Chapter Two:

To Move Forward

"What could not be changed

Must be endured"

Lan Mandragoran

New Spring, R. Jordan

In the span of twenty-six years of living, banging his head while getting inside the cockpit of a mobile suit, of having his arm stitched due to an accident in the training field, of having been shaken up badly after being shot down in the Buster Gundam, no pain could equal that of seeing Miriallia Haww beating at his chest hard. It made his heart hurt too much.

"You... you never even said goodbye!" she cried out as she dashed the tears away before they fell, one hand gripping the collar of his jacket, the other one wiping at her eyes. "I was looking for you! But you! You never waited!"

Dearka's brow furrowed deeply at the memory of that day, ten years ago. The day when the cease-fire was declared. He knew exactly what Miriallia was talking about. How could he forget? It was the day his heart died.

Slowly, the memories flooded his mind's eye as he vaguely listened to Miriallia weeping. He had been ecstatic about the cease-fire, and he had been looking for her then in the crowded hallways of the ship. She was nowhere to be found… He had assumed she was with Kira and the rest, in the infirmary, but just when he was about to go there, Yzak had pulled him away, telling him that Exaria Jule had personally come to fetch them by shuttle. He had no other choice but to comply. He was already in it deep as it is, and disobeying summons will only make things worse…

But was it a good enough excuse?

Dearka gripped her wrist firmly and tried to pry her fingers from his collar. "I… tried to find you then… I tried… But I couldn't find you… And…"

She snapped her hand back, startling Dearka. "Ten years, Dearka. Ten goddamn years! You never so much as tried to contact me?" She took a step back, shaking her head in disbelief.

This was all too new to the former Buster pilot. Although he had expected her cold façade towards him, tears and a very unexpected outrage were something he did not see coming… Could you have actually been expecting me to call you? Write you a letter? Drop by for a visit?

He tried to reach for her hand again, dropping the heavy bag on the grass. She whimpered as she pulled away again, out of reach. It pained him, having to see her recoil from him like this. She was so beautiful, even when she cried… or maybe she was beautiful because she was crying, the setting sun behind her setting her hair a fiery red, the gentle light making her skin glow to an unnaturally bronze sheen…

Were you waiting for me all this time?

But there were a lot of reasons behind it, staying away from her this long. But maybe all those reasons would appear to be nothing more than excuses to her… That was because his reasons cannot be good enough. He tried to tell himself that he stayed away for her sake, that he wanted her to move on without him trying to mess her decisions while she did. He tried to convince himself that he laid low because he cared, because he thought it best for her that he wouldn't be around.

But of course, he knew, along with Yzak, that the real reason was because he was a wuss. Yzak had been lenient with him regarding his days-off, but he would simply adamantly decline. If his memory served him right, he'd only had three days-off in an entire year, on average… Christmas and New Year would pass, along with his birthday, and he would slave away, shuffling papers and training, taking the necessary break when he was sent by Yzak to Earth for more diplomatic crap. But on all the trips he had to Earth, he never even tried to visit Miriallia…

Not once…

Because he was afraid that if he did see her, he would break down crying…

I wanted to see you. So much it hurts… Getting here and finding you was the easy part, but then I didn't know what you'd say – what I'd say – when I did see you… Will you be thinking of him, throwing it to my face how you lost him… How you wished that none of it happened?

Miriallia wrapped her arms around herself, shivering. And it had nothing to do with the cold autumn breeze. "Why are you here?" she demanded. "Why are you here all of a sudden?"

His voice cracked when he tried to answer, letting out a very hoarse reply. "I came here… because of you…"

It was the truth… It took him ten years to finally convince himself that he needed this to move on. Yes, he was starting to believe that he needed her just for the mere reason of living.

He tried to reach for her one more time, but she scuttled back a bit. For some weird reason, this made Dearka smile. She hadn't changed a bit. She was scared of him as she had been ten years ago. If it weren't for her obviously magnified beauty over the years, he would not have thought her to have aged. But his smile was immediately wiped out of his face when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice low and deadly.

"It took me ten years to get me where I am now, Dearka. Five years of mourning for the love I've lost in the war at the same time trying to assess my feelings…" she hesitated, then continued. "Trying to assess my feelings for you! Trying to decipher that boggling mystery why I can't get you out of my head! And another five years of trying to patch up what's left of my miserable life after mourning!" Fresh tears flowed down her cheek, and she gritted her teeth, obviously trying to control the rage in her.

Could it be that she really did wait for me?

"Miriallia… I'm sorry… I was stupid then… but I'm wiser now. Older."

"Well, you know what, Dearka?" Her eyes narrowed into slits. "So am I." and with that, she hurried across the field of grass, her orange skirt flowing behind her.

And all he could do was watch.

Dearka's shoulders slumped as she vanished from his field of view, but jumped when he heard someone speak from behind him.

"Weird, isn't it, Dearka?" It was none other than Cagalli. She had picked him up from the shuttle docks earlier, and the moment that she did, he had asked him to take him to Miriallia. The princess, who seemed to have mellowed down a bit over the years, had been hesitant about it. But due to his nagging, she finally did…

"What is?" Dearka asked, massaging his temple, suddenly feeling tired.

"That over the years, she seemed to have reserved a lot of bitterness for you." The princess smiled sadly, approaching him with small silent steps. Dearka smiled back, however forced it was. Cagalli had changed a lot over the years, but of course, he had been there to see the transition. She and Athrun had been to and from Orb over the decade, occasionally dropping by with a basket of cookies from Lacus and asking him and Yzak out for a few cups of coffee. Dearka had gone out with them, but would leave immediately when things got intimate. It was even surprising to him that Yzak preferred to stay.

In the span of those many, many years, Cagalli had grown her before-scraggly blonde hair into a shiny sleek ponytail trailing down her back to her waist, and had developed a lot of curves enough to drive Athrun to the brink of insanity in bed. But one thing that did not change was her concern for everyone around her. Patting him on the shoulder, she shook her head. "Are you okay?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

That made her pause. "Nothing. I, myself, was surprised by her reaction in seeing you. You must have left her something to think about…"

Dearka turned from the princess to the setting sun, then sighed. "A heartache… That's what I left. And a lot of regrets for me."

Cagalli hesitated for a bit once more, then let her hand fall to her sides. "Dearka, you have to know something before things get out of hand… Milly, she's - "

"She's engaged."

"You knew?"

"Just a few hours ago, yes. Yzak told me."

This made her open her eyes wide. "Then why did you come here?"

H shrugged, picking up his bag. "The right question is why I didn't come sooner."

Too many things should have been said, too many things should have been done. He shouldn't have waited this long… And now it might be too late. He started for Cagalli's car sitting a few feet away.

"Do you… love her?"

Dearka stopped in mid-stride at the sudden question. He scoffed. "It's not like it would matter, right?"

Cagalli gasped. "You do love her then."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm the last person you should ask. I know nothing about love." He tried to change the subject. "You on the other hand, are an expert. How are you and Athrun?"

The mere mention of the name lit the princess' face like a lamp. She blushed suddenly. "Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

Leaning forward shyly, she whispered in his ear. "I'm pregnant."

Any depressing thought flew out the window. Dearka almost fell to the floor. "Holy cow! Really?" He scooped the girl in his arms in a hug, "Oh, my God, Cagalli! Congratulations!"

The princess laughed pleasantly when he set her back down. "Athrun doesn't know yet. I'm going to tell him over the dinner party I am hosting for his birthday two days from now. Don't tell him, all right?"

His own melancholy forgotten momentarily, he nodded as the two of them made it back to the car. "So the rumors of you guys getting married are true?"

Cagalli smirked. "If it isn't, I'll wup his ass."

Dearka laughed whole heartedly as he tossed his bag in the backseat and rode in the passenger seat. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"

"Not a one."

Miriallia skidded to a halt when she finally reached the bus stop, the tears that have been flowing down her cheeks dry from the cool wind blowing from the east. She felt her knees betray her and she flopped down on the bench sitting beside the stop sign.

Heaving a sigh, trying to catch her breath, she slammed a fist on her lap. "Well, you know what, Dearka? So am I," she mimicked in a singsong voice. She had declared to his face as well as to herself that she was older and wiser, but had reacted contrary to her words.

She could not understand what had gotten into her then! She had practically snapped his head off simply because he didn't try to see her over the years. How irrational was that?

You had no right to tell him those words, since he had no certain obligation to see you. Be a woman. You were wrong.

But still she could not believe how terribly she was shaking at the mere memory of him. He had grown taller… His hair was longer, too… She found herself fingering her own locks. I've always wondered what he'd look like with longer hair…

Letting her hand drop to her lap again, she buried her face to her knees, groaning in despair. This was the first time she had actually gotten to release that tight ball of bitterness over the years, but what caught her off-guard was the fact that it didn't seem to have faded at all. It was still as strong as before…

That fated day when he had suddenly disappeared from the Archangel without a goodbye to everyone, the sadness that came with the disappointment surprised her as did Kira and the rest. She had been out of it, barely eating and sleeping with lingering thoughts of guilt for having almost killed him in the earlier days when they first met. Words then were her only weapons to try to unburden herself of the pain of loss, but those words were no sooner used against her by her conscience.

And he never even let me apologize.

She shivered. She wasn't lying when she told him earlier that it took her this long to finally get her life moving. When she did, in fact, try to mourn for whatever the war had robbed from her, she would end up having unwanted thoughts of people who at the same time given her something to think about… Dearka Elthman had unwittingly and unknowingly made her think of him for reasons unknown to her then, and still unknown to her now.

Raising her face to the ceiling of the low shed, she closed her eyes tightly and let out a breath, remembering Cagalli's words to her a few years back, when she had announced that Sai proposed.

"He asked you to marry him? And you said yes. Are you sure about this?"

"Why not? He's a very reliable man. He's stable and settled and he cares about me a lot. Why not?"

"I… I mean, what do you feel about him? You've been seeing each other for what? Two years? But still, I don't seem to… feel the connection."

"Connection?"

"Love."

"I'm not getting any younger. And so is he. Setting down will be good for me. Love… it'll come. I suppose."

And after three years of being engaged, it probably still hasn't come. Or maybe it already has. Sai, he could grow on you real fast. This was the thing she tried to convince herself of, that so long as she was secure about her future, it was more than enough.

Why did you have to show up now? Everything seems so unbalanced now that you're here. And the worst part is, I don't even know why I care. She grabbed her cell phone from her purse and stared at it in the dimming lights of the afternoon. I've worked so hard to make this happen. Nothing can ruin it. Not even you and your sudden appearance into my life.

Flipping the phone open, she quickly pressed redial and waited in anticipation as it rang.

Once…

Twice…

"Hello?"

"Sai, it's me," she greeted cheerfully as she tugged at her ear nervously.

"Mir? What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing. I just… wanted to call and… well… ask how you are…"

Sai laughed at that. "Mir, I just called you not fifteen minutes ago!"

"I know that, Sai… It's just that… "

"Is something wrong? Do you need anything from me? If you need me, I'd gladly hurry back before they drag me off to work."

"No, it's not that. I just wanted to tell you that… " she shifted the phone from one ear to another, then cleared her throat. "Sai, I want to get married."

There was a loud clatter on the other end of the line, then a lot of scuttling. Sai must have dropped his phone. After a while, his voice burst through the earpiece. "Oh, my God, Mir are you serious?"

This made her smile shyly, even though she knew he can't see it. "I am. I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly decided that I think we've been seeing each other long enough, and maybe it would be better if we settled down… Are you up to it?"

"Best news I've had in twenty-six years! Oh, man! Mir, you don't know how much this means to me!"

"To me, too, Sai." She looked out into the sky, squinting as a flock of birds soared into the clear darkening sky. "So when are you coming home?"

"Heck, I'd come home now if I weren't needed here! But I'll be home as early as tomorrow night, okay? I'm calling my parents now to tell them the good news. So expect a call from them within the hour. God, they've been waiting for this for a long time now! "

"For the planning right? Your mother has been nagging me about it too. Well, I'll see you then?"

"You know you will." Sai coughed a few times before hesitantly speaking. "And Miriallia?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Miriallia laughed a bit, closing her eyes slowly and clenching her free hand into one tight fist, pushing out of her head the thoughts of a certain handsome man who had suddenly returned to her at the moment she least expected him to. Nothing can ruin this for me… Not even you…

"I love you too, Sai…"