Kate stood in the office long after Castle had walked out.
She didn't notice the new, plush and extra wide couch along the wall across from Castle's desk. A couch he'd purchased with visions of the two of them entwined together. She didn't notice the half-full bottle of black label Johnny Walker sticking out of the trash next to his chair. It had been a gift from Kate and the boys at the 12th for Castle's last birthday. She didn't notice the tears coursing down her face nor the sobs that shook her shoulders so joltingly.
She noticed he was gone. She noticed he seemed intent on being gone for good. She noticed that her life would never be the same without Castle in it.
Blinded by her tears she stumbles to Castle's desk chair, desperate to feel him in the leather and the warmth he left behind a few minutes ago. If she sat there an hour it felt like merely a moment. She had to get him back, but first she had to go tell his daughter what a horrible person she was. She had to explain to Alexis that she, Kate, was what was wrong with her father, that she had driven him away with a lie. She should have found a way to explain it to Castle all those months ago. He would have waited for her - she could see that now. Should have seen it before. Instead, she gets to explain to Alexis that she would have done it differently if she weren't such a coward.
Like deja vu Kate found herself stepping off of the elevator and walking the short hall to the door of the Castle loft again. The first time she had been on a mission to find Castle and apologize for whatever had upset him. The second time was for very different reasons. In effort to delay the inevitable she made mental note of everything, putting off her talk with Alexis much like Castle would catalog details to suspend the narrative in one of his novels.
She noticed the plant by the elevator must need a drink of water if its wilted leaves were anything to go by.
She noticed the faint trail of pinkish red about waist high along one wall where she figured Martha had trailed her perfect manicure along it after one too many cocktails one night after rehearsal.
She noticed that one light bulb was dimmer than the other in the fixture, that the mirror on the wall was just the tiniest bit off center, that despite her dawdling she was nearly to the loft's entrance and the confrontation with Alexis that would be just the beginning of all she needed to repent for.
Walking silently in her trademark heels Kate stopped and lifted a knuckle to the door, pausing briefly to make sure she was mostly in control, Kate knocked lightly and stepped back to wait.
When she opened the door Alexis was still wearing a concerned expression and Kate suspected right away Castle had not come home to the loft when he'd left the Haunt. She was certain the red-haired beauty that was Castle's teenaged daughter would be wearing a fiery mask of anger if he had. She chased down criminals for a living, had been in her own apartment when it exploded, had been shot at more times than she could count. None of those things caused the same levels of fear and apprehension she was feeling now, facing Alexis.
Save the evidence of her tears dried on her face and visible in the smears of mascara beneath her lashes, Kate stepped in to the loft showing no emotion. She silently followed Alexis into the kitchen where the girl resumed her seat at the counter and picked up her mug of tea, both hands around the mug, savoring its warmth. She looked at Kate but said nothing, all her questions shining from those piercing blue eyes, eyes just as piercing as her father's if not the same shade of blue.
"I found him at the Haunt," Kate whispered, indicating just how tenuous her grasp on control really was. Alexis said nothing, waited for her to continue. "He was just sitting there...he knew...he knew I lied to him and he...yelled...he yelled at me to leave. I tried...he wouldn't...he didn't let me say that i was getting ready to tell him...he left...said he needed to get away...from me." Words poured from her mouth in a disjointed series of starts and stops. The reality of his reaction hitting her like a wave from a tsunami and Kate grabbed on to the counter to stop the downward momentum of her buckling knees.
Alexis reached out to steady her but her arms paused halfway there with the realization of Kate's words.
"You lied." It wasn't a question, more of an accusation. Kate drew in a bracing breath and lifted her gaze to the girl.
"What has Castle told you about the day of my shooting?" Kate mumbled, voice flat and emotionless.
"Not much. He doesn't really talk about it. I know he was upset that you never called that summer but you know Dad, he got over it pretty quickly after you talked at his book signing. Now that I think about it, why is that Kate? Why is he always so willing to forgive you?" Alexis stared back, waiting for an answer, knowing that whatever the detective had to say would explain what was going on with her dad.
Walking over to the windows overlooking the city Kate put her back to Alexis and tried to get the words out.
"He told me he loved me. After I was shot, while I was bleeding all over him, he said 'I love you.' When I woke in the hospital he was right there beside me, just like he always is. When he asked what I remembered from that day, I told him I remembered nothing. I lied. I remembered every word he spoke to me in that moment. I have tried for the past year to get myself to a place where we can dive in to life together. A place where I could tell him that I did hear, that I love him too."
When she started to cry again she doesn't know, but that something tickling its way down her face is a fresh set of tears. Was it because she should have been telling these secrets to Castle and not his daughter? Was it because every word out of her mouth made it even more clear to Kate just how much Castle had laid his soul bare for her, and just how much she had really hurt him? Wishing she could take it all back, she leaned her forehead against the glass and watched her tears fall to the floor.
Inhaling deeply, Kate kept going, raising her head and pressing her fingers to the glass of the window instead. "He was watching me interrogate a suspect three days ago. Guy tried to claim he remembered nothing after the trauma of a bombing and I yelled that I didn't believe him, that I didn't believe him because I had been shot in the heart and I remembered everything. He heard every word. When I found him this morning he told me…"
"What did he say Kate?" Alexis demanded. Her voice finally filled with all the anger Kate had expected when she arrived. She was no longer sitting cradling a mug of tea either. She had moved from her seat at some point and now stood facing Kate, hands clenched into tight fists at her sides.
"That he never wanted to see me again, and then he walked out," whispered Kate.
"Not that I don't wish he could really get over you Detective, but since I don't see that ever happening what do you plan to do about it." Kate spins from the window and looks up to see Martha holding court at the top of the stairs. She has obviously heard at least most of Kate's heartbroken words, and her tone conveys her current unmistakable hostility towards Kate loud and clear.