Hey...so this was formally "In Dreams & Memories" but that title just felt to corny. Or maybe I'm just strange right now, lol.

I've had this chapter & another sitting on my computer for months now and thought I should post it before I post another story for the LL Reunion Ficathon. But, if no one is going to read this one I'll just devote my energy soley to the Ficathon. So, if you like it, please please let me know!! Just a short review letting me know you'd like me to continue it. Either way, thanks for reading & hope you enjoy!!

The screeching alarm pierced the silence hanging in the room. Luke, eyelids still drawn shut, blindly fumbled for the off button. Normally, Luke didn't mind the early wake-up calls, hazard of the business. However, today was different. It was that time of the year. November, damn November. Forcing his eyelids open, Luke stared up at the ceiling. There was not a single stream of light to penetrate the black blanket covering his apartment, however Luke's eyes quickly adjusted to their imposed blindness. In fact, Luke had become adept at seeing in the darkness, as he had seemed to live this way for months. Placing his feet against the cool wooden beams, he swiftly moved through the black stillness as he made the long treck from his bed to the bathroom. Well, not his bed, exactly. The full bed, the bed he had bought for Lorelai, shared with Lorelai, made plans with Lorelai in, that bed was no longer his. One night, exhausted due to a lunch and dinner rush that seemed to meld into one, he crashed on Jess' bed, not wanting to loose precious minutes of sleep trying to fight the urge to extrapolate her scent from the pillows, cursing it and loving it at the same time. After that, sleeping on his nephew's twin bed seemed like the only option. The twin bed, with only enough room for one. That was his life now. He marveled at how hard it had been to reconcile himself with that fact. He spent the greater part of his life embracing the "Mountain Man" (as Lorelai called it) persona, never making plans.

"I broke my own rule. I asked for it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Never plan for anything more than two days in advance."

" That's your rule?"

"Yes, 'cause when you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, then you will get disappointed."

"Having expectations also gives you something to look forward to."

" Yes, then you're looking forward to being constantly disappointed."

Despite his own admission of this rule, he'd still done it. Made plans. Hell, he'd made a life around her. Remodeling her house for them to share. And now, now he was in that house, in their bed. The thought of Christopher lying in his bed, with his arm heavily and protectively draped around Lorelai's waist quelled an anger in Luke that could only be surpassed by…. Luke couldn't think of a single thing. Over the past few months Luke had reflected, in painstaking detail, the events that led up to Lorelai's infidelity. Looking back he can see the pain in her eyes when it came to April. No, not April. Him. He had shut her out, he had made her feel secondary. He had rebuffed her. He could still hear her words echoing in his head.

"But I love you Luke, I love you."

"It's now or never!"

In that moment, she seemed so desperate, so lost. That night had been hell, even before he learned of Lorelai's affair. At first, he'd been racked with anger, frustrated with her impatience and with her throwing all these grievances on him at once. But after he calmed, the guilt overcame him. Luke had always had a single-tract mind, needing to deal with things slowly and in his own way. He'd never had to account to anyone else in his life and then, suddenly, he had two people in his life, two people who needed his attention and love. He hadn't purposefully shut Lorelai out, that had never been his intention. But the realization that he had pushed her to this breaking point, to the point where she ceased being Lorelai, ceased believing in his love for her, that shook his being. Yet even with this new insight, Luke couldn't reconcile himself with her decision to sleep with Christopher. How could she claim to love him and then hours later spend the night with another man? Not just any man, but the one man who had torn them apart before. The one man whose voice sends Luke into a blind range. The one who abandoned her twice. The one who abandoned Rory.

The alarm shrieked again, penetrating his thoughts, and Luke realized he'd hit the snooze, not the off button. Okay, maybe his blindness was slightly impeding his functioning. The shrieking sound caused Luke to misfire his toothpaste from its rightful position on the toothbrush to the sink. Damn, he thought, that was the last of it. Sighing, the thought occur to him that he did have extra lying around—hers. Cinnamon, who buys cinnamon toothpaste? What's wrong with normal striped toothpaste? But then again, when did Lorelai ever do anything normal? Luke rocked back onto his heals, placing his arm on his hip, as he let out a grunt. He'd skillfully avoided such trademark Lorelai items (even going so far as to switching laundry detergent, they'd used the same brand, and of course, switching coffee brands), but he had to brush his teeth. Lifting his arm slowly, as if too quick a movement would cause physical pain, he reached for her toothpaste. However, right before he was to make contact, he retracted his hand. Doose's opens early, he thought.

While rectifying his alarm error, Luke caught glimpse of the time. Only twenty minutes of Lorelai thought this morning. Not an all time low, but respectable. Placing the black baseball cap tightly over his head, he headed downstairs. As soon as he entered the diner, Luke sensed it. There was a sweetness in the air, it smelled of berries and coffee. The scent stopped him, grounding him to his position, as he feared the slightest movement might disturb the molecules composing that intoxicating blend. He inhaled, breathing in deeply, absorbing the scent that he had tried to escape for months. Then he saw it. His baseball cap. It was resting on a chair at the counter, her chair. The connection between his brain and muscles seemed to be severed, as his mind longed to reach it, touch it, but his legs and arms remained motionless, unwavering in their positions. Luke's one-track mind spun into a flurry of thoughts, the questions overflowing his mind and his own capacity. Why was she here? Had something happened? When did she come? Was she okay? Taking in deep, slow breaths Luke cleared his head and finally re-established the connection between his brain and body. As he walked over to the chair, he was left with only one question: Why the hat? Why, out of all the ways to contact him, had she left this hat? Searching his mind, he recalled all the hat stories: the night she'd given it to him, the Rory and Lorelai talk about him in the hat (they didn't know he'd "overheard"), Lorelai's fascination with it and their nightly activities…then, the one memory he didn't want to recall came to mind: the moment he lost the hat, their last encounter.

"Who's there?" Lorelai yelled, running over to her garage.

Luke, his back to her, tensed as her voice still had the power to send his stomach into a blizzard. He had tried to be quiet, even avoiding leaves that would loudly crackle. Squeezing between the space separating his boat and the wall, he bent down to retrieve the bike pump. However, upon rising, Luke had quickly and forcefully banged his head against the wall, causing his hat to fly off, him to shout in pain and the garage to violently respond as well. Reaching the front of the garage, he met her gaze and softly muttered, "Sorry."

Lorelai froze at the sight of him. In fact, she froze beyond physical movement to the point where she hadn't even registered his words, only known his lips had slightly moved and his chest risen with each expelled breath. Biting her lower lip, Lorelai mulled over what next to say. Feeling his eyes upon her, knowing he could (always, well at least used to always, before April, before it) see into her mind, she sent her eyes shooting to the ground. "I…I thought it was a raccoon." Instantly, Lorelai regretted her choice of words, bringing up a memory of happiness that would only intensify the tension between them and the pain residing in her chest.

Luke registered the sadness in her voice as she uttered the last statement. Their last breakup had been excruciating on both sides. However, they later agreed they knew they loved each other too much, so much in fact, that they knew a breakup wouldn't be the end. As this memory flashed before Luke's eyes, he wondered weather Lorelai was reliving it as well. The answer yes instantly came to him because, despite everything, he still knew Lorelai. Breaking free of their memory, Luke stated, "Yeah, well…I was just getting April's bike," as he motioned to the pink object beside him. Luke perceived the sadness in Lorelai's eyes as she nodded in acceptance, first looking at the bike, then him. Their last conversation had been brutal, a verifiable street scene, all the dirty laundry aired. But with two weeks having passed, Luke could feel the anger between them had dissipated, they were both exhausted, defeated and empty.

Lorelai's breath had become sharp and edgy. Playing nervously with her hands like Dennis, she knew she was about to play her last hand. Her mind was working overtime, trying desperately to assemble her normally scattered thoughts into beautiful, clear sentences. Thinking furiously, Lorelai tried to find some memory to play off, something she could say that would remind Luke of all they had. She scanned her memory, thinking of their friendship, their courtship, their marriage and then she saw it. With Luke standing before her, Lorelai could see their future in the perfect daydream. The wedding, the kids, the vacations and nights in, the grandkids, and then, her favorite dream—them as an old couple.

Luke placed his hands on April's bike, thumbing the handlebars, finding the silence he normally embraced unsettling. Looking at Lorelai, her eyes and being so distant, he took in her fragile state. Lorelai had never looked her age, until now. The circles under her eyes were deep and black and Luke realized, she must not be embracing physical appearance, since he knew of four different make-up products she had to combat this very problem. Her collarbone was more apparent and her hair was lacking its normal body and wave. More than that, her being lacked its normal radiance. Lorelai was the type who could instantly light up a room with her luster and fire, but now, now she was pale, the spark within burnt out. His beautiful, luminous Lorelai was fading right there before him. With this thought, Luke mentally scolded himself. She was not his anymore. She had chosen someone else, she'd chosen Christopher. Squelching the urge to embrace her, heal her, Luke drew a deep breath as he shifted his weight onto his right leg, propelling him slightly forward.

Luke's movement snapped Lorelai out of her daydream. Eloquent speech be damned. By now Luke had taken five steps, brushing past her slowly, as he pushed April's bike along. Rapidly pivoting, Lorelai said what first came to mind, "I love you."

Luke stopped, unable to face her. He let his shoulders rise and fall as he exhaled loudly, unsure of what to do or say. Luke had always had an impenetrable wall placed between himself and the world. It was carefully constructed to protect and keep out, like a fortress. But, he knew, Lorelai could bring it crumbling down. Not wanting to be exposed again, he looked up slightly, drawing in deep breaths as he summoned the wall, even if it was just a façade.

"I'm such a mess. I know I did the unthinkable, I did the one thing I knew could break us, but I have to believe that…that this, that you and me, we can't be broken. I hurt you because you hurt me and I know that makes me four, but….but….you know Luke, it's not just me who let this relationship fall apart. I was suffering, agonizing for months. I just wanted you to include me. Maybe if I had spoken up or you had seen me, maybe…" Lorelai felt the warm liquid falling from her face and tasting the salty tears, she felt her emotions begin to unpore. Running to Luke, she placed herself right before him, to the point where she could smell and feel his breath. "I love you…please, just…" Lorelai couldn't even finish her thoughts as she began to shake with her tears falling at record speed.

Involuntarily, Luke's hand reached out to Lorelai's face. He placed his hand softly on her cheek, as his other thumb began wiping the tears away. She trembled under his touch, leaning her head to the side to place her cheek deeper into his hand, closing her eyes at the warmth of his touch. She deeply inhaled his aroma of cologne and burgers, as if she was trying to capture him within her. The air between them was vitalizing and suffocating. Lorelai marveled at how someone, who is more essential to you than oxygen, could supply your breath as well as take it away. Opening her eyes slowly, she made contact with Luke's gaze. Closing the distant between them, she softly whispered, "I'm all in."

At this, Luke instantly retracted his hand from her face, stepping back out of her embrace. "Please Lorelai, don't say that."

"What? Why not?" Lorelai's voice conveyed her hurt, but she wasn't ready to let go of him. Stepping towards him again, she winced as he moved, once again, just out of her reach.

"How could you claim to love me and the next minute sleep with Christopher? How Lorelai? Explain that to me? Explain how that is 'all in'." Luke's words had come out harsher and sharper than he had intended, but he couldn't apologize, he wouldn't.

"What do you want from me? I was all in. Don't you see, don't you get it? You shut me out! You cut me out of your life." Lorelai was now shouting, her voice coming out raspy, as she felt her vocal chords being strained with the emotion they were conveying. "Do you not take any of the blame? You call 'all in' refusing to marry your so-called fiancée. Hell, not even marry, just talk to her, let her buy you some luggage!"

"Luggage? I asked you! I said I would send it back if it bothered you and I would have let you buy it for me if I knew that it meant so much to you." Luke's voice got quieter as he let out this last statement. Thinking back, he remembers her rambling about it and how truly okay she was with Anna's gift. Rambling, he thought, that should have been a clue. But, he knows all too well his ignorance during that time. The silence now blanketing them seemed to convey a longing to go back and right this simple wrong, hoping it could rectify the situation. But the situation is much more than that.

"Oh Luke, I shouldn't have had to ask you. All I wanted was for you to see me, be with me." Lorelai's eyes seemed calmer, her breathing normal, as she spoke one of her purest desires.

"I was with you! Everyday. I never stopped being with you, not for a second. I wanted to marry you, I was ready to go off, but then…" Luke looked down, realizing his hands had been balled into a fist, anger rising quickly in him, as it did anytime there was a mention of Christopher. "You know, you still haven't answered my question. Why did you sleep with Christopher? Was it the luggage? What was it that I was so horrible you had to go to him?" Luke's eyes burned with pain and resentment. The question of why she chose Christopher had been one of obsession for Luke and he was desperate to force an answer.

"No, it wasn't the luggage! I mean….that's not even the point. There was no single thing, it was just…I felt so broken. Everytime you excluded me…" Lorelai paused, closing her eyes as she tried to prevent herself from reliving that pain while trying to find the words adequate to convey it at the same time. "It killed me, okay? Sometimes I think we're so connected that we can inhabit each other, and yes dirty, but we inhabit each other's thoughts as well. Do you know what it was like to be excluded from your life? From your thoughts? From your daughter?" Lorelai's voice quivered as she unsuccessfully tried to squelch the tears rising in her throat. Looking at Luke, she saw the glaze overcoming his eyes as well. Inspired by this display of emotion, dare she think it, of affection, Lorelai continued, "I am sorry okay? I did a horrible thing, I know that. I've been in aching, soul-deadening pain because of that! The fear of loosing you is excruciating." Lorelai wrapped her arms around her stomach, as she could feel her inners snaking into loops and twists. Her fingernails were digging into her sides and she noted that the pain she was inflicting on herself was slightly cathartic. This isn't healthy, she thought. Drawing breath Lorelai continued, eager to make Luke see the distraught nature behind her infidelity, eager to make him realize it wasn't symbolic of her loss of love for him, instead it was a symptom of her distress at loosing his love. "But Luke, couldn't you see how miserable I was? I thought you didn't care, that you didn't want to marry me, that I was loosing you! At Lane's wedding I drank myself into oblivion, sick with the feeling that the man I wanted to spend forever with barely had time to see me, let alone be with me."

Luke eyes widened as Lorelai shared this last piece of information. He recalled the night, the late phone call he made, her uncharacteristically simple explanation of the ceremony. No mention of pain, neglect. In fact, that had been a good week. That week she saved April's party. Then, he closed his eyes, as he realized what that week must have felt like for her. Excited at the prospect of being included with April, Luke replayed the hurt and pain in her eyes when he informed Lorelai of his conversation with Anna. How could he have not seen it then? Lorelai's soft sniffle drew him back to reality. "I am sorry I was absent, but I never, not once stopped loving you and I always wanted to marry you. I just needed time. I needed you to trust us." Luke sighed, realizing what he needed to say next, "I needed you not to run to him."

"And I needed you to run with me."

With that their eyes silently met each other. They were at an impasse. Normally this would result in a cooling off period, a couple of days of tense conversation culminating in a concession meeting and then a fabulous makeup. But both knew this wasn't a normal situation. Too much had happened, too much had been said, too much had been unsaid. They had once thought their mutual stubbornness was one of the factors that made them perfect for each other, but here, at this moment, it was their downfall. They broke their gaze, each allowing their eyes to fall to the ground. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Luke returned to April's bike and began the long walk down Lorelai's driveway.

Stop, turn, please. She heard her voice in her head, screaming in far off pain, but it was to no avail. She was motionless, numb with the agony of it all. Her mind was a flurry of thoughts, of memories that would never be created.

Luke could feel Lorelai beckoning him to come back. He suddenly felt as though he was a person with a split identity, the one before he was with Lorelai and the one after. Reaching the corner, he slightly paused, but then quickly continued on. He had lost Lorelai and with that, he chose an identity.

His bread supplier knocked loudly on the door. How long had he been standing there, gazing at the baseball cap, frozen in time? The knocking got louder, with the beating more fierce and quick. The noise startled him, his leg bumping into the seat and dislocating a thin, white envelope. Bending down to retrieve it, he instantly recognized the handwriting. He ran his fingers along his name, the force of the pen having been sufficient to leave indentations on the envelope. A jolt ran through his body as he was gripped with the knowledge that he was touching something she had just touched hours, possibly minutes ago. This time the knocks on the door where loud enough for his "No Cell Phones" sign to make a sharp bang as it reverberated against the wall. Folding the letter in two, he delicately slipped it in his back pocket, not wanting to sever the connection.

"I'm coming! Keep your pants on!"

"Uh, hi Chris, it's me. I just, ya know, wanted to say hi, so hi. Uh, I know Rory said we were having a girl's night, but…see, actually…there's something I wanted to talk to you about…see, um, I was thinking and it was kinda…Gaw, I suck at leaving messages…Can you please just call me when you get this. I should be home tonight, so yeah, call…I just, yea, we just need to talk…So, uh, I guess I'll talk to you soon…I don't mean that you have to call me the instant you get this…but I mean, if you do get this and you're up, that, that would be okay…So, talk to you later, okay? Okay…Bye."

Chris replayed the voice message for the fifth time in a ten-minute period. Lorelai loved to ramble, but this wasn't a typical Lorelai message. Instead, her quick and witty sentences were choppy, her pace was uneven and her pitch a mess. Chris rubbed his temples, feeling the all too frequent headache settle in. For weeks now, Lorelai had been distracted, distant. He hadn't known how to respond, except to be patient. After all, their relationship had come so far. On his part, Chris knew he would do everything in his power to make this relationship work. Lorelai was the one, he was positive. And he, unlike Luke, wouldn't lose her.

However, he couldn't help his anxiousness when he heard her message. Rory's was so vague on her reason for canceling their date, so quick to dodge any specifics that Christopher was initially worried something bad had happened between her and Logan. But after Lorelai's call, he began to wonder if it was another man who was behind his daughter's altered voice. After all, there was only one man who had truly ever penetrated the Gilmore girls' inner circle. Christopher hadn't realized the extent of his presence until his conversation with Rory following his and Lorelai's breakup.

"She needed a friend Dad! Couldn't you see she was devastated?" Rory screamed. Her vocal chords felt strained, the ten minutes she had been talking with her father were enough to do significant damage.

"Rory, I've tried to explain this to you before…Me and your mom, we're supposed to be together. Now maybe the way it happened wasn't the best, but I won't go apologizing for it, I won't admit that getting a chance again with the best thing in my life was a mistake." Chris sighed deeply. Here they were again, arguing over his place in Lorelai's life. He considered telling her this wasn't even her business, but he knew where that conversation would lead—more screaming.

Rory's pupils enlarged with her outrage. How could he not have seen the damage this would do to Lorelai? "She had just broken up with Luke! I mean, it's Luke." Rory's voice came out the softest and sweetest it had all night, as if bringing him up brought a peace to her.

"I'm well aware of who it was Rory. Look, I know you cared about Luke and I'm sure this is hard on you too, but just give it a chance, give me a chance. I really want this to work with your mom. You'll see, it'll be good. We'll be a family." Chris smiled at his daughter, as he reached out to stroke her arm.

Rory blew out a loud sigh, tightening her arms across her chest in response to her father's touch. "Dad, look at the history? You've always promised to be there. You promised at Sookie's wedding. Then you left us. Do you know how long it took us to recover? And then you promised to be there, just as a friend to mom and now look. I'm trying so hard to trust you, but you make it really difficult, you know?" Looking up to her father, Rory's eye's brimmed with tears.

"I'm sorry about that kid. You have no idea how much it kills me that we lost all this time, me and your mom, me and you. But we can make up for it now." He reached for his daughter again, trying to bring her into his embrace.

Rory leaned into Chris, resting her head on his chest. Then, suddenly, she retracted, remembering what had brought her here today, remembering the heartache her mother was feeling because of Chris's involvement in her life. "You still don't get it. Mom loves Luke."

"Rory, I know she's sad now, but she'll get over it, really."

"No, dad, she won't. I just, oh Dad, you know I love you, but I love mom too and I just want what's best for her."

"Wait a minute…Rory, do you think your mom's better off with Luke than me?" Chris's voice quivered as he uttered this question, fearful of her answer. He knew that Luke had been a presence in Rory's life for years now, and he'd even felt threatened by Luke's relationship with his daughter at the wedding, but knowing that he might hear his daughter prefer another man to him made Chris feel faint.

Rory bit her lower lip, digging her teeth into her lip, as if she was trying to buy time. Rory knew the answer. It's Luke, it's always been Luke. Unable to vocalize it however, Rory simply stared at her father, as she finally unclenched her jaw.

Christopher's winced, stung with the unspoken truth, but determined to make Rory see his point of view. "Look Rory, the only thing that matters here is how your mother feels. And if she'll have me, I'm going to be with her and I'm going to make this work. We finally have our chance. So I'm sorry if you're upset, but this is happening."

With that Rory let out perhaps her loudest, most exasperated sigh and drew breath for round two.

His conversation with Rory had continued several minutes longer. Eventually, he'd pushed it to the back of his mind, convincing himself that Rory couldn't see what he and Lorelai had and had a misplaced faith in Lorelai's love for Luke. But at that moment, as he replayed Lorelai's message for the sixth time, he heard the guilt mixed in with anxiousness and thought, maybe Rory was right all along. He was losing Lorelai, and in fact, maybe he'd never had her.

Thanks for reading! Now please please be kind and review! Remember if you want this to continue at all, please let me know!!!