar as Kate took mugs from the cabinet. When she set them on the counter, he slipped his arms around her waist and asked, "Can we start with this?"
Kate slid her arms up and around his neck and leaned against him in relief. "I've missed this," she answered. "When you stood up from the swings, I thought you were leaving and we'd never have this again...and…"
He kissed her gently, reassuring her that she had been mistaken and then pulled her close, luxuriating in the comforting feeling of her fingers moving through the hair at the back of his head.
"Hold me closer," she insisted, and he held her tighter, kissing the top of her head.
After a long moment, he moved away from her. "Looks like the coffee is ready. Sit down; I'll get it."
"No. You sit down. That was my job," she told him and turned to fill the mugs. When the coffee was prepared just the way they liked it, she took the mugs, placed them on the counter, and sat down next to Castle. They sat so they were facing, each with an arm resting on the counter, their positions mirror images of each other, and she slid her hand over his as she spoke. "You first. Talk to me," she said. "I know I've hurt you again and that saying I'm sorry isn't nearly enough. Say what you need to say, vent, whatever you need to do. I'm listening, and I know I deserve it."
He looked down at their hands and allowed the contact to continue as he answered her, his residual anger and frustration with her taking him right to the point. "The first thing you need to know is that I love you enough not to give up on us yet. The second thing is that, in spite of the last couple of weeks, I know how hard you've tried to be open with me, and that means more than I can tell you…that's what makes me willing to keep trying. I know that hasn't been easy for you."
"And the rest?"
"Most of this year I thought I could see that you loved me, even though I hadn't heard it. Then you said it…under less than ideal circumstances, but you said it; and when we got out of that building alive, I thought we were on the right path." He stopped for a moment, moved his hand from hers, and looked angrier that he had up until then. He turned slightly away from her, and his words picked up in speed and intensity as he continued. "Then you allowed Vaughn close enough to kiss you…you did let him know you didn't intend to reciprocate, but you still allowed him to get that close. After that, you flew to D.C. for a job interview that you never mentioned to me…knowing it would cause a huge change in our relationship, and then you told me it wasn't about me, asked me not to make it about us. We were back to it being your life when you should have been thinking it was ours. But the worst of it was that both times you lied to me…again. Those things hurt, Kate. They hurt like hell.
"I am sorry. The kiss…I just wanted to talk to you about it without an audience. I didn't want to put it out there in front of Ryan…or anybody else. The job interview…that was wrong of me. I should have talked to you. I've told you how bad I am at relationships, and I seem to keep proving it."
"Until the last few weeks, I thought you were really good at this relationship. Other than my mother and my daughter, you're the most important person in my life…and, even there, you hold equal importance with them. What you did this week…what you said…it made me feel like I'm only a peripheral importance to you…that you don't intend to think in terms of us if something better comes along. I've already been through that twice…three times if we count Kyra; so yeah, I'm, still angry…and hurt, and confused, and wondering how much I've imagined and how much is real."
He stopped and ran a hand throught his hair, seeming to be calming himself again, and took a deep breath before he continued. "Then Mother made me face myself, pointed out that at the first sign of trouble I'd run away. I remembered how much you trusted me through Tyson and Meredith…and how you took care of me when I was hurt, how much you put into that party, how you looked at me all these months, how you touched me…and I don't think it was my imagination that those things happened because you care. So I did some soul-searching and realized we both need to grow up and be honest and decide where we go from here."
"Rick, I don't blame you for being angry. I knew what I'd done was wrong, and I wanted to talk it out, but you walked away. That worries me. The times we've had a huge argument or a big misunderstanding, one of us has decided it was over and walked away. That's how it felt when you left…like we might be finished. I was there with a job possibility most people in law enforcement would be beyond honored to even be considered for and a partner I love who couldn't stand to be near me right then…nobody to help me think it through." She took a breath and looked away, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. "Then the actual offer came. I talked to my dad before I met you at the park, and he didn't hold back on his advice any more than Martha did. I told him about the job, that I felt like I was at a crossroads and had to choose between two futures; and he asked me why I thought I had to choose."
"What was your answer?"
Looking back up, she answered, "The short version is that I didn't know what we had, or whether it was real. I guess I threw both of us into a position of having to think it through in a moment of crisis. I've never been happier than the time we've been together. We got past a few pretty rough places and still made it through a whole year; but in all that time, we never once talked about the future. The one time I worked up my nerve and tried to ask, I didn't get an answer. I don't know. Maybe I was too vague, but it made me wonder if you wanted any more than what we already had. When the future of my career came up more than once in the past few weeks, it added some pressure to the other question. Vaughn intentionally cultivated the seeds of doubt, talked about knowing people who could help advance my career, then the task force interview offer came on the heels of it..."
"But why not tell me about the offer? That's what I don't understand." The lingering emotional pain at her choice was obvious in his voice. "Don't you trust me enough yet to tell me when you want something this important? Were you getting tired of me? Were you having doubts about a future with me? If you had told me before the interview, my reaction would have been completely different. I would have thought it through with you…backed you up."
Kate looked down at her hands where they were clasped nervously on the counter. "I convinced myself that I didn't need to upset you before I went for the interview…saw what the job would demand, and it would be demanding. In retrospect it was an asinine thing to do, but it seemed to make sense at the time." She dropped her face to her hands for a moment then ran her hands through her hair as she exhaled a sharp breath. "And, no, I'm not tired of you. I feel like you're part of me now." She stopped and combed her hands through her hair again. "Dad reminded me that when I get scared, I hide in my work."
"He's right."
"I know."
"Is that what this is…a way to hide in your work?"
"He pointed out that I haven't had a relationship that lasted this long, that I've usually ended them by now. He said to be sure that whatever decision I make is because of what I want, not because I'm afraid."
"Are you afraid?"
"I was…yeah, I guess I am."
"Mother asked me if I was holding back on asking you for more because somewhere deep down I didn't believe it would ever work. I've decided I don't believe that."
"Neither do I…even though I don't always make it easy."
"And you do want to marry me, but you're not ready to say yes now?"
"If you can forgive my stupidity and give me another chance…yes."
Castle finally turned back to look in Kate's direction again. "I did fall in love with you knowing it wouldn't be easy, and I'm not innocent of all blame, either. I never tried to ask about our future at all. I created the opening for you to have doubts about what I wanted, and I've done some stupid things, too…things you've forgiven."
"But since Smith, you haven't lied to me or hidden anything important."
He reached to take her hand again, running his thumb gently over the back of it. "My first marriage was entirely for Alexis. I wasn't going to have my child grow up without a father. Meredith was along as part of the package. I thought we could make it work for our child. The second marriage was as much for Alexis as for me. I was lonely, and she was growing up, needed a woman's viewpoint…a mother figure; and Gina and I got along well, enjoyed each other then. You need to know that this one…ours…is the only marriage I've wanted entirely for myself. My only demand is that you don't lie to me again, and that you don't leave me out of things that will affect both of us. I can't keep accepting that and hold on to any of my self-respect."
"What if I turn into an idiot temporarily and disappoint you again?" she asked, looking back down.
"Then you come to me and tell me instead of hiding it and letting me find out on my own, and we'll probably have this ugly argument again; but some honesty should get us through." He leaned to look at her downcast face. "We're both going to do stupid things, annoy each other, argue, be jealous, feel our insecurities again; we always have. We wouldn't be a normal couple if that didn't happen; but if we can be happy most of the time, isn't it worth the effort?"
"Yeah, it is." She looked up at him again, and he leaned closer to press a soft kiss to her lips.
"So you'll keep the ring and tell me when you're ready?" he asked, reaching to play with the ring that was still on her finger.
"No. I want you to keep the ring…and surprise me again when it feels more like love than desperation. I don't care when that is, but we should remember the beginning of our future as something joyful. This proposal grew out of fear of losing each other…the result of my total lack of good sense. You deserve a better memory than that."
"You do, too. The proposal wasn't intended to try to make you stay. It was to let you know I'm in this a hundred per cent. I didn't want you to have any doubts." He looked into her eyes as he kissed her ring finger.
"I know that. You're an amazing man, Richard Castle." She stood, removed the ring and handed it to him, and he put it in his pocket.
"Another surprise, then…another time." He pulled her into the vee of his legs, wrapping his arms around her middle. "You don't have to choose…just decide. I'm your partner. I've got your back. I love you, Beckett," he said, finally gifting her with a subdued smile."
"I love you, too," she answered. "Thank you…for loving me in spite of myself," she added with a small smile before she leaned in to kiss him.
The kiss eased them into the feeling of being together again, and when it broke, Castle answered, "Then I guess we'd better start our lists and decide how to make it work."