The Gold-Painted Toilet Seat

Well, apparently I'm updating this. Go figure.

Nosilla: Yes. To bad it didn't work.

Uru: I ALREADY UPDATED IT!

Disco-Dancing on the Roof: … okay then…

Tsuyayaka: Why, thank you!

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And so, we left our poor, unfortunate Kazoo with Maggie and her not-so evil stepmother of birth motherly ways. Kazoo had been there for about three months and was, as you would probably expect, loosing his MIND!

And, of course, it didn't help that the Authoress decided that she would send in an evil friend for Maggie, who was loosely (ha, no. More like exactly) based on her evil friend. Who was, at the moment, playing with the Quebec moose attached to the Authoresses purse and pressing the number keys at random moments.

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But I digress…

The friend who came over was pure unbridled evil. And with her, she brought another girl based on another one of the Authoresses friends. Who was less evil and a little more frightened of Kate. But both of them were, obviously, smarter than Maggie. As is about 98 of the world's population.

So, the evil one, Kate, and the not-so-evil one, Mel, knocked on the door of Maggie's house at precisely 3:06:28 pm on a warm Wednesday evening.

Kate's curly brown hair was back in a ponytail and her innocent-looking brown eyes gazed patiently at the door. She wore a bright orange sweater and a pair of dark denim jeans. Anyone who glanced at her would have been tricked into thinking that Kate was a normal girl… until they got to know her.

Mel's blond shoulder-length hair was straight and glinted slightly in the sun. Bright blue eyes flickered between the door and Kate, looking slightly frightened behind their black-rimmed glasses. She wore a grey sweater and a pair of blue jeans as well.

"Knock." Kate commanded.

Mel knocked meekly upon the door.

Inside the house, Maggie looked up. "KAZOO!"

The purple genie in question sighed. "Yes?"

"My evil stepmother isn't home right now and I can't open the door. And I think my friends are at the door right now. So will you open it?"

Kazoo stared at her. "Are you telling my that you don't know how to open the door?"

"IT'S TO HARD!" She whined.

Kazoo winced, his once bright-emerald eyes registering his defeat. "Alright." And so, Kazoo went to the door and opened it, barely glancing at the two figures.

"Please come in." he muttered, "Maggie will be down in a minute."

Kate glared at him and punched Mel in the arm. "Who is he?"

"I don't know!" Mel whimpered.

"THEN ASK HIM!" Kate growled.

"OKAY, OKAY!" Mel looked up at Kazoo with pleading eyes. "Who are you?"

"… I'm Kazoo…"he muttered.

"Kazoo who?" Kate demanded.

" … The genie…"

"HELLO, HELLO!" Maggie cried, running down the stairs like a bat out of hell. "Okay, so, does anyone know why I invited you all here?"

"I was told there would be ketchup chips." Kate muttered coldly.

"Kate said if I didn't come, I'd be killed." Mel whimpered.

"You're both wrong. WE'RE HAVING A PARTY!" Maggie proclaimed.

"But… why?" Mel asked.

"BECAUSE IT'S KAZOO'S THREE MONTH ANIVERSARY!" Maggie shouted.

At that moment, the three sets of eyes set themselves on Kazoo, who was slowly backing away and regarding them in distaste.

"And that matters because…?" Kate demanded.

"Because I love him and he's my friend!" she shouted, throwing her arms around the purple man in question.

Kazoo wrinkled his nose and tried to peel her skinny little arms off of him. "Um… no thank you…" he said.

"Please, Kazoo!"

"I should have killed you and just gone to prison when I had the chance…" he muttered.

"What's that?" Maggie asked.

"Nothing."

"I could help…" Kate said, her eyes glittering in amused interest.

"… I don't want to die…" Mel whimpered.

"Come into the kitchen!" Maggie cried. "I have a cake, and punch, and a present!"

Kazoo's heart softened slightly. She couldn't be all that bad if she went to all the trouble of planning him a party and getting him a present… right?

"Alright… maybe for a little while…" he murmured.

"I… was promised… ketchup chips…" Kate growled.

"It's all there!" Maggie said in a cheerful fashion. "Come on!"

And so, Maggie led the two girls and the genie into the kitchen. True to her word, there was a cake with shiny icing, purple punch (in honor of her bestest-best friend in the world, she said), a bag of ketchup chips and a gift wrapped in gold wrapping paper.

Kate dove into the room and snatched up the ketchup chips. "These are mine and no one elses." She snapped. "Anyone who touches them will be killed in a very painful fashion!"

"… I'LL NEVER TOUCH THEM!" Mel promised.

"Cake first!" Maggie proclaimed, and thus, she handed Kazoo one of those spatula-knife-things that people usually use to cut cake. "Happy three month anniversary!"

Kazoo grinned. Well, this wasn't so bad. It wasn't so bad at all. "Happy three month anniversary." He said, and then tried to cut the cake.

It wouldn't cut.

"Erm… I think you overcooked this a bit…" he said.

"What?"

"The cake. It won't cut." He explained.

"But I didn't cook it…" Maggie mused.

Kazoo raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I didn't cook it. I found it in my toy box." She explained.

His eyes widened. "WHAT?"

Mel gingerly poked a finger at the cake. "Um… Maggie?"

"Yes?"

"The cake is plastic…"

"WHAT?" Kazoo shouted.

Kate cackled loudly.

"Does that mean we can't eat it?" Maggie asked in confusion.

"Of course we can't eat it, you idiot!" Kazoo shouted.

Maggie blinked slowly, her face blank.

"That means no."

She blinked again.

"Maggie?"

Nothing.

He sighed. "Lets just have some punch…"

"Yay!" Maggie shouted, and then she poured a large glass of purple punch. It frothed slightly as it came to the top of the glass and she handed it to him. "Happy anniversary!"

"… Happy anniversary…" Kazoo sighed, and then he took a sip of the drink.

And spat it out.

"This is disgusting!" He cried. "What's in it?"

"Purple stuff." She replied.

"What kind of purple stuff?"

"Well, I squeezed some purple grapes in for purple grape juice, but it was kind of yellowy, so I filled it up with water and mixed in some purple food coloring. Then I wanted to make it bubbly, right? So I added some purple dish soap!"

Kazoo just stared at her.

"You," Kate spat, "Are an idiot.

Mel whimpered in agreement. But that's just because Kate slapped her in the head.

"Alright," Maggie said, "On to the presents!"

"Actually," Kazoo said, "I think I'll pass…"

Maggie's eyes filled with tears. "Please? I worked so hard on it…"

He sighed. "Fine. Where is it?"

She handed him the present. "Happy anniversary!"

"Right… right…" he ripped open the paper and looked inside, expecting something terrible…

And he just stared.

And stared.

And stared some more.

Inside the box was a gold toilet seat.

"Um… what is this?" he asked.

"Well, when we first met, you said you wanted a gold painted-toilet seat." Maggie explained. "And her it is!"

"I asked for a gold plated toilet seat…"

"Same difference." She gazed at him hopefully. "So, do you like it?"

"Um… sure…" Kazoo reached into the box and gingerly gripped the gleaming toilet seat between his thumb and index finger, pulling it out. He noticed gold paint drying along the edges of the box.

Maggie had put it in while it was still wet.

"HAPPY ANIVERSARY!" She screamed.

He sighed. "Happy anniversary…"