The Hand of Fear

Rose and the Doctor, after sharing a deep, succulent kiss, threw open the TARDIS doors jubilantly. "Let's find out which beautiful planet we've landed on," said the Doctor.

Rose glanced about incredulously. "I fink it's a rock quarry," she said to her handsome Time Lord teddy bear.

"A rock quarry?" said the Doctor, astonished. "Ye gods, not again!"

"You fink maybe the TARDIS brought us here for a reason?" Rose suggested. "For all we know, there's an ancient evil buried under all this rubble."

"Let it stay buried," said the Doctor firmly. "My universe-saving days are behind me."

"I sorta miss it, though," said Rose. "Goin' from one planet to the next, fightin' Daleks, and vampires, and the Devil…"

"Fiddle-faddle," said the Doctor. "The universe is protected by Buck Rogers now. You, my darling, and I have a far more important mission—to snog each other whenever the temptation arises."

And snog they did, for eight blissful minutes. As their lips parted, Rose exclaimed in ecstasy, "I never want it to end!"

"It won't end," the Doctor assured her. "Thanks to the miracle of time travel, we can repeat our honeymoon as many times as we like, up to and including infinity."

They leaned in to kiss, only to be thrown off their feet by a terrific explosion.

The Doctor, momentarily stunned, brushed the dust and pebbles from his overcoat and scarf. Standing up, he observed to his horror that Rose was lying unconscious on her back. More disconcerting still, she was holding on to a hand, and it wasn't his.

"Wake up, Rose!" he cried, kneeling beside her. "You can't die now…not after I stranded Sarah Jane on Metabilis III so I could be with you!"

"Ungh…urgh…" moaned Rose, clinging tightly to the fossilized hand she had accidentally discovered.

"Oh, good, you're coming around," said the Doctor. "I couldn't stand to lose you, Rose. I don't know how I lived without you for 900 years."

The blonde sat up abruptly, her eyes steely, her expression grim. "Eldrad…must…live," she muttered robotically.

"What…?" said the Doctor.

"Eldrad," said Rose, glaring at him without emotion. "Must. Live."

"Oh, I see you're possessed," said the Doctor. "Not to worry. The power of our love for each other will drive out whatever timorous beastie has invaded your voluptuous body."

Bending over, he pressed his lips against Rose's in a kiss of such intense passion that the ground shook beneath them. (The explosions in the quarry contributed as well.)

Rose, nonetheless, remained cold as metal. "We must take the hand to a nuclear power facility, and irradiate it within the reactor core," she stated. "Then Eldrad will live."

"All right, all right," said the defeated Doctor. "I'll cooperate willingly. Do what you want to the human race, but don't hurt my Rose."

Minutes later…

"I'm finally free of that horrible fing," gushed Rose, her arms earnestly wrapped around the Doctor's waist. "I swear, I'll never hold anyone else's hand for as long as I live, which will be a long, long time because of the residual time vortex energy inside my body."

"We're not out of the woods yet," said the Doctor, his eyes fixed on the viewscreen. "The hand is absorbing incredible amounts of radiation—even more than a package of Jiffy Pop can withstand. It's mutating…getting bigger…curvier…"

Not much time passed before a naked female figure materialized inside the reactor. "Wait," said the Doctor, gawking at her. "I know where I've seen those boobs before."

"Stop staring at her boobs," Rose chided him.

"My interest in boobs is purely analytical," said the Doctor. "Except for yours, of course. They make me hot."

The strange blond girl strode forward, the steel wall of the reactor chamber melting as she passed through. "I am Eldrad," she proclaimed in a deep, menacing voice. "I live!"

"In that case, our business here is done," said the Doctor, grabbing Rose's elbow. "Must dash."

"Wait!" Eldrad commanded. "Perhaps you, Doctor, can explain why I have regenerated into this odd, yet beguiling, form."

"That…that's my form!" Rose blurted out. "She looks like I did, when I ate the space-time continuum."

"Now I understand," said Eldrad, glowering at her. "Not having a sufficient amount of my own DNA available, I had to borrow some of yours."

"You have to admit, she's terribly sexy," said the Doctor to Rose. "In an analytical sort of way."

"This is unacceptable!" Eldrad ranted. "Already I can feel this body jiggling in uncomfortable and distracting ways. I must return to my home planet, where a device awaits that will restore me to my true form. And you will take me there, Doctor!"

"Me?" said the Time Lord. "Why, I'd be honored. However, my wife must approve of all guests…"

"She's not coming with us!" said Rose, stamping her foot.

"What, then?" said the Doctor. "Leave her here on Earth, with the whole of humanity powerless to resist her?"

"I'm afraid you'll be powerless to resist her," said Rose, her voice breaking. "Just look at her. She's exactly like me in every detail. How will you tell the difference between us?"

"Oh, please," scoffed the Doctor. "It wasn't your pretty face or your bootylicious curves that made me fall in love with you. The moment I laid eyes on you, I just knew, as if the very heart of the universe was screaming it into my ears with the voice of a million fangirls."

"I have no patience for such foolish prattle, Doctor," said Eldrad. "Perhaps you will speak more sensibly if I destroy the fangirls who have clouded your mind so."

With a glib snap of her fingers, Eldrad compelled all of the world's Rose/Doctor shippers to suffer aneurysms and drop dead.

"Now you've gone a bit too far, Eldrad," said the Doctor, reaching into his pocket. "I'm afraid I'll have to dispose of you." Pulling out his trusty sonic screwdriver, he pointed the business end at Eldrad and pushed several buttons at once. The would-be conqueror promptly dissolved into a puddle of blond muck.

"Thanks, Doctor," said Rose. "She was starting to get on my nerves."

The Time Lord shot her a condescending look. "You're that shopgirl I rescued from the Autons," he recalled. "I married you, didn't I? My, that was fun. Come, let's get you home. Your mum should be worried sick by now."

"Sure fing, Doctor," said Rose.

As he led her away, the Doctor thought about the sincere apology he'd have to offer to Sarah Jane, assuming she hadn't already been eaten by giant spiders.

More to come…