"And you actually came?" demanded Chloe, her beautiful eyes wide.
"Uh, yeah. Dur," Rae said. She glanced around the café to make sure no one was listening and lowered her voice. "It was brilliant, my head just sort of exploded. I mean, I didn't see stars or anything, but my hands and feet felt like they were floating away from my body. Was it the same for you?" she asked.
"More or less." Chloe picked at her nail a moment. "I just can't believe you actually came."
"Why's that such a surprise to you? It's fucking Finn. Of course I came. Like the Charge of the bloody Light Brigade."
"Nah, it's just that…" Chloe hesitated. "Well, it's easier for boys. Girls, it's more complicated. We're more complex. They can't just stick their fingers up there and make it happen. It needs –"
"Finesse." Rae snorted. "Finn's got finesse."
"Well, sure." Rae looked at her sharply. "I'm not saying from experience," Chloe amended hastily. "So you felt all floaty?"
"Something like that. But why d'you want to know? You've had loads of orgasms."
"Yeah, loads." Chloe looked down.
"Haven't you?" Rae pressed.
Chloe was silent a moment, staring down at her clasped hands. "Alright then, I haven't!" she exclaimed suddenly.
Rae looked at her in amazement. "But Chloe…" she began, and then stopped. "So all those times you said - "
"I was lying, alright!" Chloe snapped. "I've never had one. Ever. Not from anything a bloke's done to me, nor sex neither. There, you happy? You beat me Rae, you got there first."
The tiny, awful voice in Rae's head, the voice that could never resist a comparison between her and Chloe, the voice that usually found her wanting, and hopeless, and desperate, managed a muffled yelp of astonished victory before Rae blocked it out. To think she had actually passed through one gateway before Chloe – well before Chloe, by the sound of it – but no, Chloe looked miserable and the tiny voice relented. Rae reached across the table and took one of Chloe's hands in hers. "It doesn't matter," she said.
"It does, though," Chloe insisted. "It means that Stephen, or any of the others – none of them cared enough to see that I got mine – s'long as they got theirs, it was enough."
"You deserve better Chlo," Rae said, meaning it. "If Stephen was too thick to figure out how a girl works, he's more of a fuckin' knobhhead than I thought. But forget him," she went on brightly. "You can always do it to yourself, y'know."
"Oh, no." Chloe looked shocked. "I couldn't. I couldn't possibly. I wouldn't know where…"
"Got a book I could loan you."
"Nah," said Chloe. "I got my eye on one of Chop's mates from the garage, and I'm sure he'll be loads better at sex than Stephen. I'll have a proper orgasm in no time."
"Right," said Rae. "I'm just sayin' that… well, Finn wanted me to know what I liked."
"Yeah, well…" Chloe hesitated. "You're really lucky, Rae."
"Yeah," said Rae, who thought of it constantly, without ever thinking Finn might be lucky too. "S'pose I am."
"You must've done a good job with him, for him to be so eager to get you off," Chloe said appreciatively.
"Nah," said Rae. "I haven't actually. I mean, I was going to, I'd started and all after he did me, but then my mom – "
"We're not keepin' score, Rae," Finn said, holding her hands tightly. For all the heady arousal that had him practically cross-eyed with need, he was looking at her steadily, seriously.
"I want to," Rae insisted. "But I've never done that either – you'll have to show me – "
"Rae – " he began, but he never finished the thought because she had wormed her hand under the waist of his jeans, and then his boxers and –
Hearing Finn's sharp intake of breath, watching his eyelids grow heavy, Rae felt a powerful wave of tenderness move through her. That she, that her touch – she wasn't even moving her hand at all yet – could do that to him… It was an extraordinary feeling. His belt was cutting off the circulation in her wrist. With her free hand, she clumsily managed to undo the belt along with – and accompanied by much struggling – the button and zipper of his jeans. "Is that alright?" she whispered. "Finn, I want to - "
Finn put his hand over hers and gently began to guide it in slow, languorous strokes. They were practically nose to nose and she felt his ragged breath on her face, coming in gasps until he buried his face in the crook of her neck. He was clutching at the fabric of her night dress and Rae suddenly realized that she was moving her hand alone, she was doing it by herself and he liked it. She felt the sweat beading on his forehead, on his chest, and he was thrusting into her hand, murmuring her name and tracing scrawled words on any bit of her skin he could reach, maybe they said "R-A-E," or "L-O-V-E" or perhaps nothing coherent at all -"
"RACHEL EARL!" They froze. "RACHEL EARL!" her mum's voice came again. Terror, terror – did she know Finn was in there with her, could she possibly know what they were doing, was she about to walk in – Finn was impossibly tense and hard under her hand, practically vibrating with –
"YOU LEFT ALL THE DISHES IN THE SINK AFTER I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN!" her Mum shouted.
"Mum, it's not half-six!" Rae called back, her voice breaking. Finn sagged against her with a stifled groan.
"If you'd done it when I asked you I wouldn't have to wake you!" her Mum bellowed.
"Ah, shit," Finn whispered. "I should go."
"Oh god, I'm so sorry," Rae moaned. "She's a total nightmare -"
"Nah, s'all right," Finn said, quickly doing up his jeans. "I've got one hell of a stiffy though-"
"RACHEL EARL!"
"Mum! I'm coming!" She accompanied Finn to the window as he tried to adjust the bulge that was ballooning the front of his pants. "Sorry, sorry, sorry…"
Finn kissed her hard and she thought he might have winked before he was scrambling out the window. He landed with a soft thump in the bushes and, looking up, gave her a rueful grin and a wave before setting off down the street touched with the first blush of sunlight. Rae watched him for as long as she could – he was walking slightly bowlegged, she had to laugh – before her mum shouted again and she sullenly made her way down to the kitchen.
"Fuckin' hell, Rae," Chloe said, her eyes like saucers. "That's awful."
"I know," Rae moaned, covering her face. "Don't tell me. It was so embarrasin' I thought I was gonna die."
"Did he feel cheated, d'you think?" Chloe asked. "I can't believe you never finished him, they hate that, it feels really bad - "
"D'you think he's upset with me, then?" Rae said anxiously.
"Well, I reckon you better make it up to him soon," Chloe said, businesslike. "You should probably give him a blowjob, so's he doesn't -"
"A blowjob?" Rae said, too loudly, and the pimply bloke at the next table looked over in interest. "Fuck off," Rae told him, but lowered her voice as she went on worriedly. "He said it wasn't about keepin' score - "
"He might've said it to be nice and all, but it sort of is," Chloe said. "He'll think you don't care enough. God, Stephen never even bothered to touch me until I'd gotten him off loads of times, and then it was just for a moment -"
"Stephen is a wanker," Rae said firmly. "Forget him, Chloe."
But Rae didn't forget Stephen, or more specifically she didn't forget what Chloe had said about him. It is about keeping score. He'll think you don't care enough. It planted a seed of worry deep within her belly that put her off her breakfast. He'll think you don't care enough. She knew Chloe was Chloe and Chloe got funny ideas and that Finn was different, different, but –
She imagined Finn's long, uncomfortable walk home, imagined the resentments he must have felt, all because her stupid fucking mother – no, because she had left him like that… Was it as terrible as Chloe made it out to be? Had she done something awful? Did he hate her now? He must hate her now, he must be sitting at home hating her right now, or worse, planning to dump her. Ah, fuck. She was starting to sweat now, feeling ill and dizzy.
"Rae? Rae?" Chloe waved her hand in front of her face. "You look all funny. What's the matter?"
Finn hates me. Finn hates me.
"I need some air," she said, and ran out of the café.