A/N: Ducklings, thank you so much for all your kind reviews. Y'all wanted more so... here's more! And more's to come! Hee hee, I did always love it when Amy and Sheldon did their experiments on the muggles around them... And we all know how that goes. In my language we sometimes say that we're going out to "göra stan osäker" when we're going out, which literally means "make the town unsafe". I'd like to think that's what happens when the Shamy hits the clubs :D
- YlvaB
"First we do the collar, then we do the arms... then we watch in awe as the steamer works its charms" Sheldon hummed to himself as he steamed the button-down shirt he had picked up on the way home from work. He was grateful he always finished early on Fridays: there was no way he would wear a shirt straight from the store. Lord knows what kind of creepy crawlies he'd pick up from pulling such a stunt. He had thrown it into the washing machine as soon as he got home, running a 30-minute program before tossing it into the dryer. Now, the comforting smell of fabric softener wafted up into his nostrils as he smoothed out the wrinkles, which in itself was a sensual experience for a person with his obsessive compulsive mind. "Ahh" he moaned as the last one of the wrinkles disappeared into oblivion, the shirt now smooth and flawless. So pleasing. Sooo, so pleasing.
He had just turned off the steamer when someone, presumably Amy, knocked on the door.
"Coming!" he called out, making his way across the living room to let his girlfriend in.
As he opened the door he expected to see Amy Farrah Fowler. To his surprise, all he could see was bags. Pink bags, black bags, blue bags… shopping bags.
"Amy?" he asked, unsure if she was in that pile or not.
"Sheldon, could you please take these?" Amy's muffled voice asked from beneath the bags.
Before he could protest she had pushed the shopping bags into his arms, almost causing him to tip over from the weight. He stumbled over to the couch, dumping his cargo on one of the armchairs next to it.
"What in fresh hell is all of this?" Sheldon questioned, motioning with his hand over the pile.
"Camouflage" Amy replied as she dumped her purse on his work desk, making a bee line for the fridge to get a bottle of water.
"Camouflage?" he repeated, a look of disbelief grazing his features. "I thought you and I were the only ones in on this experiment, and now you're telling me the whole hunting party is coming?"
"No, this is just for me" Amy replied, leaning against the armchair as she took another sip of her water.
Sheldon's eyes threatened to pop out of their cavities. All for her? What exactly did she have planned for them? Suddenly he felt insecure. Maybe this experiment wasn't such a good idea after all.
Amy saw the look on his face, knowing what he was thinking.
"I went to Forever21 because Penny shops there and we both know she's an expert in these matters" she explained, trying to fill him in on the events of this afternoon. "I asked one of the girls who worked there if she could help me find something suitable for a night of clubbing and all of a sudden I had five girls pulling me in different directions and… I can't remember much after that. It's a little blurry to be honest" she told him, her voice drifting off. She'd been dragged into a changing booth, while blonde goddesses showered her with leopard patterned brassieres and sequined dresses and something called 'spanx', all while pulling at her straightened hair and her dark rimmed glasses. It had been positively thrilling!
"Huh. That's odd. I did the same thing this afternoon and all I got was a shirt and a pair of Wranglers" Sheldon let out confusedly, wondering if there was something he was missing here. Should he have done something differently?
"That might have something to do with the different expectations on male and female outward appearance, and the much larger market for female couture" Amy mused, rummaging through her bags as she spoke. She didn't even know what half of these items were, much less how she was supposed to use them to disguise herself as a (in the words of Sheldon Cooper) "party girl".
"I suppose you're right" Sheldon nodded, glancing over at his button-down shirt.
"I should probably go get dressed now. Would it be alright with you if you changed in Leonard's room?" he continued, watching his girlfriend as she held out a curling iron, curiously twisting and turning it as if trying to work out the mechanics.
"Of course. I'll meet you here as soon as I'm done" Amy agreed, gathering up bags and making her way down the hall to Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon heard her shut the door behind her, trying not to think of the fact that she'd be undressing in there. Early in their relationship these thoughts had made him extremely uncomfortable, and now… Well, now they still made him uncomfortable but they also excited him. Which in turn also made him uncomfortable. He had a strange feeling of walking around in circles.
He took the shirt from the hanger, setting a course for his own bedroom. The man at the shop had told him he was a 'slim fit', whatever that meant, handing him a pair of denim jeans and the aforementioned black shirt.
Sheldon had tried to tuck it into his jeans but the young man had assured him it was meant to be worn hanging on the outside. "What am I, a flower child?" Sheldon had scoffed, looking at the guy as if he were insane. "No, I tell you dude, you look great. All tall and thin. The chicks are gonna love it" the young man insisted, tugging at the hems of his shirt to show him how it was worn, rolling up his sleeves over his elbows.
As he opened the closet door to look himself in the mirror he hardly recognized the man looking back at him. He smiled smugly, feeling strangely satisfied.
"Well don't you look fierce?" he told his reflection, admiring how the Wranglers hugged his narrow hips. He couldn't resist doing a little twirl, noticing how shapely his posterior was and feeling certain that this experiment was going down, no doubt.
He picked down his black dress shoes from the top shelf, lacing them up before he stepped out of the room, stopping dead in his tracks as he heard Amy cry out from inside Leonard's bedroom.
"Son of a BITCH! OUUWWW!"
"Amy?" Sheldon called out anxiously, rubbing his hands together. Oh dear.
"Are you alright?" he asked, overwhelmed with catastrophic mental images. Had a burglar broken into their home through Leonard's bedroom window? Was Amy injured? Where was his light saber? Oh, oh dear. Help.
"I'm fine" Amy's strained voice told him, sounding as if she had just been tortured. "One of my contacts got stuck behind my eyelid, that's all. Ouww" she continued, her words muffled by the bedroom door.
Sheldon gagged at that image, closing his eyes for a second to try to focus on something else.
"Alright. Umm… You keep doing that and I'll… go do research" he called back, shooting off into the living room before she could do something dangerous, like ask him to help her. Yikes.
He sat down at his desk, deciding to Google suitable establishments in which to conduct their experiment. He tried 'mating ground' but all he got was nature movies produced by the National Geographic channel, narrated by David Attenborough. Interesting, but that wouldn't do. He decided to try 'night clubs Pasadena', instantly getting multiple hits. This was more like it.
"Let's see… Lounge 54" Sheldon mumbled, looking through pictures of intoxicated party goers posing for the camera, eyes reddened and hands all over the place. There were pictures of people kissing on the dance floor, pink, green, and blue light casting its laser-y rays over the flock of Homo Sapiens making a fool of themselves. Perfect.
He could hear the clickety sound of high heels behind him, knowing Amy must have finished getting dressed.
"I've found just the place Amy, look at this" he began excitedly, turning around only to have the wind knocked out of him. What in the…?
"Well... how do I look?" Amy asked shyly, twirling around nervously. Sheldon didn't know what to say. Her black, shimmering dress, those impossibly high heels… All that skin. And her glasses… She didn't look like herself without her glasses.
"You'll… blend right in" Sheldon gulped, feeling the need to turn away from her for a second.
"I'll need to do my make-up and fix my hair… I'm just not very good at these things" Amy mumbled, tucking one of her loose tresses behind her ear. He really did look great in those jeans and that black shirt. This was all starting to get out of hand.
Sheldon got out of the chair, motioning for her to sit down. She eyed him curiously but did as she was told.
"Where is your make-up bag?" he asked, looking around the room.
"In the pink bag at the top of the pile" Amy replied confusedly, pointing at the arm chair. Sheldon made his way over to pick it up, standing in front of her as if expecting her to know what he wanted her to do. When she just continued staring at him he rolled his eyes, thinking that it was strange that for once she was the one who was clueless.
"Pull your hair back. I'll get another chair, and then I'll help you with your hair and make-up" he instructed, handing her the make-up bag and sauntering over to Leonard's desk to get his chair.
"Y-you know how to do make-up?" Amy stuttered as he sat down in front of her, thinking she must have entered some sort of alternate universe when she stepped in through the door to his apartment.
Sheldon shrugged, picking out sponges, foundation, and brushes from the pink leather bag.
"We do make-up for comic-con all the time. Also my sister Missy made me her personal slave throughout my childhood. I've done everything from perms to spray-tans" he confided, splashing a dab of liquid foundation at the back of his hand, dipping one of the make-up sponges into it, softly applying it to her nose, forehead, and cheekbones. She couldn't help but notice how good he smelled as he leaned over her.
"Poor thing" Amy sympathized, secretly jealous of him for having brothers and sisters. She herself had been an only child.
"She could be very persuasive" Sheldon stated, using one of the brushes to outline her green eyes.
"You should plug in your curling iron" he added, swallowing deeply as he tried not to get lost in those precious stones. He almost wished she would take those contacts out and put her glasses back on. He had enough trouble trying not to glance down her cleavage.
"What? Oh, right…" Amy let out, turning away from him for a second to do as he said.
"So…" Sheldon said as she returned, continuing to dapple make-up onto her eye-lids and cheekbones, "how do you suggest we proceed? What is our method of choice?"
Glad to speak about the work she had been doing after their date the night before, Amy began sharing her master plan with her boyfriend.
"We would have to ask people about their dating habits as well as their tendency to follow up the courting ritual with actual intercourse. I have designed a series of questions that you and I will ask to party goers tonight" she babbled happily, feeling herself get excited again.
"And how do you propose we do that? Should we ask people at random or do you want to be more specific?" Sheldon asked as he finished applying eyeliner and eye shadow, motioning for her to tilt her head so he could coat her eyelashes with mascara.
"Well as I said last night: we will have to cancel subjects who are prone to promiscuity in general. We also wouldn't be able to get any valid results from studying subjects who don't adhere to cultural norms. If they never care how they behave there's no point. In plain English: skanks and manwhores are out of the question" Amy said, her bluntness shocking her prudish boyfriend.
"Amy! Language!" Sheldon scolded her as he reached for the curling iron, twirling one of her dark tresses between his fingers and then proceeded to do her hair.
"I'm sorry. Alpha males and popular girls are out of the question" Amy sighed, shaking her head at the lanky physicist.
"Hmmpph" Sheldon huffed, still not entirely satisfied. "Alright, you have a point. But that still doesn't account for how we're supposed to get people to actually answer our questions. Penny has informed me on several occasions that the likes of her aren't the type to fill out forms. Also, you do remember school, don't you? I know how alpha males used to respond to my presence back then…." he muttered, his body shivering at the memory of a thousand wedgies. Double-yikes.
"Ugh, I do remember that" Amy responded, knowing he had a point. Luckily she had thought of everything.
"As I said: the popular types are out of the question. We need straight-forward answers from the general public. This study is to show why regular people, who are well versed in cultural norms and do possess some sense of shame, behave as animals once they 'hit the meat market'. We would need to talk to them. I suggest you take on the female subjects while I focus on the males" she continued, watching him as he carefully worked his way through the entire length of her hair, occasionally asking her to close her eyes as he sprayed her curls into place.
"Wait a second" Sheldon paused, leaning back into his chair, his blue eyes boring into her green ones. "You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"
"…I might just be suggesting that…" she let out carefully, knowing what was coming.
"Oh no little lady, this is not what I signed up for. I already agreed to flaunt my assets in order to blend in among the scum and mongrels that frequent the underground bars of this city: I did NOT agree to 'mingle' with them, much less pick anyone up. Really woman, what do you ask of me? I've already said I'm staying up past my bedtime. What comes next? Alcohol? Sex? Jesus Christ…." Sheldon ranted, forgetting that he was holding the curling iron rather close to her ear.
"Sheldon, I- ah…OUW!" Amy howled, startling Sheldon who instantly realized he'd burnt her ear.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm sorry Amy" Sheldon babbled, jumping up to get the burn gel from one of the kitchen drawers.
"It's okay Sheldon" Amy groaned, holding her damaged ear. "It just stings a little. I'm sure it'll pass".
"Oh dear, it's all red" Sheldon whimpered as he dabbed the cold gel onto her lobe, thinking he might pass out from the sight.
"Sheldon, it's just a little burn, it's alright" Amy sighed, once again the one who had to sooth her boyfriend even though she was the one who was hurt.
"Come on, put it away, I'm fine" she urged him, and he reluctantly threw the gel pack in the trash can next to his desk.
"Am I done? Can I look myself in the mirror now?" she continued, tugging at his hand excitedly. The sting wasn't that bad, she'd forget about it soon.
Sheldon looked at her, eyeing her black dress and her bare legs. Her hair fell in soft waves around her aquiline face, and the make-up was nothing short of ravishing: dark, enigmatic, shimmery, with deep red lips and thick eyeliner. He'd seen the design in Cosmo a few years ago, thinking it might be suitable for the night. As he looked at her now he regretted ever volunteering to help her. She looked dangerous.
"Yes… yes, you're done" he mumbled. Ostrich feathers huh?
"Great!" Amy said, picking up a mirror from her toiletry bag.
"Oh my" she exhaled as she studied her reflection. "I'd need an archeological excavation to see what I really look like underneath all this junk" she continued admiringly, thinking that her boyfriend really did excel at many things.
"Indeed. Now that's enough of that, let's get going" Sheldon urged on, eager to get out and get this over with.
"Wait!" Amy stopped him, grabbing him by the wrist.
"What?" He sighed, wondering what else she'd spring on him.
"Bend over" she instructed.
"Excuse me?" Sheldon snorted, recoiling at her words.
"Just do as I said" she insisted and he shrugged, thinking it couldn't really be much worse than it already was.
Amy reached into one of her bags, pulling out a jar of hair wax. Sticking her finger into it and digging out a dollop the size of her thumbnail, she massaged it in her palms before raking her hands through his hair, styling it until it was all mussed. She had read somewhere that this look was called 'bed hair'.
"There" she said, smiling at him as he straightened his back. "You look perfect".
"Ah, I'll be fighting them off with a stick…" Sheldon muttered, grabbing his wallet and cell phone, making his way to the door. Amy followed his lead, but suddenly she stopped dead in her tracks.
"Wait!" she called out again.
"Whaaaaat?" Sheldon groaned, wondering what more they would possibly need to do before they went out. How did people do this every Friday?
"I've just always wanted to say this" Amy confessed, shooting him a smug look.
Sheldon cocked his head to the side, arching one of his eyebrows in curiosity.
She opened the door, smiling wickedly at him.
"Let's paint the town red baby".
A/N2: Still up for more? =) I know I am! To answer the question that's sure to follow: Yes, Sheldon reading Cosmo is Canon =)