Chapter 1
Numb
He was at a place that hurt. It hurt because this was the place where he would have gone to live their happy ever after. Not to live alone. Well he wasn't really alone, Winry was there and Pinako. But no Al. He had no right to live in this wonderful, beautiful, little town. He had left it and he had sworn not to come back until after he had fixed Al. But here he was. Without Al. It just hurt.
But Winry wanted him here, she thought it was good. So he stayed. He didn't want her to cry. And as long as he stayed numb it was really okay. Numbness was the best thing that had ever happened to him, really. He didn't need to think, he just needed to be. Let his head feel pleasantly light. Yes, he could live like that. After all Al had told him to live. And if he had learned one thing it was that Alphonse was the one of them who would make the right decisions. He had definitely learned that, it was branded into his brain, together with the memory of that body. To late though. He had learned to late, Al was dead. He couldn't speak an opinion for Ed to listen to any more. Now Ed would always be nothing but a failure, a compass that pointed south because the magnet that pulled the small arrow into the right direction was gone. But if he stayed numb he couldn't feel it. If he stayed numb he wouldn't get stupid ideas again.
He went through the day, doing what Winry and Pinako told him. Making them happy was the least he could do. His only goal that managed it's way through the numbness. So he got out of bed when they called him, ate his food when they put it in front of him, did the chores they asked him to do, listened when they spoke about things and sat quietly on his bed in between, so he wouldn't be a bother when they didn't need him. He didn't know how long this has been going on before one day Pinako told him that Colonel Mustang would come over because Ed couldn't just vanish from the military. If he wanted to leave it he would have to work through the discharge process and if he wanted to stay he needed to give a report really fast before he was declared AWOL and got a court martial. He simply nodded at her, the information not really getting through, just the name did. Mustang.
It was weird, to hear that name after what seemed like forever to him. He had gone so numb that all his memories of his journey had become something ghostlike, that Mustang had become something ghostlike. For the first second he actually didn't know who Pinako was talking about, before the pictures flashed trough his mind. A blue clad figure, standing, looking out of the window behind a desk. The same person sitting behind that same desk, resting elbows on the wooden surface, a chin on interlaced fingers, black hair, black, piercing eyes, an unnerving smirk, an annoyed frown, a hand passing over files, passing over missions, passing over leads on the stone.
He felt anger rising within him but extinguished it immediately. He wanted to stay numb and he knew it wasn't Mustang's fault. If the Colonel had known that the stone would be fake and work out wrong he wouldn't have passed on the lead. Ed was sure of that, he had never known what exactly he was to Mustang and especially now he couldn't care less, but he at least knew that Mustang wouldn't waste a valuable dog.
Ed would make the man happy and do the paperwork needed to retire and then he would leave him behind, leave him be in memories. Memories of a past that was so very unnecessary because it would have all been preventable if he had just listened to Al and never activated that circle. He clutched his head and forced it to stop thinking.
Pinako watched with a pained expression. She didn't like the military dogs, but she prayed to whatever higher being there was, that that particular soldier would maybe manage to get Edward back on his feet a second time.
Edward was called down to the living room so he came down stairs. He was asked to sit on the couch so he sat. Winry next to him sighed. She did that a lot around him lately but he was only determined not to make her cry so he didn't think bout it.
"Do you want something to drink?", she asked everyone in a tired voice.
Ed wanted nothing but Al so he kept quiet like he always did when he was asked something like this.
"Some coffee, please.", said someone else though. Should he bother to identify the voice? It was so familiar, so...important. He looked up. Black eyes, watching him above interlaced fingers. There was no desk, the elbows were resting on his knees, but it was Mustang, no doubt. Ah, yes, Pinako did say something about him coming by because Ed needed to fill out papers if he wanted to stay here. Did he want that? No, the place hurt. But it made Winry happy. And he didn't have any goal. And Mustang would not want a dog that did neither bark nor bite anymore. Though the colonel would probably appreciate the lack of resistance against orders. The thought almost made him snort. But that might endanger his numbness. So he stuck to the plan: Sign papers and forget, stay in this place and make Winry happy. He grabbed the pen on the coffee table.
"Straight to the point, I see, Fullmetal"
He was so used to Winry and Pinako speaking to him in low voices, careful and afraid of upsetting him and of course laced with their own sadness, that this almost arrogant, this slightly mocking everyday tone of Mustang almost made him react. But he caught himself. With the surprise gone Mustang's words and tone stopped bothering him.
"Don't worry, we'll get this done if you want to, we're not short on time, after all."
No. No surprise, no reaction. That joke was a classic one, put away with the rest of the memories and no longer thought of. He drowned the colonel out and just stared at the pen.
He found it okay to react to the others again when Mustang laid the papers in front of him. He waited for the instruction of where he had to sign.
"Do you want to stay here or do you want to stay with the military?", Mustang asked, his tone clipped, like the tone of someone who found that the person he talked to wouldn't listen to flowery words anyway. Why did Mustang have to ask a question? Couldn't he just tell Ed to sign? He didn't want to make a decision. If he did what he wanted his decision would be wrong again because he didn't want to stay in this place that hurt him. But it would make Winry cry if he left, so he had to do the right thing and not hurt someone else.
He hadn't used his voice since he tried to explain Al that he couldn't be without him, so he just pointed at some papers.
"So you want to come back to central with us?" There were no emotions in the voice that might influence his decision, just a plain question to make sure of it.
Edward's hand started shaking. Yes, that was what he wanted, but not what was right! He thought all of those papers were for him to leave the military, why were there some for him to stay? He tried to shake his head or pull his fingers back, but it just wouldn't work.
"Look me in the eye."
He did, like he now always did what he was asked. Mustang stared into his eyes for a while, reading him while the colonel himself remained unreadable.
"I can't see fire in your eyes. But I need fire to work with. And this is no alchemical pun." Mustang gathered the papers Ed was still pointing his shaking finger at and stuffed them back in his briefcase. "You can come to sign those once you found your fire again. Until then I recommend you stay here.", he shoved the remaining papers in front of Ed.
Ed knew it was a test. The colonel wanted him to defend the decision he seemingly made, to fight for it, to react. And how he wanted to, but he couldn't! He had to do something right, at least once! So he signed the papers left on the table, signed his fate. He couldn't tell just how long everybody just sat there and stared at his signature on the paper, before those same hands that he had seen shoving documents over to him so often took the documents away from him.
"Your watch." Did the voice sound defeated? Did he care? No, he'd done the right thing.
The boy stood and went to get the silver thing. He fetched it from where Winry had put it on the unused desk in his room. He closed his hand around it. His thumb moved over the familiar surface. Should he open it one last time? The lid snapped open. He read the date, the warning. He felt the despair, because he had forgotten. Had forgotten that Al was the one who was right when it came to things like these. And so Al had to pay a second time. Edward was stupid.
He closed the watch, clutched it so hard his knuckles went white. Then he relaxed. Mustang would take that thing away from him in a minute. And he would take with him all the memories. Edward would stay alive because Al wanted it and he would stay here so Winry wouldn't cry. And he'd forget about anything not necessary to full fill these tasks. He'd go numb so he'd bother no one to much, himself included. So he went downstairs again, sat onto the same spot on the couch again, and held out the silver memory. And Mustang took it away.
The Colonel stood and made to leave. "Good bye Edward." He looked into the boy's eyes one last time, then turned to the door. He didn't sound sad, just disappointed when he said: "I always hoped that I'd shake a flesh hand when I had to say this."
Ed waited for a while, but neither Pinako nor Winry seemed to want him to do something, so he retreated to his room. He sat on his bed and looked out of the window. In the distance could see Mustang walking away. A second blue clad figure was with him. Hawkeye. Had she been in the living room, too? He didn't know. All he could think about was that Hawkeye always was at the Colonel's site. Like Al used to be at his.
He buried himself in his mattress, forced the thoughts away. Not to kill himself and not make Winry cry, those were the only things he was allowed to ponder about from now on. Nothing else. His eyes went dull.