Thank you for the favourites and reviews and those who read it.
The bits in Italics are her talking to herself the conversation going through her mind
Hope you enjoy it
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Walking up the stairs taking them two at a time how he hoped he was wrong with what he saw, as soon as she saw the news his mind went to Olivia, he knew his partner still had feelings for Cassidy, she had his photo still in her drawer and when she thought no one was looking he saw her looking at it quickly closing the drawer hoping no one had seen it.
The door opened before he even put his hand on it he could see the worry on her face
"Nick, tell me what this is about" the urgency in her voice
"There has been a shootout they haven't given much details, some officers were killed, others wounded and there are some seriously injured, I thought I saw Cassidy in one of the photos, I'm not sure if he is one of the officers or undercover or how seriously he was injured, Liv I'm sorry. I could be wrong and I really hope I am. I tried to ring a mate in narcotics, special response but couldn't get through"
Her mind trying to process it all, why was he telling her if he wasn't sure "Narcotics, was it a drug bust gone wrong?" her voice questioning, confusion in it
Shaking his head "I don't know Liv" the frustration that he didn't know more, wondering if he had made the right decision "I was just seeing if someone knew something, I wasn't even going to say anything until I was sure, but I know you still have feelings for him Liv and thought you should know, I can stay here the night if you want"
Her voice shaky did she really want to know, wonder what was happening "I'm fine Nick, Cassidy and I broke up you know, I'll be fine"
"I know you still care about him Liv, I can sleep on the couch, you shouldn't be by yourself"
Her eyes looking at Nick remaining strong "it isn't Cassidy Nick he's been working undercover for IAB not Narcotics or anything, I don't need a babysitter. I'm not going to fall apart every time I hear something bad about someone I know" he could hear her trying to remain calm and not explode or yell
"I know Liv, but this is Cassidy, the guy you were in love with, the guy you lived with"
"We don't know for sure it is Brian, why did you have to say anything Nick" her voice exploding "why couldn't you just leave it until you knew for sure"
Walking to the door "I'm sorry I thought you would want to know" shaking his head he couldn't answer her maybe he should of waited "call me Liv if you need to any time, if I hear anything I'll let you know"
Nodding at Nick she shouldn't of taken it out on him "Sorry Nick thanks, but Cassidy is fine, we're over finished" her voice not betraying the confidence she wanted to feel.
Closing the door behind him how he wished Olivia was right for her sake but part of him believe what he saw and he was pretty sure Cassidy was caught up in it all to what extent he had no idea.
Staring at her phone did she want it to ring, why would he suddenly ring now glancing at the clock it was midnight, she couldn't call him "Bri" what would she say "I heard you were killed or shot" no
Nick was wrong he had to be wrong, did she hope that one day he wanted kids, wanted what she did, she didn't want to admit that she still loved him and cared for him and always would that her mind would go back and wonder what he was doing, if he was with someone else had he moved on. No she didn't care, she didn't want to have feelings for him still.
Lying in bed staring at the clock 1.05 am, 2.15 am 3.20 am willing the minutes to tick by quickly her eyes moving up to the ceiling around the room, the room that was their bedroom at one stage, the dresser that had both of their stuff in it, the whole room reminding her of Brian, the bed that they shared, the bed that at one stage got a huge work out, screaming out his name as orgasms exploded through her body, "fuck Brain oh fuck, I want you inside of me" the feel of him inside of her as he exploded inside of her thrusting nuzzling her neck, sucking her nipples as his tongue moved around her body. How the first time after Lewis he was so gentle with her, after moving in together for months afterwards they couldn't get enough of each other. Then work got the better of both of them, they both put work ahead of their relationship
Closing her eyes hoping to get the images of Brian out of her head, standing at the door way of the ensuite the towel wrapped around his waist, the water glistening on his body, his muscular toned chest, the chest that she would run her hands over, her fingers scraping down his back as orgasms ripped through her, the cockiness on his face as he stood there watching her.
Shaking her head the memories flooding back into her mind, the night they have parted neither of them feeling like eating holding hands walking to a bar, both having far too much to drink before making their way back to their apartment, her eyes moving to his as they collapse on the lounge watching as he moved towards her lifting her up carrying her to the bed, that night they had sex like they had never had before, the only two other times they had come close when they first started going out and moving in together, it was amazing, incredible she had never orgasmed like that in her life both of them multiple times, her back arching wanting him in there, him thrusting himself neither of them getting much or any sleep in the morning she wondered how she was walking the ache between her legs. She could feel herself becoming wet from the memory shaking her head she wanted these memories thoughts out of her head out of her mind.
Glancing at the clocks the time illuminating into the dark room 4.23 am rolling over onto her side the wardrobe in her view, tears feeling her eyes remembering the day she came home to see him standing there with his bag packed both of them not knowing what to say even if they had both agreed to it "I do love you Brian and I will miss you" the tears welling up in her eyes not for one moment did she realise that she was about to go through the horrible time with Lewis again not the physical torture like last time but the emotional psychological one and the nightmares afterwards that she had with no one comforting or holding her getting her through them.
As he walked over and kissed her forehead "I love you too Liv, always will, I hope you get what you want, I'll come back for the rest of my things in a day or two"
"Will you let me know where you are staying, I want to still be friends Bri I don't want us to be strangers" she was trying to be strong
"I will always care about you Liv, and be friends but for the time being I don't think we should see each other we need a clean break for this to work" it was what he wasn't saying that seeing her was going to be too hard, not having her in his life was going to be hard that as much as he wanted to see her he would want to touch her "we will never be strangers Liv and we will catch up for a drink or something just not for a while"
Now she did have what she wanted part of the family but not with the man she wanted it with the one man who she had loved, the first man she was truly and utterly in love with, the one who provided her with comfort.
Looking at the clock 4.41 am why was time going so slowly it was still a while before she was due up to get dressed and get Noah up
Lucy would be here at 7.30 am it was still so long to go too long to go. If it was Brian Tucker would of called her, or his mum wouldn't they, would they have called her, didn't that say something.
Trying to reason it all out in her head trying to believe it wasn't Brian she couldn't sleep she wasn't even going to try now, walking out to the lounge, turning on the TV softly as not to wake Noah, flicking through the channels did she want to see it on tv or just to numb her mind on the mindless shows or information that was on.
Her hands rubbing down her face the voices running through her head the conversations they had everything going through her mind conversations trying to reason it all out "why do you care Olivia" "of course I care why wouldn't I care" "he is out of your life now, do you really expect him to come back when you pushed him away" "I love you Brian always will" "yeah right you loved him and pushed him away" "he looked after you after the worse time of your life he was there for you and you still couldn't open up to him" "you'd have no one special in your life, that cop boyfriend no chemistry there you were looking at me the whole time"
"You're tired, I'm tired" "we're tired"
"I feel we are out of sync" "Brian what's going on"
"Liv when we moved in together I thought we'd get loser but honestly it feels we had more fun when we were just hooking u"
"There is something I need to tell you, something I've been meaning to say for a long time" "go ahead I can take it" "no not like that, not at all, not even close… I love you"
"I do love you Brian, I wanted a family do you ever see yourself growing old & having a family with me"
I'm no who I used to be" "you treated him so badly did you really expect him to stay"
"take care of yourself and me, he tried to take care of you and you pushed him away did you really expect him to stay after everything"
"he wasn't there for your Sergeants exam do you really think he will want you now, he's probably found someone else, someone who wants him, wants to be with him"
"No, stop" her voice yelling out, looking up at the ceiling "I'm sorry Brian I really am you have to be okay I still love you" fighting back the tears
She should of realised the yelling would wake up Noah, hearing his cries coming from the room walking over to his crib picking him up her voice as soothing as it could be "shh it's okay my baby boy, go back to sleep mummy is sorry for waking you up"
His hands moving up indicating he wanted to be picked up, leaning over picking him up, her hand moving around his back patting him walking out into the lounge room "want some milk in your sippee cup will that help you sleep"
Watching as his hands run over his sleepy eyes his little fingers curled up in a fist "yes please momma"
Walking over to the fridge trying to balance Noah and pour his milk "sorry baby, I have to put you down"
Watching as his face scrunches up "No I don't to go down" pointing to Olivia "momma hold me"
A sad smile on her face looking down at her man "if you want a drink I need to put you on the lounge, what if you watch over the top"
Seeing a smile building on his face "ok"
Holding Noah against her snuggled against her chest as his little hands grasp the cup as he sips it "mmmmmmm yummy"
Stroking his head "finish" handing Olivia his cup "play with toys"
Pulling him towards her, her arms wrapping around him "time for Noah to sleep"
"want to sleep wiv Momma"
Kissing the top of his head "Mummy is going to hold and cuddle you until you fall asleep, will that do"
Watching as his eyes start to droop and close and his hands curl up in a fist under his chin, hearing his soft snores. His snores reminding her of Brian except his were much louder.
"I don't snore Liv, it's your imagination"
"You snore like a chainsaw Bri"
"Babe I have never heard me snoring, but you I have, except after a heavy session in bed though"
Wanting to wipe the smirk off his face but his childish grin he knew would get her along with wiggling his eyebrows up and down
Putting Noah back to bed looking down at him in his crib did she actually hope that one day Brian would come back to her and want a family, that Noah would have a father figure.
She was happy so she thought she had what she always wanted a family even if part of it was missing but here she was a mother and she had finally found a balance between work and home with her son. She had began to wonder if she would ever achieve her dream and here she was finally able to call Noah her son, by her in a few weeks it should be official
Watching him stir and turn over, picking him up "just this once you can sleep with mommy" she needed him tonight
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Feeling a bit slobbery kiss upon her cheek "momma time to wake up" his chubby arms around her neck as she feels him shaking him, did she actually get to sleep, glancing at the clock finally 6.40 am
Turning over grabbing him playfully tickling his tummy picking him up swinging him onto her body "what are you going to do today with Lucy?"
Seeing his face screw up thinking "play in pawk and iceceam, Noah wants iceceam"
Tickling his tummy "no ice ceam for breakfast, isn't that for a treat only"
Nodding his head agreeing with her "noah be gawd for ice ceam"
A smile on her face, picking him up off the bed "let's get you ready for when Lucy arrives"
Watching as he runs to the kitchen "beaky mummy, milk and ceal"
Her eyes darting to the kitchen clock counting down the minutes until Lucy arrives glad for the distraction of her son
Kissing the top of his head absentedly her thoughts going away from Noah, did she want to go to work, did she want to find out what happened, did she actually want to know
Hearing Noah's voice babbling away "I lik momma"
Putting him down on the floor with his toys "mummy is going to get ready for work"
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Walking into SVU everything seemed the same the walk there nothing seemed different she had somehow walked from her apartment to here even with her mind elsewhere, did she want to look up to see what happened did she want to know. They all knew the dangers of joining the police it wasn't Brian it just couldn't be.
It seemed like forever but here she was at work she needed to find out more the peace of mind wasn't it, logging onto the computer her hands froze did she want to know the truth.
Looking up seeing Lt Tucker walk into SVU her heart sank for a moment she forgot how to breathe time was standing still watching as he stopped near her desk "Sergeant a word"
Her eyes moving around no this wasn't happening he wasn't here it wasn't true trying to put one foot in front of the other they felt like lead
"nice knowing you Liv' was that Fin's sarcastic voice turning around she couldn't even focus on who was here.
Seeing Lt Murphy sitting at the desk, what was her desk until he came back "close the door Sergeant" his eyes looked sympathetic did he know something maybe it was something else.
Her eyes moving side to side all she could see was the seriousness on their faces even Tucker didn't seem his usual sarcastic self
Looking up at Tucker he actually seemed a bit nervous "You might of heard on the news Sergeant about the shooting and blood bath last night"
Nodding trying to register what he was saying, please don't say it no please you're wrong why was he mentioning it to her
"I know you and Cassidy have broken up but I didn't want you to hear this from someone else"
Her eyes looking up at him pleading with him not to say it not wanting him to continue
"I'm sorry Olivia but Cassidy was caught up in it all last night, he was shot and died"
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I'd tell myself you don't mean a thing, But what we got, got no hold on me
But when you're not there I just crumble I tell myself I don't care that much,
But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch,
Say I wouldn't care if you walked away, But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay,
When you come close I just tremble And every time, every time you go, It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul
Your kisses burn into my skin, Only love can hurt like this But it's the sweetest pain, Burning hot through my veins, Love is torture makes me more sure
Only love can hurt like this, Your kisses burn into my skin, Only love can hurt like this,
Only love can hurt like this, Save me, save me,
Only love, only love, 'Cause only love can hurt like this
Listening to the song on the radio came the name of this fanfic and also part of it especially this chapter a lot of the flashbacks etc came from this and how much she doesn't want to admit that she still cares for him
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Sorry I will try to get the next chapter up shortly but I am going away on Thursday for 6 nights so might not be until end of next week but will see how I go