Author's Note: Thanks so much for the warm reception. Here's the next one :)
Her journey to her appointment is less strenuous this time. Her mother seems to be in better spirits, happy that she's going and taking this seriously. The woman still has this incessant need to fill any sort of potential quiet with sound, uncomfortable in the silence that Delphine has created for herself and retreated into. As she rambles on about everything and nothing, Delphine even manages to muster a few responses and her mother's eyes light up. Even the elevator ride had gone far more smoothly; she was granted the solitude she was denied the week prior and rode to her destination in quiet, satisfying contemplation. Denise had been waiting for her at the desk, yet again, smile just as genuine as it had been before and she had taken a seat, waiting for Doctor Leekie to become available.
She smiles down at her feet as she shifts in her chair.
The chair.
The one the girl from last week had told her was more comfortable than the others. She was right, too. The seat was more tolerable, though only marginally. Even still, Delphine's back and bottom are grateful for the girl's advice.
She found herself thinking about that girl quite often over the course of the week. There wasn't a lot for her to do holed up in her room like a recluse. She was never big on film or television as she preferred books and conversation and even though her parents took turns staying home with her, conversation with them was out of the question.
Her father was like a monument to the fallen that she'd seen back home in France; stone-cut and austere, but for all of his aesthetic appeal to any casual onlooker, to her he always seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. He was incapable of carrying out even the lightest of conversations and it wasn't that he disliked people, rather he projected his own insecurities onto them and in turn, made himself feel even more out of place. She thinks that maybe she possesses some of this, as well, but for all of her awkwardness, she still enjoys company and conversation, or at least she did before she found herself in this mess. Her father would come to check on her every couple of hours but aside from that, he never attempted to force a conversation and she was grateful for that.
Her mother was the complete opposite; she was definitely a people person, always chattering on and trying to please everybody in the room. When it was her turn to watch Delphine, it took everything the blonde had not to lose her patience with the woman who would come to check on her every twenty minutes, trying to make conversation about something as mundane as how she was going to try a new recipe for dinner. She had always been close with her mother but in her newfound situation, she finds herself unable to engage with or even excuse the frivolity.
This left her alone with her books more often than not. She had managed to stay up-to-date on her readings for school, as well as tackle some of her own. This still left her with plenty of free time, however, and in those moments, her mind always wandered back to the girl. Back to her noisy hands and dancing mouth (or was it the other way around?), to the way she so easily flowed through a room without having to take a deep breath or close her eyes and picture herself somewhere else. She didn't seem like the kind of person who'd need Doctor Leekie's expertise, but then she never would have imagined herself in this situation, either.
The door to Doctor Leekie's office bursts open and, just like before, in a fury of smiles and loudness and laughter, the girl goes waltzing over to speak with Denise and confirm her next appointment. Delphine immediately straightens up in her seat and pretends to be unaffected by her presence, but she she's always been a poor liar and she would definitely be lying if she didn't admit that she had spent the week harboring a cautious optimism that she'd get a chance to see her again. Once the girl has concluded her business with Denise, she finds her iPod in her bag and slips her headphones on. She heads for the elevators and Delphine wonders if she should speak up and say something to get her attention, to make her presence known, but when the brunette blows right by her, she slumps down in her chair and tries to hide her frown, head drooping towards the ground.
"He-ey!"
She immediately looks up and the girl is standing in front of her, pulling her headphones down until they hang loosely around her neck. Delphine sits up straighter and meets her acquaintance's smile with a small one of her own.
"I missed you there for a second," she exclaims. "I see you took my advice about the chair, though. Good call."
Delphine nods, her smile still outstretched.
"Well, glad I could help."
She can tell that the girl is ready leave again and she's been looking forward to seeing her all week, she doesn't want to squander the chance that she's been given at learning something more about her. It shouldn't be so hard to think of a conversation starter, but her mind goes blank and her palms go sweaty as her opportunity passes her by. The brunette turns to leave again and as she takes her first step in the direction of the elevators, Delphine finds her voice.
"You..."
The girl stops, turning around and staring expectantly at Delphine, giving the blonde her full attention
"Y-You're seeing Doctor Leekie, as well?"
It's all she can think to say. Hell, it's the only thing she really knows about this girl, the only thing they have in common. Her mother had always told her that the easiest way to talk to someone new was to figure out what you have in common with them and start from there. Her advice was somewhat helpful when she had first moved to this country and she thinks that maybe it will help now, too.
"Yep. Every Tuesday at four."
"Oh. I come Tuesdays at five," Delphine replies.
"That's cool," her spectacled new friend proclaims with a nod. "Well, not really. Nobody actually wants to come to this place, but what can we do? Thems are the breaks, huh?"
She talks strangely and even though Delphine has been speaking English fluently for the last four years since she moved across the Atlantic, she doesn't recognize the girl's apparent slang.
"I-I suppose," she stammers, not wanting to appear ignorant or foolish.
The girl smiles.
"I guess I'll see you next week, then."
Delphine smiles back.
"Oui."
It's a good encounter, she thinks. The girl finally makes her exit and Delphine sits tall with a confidence she hasn't felt in a very long time. It might seem stupid to be so thrilled about such a lackluster conversation, but she's able to recognize just how pivotal it is. As she sits in her smugness, Leekie's door opens again and he's there, calling out for her to join him. She takes a seat in the chair across from him (this one far more comfortable than the ones inhabiting the waiting room) and waits for him to speak.
"How has your week been?" he asks her.
"Fine," she says with a few nods for emphasis. "It's been fine."
He continues to watch her, waiting for her to elaborate on her fine week.
"I've been... keeping busy," she explains.
"Is that right?"
"Yes. I've been reading a lot."
"That's good," he says with a smile and a nod. "What have you been reading?"
"Mostly books for school. I don't want to fall too far behind."
He laughs.
"That's understandable."
She smiles, fidgeting with her hands. She thinks about that girl's hands, how they seem to move almost independent of her body. Staring down at her own, she suddenly realizes that she didn't even bother getting her name and her previous confidence is replaced by a sinking feeling in her chest. How could she have been so stupid? Exchanging names was the first thing she should have done but she had sat there, asking her about her appointment schedule when she should have been asking for her name.
"I don't want you to worry about school though, Delphine. You need to focus on yourself, on getting better."
Doctor Leekie's words pull her attention back to the conversation at hand and she tries to refocus. He needs to see that she's making progress and if she's sitting there, as mentally absent and uncooperative as she'd been last week, there's no way she'll ever convince him to help her get her life back.
"Well, I would feel better if I knew I wasn't jeopardizing my academic future."
"You're not jeopardizing anything, Delphine," he says softly. "School will be there when you're ready to return. So will college. Don't be in a rush to get there before you're ready."
She takes a deep breath.
"I... I think I'm ready."
He watches her knowingly.
"Do you?"
She leans forward in her seat, uncrossing her legs and furrowing her brow.
"I want to go back," she tells him. "I just want to be back in a classroom with my friends."
It's not even her friends that she's desperate to see. She's grown tired of her house and her parents and she thinks that if she's going to get better, she just needs to go back to what she knows. School was always safe, familiar. Even if she doesn't feel like interacting with people right now, if she throws herself back into it, it'll eventually come back to her... won't it?
"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asks her.
She mulls the question in silence for a minute or so.
"I think that... I think I need things to be normal again," she concludes. "I want things to feel like they did before. Maybe then I can move on."
"But things weren't working for you, the way they were before. That's why you're here," he challenges her.
"I know that, but-"
"I know that you're eager to get back into your routine, that you'd much rather forget about what's happened, but you can't and you shouldn't."
She deflates.
"I'm just... I'm tired of it," she confesses.
"Tired of what?"
"Of my parents tiptoeing around me. Of ignoring my friends and their questions and all of my stupid excuses. It isn't making things any easier," she explains, her voice shaking.
"Your parents are scared, Delphine. They don't want to do anything to upset you in case you might-"
"Try to kill myself again?"
She's surprised by her own bluntness, but she's fishing for a reaction and she gets her desired one when he immediately freezes. For a second she feels like she she's won, only then she remembers that they're not playing a game and the reality of her statement starts to sink in.
"Is that what happened?" he asks her calmly.
She stares down at her feet, her hands balling into tight, white fists on her knees and she forbids herself from crying. There's been far too much of it, she thinks she doesn't have the space for it in her life anymore. She'd abandoned her tears like a winter jacket come spring and she's been better off for it.
"You told the doctor at the hospital that it was an accident."
Her eyes glimmer, but never does a tear fall.
"It wasn't an accident," she whispers.
He jots something down in his notepad and she ignores it. He's probably just writing that she's crazy, that she's emotionally unstable and a part of her wants to scream at him, to insist that he's wrong and that it's all a misunderstanding, but then maybe it isn't.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"No."
He smiles.
"Okay."
They stew in silence for several minutes as he waits for her to come out of her shell and engage him again. She's feeling a bout of defiance until she realizes that the longer she tries to maintain an antagonistic relationship, the longer she'll have to keep coming to these appointments.
"I know that you all think I'm a danger to myself, but I'm not," she insists.
"You just admitted that you tried to hurt yourself."
"I did! But that was then! I'm not going to try it again!" she finally bursts.
"How do you know?"
She pauses.
"Because I..."
She doesn't have an answer.
"If you were willing to try it once, why wouldn't you be willing to try it again? Especially if you don't even understand why you did it in the first place?" he asks her. "If you don't know what triggered such a response, how can you ever hope to recognize when it happens again and stop yourself before you do something foolish?"
She slams her fists into her knees.
"That's not it!" she protests.
"There's no need to be upset."
"No, I am upset! You keep saying these things, keep attacking me-"
"I'm not attacking you, Delphine. Nobody is."
For whatever reason, his words resonate with her.
"I'm just trying to voice my concerns and explain my reasoning to you. Is that how you feel? That everybody is attacking you?"
She thinks about her mother, always intruding and questioning. Since her incident, she always saw it as an attack on her agency but maybe it isn't that at all. She thinks about the man in the elevator last week who had tried to make conversation about the weather and how she'd seen his friendliness as imposing. She thinks about the nurse back at the hospital who had sat in her room with her, watching her and trying to keep her company, trying to make her feel less scared, but all she'd seen was a woman trying to invade her space. Thinking about it rationally, she knows that all of these incidences can't be connected, that all of those people couldn't be trying to victimize her.
"No. I-I'm... I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," he tells her. "I understand that you're under a lot of stress, that you're not exactly at one hundred percent right now and that's fine. It's why I'm here. I'm just trying to make sure you understand that, as well. Until you do, I can't recommend that you return to school."
She's frustrated and shrinking but she can't really argue with the man because even though she doesn't want to admit it, she knows he's right.
"I... understand."
She had been doing so well today, too. After seeing the brunette, she was convinced that this was going to be a good session but here she is, making a fool out of herself. She's willing to bet that that girl didn't make a fool out of herself in front of Doctor Leekie.
No.
She seems far too sure of herself, far too at home in her body. She probably has a witty answer for every one of Doctor Leekie's questions and she probably delivers each and every one of them with a grin. She probably never gets flustered or allows herself to stumble over her words.
"I'm not like her," Delphine mumbles, defeated.
"Her?"
When she realizes that she's spoken out loud, she panics. He already thinks she's crazy, she doesn't want him to think that she's hallucinating, too.
"The girl that was in here before me," she clarifies. "I was just thinking about her."
"Oh, Cosima? Yes, she's a lively one," he answers with a chuckle.
Cosima.
The name somehow suits her.
"Is she a friend of yours?" he asks.
"Umm... no. Not really. I spoke to her a couple of times. Well, only once, actually. The first time she spoke to me I kind of just... stared."
He laughs again.
"Yes, she can be a lot to take in at once."
Delphine smiles.
"I was just thinking about how different we are, how I'm not like her at all. She seems... nice. Put together, I suppose. She seems happy."
"You wish you could be like that?" he presses.
She sighs deeply.
"Well, I don't think her parents worry about leaving her alone."
"No, but Cosima's parents worry about other things. So does Cosima."
His words sit with Delphine for a moment. Somehow, she can't imagine that girl ever having a worry in the world, with her flashy smile and funny words. But then, if Cosima didn't have any troubles or worries of her own, then why was she seeing Doctor Leekie every week?
"We all have our anxieties, Delphine. You're not unique in that," he says, as if reading her mind. "Some people are just better at coping with them than others. I'm here to help you do that."
Cope.
She thinks it's a strange word. People don't cope with getting through the day, with ridiculously trivial situations like sharing an elevator with a stranger. People cope with things that are real, things that change them forever and leave them unable to see the same person in the mirror anymore. People cope with loss and grief and death.
What does she really have to "cope" with?