Jiraiya, the Lemon Expert!

Written By: The Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

Summary: A different type of Ask fic. Need help learning the finer points of a Lemon? Want to know what Jiraiya preferres? Or do you just want a good laugh? Then you've come to the right place!

Sweet! We got a total of SIX reviews! Not bad for an Ask fic on the first chapter. Hope you enjoy this one!

"Hm. We got a decent amount of reviews. This makes me happy. ...Or would, if I could feel any emotions," Metal King said, looking at all of the letters. "Jiraiya, time to go to work."

"Go on, bitch. I wanna cum now," A voice said.

"...That better not be you talking, Perv," Metal King said, looking over to where Jiraiya was sitting.

Jiraiya's attention was on the T.V, where the imfamous Dubbed Version of the Hentai, Bible Black, was playing.

"Well, the sex is hot as always, but the voices SUCK. And I mean REALLY suck. Next time, I'm getting the origanal," Jiraiya said, nodding his head.

"Hey, perv. We've got work to do," Metal King said in a monotone voice.

"Oh, fine. But first, we've got our first guest. Everyone say hello to Ranma 1/2's Happosai!" Jiraiya introuduced.

The tiny old Martial-Arts Master appeared out of nowhere, startling Metal King.

...Or he would, if Metal had any emotions.

"Hotcha! Great to be here, Jiraiya!" Happosai said, smoking his pipe. "I can see that the years have not been kind to you..."

"Humph. Look who's talking, midget," Jiraiya replied cooly. "There's not any questions for you at the moment, seeing as how you just got here, but there might be some later on. Just sit back and watch how a PRO does it for now."

"Feh. Whatever you say, PRO," Happosai said, pulling out an issue of Playboy.

"Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the first question," Jiraiya said, opening the first letter.

I wonder what sex between Naruto and Haku would be like?

From: battousai222

"Ah, yes. Would sex between Naruto and Haku be soft and tender? Or wild and hot?" Jiraiya said. "Well, seeing as how they are both virgans (or in Haku's case, WOULD be if she were still alive), I have to go with the first option."

Then Jiraiya smirked and added, "Then again, you know the old saying. 'It's always the quiet ones.' Anyway, hope that answered your question. Time for the next one."

1: Regarding yaoi fangirls, allow me to quote Kharn the Betrayer: "Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn! Kill! Maim! Burn!"

Agree?

2: What is up with people pulling gender changes? FemKyuubi and FemHaku are par for the course these days, but now we're starting to see a slew of FemNaruto, FemSasuke/FemNeji (not that you have to change that much), and even... shudder... FemOrochimaru. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

3: Exactly which volume of Icha Icha Paradise was it that Naruto ghostwrote?

From: Dark Knight

"Well, for the first question, I'd have to say that I DON'T agree. We shouldn't kill them. We should CONVERT them. Show them the joys of loving straight parings. Or Yuri. Because Yuri is fucking HOT. Give me a YURI fangirl over a Yaoi one anyday!

As for the second question, I guess that the people see femmine parts of the guy that makes them think that they would be perfect as a woman. For Naruto, it's his tan-skin. For Sasuke, it's his eyes. For Neji, it's his hair, espically when it's undone. And for Orochimaru...I have no idea.

And finally, it was a special one called, 'Tails of the Pimp Ninja.' Guess who it stars by the title name," Jiraiya smirked. "Okay, on to the next letter."

Wow, my other favorite sannin, damn now this is getting messed up. Yo! Great-sage, I seek the fruit of knowledge from the tree of perversion, what is the fetish called when a person desires to be the villain who kidnaps and imperils the heroine, not the damsel, and puts her through the various paces of other fetish stuff I know the names for? By way of payment for the knowledge I offer my scrolls of tentacle jutsu.
Furthermore, presuming the term potensphilia means attracted to power, how would you describe a potensphilia that can't alter your gender-preference? For this knowledge I offer... uhm...A free tarot reading?
Personal questions aside, what's more sexy? Strong mentally vulnerable chicks, or strong and hotblooded women? For that knowledge I offer contact with the Princ(ess) of Excess, She who thirsts, Slaanesh.

From: Islagatt

"Ah, great to see a fellow pervert willing to learn. Well, to answer your first question, there is no real name of the thing you described that I can think of. But I like to call it Forbidden Lust if the heroine likes it in the end, or Payback if she doesn't.

As for the second question, I guess that if you are so firmly attached to whatever gender that you prefer, then no matter how much power a person of a different gender has, if won't affect you. I'm not sure, but that's my answer for the time being.

And finally, while it feels good to know that a strong woman can be shy and sweet most of the time, it's a real turn-on when you can make a strong and hot-blooded woman moan for your touch when you're doing the nasty. So I'd have to say that Strong and Hotblooded Women, like Tsunade, are more sexy," Jiraiya replied. "And thanks for the gifts. I'll put the last one to use for sure... Next letter."

Question for Jiraiya: Do you think that women like Sakura and Tsuande that are so prone to violence and high strung just need to get laid to calm down and be a great deal less violent to both you and Naruto?

From: foxfire

"Ah, a good question! I'd have to say yes. Trust me, you wouldn't BELIEVE how much some women change their tune after one night of passion!" Jiraiya said, with a perverted grin. "Not that I'm saying that ALL women are like this, just most of the high-strung ones. Next letter.

Jiraiya, who do you think has more sex appeal, Sakura or Ino? And don't say none of them, pick one and explain please.

From: Kikana

"Well, it depends on if you're talking about Pre or Post Timeskip. If it's Pre, then Ino wins hands down, since she not only looks HOT for a 12-year old, but she isn't as prone to violance as Sakura. If it's Post, then Sakura wins by a margin. Ino looks even hotter, but Sakura gets quite beautiful as well. Plus, the fact that you could have such a strong woman moaning under your every touch if you get together with her helps out as well. So, I'd have to say it's a tie," Jiraiya replied. "Time for the final letter of the chapter."

what's hotter:
mortal enemy sex
OR
best friend sex
OR
hardcore sex (like KisaIta or HidanKaku - i can't think of any straight hardcore pairings . . .)
OR
incest sex
OR
yaoi sex
OR straight sex
heh

From: RyuMiko

"Well, except for the Hardcore and Yaoi ones (shudder), it's a tough choice... But I'd have to go with the Incest one. But ONLY if they are both females. I mean, there is NOTHING hotter than seeing and hearing two beautiful girls in the throws of passion, moaning 'Onee-chan...Onee-chan...' or even better, a Daughter and her MILF together, with the daughter moaning, 'Okaa-sama...Okaa-sama...!' I'm getting hard just thinking about it..." Jiraiya said, drooling a bit with a funny look on his blushing face.

"Hm. Looks like Jiraiya is out of it. Oh well, at least that was the final letter of the chapter," Happosai sighed.

"I hope you enjoyed the chapter and answers, and will continue to send in those letters. It won't make ME happy, since I have no emotions, but it'll make the Perv-Duo happy indeed. Well, until next time, Keep control of your emotions!"

Thought I was gonna say, Catch you next continue, didn't you?