I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear

Hayley gazed around Dr. Rafferty's office as she sat on the couch, her arms folded in front of her. There were shelves all around the room that held books and ornaments that were meant to radiate peace and calmness, but mostly they were just odd to look at. She had grown very familiar with everything in the room considering she spent most of her sessions avoiding any conversation at all.

However today she planned to change that. Blake and Coulson had assured her the only way they were going to even consider putting her back on the field or proper training was if she opened up to her psychologist and allowed herself to get some help. Hayley wasn't big on sharing her personal life with a stranger, but if it was the only way she was going to get out of these therapy sessions, she was going to at least try. She didn't have to tell him everything either, just enough that people could see she was taking it seriously.

''Now, let's get to the reason we're here,'' Dr. Rafferty began, pulling Hayley away from her thoughts. ''You'd like to get back into the field, correct?''

''Yes,''

''Do you mind if we go over your previous time spent in the field environment?''

''Two and a half years in the United States Armed Forces, one year in SHIELD's Operations Division,'' Hayley answered immediately.

''And you'd like to continue with SHIELD?''

''Yes, as soon as possible,''

Dr. Rafferty looked up at the woman and put down the pen in his hands, paying her full attention.

''Can you explain to me why it's so important you immediately get back into the field? Has it to do with your brother?''

Hayley tightened her arms around her chest.

''If he was here he would do the same. He wouldn't sit around for five months like I have, he would be back out there fighting and I don't have the right to do any less than he would because...''

''Yes?'' the man asked, encouraging her to continue since he had barely gotten a word out of her in their past sessions.

''Because I got to live and he didn't. I can't waste it, he wouldn't,''

''You don't want to waste the life your brother should have had,'' Dr. Rafferty concluded. ''But going back on the field in the mental state you're in will bring new challenges that you won't be able to handle just yet,''

''My mental state is fine. I've been training every day on my own since SHIELD won't allow me to train with the division, I'm ready to go back,'' she defended. ''I can handle it,''

''Physical training in no way means you're mentally prepared,'' he shook his head. ''There's going to be struggles,''

Hayley stared at the man for a moment, wondering if he was going to elaborate. Whatever struggles were waiting for her out on the field were none that she hadn't dealt with before, she knew she would be able to handle it. No one listened to her these days though when it came to her health, mostly mental. They refused to believe she was ready to go back but they didn't understand it was the only way she could see herself coping.

''Hayley,'' Dr. Rafferty began. ''When you say that you got to live and he didn't, do you mean to say you value your life less? That you don't deserve it?''

Hayley shifted in the seat, trying to tear her gaze away from the doctor, but his question kept lingering in her mind everywhere she looked in the room. She had shared enough for today, she didn't need to answer that. As she glanced around the wall again, her attention was taken by the clock just above the door. When she didn't answer her, Dr. Rafferty knew where she was looking.

The clock had taken her interest over everything else during her sessions and when he noticed her looking once again, he knew he wasn't getting anymore from her that day He was pleased with her efforts though, at least he could tell she was beginning to give that effort he was asking for, but she still had a long way to go.

''Until next time then,'' he nodded toward her, standing up and walking her to the door.

Blake was standing outside once again and when he saw the look on Hayley's face he was sure that the session went just like the others.

''How was it?'' he asked as usual when she stepped outside.

''It was fine,'' she spoke, stunning him with her answer.

Dr. Rafferty nodded in return as if to confirm to Blake that the session did indeed go better than the others, and her friend finally felt that spark of hope inside himself again. However Hayley felt differently when seeing the doctor and Blake's relieved expressions. To her it was almost like they enjoyed having her feel the pain of reliving what happened.

Steve had been having another restless night and wondered why he even bothered trying to sleep before grabbing a bag and heading out the door. Every time he tried to close his eyes and fall asleep he would hear the echoing sounds of guns and explosives, he could feel the ice enveloping his body and dragging him under. Then his eyes would fly open and he would find himself trembling. It was just no use.

When he made his way to the gym and set up his area to work out, his mind was at it again. Every time his fist hit the bag it would sound like a bomb had gone off, the noise echoed through the room and just made him hit harder, his memories taking him back to the war.

Hayley had woken up after an hour of sleep to find her hands had ripped the corner of her sheet to shreds. Her bottom lip felt swollen and bloody before she realized she had been biting down on it hard during her less than peaceful slumber. Throwing her legs off the side of the bed, she rested her arms on her legs before running her hands over her face. Sadly, that was the longest she had managed to sleep without the interruption of a nightmare. She either had extremely vivid horrors or she woke up in the aftermath of one, there was never a good night.

Following her usual routine, Hayley tied her hair up into a ponytail and changed into her black gym clothes before walking out the door wishing that Blake might have at least left her a bottle of whiskey to calm her down whenever she woke up.

The gym was only ever used by Hayley, she had never considered another person coming here or even wanting to step foot inside the place. It looked like it was about to fall down from the outside, but inside it was exactly what she wanted. Quiet, spacious and full of equipment. But tonight it also contained Captain America.

Steve didn't notice the footsteps at first, but when he moved his head up to take a breath from his punches, he saw a figure standing over by the door at the side. He hoped he wasn't intruding since it seemed like she came here often, but when she threw her bag down next to the bag not too far from his own, he figured it was okay. Hayley gave him a light smile when their gaze met and Steve noticed the dark circles under her eyes once again.

''Can't sleep?'' he asked, seeing that it was 11.45 pm.

''Sleep for me is a lost cause,'' she shrugged, kneeling down to unzip her bag.

''I hope I'm not intruding on this place, I thought it was public gym,''

''No it's fine. It is a public gym but it closed down at the start of the year, I've been the only one coming here,''

Hayley figured if anyone else was going to start using this place it might as well be Captain America. She assumed he had similar troubles with sleeping since he was here at the late hours like she was and after waking up from the ice 70 years later, there was bound to be some side effects.

''I can go to another if-''

''Seriously, it's fine,'' Hayley looked up at him. ''I don't own this place,''

Steve smiled in appreciation.

''Well, thank you. It's a lot quieter than the one at SHIELD, a lot simpler too,''

''You've been?''

''Once, didn't like to too much. It's a little hard to ignore every agent staring when I walk in,'' Steve explained. ''You don't like using their training rooms?''

Hayley scoffed, shaking her head as she stood up and finished wrapping her hands.

''I'm prohibited at the moment,''

Steve looked over to her, puzzled.

''You're not allowed to train?''

''Rafferty's orders,'' Hayley rolled her eyes. ''This place is more to my liking anyway,''

As he watched he pull the punching bag toward her, straightening and steadying it, Steve wondered why a psychologist had banned her from being able to train. She was apart of SHIELD, training was necessary for all areas. Hayley didn't say anymore about it though, she just began punching the bag and ignoring his gaze. She wondered if Steve would understand her situation. Being told what to feel and how to deal with things seemed like a situation Steve would had been in himself after waking up at SHIELD with no knowledge of the present times.

Steve watched the woman hit against the bag with force again and again without pausing, her heavy breathing echoing through the room. He soon realized that their brief conversation was the longest they were going to have that night and went back to his work out. They both continued for a couple of hours in silence, working off the anxiety and nerves that were keeping them awake, but they both knew their nightmares wouldn't leave them alone.

One of the many things that Steve had learnt about 21st century was that information was much, much easier to get your hands on. Everyone's personal information could be easily accessed from the internet or files that have been stored in databases. However Steve hadn't advanced to using the internet very well just yet due to lack of interest. He knew there were millions of things he had missed in his 67 year hiatus from life, but there was more important things he wanted to check up on.

The lives of his loved ones was the most pressing. He was aware that almost everyone he remembered from the 40's would have passed away already, but SHIELD had provided him with many files on everyone he wanted to know about. The howling commandos and how they continued after Captain America went missing, how the war ended and the life of his past love, Peggy Carter.

Steve already knew that Peggy was in a nursing home suffering illnesses. He wasn't ready to go see her yet though, he didn't know if he could do that to her after all this time. But he did want to know that she got to have a happy life, one that she deserved. When he woke up there were so many things he wished he hadn't missed, but the most important one of them all was the fact that he didn't get to give that life to Peggy. They never got their chance to grow old together and have a good life.

Neither did Bucky. His best friend's death still haunted him every day when he thought about it. Steve could still feel the cold air on his skin as he remembered watching Bucky fall and he was sure he would never get over the memory.

He was also sure he would have been better off never being found in that ice. He would never get used to this world, there was so much he didn't understand and so much he wished he hadn't missed. Maybe waking up was the biggest regret of his life.

Blake waited anxiously outside of Dr. Rafferty's office, waiting for Hayley to come out and hopefully be a lot calmer than he knew she would be. Today she was going to get her answer as to whether she would able to begin her transition back into light field duties or not and Blake had a strong feeling he already knew the answer. She hadn't been going to therapy long enough, she hadn't been opening enough, she had only just started to put some effort in. Blake knew she wasn't ready, but Hayley was a stubborn and persistent woman.

Dr. Rafferty saw the anticipation in Hayley's eyes when he glanced between her and the file in his hands. He knew how important it was for her to get back onto the field and how much she had been obsessing over it, but he knew all the signs when he saw them and Hayley O'Connor was not ready to return to any kind of war. It was when he began to flicker his eyes between the woman in the seat before him and the file in his hands that Hayley knew his answer.

''You're not going to approve that form are you?''

''I'm afraid I can't,'' he shook his head sadly. ''My job is to protect my patients and if I approve you I wouldn't be doing that,''

''I don't see a reason why I can't go back right now,'' Hayley argued. ''I've been off the field for almost five months, I'm ready to go back,''

''Hayley, after our previous sessions and my own analysis on your condition, I've concluded that you're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,'' he announced.

Hayley stared at the man for a few moments to make sure she had heard him right before she began shaking her head in denial. There was no way she could be diagnosed with PTSD, Coulson wouldn't let her anywhere near the field if that was the case. Her chances of returning to operations in the near future would be shattered.

''I know I haven't shared as much as I'm supposed to in this sessions, but I can't have PTSD,'' she told him firmly. ''Do you know what this will do to my chances of going back? SHIELD doesn't even consider soldiers with PTSD going back,''

''No they don't, not before they go through the appropriate channels to get help and overcome their problems,''

''I deal with my problems on my own doctor, always have and always will,''

''Well maybe it's time to change that,'' he suggested.

Hayley continued to shake her head, unable to even consider leaving his office without changing his decision to diagnose her. She knew that she had things she had to work through, that much was obvious, but she wasn't going to do it SHIELD's way. All she wanted was to get back into the field so she could get her mind off everything and do what she had been doing for years now.

''You can't diagnose me with PTSD,'' she told him, intent on her denial.

''Both of your hands have been balled into fists since we began talking,'' Dr. Rafferty pointed out.

Hayley looked down and saw that he was right. Both of her hands were balled tightly into fists and her knuckles were white from pressure.

''One of the many side effects of PTSD and you don't even realize you're doing it. You can't talk about the day your brother was killed because you physically can't respond to my questions. The memory haunts you and if you go back into the field right now, your disorder will consume you and I can't risk that happening. I'm sorry Hayley, but you're not going back, not yet anyway,''

Biting down on her lip so hard she began to taste blood, Hayley stood up and took off straight for the door. She knew her reaction was rather childish, but she didn't care. Being diagnosed with PTSD was going to ruin all her chances and she couldn't help feeling like an absolute failure.

Blake was outside resting on one of the chairs outside when he jolted in surprise as Hayley burst out of the room. She knew he was waiting there for her, but she didn't even bother turning to him as she took off down the hall. Blake stood up, ready to chase after her before he decided to let her go. He knew she wasn't going to be let back into the field, but what he was more worried about was what she was going to do after finding out.

''Doctor?'' he turned to the man walking out the door. ''I assume you didn't approve her,''

''No, I didn't,'' Dr. Rafferty shook his head. ''I've given her my diagnosis,''

Hayley wasn't just throwing punches at the bag when Blake turned up at the old gym looking for her. She was kicking it with force, taking every bit of her anger out of the brown bag and groaning in pain every time her wrist made contact with it. At first he didn't think she saw him, but he was soon proved wrong.

''Not a good idea to annoy me right now Blake,'' Hayley told him, taking a brief pause to glare over at him.

''Hey I'm not your enemy here O'Connor,'' he raised his hands in surrender. ''I just came to see if you're alright,''

''Why bother? No one believes me when I say I'm okay anyway,''

''Because people actually care about you and can see that you're not,'' he explained with a sigh. ''Let's go to the diner and talk, I'll pay,''

Hayley shook her head and threw another punch.

''I don't want to talk, just go,''

Steve could hear voices as he walked closer to the side door of the gym, wondering else if any other people were also using the abandoned area now. When he got to the door, he could definitely hear one of the voices belonged to Hayley and the other to a man. As he peaked around the corner slightly, he saw that it was Agent Blake. The two of them were in the middle of what seemed to be an intense argument and Steve didn't feel right walking in and disturbing. He also didn't feel right just standing there and listening either, but he couldn't pull himself away once they began arguing about the therapy sessions with Dr. Rafferty.

''He's wrong, he's diagnosed me wrong and now there's no way Coulson will let me back. I've done everything right, I showed up to those pointless sessions and I'm living under SHIELD's damn microscope, what more do you want?'' Hayley yelled at her friend.

''I want you to get better! This wasn't about having you show up somewhere and get your name marked off the list and then approved to go back into operations, this was about getting you better Hayley. You've got post-traumatic stress disorder, it's there and it's done now, you just have to be ready to get through it,'' he explained. ''I'll help you in anyway that I can but you have to try as well, okay?''

''I'm fine Blake, that's what's frustrating me! I know myself better than anyone and I know that I'm-''

''If you say you're okay one more time,'' Blake threw his hands up in frustration.

''I need to get back into the field Blake, that's where I can cope,''

''No it's not. I'm an Agent, okay? I was at SHIELD on missions with operations while you were in the military, I saw people with PTSD and they were just like you; in denial of the whole thing. If you go back into the field it'll break you and I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You can't keep pushing away the subject of Nick's death, you have to deal with it,''

''I'm not pushing it away, I've dealt with it already,'' she argued again. ''You want me to get into detail about it everyday? Will that help me? I'm sorry I can't get the sound of the bullet piercing through him out of my head or wipe the feeling of my brother's blood off my fingers and arms. I'm sorry I can't get over it the way you all want me to,''

Steve knew he should have left. This was a personal conversation, he couldn't be here. He had never heard Hayley so angry or upset before, in fact he hadn't heard much of the woman at all. He hadn't realized what she was dealing with, what those dark circles under her eyes actually meant, why she couldn't sleep, the fact that she'd been in a war and witnessed her brother's death.

But he wasn't supposed to know, he wasn't supposed to be standing there listening.

''No one's asking you to get over him Hayley,'' Blake spoke again gently. ''You're not supposed to get over it. But you're not sleeping, you're not talking to anyone, you're not dealing with it,''

Hayley was quiet for a moment.

''I can't talk to SHIELD,''

''Well you can't do it on your own,''

A few moments passed before Steve heard the punching bag being hit once again and he knew he had to leave. He could go a night without his work out, he could leave the two of them there to sort out their argument and Hayley deserved her privacy.

Steve walked back down the street feeling guilty for having listened in to what was going on, but he couldn't help feeling sorry for the woman. He knew what it was like to be haunted by those sort of memories, of losing someone and seeing it all unfold before your eyes and not being able to do a thing about it.

It all became more apparent to him that even though his trauma began almost 70 years ago, they were still the same horrors that haunted those in the present day. Everyone had their own battle to fight and some chose to fight on their own.

*Car Radio - twenty one pilots