"You know, detention's almost bearable these days."
"Hear, hear!"
"Oh, Big Ed; what'd I ever do without you?"
"Didn't cuddle in detention!"
"Ridenhour told me that my grades been dropping even more in the last couple of months so we might have to cut our association here short, Shortstack."
"Pfft, wasn't much to drop there anyway!"
"C'mon now; someday, someone's gotta make sure the dough flow is working in this relationship and with your track record, we ain't getting past the Park n' Flush sign."
"You saying my scams sucked?!"
"Even I do, Eddy."
"I'm with May on this, Shortstacks!"
"Shut it, Ed."
"Aw, did I hurt your little feelings there? C'mere and show me who the big man on campus is."
"Is it me?"
"You're my big man on campus, Ed."
"That's good enough for me!"
So it had come that Ed Firefly and May Kanker had entered into a relationship, as had their respective friend Eddy McGee and sibling Lee Kanker, and the entire school was already longing for the days of old when Ed and Eddy would come flying down the hallways, screaming bloody murder, with the two sisters in hot pursuit. Now, however, were conversations like this echoing through the hallways and had been for the last few months, something the student majority agreed was getting rather sickening. It wasn't just the flirtatious banter, it was absolutely everything. The nicknames, the loud gatherings at lunch, the snogging that couldn't even wait half an hour until class ended. It was constant, it was brutal and it had popped up out of absolutely nowhere; no one knew how these seemingly mortal enemies buried the hatchet and instead brought out the roses.
"Do you think Mr. Elmqvist will come back?" Not even the teacher in charge of detention had been able to deter the two couples from sharing a seat and snaking their arms around each other; something he quickly found nauseating and decided to go to the teacher's lounge to drink his coffee in peace. Of course, just between you and me, Mr. Elmqvist would have returned had it not been for the fact that the coffee maker had been broken in a tedious student prank earlier that afternoon and he instead spent a substantial amount of time complaining about it with the math teacher Mrs. Thistletwat. The two would one year later marry in Cabo and no former students were invited to the wedding. Some still came.
"If he can't handle the love-" Judging by the wedding night, Lee was wrong. "- Then he should wind up the pacemaker and get himself some." Eddy sharply inhaled through his teeth when Lee's wandering hand hit a sore spot.
"Damn, baby, chill; still sore from the tumble you gave me out on the field last night."
"You should've worn protection." Lee leaned in close and nuzzled their noses together. Eddy jerked when she yet again grazed the sore spot.
"Like monkeys in heat." Ed shook his head disapprovingly at the pair and gained a condescending look from the girlfriend in his lap.
"You're not much better yourself there, Mr. Big..." She whispered seductively in his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.
"Shouldn't ever have watched 'Sex and the City' with you..." Blissful silence fell upon the classroom as the couples embraced in a gentle tongue war, stopping all worries within the confines of the educational walls. All was perfect in the moment.
...
Right up until the loud *BANG* of the door swinging open startled everyone in their respective seats and laps.
"I'm just saying; maybe if she got a little dick every now and then, she wouldn't be such a colossal-"
"For the love of all that is holy, Marie; language!"
"What, I'm hurting your sensitive ears now? Fuck, shit, ass, cu-"
"Are you five? Really, are you? Because it would not surprise me if somewhere along the way, you actually reverted back to being-"
"Oh, here we go; I'm not mature enough, I'm not-"
"You threw a stapler after her!"
"She stuck us here!"
"Quite rightfully so!"
"Maybe if she'd actually get some action, she wouldn't be such a withered old-"
"Language!"
"Oh, fuck you." The two couples rolled their eyes as a third one entered the classroom and stood bickering in the doorway; this wasn't exactly a rare sight to witness. It wasn't serious either though; Eddward Hammer had learned early on that the only way to defuse his companion Marie Kanker when she began to argue over minuscule details was to argue right back.
"Bless my stars and polish my garters; Master Ed, do my eyes deceive me?" Eddy rubbed his eyes in mock amazement and stared in surprise at the young man in the doorway who held a no-nonsense expression.
"If so then mine do as well, Master Eddy! I do believe that Mr. Hammer might be lost, surely a mistake of the highest caliber!" Eddward groaned when Ed joined in on the act, forcefully pulling out a chair a few rows in front of his friends and sat down, sulking.
"I dare say, old bean; not would our most revered Mr. Hammer have done such a misdeed as to have ended up with delinquents such as ourselves!"
"Shut it, Halfpipe." Eddy duly did shut it when Marie sent a threatening look his way before sitting down at the desk next to Eddward's. "It's not that bad, Double-D."
"Permanent records, Marie; I highly doubt this will just be smoothed over!" He grabbed his forehead and sighed grimly. Marie scooted her chair closer and threw a comforting arm around his slumped shoulders.
"What happened?" May asked.
"What're y'all in for?" Marie threw the question out over her shoulder.
"Got caught making out in a cupboard." Ed said with a grin, holding May even closer than before.
"We... might've done something a bit more than that in the handicapped can." Eddy sheepishly scratched his head and Lee reached out to pinch his cheek.
"I love it when you blush."
"Jesus Christ, keep it in your pants, will you?" Marie made a disgusted face and turned her chair around. "Aight, look; like I've been trying to tell Double-D, it's no big deal."
"Tell that to the board of admission at Princeton."
"Quiet you." She put a hand on his equally sulking knee. "We were standing by the lockers; Double-D was packing his usual suitcase full of text books, I was surfing 9Gag or some shit like that when I saw something funny and laughed real loud. This kid turns from his locker and asks me to keep quiet, guy has like a headache or too tight underwear."
"Who's the guy?"
"The Polish kid in Physics."
"Oh, is he the guy who gets this nervous twitch whenever someone mentions Star Wars?"
"Yeah, that's the guy. Anyway, I tell him it's a free country, he says some bullshit that it's astonishing if I'd actually been able to learn something by sucking the knowledge outta Double-D's mouth at every given moment-"
"God damn!"
"Shit."
"That's a good one, I'll give him that."
"- And so I move in closer and tell him my life motto's 'Knowledge is knowing a tomato's a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad'."
"Is it?"
"Fuck no, but I figured it sounded smart. Anyway, he moves in even closer and says his life motto is-"
"..." She stopped mid-sentence when Double-D emitted an almost audible mumble.
"Come again, Sockhead?"
"He said his life motto is 'To be, kurwa, or not to be'." A short silence fell over them. May broke it.
"Doesn't kurwa mean-"
"It means a lot of things, May." Lee had half a mind to head out the door and find the guy to say a few meaningful words herself.
"Yeah." Marie picked up the story again. "It took three seconds before the guy was on the ground, holding his nose and moaning in pain."
"Yeah, that's my sister!" May jumped in her seat and Ed had to shift his position quickly so she wouldn't land in an improper place and hurt him horribly.
"I hit him." Another silence, more stunned than the first one, fell upon them at Double-D's words.
"You... Hit him?" Marie nodded in answer to Eddy's question. "Ho. Ly. Shit. Sockhead, I didn't even know you had it in you!"
"There are but two things I deplore mockery of; the works of William Shakespeare and my... girlfriend." Double-D's cheeks turned a deep scarlet as he sunk his head even lower. Marie kissed his blushing cheek and rested her head on his shoulder.
"This... Might be the most badass thing any of us have ever done." Eddy held back what would have been a rather feminine sounding shriek as a result of Lee twisting his nipple.
"Speak for yourself, Shorty; I've punched motherfuckers since before you laid eyes on your first porno mag." He growled at the sight of her smug grin.
"Oh, you wanna dance? You wanna dance?"
"Give it your best shot, Larry Flynn."
"I was looking through your computer, trying to find a movie for us to watch, and I found a little file called 'Eddy McGee, Ladies Man'-"
"You WHAT?! You coinsucking little moneygrabber; you ever tell anybody what you-"
"Hey, Ed; you wanna-" Whatever information Eddy was about to indulge to the room became lodged in his throat when Lee in a single movement had jumped off of him and held him dangling in the air, inches away from her snarling face.
"You're going to regret this, McGee. You're going to regret this soooo hard..." He swallowed unsuccessfully, as the sentence cut short was still traversing about his trachea, and tried to control his trembling lip. Maybe he'd crossed a line but come on, she had to admit that it was kinda... Okay, the malice in her eyes spoke of feelings other than amusement.
"Come on, baby, it was just a joke; you know I'd never-" She shushed him harshly, placing a gentle finger against his lips.
"Yeah, you'd never. And now I'm going to make damned sure you ain't never again. Girls, I'd spend the night at your fellas' houses tonight 'cause this little piggy's gonna wish he'd stayed home with some roast beef." Marie and Double-D made matching faces of disgust while May and Ed just laughed.
"I say we do so, May; gonna be hard to sleep with Eddy going 'wee, wee, wee' all night!"
"SHUT UP AND HELP ME, ED; I'M SCARED FOR MY LIFE HERE!" Though they were by now of almost equal height, Eddy still wondered how his girlfriend could be so freakishly strong; he was struggling against her one-handed grip with all of his might.
"C'est la vie, Eddy; do write if you survive the ordeal." Marie snickered into Double-D's shirt; there was always something about his deadpan delivery that amused her relentlessly.
"Oh, you're going to get it, Sockhead."
"I think you're the one getting it today, Eddy." Ed let out a joyful laughter and held his wisecracking May closer.
"Enough talk, let's get this barbecue started!" Lee rapidly stalked out the door with Eddy still dangling helplessly in her hand.
"HELP ME, GUYS; I'M TOO YOUNG FOR A HIP REPLACEMENT!" Cries and swears echoed loudly down the hall for a good minute before peace was restored.
"Hey, wanna head to the candy store?" May turned in her seat and Ed grinned widely, planting a kiss on her lips.
"I would live there if I could."
"Cool! Hey, do-"
"Of course, only if you'd live there with me!"
"Oh, Gravy Guy; of course-"
"A little dungeon below the store where we would sit in front of an open fire."
"That sounds-"
"Then we could spend the long winter evenings packing fudge in the-"
"Heh." The blonde clamped a hand over his mouth, her cheeks shifting colors as she looked over to the other couple. "Hey, you guys wanna come?"
"Not if you're gonna be packing fudge."
"Rather certain I have already contracted diabetes from this exchange of words."
"Come on, it'll be fun! Might take your mind off of the whole detention thing." She hoped that this would sway Double-D, if he came then Marie came; the blue-haired teen had been sure not to make them do too many things that the brainiac didn't want to in this relationship so far, especially when he was being melodramatically melancholic. Thankfully for the other three, Double-D sighed in defeat and rose slowly.
"Very well then."Barely had the words left Double-D's saddened lips before Ed scooped up May on his left shoulder and was quick to scoop the intellectual up on his other shoulder.
"Family field trip!"
"See, Sugar Plum? Hakuna Matata." Marie followed the walking parade float, trying to hide her amused smile at the sight of Double-D clinging to Ed's head with all of his might.
"Tell that to Mrs. Thistletwat."
"Oh, come on; she'll get over it!"
"She find the kid you hit, Double-D?"
"No. But even if she had, she most likely would have thought it the least of her worries."
"What?"
"Field trip, field trip!"
"Well, Marie thought it so fantastic that I stood up for her that she granted me a kiss. A kiss that then whisked us heedlessly away as we slowly began to make our way around the baseball diamond."
"What, there in the hallway?"
"Unfortunately. Even more so, we were somewhere between the second and third bases when the gentleman came to."
"What'd he say?"
"'It was a fucking movie quote, for god's-' was as far as he got before he screamed loudly in disgust at the sight before him and made his way to the nearest lavatory, hand over his mouth."
"That's when that bitch Thistletwat showed up."
"Marie's corrupting you, Double-D."
"All too aware of that, May."
"Come on, you know you like it, Oven Mitt."
"For god's sake, Sis; put those away!"
I really have a problem, this is not how long it was supposed to be. Either way, the line:
"To be, kurwa, or not to be." Submitted by the lovely BarthVader.
Now, Barth. I do apologize if you take offense from the small off-screen cameo, which I really hope you don't because this was hilarious to think up, but it was just obvious from the beginning what kind of a story this was going to be.
Not my best, dear reader, but that's just what this framework is; a dumping ground for one-shots, good or bad.
Cheers!