Adam woke up early the next morning to go hunting for breakfast, but he immediately felt something was out of place. There was no warm breath on his chest, he couldn't feel another heartbeat besides his own; Anya wasn't there. He jumped up in panic, looking around the small fraction of the cave in search of her, but she wasn't anywhere in sight. He moved the large rock that divided their area from the main cave entrance and started looking around. He saw Dean and Cas sleeping, tangled up in strange positions and sharing one thin pillow, which made a smile creep up on his face. He continued looking in every crack in the cave wall and every other side room he knew of, but Anya was nowhere to be found.
"Anya!"- he yelled out, hoping that she would hear him and come back; nothing happened.
He started panicking and running around in large circles outside of their cave, looking wherever his legs would carry him. She wasn't at the lake, the only source of drinkable water in a ten mile radius; he looked for her on their favourite cliff, hoping she would be sitting there and looking for something to hunt, but he had no luck at finding her. Suddenly, after nearly an hour of looking, yelling her name and even asking some of the friendlier demons outside of their secluded area, he remembered one more place she could have gone to. It was a long shot because they hadn't been there in nearly three years, but Adam had nothing to lose; everything he had in the world was the very thing he was looking to find.
There was a huge boulder a mile away from their cave that they used to use for monitoring demons' whereabouts in case of attack, back when there were demons in that area and they posed a threat to the two. They used to sit up there for hours, listening for any sign of danger and, if such a thing would come near them, they'd kill it. Anya never liked killing something that didn't try to hurt them, but she adjusted to the style of living after one day when a group of demons tried to kill Adam while he was hunting. She killed all of them with one of her angel 'tricks' and no other monster ever stepped foot near that place again.
He climbed the boulder quickly, looking up at the top to see if she was there. Somewhere over the middle of the climb he could hear someone moving around up there; his heart started beating faster and a gust of hope ran through Adam's chest.
"Anya?"- he asked full of hope and, when a familiar shadow fell onto the side of the boulder, he smiled with relief; climbing faster and faster up the 20 foot tall rock until he reached a flat surface and stopped to take a breath.
Just as he had hoped, she was sitting on the edge of the boulder and looking down the deserted valley up ahead, trying to find anything worth hunting down.
"What are you doing up here? You scared the hell out of me!"- he said worryingly and, when he saw that she had blood streaming down her wrists, proceeded to speed towards her with fear in his eyes,-"What happened? Did a demon do this to you?"
"No, it's nothing."- she answered sharply, twisting her hands so Adam couldn't see the blood,-"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you, obviously."- he said harshly before sitting down next to her,-"Let me see that."
He wrapped his hands around Anya's wrists and pulled them closer to himself, examining the cuts; they were deep and straight, probably made with a small knife, which means that only she could have done that.
"Did you do this to yourself?"- he asked shockingly, looking straight into her eyes.
"They'll heal, don't worry."
"Don't worry? You've been acting weird since last night, and I wanna know what's wrong!"
"Calm down, I'll heal."
"It's not about you healing a couple of cuts, Anya! It's you wanting to hurt yourself that matters."
"I didn't...I don't want to hurt myself!"
"Then what the hell are you doing up here alone? And what did you make those for?"- he asked, pointing at the cuts that were already beginning to heal.
"You wouldn't understand."- said Anya, trying to sound calm and not burst out yelling at him.
"Then explain it to me."
"I don't want to."
"Explain or I'll make Cas read your mind and tell me."- he threatened, knowing there was probably no chance of a fallen angel being able to do such a thing.
She sighed, looking emotionless and worn down.
"I'm trying to make myself feel pain."- she answered and, thinking that she hadn't explained well enough, picked up her knife and cut the wrist of her left hand, making it bleed abundantly.
"What are you doing?"- Adam yelled, wrapping his jacket around the wound to stop the bleeding, but she moved it and looked at the cut absently.
"Nothing..."- she said after a couple of seconds,-" I don't feel anything! I can't feel anything!"
Anya cupped her face with her, now completely healed, hands and let out a quiet sob.
"That's what this is about? You not being able to feel anything?"
She nodded with her head on her knees, too tired to protest or fight.
"You're half-angel for God sake, you aren't meant to feel."
"But you are!"- she yelled out through tears that were now streaming down her face; suddenly, all the things that kept her up at night for the last couple of months came rushing through her head and she had nothing else to do but get them out in the open,-"You can feel everything! When you get cut, you feel pain; when we hunt something big you smile because you're happy; when you hug me, you feel warm and safe and you love. You can feel. And I can never have that, no matter how many times i get hurt, no matter how many people, demons or monsters i kill, i will never feel anything!"
They turned face to face, both of them had tears streaming down their faces but only one could feel the reason for that. In that moment, those couple of seconds they spent just looking into each others eyes, Adam and Anya realised how broken they really were inside.
"Do you know what I saw with those two yesterday, Adam?"- she asked after that moment of silence,-"I saw how much they love each other... How much they're willing to sacrifice to keep the other one safe. Hell, I was born out of that love! So how can you feel the same towards me knowing that we will never have what they have? How can you go on day after day, loving a shell that only looks like a human being, incapable of loving you back?"
He took a deep breath, looking away from her tear covered cheeks and bloody hands for a couple of seconds, before turning back to face her.
"When you're with me..."- he managed to smile faintly,-"I don't feel like we're in here or that there are demons and hell hounds and all sorts of other bastards around us; and, sure, I don't feel safe knowing that I have two people to take care of every day, but do you know what I do feel? Whenever you crawl up under my jacket I get this tingle feeling right here..."- Adam put his hand on his stomach,-"and you know what gets me through all the blood and pain and evil down here? It's not the thought of going back up there; it's not someone who's normal, because I'm not normal either...It's you. It has always been you, ever since the day we met I've had this need to protect you and ever since that day I've loved you more than I have anyone who has ever been able to love me back. So no, you're not a broken shell of a person, you're a damaged half-human, and i love you as is."
There was another long silence, broken only by Anya and Adam's uneven breathing and occasional wiping of their cheeks. Suddenly, like it was planned from he get-go, they fell into each others arms and stayed twisted up in a tight hug for almost an hour; she was apologising for cutting her wrists and he was apologising for yelling at her because of the cuts.
"I won't do it again, I promise."- said Anya, leaning her forehead against Adam's.
"Just promise you won't do anything stupid, okay?"- he asked quietly.
"If I was going to take my own life, I would have done it by now and spared you the heartbreak, Adam."
He smiled without reason; maybe it was because he knew that Anya wasn't thinking about going anywhere soon, seeing as she didn't try to kill herself when she had the chance; or maybe it was because he realised that she admitted to loving him in a way.
"Wanna go back?"- asked Adam after another couple of minutes passed by; she spent them curled up under his jacket and listening to the sound of his heart breathing faster than usual, letting the warmth of his breath make her sleepy.
She shook her head as a negative response to her question and closed her eyes, taking in the sweet smell of his shirt that she came to love during all of their years spent together. She drifted off to sleep with the lullaby of Adam's heartbeat and breathing soothing her pulsating head.
He eventually carried Anya back to the cave and set her down to sleep, making sure to cover her with his jacket and light a fire so she wouldn't get cold. Dean and Cas were already awake and making food, so there was nothing Adam had to worry about, at least for the time being.