Chapter 2 - Point of No Return

Robert Goren felt every eye follow his progress as he walked stride for stride with Captain Ross through the squad room of Major Case. Some of those eyes met his – he saw anger and disgust in some. He saw surprise and curiosity in others. The one thing he didn't see in anyone's eyes was understanding. He doubted he ever would.

Undercover was one of the highest risk situations anyone could ever find himself or herself. Understanding that, many officers and detectives did so willingly, others only when pushed to the wall. He was up against that wall. Five months' suspension, with no end in sight, had led him to believe that taking the chance was his only way back in. He had known going in, that success would make it difficult for the Chief of D's to keep him out, to keep his shield, while failure was likely to get him killed, which would relieve the Chief of a persistent thorn. He now found himself in the unique situation of having both succeeded and failed. He had succeeded in helping the department make an arrest that would clear several cases relating to the Testarossa drug ring, including the murder of two tourists. It had also led to the discovery of police involvement in the drug business with Testarossa.

Officer Mike Stoat, suspended Narcotics detective had reached out to Goren in the midst of his own suspension. Bobby had reached back to the department and contacted Ross. Ross made the necessary calls, decisions were made and a play it by ear plan had been decided and Ross had come back offering him his way back in. Bobby had hoped the information would be enough, but the Chief of D's had wanted his pound of flesh as well. Goren was going to have to handle it, without cover, without support other than Ross as a contact and go-between. Of course, he had a choice. He didn't have to accept, but not accepting would have prolonged his suspension.

"Detective, why don't you wait for me in my office." Ross had phrased as a question, but it was far from a request. The pair paused as Ross reached for a message being handed to him from a uniformed staff support officer. Eames remained with the Captain.

Goren nodded and continued into the Captain's office, leaving the door open behind him. As he sat, he heaved a huge sigh. Out of pent up anxiety he was flexing his hands, opening and closing his fists, as activity resumed in the bull pen.

On their walk through the floor, Bobby had hoped to see Eames and Jamison. He saw neither. He knew their anger was a product of conflicting emotions and experiences, some of which he was responsible for, some he was not. He'd take the responsibility for what he could, he knew it was the greater portion, but he still felt he had no choice. If they didn't see that or understand that, then what they'd said was true – they didn't know him. They'd cast him in a role and given him qualities he didn't possess. That was not his choosing, not his doing and not his fault. He knew he had plenty of responsibility to shoulder, but he was dumbfounded and unprepared for the situation he found himself in with both Eames and Jamison.

They had both been there through his unraveling world - the suspension, Frank and Donny, his mother, Mark Ford Brady. But when he'd availed himself of the only course he could see, it had driven a wedge between he and Eames, between he and Jamison that might just prove to be the tipping point. The point of no return.

Eames' rant continued to spin through her head. Her anger was profound. Her rage was increasing exponentially with each punch, as she connected blow after blow to the weight bag. She thought the exertion would burn through the jolt of adrenaline that had been racing through her bloodstream since Daniels and she had burst into the room where she found herself face-to-face and gun-to-gun with Bobby, with her partner. The shock and disbelief was immeasurable. She'd never felt an out of body experience until then.

Moments after Daniels and the rest of the team burst through the door, Bobby had let the gun go loose in his hand, held only by his finger still within the trigger guard, before dropping it completely and raising and waiving his hands in a gesture that was both familiar and completely alien to her. The context was wrong, so very wrong. It was his signal, time and again, that their verbal sparring was over, he'd give in. To see that same gesture through the site of her gun stopped her in her tracks. She couldn't look at him as Daniels grabbed Bobby's gun hand and slapped a cuff it and pulled the arm around his back and brought the other back to join it in the cuffs. She flinched as she heard the cuff click closed.

Then to go with Ross down to lock up and discover the truth, that Bobby had been working undercover, with the hope of getting his shield back had unleashed every pent up frustration with the blue line she'd ever encountered. She admitted to herself the rage wasn't entirely about Bobby. She'd spent years tamping down the anger of each little slight, each dismissive gesture by every man, everyone in the 'boys club' she'd ever worked with, or come across. Whether intentional or not, the anger didn't discriminate, it merely catalogued the offense. It all came boiling up, explosively. For the first time in years, she didn't censor herself.

Later after her outburst, Goren had tried to engage her, but she shut him down. She looked at him and his obvious joy at being back – having his shield and his gun - was more than she could bear. Her tumultuous thoughts and feelings left no room for his and she had walked away. Leaving him to his fate.

He'd made it clear that he was on his own road and that he was willing to walk it alone if need be. She wasn't sure, but maybe it was time for her to do the same.

She continued to pound on the weight bag, getting no relief, reaching no level of peace with this, no resolution to her inner turmoil. Finally stopping when she could no longer hold her arms up or throw another punch, she grabbed the bag and clung to it, fiercely. Breathing heavy, she wondered if there was a way back to trust and partnership. She was at her tipping point, she had reached her point of no return.

As soon as 'the word' reached the eleventh floor that Ross was coming upstairs with Goren, Blake Jamison told her partner that she would go down to Records to see about getting any police records pulled for any names that also appeared on the list they'd received from the deputy mayor. Ritchie had opened his mouth to speak, but closed it and merely nodded. Before she even made it to the elevator, 'the word' had morphed into that Goren had been working undercover, for the Chief of D's no less.

As she ran to the elevators to get off the floor before the two men came upstairs, the doors of one of the cars were opening and she heard Ross' voice. She ducked into the stairway and saw them walk past her hiding spot. She smoothed out her clothing and stepped out to wait for the elevator to return. She couldn't help herself and she walked back down the hall to see their progress into the squad room. She might have imagined it, but thought she saw Goren turn his glance into the direction of her desk.

She sat while she waited for the file clerk to pull the records. The moment she received Eames first message, she'd run through a gamut of emotions and thoughts, none of them coherent enough for her to articulate, even though it hadn't stopped her from tearing into Bobby down in the holding cells. She knew it was a mixture of anger and fear for him, anger at him. He had to know this would play right into her insecurities and would reinforce her decision to keep most people at a distance. If he had considered her at all, he wouldn't have done things this way. And if she hadn't been a factor in his decision to do this, then what was she doing with him at all.

She'd phoned upstairs to Ritchie. "I'm going home. I'll have someone bring the reports upstairs and… and I'll go through them in the morning."

"Let me come…"

"No, it'll be fine. I swear. I'll be back in the morning. 100 percent and ready to go."

"Look, he's…"

"I gotta go." She didn't want to hear anything about 'he' right now. She threw the phone into her bag. After speaking with one of the other clerks to make sure the reports made it upstairs, she left. She got her car, pulled into traffic and drove and drove and drove. The task of driving caused her to focus and kept her from spiraling into a dark hole of doubt.

Captain Danny Ross sat in his office, surveying the domain of Major Case from his desk. He saw more from this vantage than anyone would assume or guess. On a day like today when tensions and unease were high, it helped him to step back and observe his team. Today he had watched several out on the floor.

Ross had learned long ago about Eames stoicism in the midst of white-hot rage, now today, after learning of Bobby's secret, he couldn't imagine the intensity of that rage focused on him. Ross knew he deserved a share of that rage, he had readily agreed to the Chief's demand that no one know. Ross had done his best to steer Daniels and Eames along a parallel course with their investigation, hoping they would discover Goren's involvement on their own. It's true they did, but not the way he'd hoped. So, the lion's share of Eames' rage was destined to fall onto Goren's shoulders. If for no other reason than that, Goren had his empathy.

He'd yet to see, Detective Jamison. That situation was personal; one that Ross didn't feel needed his involvement. Unless it became a distraction or affected their work, he felt confident that it would resolve itself outside the confines of this office, the relationship had never proven to be a distraction to either detective, so he felt safe in assuming this situation would be handled as discreetly. He'd heard about her visit to lock up and 'conversation' with Goren. He couldn't image that had been a pleasant reunion. Maybe discreetly was a relative term. He would continue to watch.

He watched as Goren tried to engage Eames in conversation at the end of the shift. She didn't give him a chance. Goren looked as if he might get up and follow her, but as he opened his desk drawer, he froze and then looked around before quickly closing the drawer. Ross had the feeling he'd missed something and not for the first time.

He watched as Goren stood and looked around the room again. This time that look was missing the obvious elation that had radiated from him a couple of hours ago, this one was laced with suspicion.

As perplexing as it was for him to admit, he needed Goren back almost as much as Goren needed to be back. The dynamics within the squad had been 'off' ever since Goren's suspension. Ross wanted that balance returned. If that meant Goren, then Goren it would be. Decisions were not final, nothing was set in stone; nothing had reached the point of no return.

When Bobby saw the rat in his desk drawer, his worst fear had crystallized. He'd been labeled many times in his career, but never this, never a R-A-T. He ratted out a cop, a suspended cop, complicit in the deaths of two tourists by way of his protecting and enforcing for a drug dealer. He'd tried to give Stoat a way out, to get out before it was too late. Stoat wasn't buying in, the money, the drugs proved to be too much temptation. So he'd shaken hands with Stoat, 'partnering' with him – they both knew what that entailed, what that meant. Before that, before any partnership, he'd sworn to uphold the law. He felt he'd done that. Even though he felt right with what he'd done, it didn't mean he felt right with the results. How could he? Eames… Jamison… even Stoat and the unknown rat handler… had all been affected, had all been changed forever because of what he'd done.

Driving home, he stopped and bought Chinese take out. He also purchased several bottles of Kirin Beer to drink with his meal. Trudging down the hall to his apartment, he realized it felt very strange and unfamiliar here. He'd only been gone a couple of days, nothing looked outwardly different. But the feel was way off.

Slipping the key into the lock, he opened the door and closed it by leaning back against it. Head back and eyes closed, he tried to shake off not only the events of the day, but of the last week. That was going to take more time than tonight. With another forceful exhalation he forced himself off the door and down the small entryway.

He made his way into the kitchen in the dark, dropped the bag of food onto the counter, and tossed the beers up in the freezer to get a good chill on them. He reached forward to flip on the light when a light from the living room blazed on.

Biting her lower lip, she came forward to lean against the doorjamb leading into the kitchen. "We should talk…"

Bobby stood, mutely staring at her. "You… you want a beer? I got some to go with the take out."

"Sure. A beer… would be good. What's your take out? Chinese, I know, but…"

Reaching for the freezer door he "Kung Pao Chicken, Kung Pao Shrimp, lo mein…"

"Shrimp? You don't like shrimp. I do."

"Force of habit. I wasn't thinking any… I wasn't thinking…" Bobby trailed off as he saw her nodding her head, and handed her a beer.

"I wasn't thinking you were thinking anything or thought anything…if you get the drift of my thinking…" she smiled hesitantly as she shrugged her shoulders.

Twisting off the cap, she took a nervous sip from the bottle. She reached past him for the bag of food and accidentally brushed his arm. Both jerked back as if scalded.

Bobby sighed and reached for the plates. "So… what did you want to talk about… Blake?"

"Blake? You never call me Blake… well you hardly ever call me Blake." Only when we're in bed.

"Things change." Bobby said as he shrugged.

She nodded as she took the plate he offered. "I agree… things… they do change. I guess that's what I want to talk about." She looked up from where her hands tightly gripped the plate and saw him watching her. "What and how things have changed… now… and what hasn't… changed. It's not like we've passed the point of no return…"

Bobby looked at her and watched her closely as he scanned her face, looking for any sign, any hint… "No, I guess we haven't passed the point of no return."