Morning came too early for Merlin. He almost forgot what happened to Freya for about 30 seconds when he woke up. The sunlight poured through the small window in his bed chamber and he remembered how much had suddenly changed in his life. He lay in bed and remembered the soft, gentle flow of Freya's voice and the pressure her lips against his. The sooner he got out of bed, the sooner he'd have to face everyone and everything he wanted to avoid.

He let himself stay in bed until Gaius knocked on the door in a short burst of quick knocks.

"Merlin, are you awake yet?"

"Yes…" Merlin sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was face anybody.

Regardless of his mood, Merlin quickly got ready and joined Gaius for a quick breakfast. He tried to eat the apple he'd accepted from the older man, but after a few bites, even his stomach seemed to lose interest.

"Are you alright this morning Merlin?" Gaius asked, concern lacing his voice.

"Yeah… yeah, just tired. I should get going." Merlin gave a week smile and tossed the half eaten apple in the trash on the way out the door.

He walked slowly to the kitchens to get Arthur's breakfast, knowing he had a bit of time before he'd have to deal with the prince. He wasn't sure why he didn't like being around Arthur anymore. Normally he was nearly friends with the prince, but lately being around Arthur, and most people, was exhausting. He said soft hellos to the other servants he passed but didn't take time to interact with them as he normally would.

To his surprise Arthur was already awake when Merlin arrived. He was still lying in bed, but he was awake.

"Am I late sire? I apologize." Merlin said placing the tray of food down on the table.

"No Merlin, you haven't screwed up today yet, I'm simply awake too early…" Arthur chuckled and slowly got out of bed and walked to the table as Merlin opened the curtains, letting light into the room.

"Ah, well… good." Merlin knew the prince was joking, but he couldn't think of his normally witty replies. He went about tidying the room in silence as Arthur ate. After Arthur had finished his food, Merlin helped him dress for the day.

"You're rather quiet today Merlin," Arthur stated, watching his servant tie the string of his shirt.

"Hmm… sorry sire. I always thought you liked it better when I wasn't making comments."

"Yes…" Arthur raised an eyebrow and took over the task of dressing himself. "Well, it's rather odd."

Merlin ignored the comment and hoped to be alone sooner rather than later. "Right, well is there anything you need before I start my normal chores?"

"No… just make sure you polish my armor and get it to me by early this afternoon. I'm training with the knights and I'm sure we'll need you there for something."

"Of course." Merlin quickly left the room, taking the empty tray from Arthur's breakfast back to the kitchen before heading to the stables to take care of the horses.

There was, of course, another servant who took care of all the royal horses, but Merlin had been sent to muck out the stables so often, that helping with Arthur's horse had eventually become a daily activity. He rather liked spending time with the animal. Arthur's horse was quite unlike the prince. He was gentle but smart and always seemed to like when Merlin was around.

Merlin helped the stable boy feed the horses and muck out the stables. It was always an easier job when there were two people doing it and Merlin didn't mind the stable boy. They didn't speak often unless needed. When Merlin had been happier and more himself, he'd try to speak more with the boy, but he also understood that the boy liked being quiet. Now, it was something Merlin appreciated more than ever.

Together, they finished quickly and Merlin was forced to go back to the main castle. He figured the prince was out of his chambers by now and he would be alone as he made the bed and cleaned it properly.

He was right of course. He knew Arthur's daily schedule and the prince would be meeting with his father right about now. Merlin began cleaning with the help of his magic after he made sure the door was locked. The last thing he needed was more people finding out about his magic, especially people who would be less understanding than Gwaine.

When he was done he went to the armory. He sighed, thinking of how much he'd have to pretend this afternoon with the knights. He knew Freya had been the tipping point, but he also knew he'd been feeling tired of his life for weeks before Freya showed up. Freya's presence and situation had just forced Merlin to see what he'd wanted to ignore. Without her, there was no one who truly understood him. He couldn't ignore how different he was anymore. He didn't fit in with anyone and that's what was so exhausting. The constant hiding and the secrets that Merlin had to keep were wearing him down. He hid behind his clever ideas and witty retorts. It had been easy at first, almost fun. But now it was just too much. Sure he had Gwaine now, but Gwaine understood him less that Gaius did.

Merlin began polishing Arthur's armor and sword, taking his time.

"Merlin!" Gwaine said as he entered the armory fifteen minutes later. "How are you this morning?"

"I'm fine Gwaine. Thanks." Merlin looked up briefly to acknowledge the knight's entrance but knew his eyes would betray him.

"Glad to hear it. I understand you're to help us this afternoon at training." Gwaine took a seat next to Merlin on the bench and began to inspect his own sword for polishing.

"Yes. I suppose I'll be the target practice again."

Gwaine laughed and it almost made Merlin smile. Gwaine's happiness was usually so infective, but then again, Merlin was usually happy himself.

Merlin listened quietly as Gwaine began a story about some joke he and the other knights had tried to pull on Lancelot. Merlin wanted to care. He wanted to laugh and think that everything was great. He just couldn't see the point. The one person who Merlin truly connected with was now dead. Millions of people that could have understood Merlin were murdered because of Uther or now in hiding, feeling just as he did: scared, tired, and alone.

Gwaine suddenly stopped talking, finished with his story. Merlin gave a forced smile and set Arthur's helmet down, picking up the sword instead.

"Merlin, your hand…" Gwaine said gently.

"What?" Merlin looked at the sword in his hand. He was holding it by the blade, not even noticing that the edge had sliced open his palm. "Oh."

Gwaine took the sword from Merlin and wrapped his hand in a cloth from his pocket.

"Go see Gaius, Merlin. Get some rest before lunch. I'll finish this for you."

"No, I'll be fine, you shouldn't-" Merlin stared at his friend, a knight, a secret noble, and couldn't see how the man could care so much for a simple servant.

"Of course I should. It's what friends do. Now go. I'll see you this afternoon." Gwaine placed his hand on Merlin's back and gently pushed him to stand from the bench.

Merlin nodded. "Thank you."

Thank you all for such positive responses. This is kind of challenging me as I've never focused so much on Merlin characters. So anything positive or negative you have to say is much appreciated. This isn't going to be a self-harm story, but Merlin's just kind of careless lately. Don't know how many chapters I'll have, but there will be more.