I, the great sith lord Darth Caedus, being of a sound spirit and mind, do leave my most prized
possessions to whichever Sith Lord that is driven to find my tomb within the Valley of Dark Lords
on Korriban. With the exception of the following.
To my Uncle Luke - Since I have no respect for you whatsoever, I'll leave you with a warning:
Embrace the dark side before it is too late. The light side will slowly, over time, rot your brain.
That is why you were unable to kill grandfather. Because your brain had started to rot from within.
To Sith Lord Kylo Ren - I know; you don't like to refer to yourself as sith. That you think of yourself
as the perfect balance between light and dark. You call yourself a "dark warrior". However, a sith under
any other name is still a sith. OWN IT, DUDE. Also, I know that I should hate you. After all, the good
folks at Disney gave you MY job when they filmed The Force Awakens. However, I don't hate you.
I truly like you. You are worthy of being a sith lord. However, I do have a suggestion: get rid of the
black bath robe and child's mask. They make you look like an escaped patient from the funny farm.
Which is why I am leaving you my collection of tailored suits. If you're going to pretend to be me,
the least you can do is look respectable.
And finally, to my "loving" parents, the terrorist scum of society. I know that the New Republic or
whatever you call it forgave you for your crimes. However, that does not change the fact that you are,
and always will be, terrorist scum. Emperor Palpatine was the democratically elected leader of the republic.
And yet you and the other rebel terrorists tried to murder him (Uncle Luke did) and destroy the very republic
which elected him as leader. He was within his legal rights to change the Republic to an Empire.
Which is why you'll be happy to know that, because of me, every bounty hunter, every mercenary,
every person skilled as a dark side assassin, will be after you. So learn to grow eyes in the back of your
worthless heads. I can die happy knowing that soon you will join me in the grave.