Here's another cliffie. Yesh, that's what I'm calling them today. OH! Sorry I'm two days late! I was...preparing for painting my room! So, as a reward, I'll give you an EXTRA cliffie! YAY!
Chapter 2:
Gathering of da Armies
A scream came from outside the tent. They stepped outside. "FELL BEASTS!" it was the random scout. RANDOM! Milandu slapped Aidan all of a sudden.
"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his cheek.
"Nothing." She/he looked away. (alright, guys, I'll keep you out of suspense. (cough) Milandu is a she.) "Get the camels." She looked at Hamlet. "NOW!" Hamlet shook her head quickly and ran away to find them. "Duck." When Aidan did not heed her word(s), she pulled him down with her as she fell to the ground. A fell beast stooped down and attempted to snatch them, but it wasn't expecting them to tumble. It frantically flapped its wings, and suffered a misbalance (YESH THAT'S A WORD!!!) as it was bitten by three camels in the wings. They had long, silver helms that covered their entire muzzles. Their backs were mounted with mithril ;) saddles, and their legs had metal leggings.
"Well, Hamlet, you went fairly quickly for one so..." Milandu stopped. "Intelligent!" she grinned! Crevan laughed.
"Well, we have to go soon! The Sues are marching!" she said.
"I can see that." She looked a few feet away, where a fell beast-who had been enSued and had been ridden by a Sue-was lying, and it turned to them. Hamlet and Milandu suddenly recognized it.
"SPARKY!"
"We have to go. Fast," said the fell beast. They all nodded.
"OVER HERE, GUYS!" Aidan called. The four other Its raced out of the tent, and grinned.
"Sweet awesomeness!" Mal yelled. She ran and leaped onto Sparky. The others giggled and followed her. Aidan decided to decidedly (no more of that! (slaps self) OUCH! That hurt, you scoundrel! (slaps self back) FIEND! (gets into slapping fight with self)) join them. Milandu and Hamlet laughed (AHA!), and jumped aboard two of the camels.
Crevan was already seated on Behrooz, and she whispered to him, "Let's go!" and he raced off, followed by the other three. Hamlet pulled out her Olde Englishe sword.
"TO WAR!" she cried. The others followed in her war cry. And Sparky burped a horrendously long burp.
"BUUUURRRPP!" And then they cried, "TO WAR!" Aidan pulled out a horn and blew it with all his strength. It rang clear, and its voice flew across the fields. Sparky flew high, to give a great view of the Shire. The Its all peered over the plain, and saw a great company marching from the west.
"The diaperlings and cows are coming!" Aidan shouted from his perch on Sparky's neck.
"Good!" Hamlet shouted back. They were racing. They were racing...to battle.
The cows and diaperlings marched towards Hobbiton. "So, we're going to meet Hamlet and whoever her buddy is, and then we're a gonna go beat more Sueeeees!" Vachel said. Dun...dun...dun!!!
They were close to Bywater now, riding with all speed. Milandu suddenly gasped.
"AHHHH!" she screamed.
"What?" Crevan asked, and she halted. (actually, Behrooz halted, but-(cough)) The others did too. Sparky dove down and landed.
"What's wrong?" Milandu was wrenching Hamlet's neck off.
"WE JUST GOT WORD A HALF HOUR AGO THAT LEGOLAS WAS ENSUED! ARRHHHGGG!" She thunked her head on Keanu's helmet. AND NOW FOR YOUR DOOM! Oops...that wasn't supposed to be there...
"Crap." Crevan winced.
"We can do it, it's easy!" said Aidan.
"But we need you five to be bait! And Sparky wouldn't stand a chance against thousands of mad driving cows," Milandu reminded him. Sparky cowered.
"I will go!" Behrooz exclaimed. He reared up, and he and Crevan looked dashing together in the red sunset, with a pose that reminded one of...heroicism! They dashed off before Milandu had the chance to say yes. She shook her head, and sped off again. Her dark cloak covered the wondrous mithril ;), for a moment unblinding her from the bright rays that shone off the rare stone. After the mithril shirt had been recovered by the Eagles, Frodo had brought it with him to the Shire. He had given it to Crevan as a reward for...being a camel-herder? Erm...
Anyway, Ryu and-WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS NOT RIGHT! RYU IS SUPPOSED TO BE PREGNANT! AHH! Oh, right! We (meaning...HAMLET! Of COURSE! It is ALWAYS Hamlet's fault!) forgot to show you! Ryu had her baby! Hehehe! We'll show you a quick clip from her first months teaching her child basic training:
"FIRE! FIRE! CRAP! MOM!" Ryu groaned, but hopped down the steps to see what was wrong THIS time. She immediately became very afraid for her house. "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THE FLIPPIN' BROWNIES BURNED AND STARTED ON FIRE! AHH!" The little camel ran about, trying to figure out what to do.
"CALL 911!" screeched Ryu.
"I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER!" cried her little cameling.
Okay. We're done. You get the picture.
They all were riding, when Hamlet stopped. "I want to go to fetch the Ents!" Aidan shook his head.
"Sorry, Hamlet, but that job needs intelligence, which you do not possess!" Milandu stifled a snicker, but kept going. Hamlet looked downhearted, but continued in spite of her slight sadness.
"Oh, my Legolas! Won't you come to me so that you and I might have red hot sweaty-" she was cut off by a perfect arrow. Crevan sped by, bow in hand. She slapped Legolas' greasy face, and sped off. She quickly made it to The Green Dragon, where the cows and diaperlings were waiting.
"I am here in Hamlet's place! We have to get to the Brandywine!" she shouted. Vachel and Pooky and another lady looked towards her.
"How do we know you're Hamlet's replacement?" Pooky asked.
"Hamlet isith noteth hereth, so thous wilst not heareth herth speecheth," said Crevan. The other three nodded. She was Hamlet's replacement. Suddenly, Miss Mary-Sue came behind and grabbed at Behrooz, who kicked her in the face. She landed into the other lady's leg.
"AHH! BERTHA! MARY-SUE ATTACKING!" cried Vachel to her friend. Bertha smacked the Mary-Sue, who was trying to use some sort of magic. Sue suddenly cried.
"CRAP! I used the wrong magic trick!" Suddenly, Bertha was where the Sue had been, and Sue was where Bertha had been. "AHH! Hideous body!" She looked down at her potbelly, and screamed, "LEGOLAS!" Bertha was flinching at the terribly anorexicness and whiteness of Sue's body that was now made into Bertha's prison.
"Blehh...no muscularness!" Bertha grumbled, and she tried flexing. Unfortunately, the only things that flexed were her nasty huge breasts. "AHHHH! GET ME CLOTHING!" she screamed, suddenly realizing that the Sue had been wearing little more than a loin cloth. (No worries, there was a breast-cloth too, ehhehe!) She quickly grabbed at a quilt that had been packaged (?) on Behrooz.
He flinched. "Take it!" he cried, trying not to be touched by the nasty huge breasts. At the same time, Sue suddenly realized that she was actually wearing clothes! During the commotion, she escaped (out the back door, of course!) and found Legolas outside.
"Legolas-" she choked. She suddenly felt the arrow that Crevan had implanted upon her five minutes before. She made a terrible face. "TAKE IT!" she screamed, pointing at her clothings. He shook his head.
"You are much too dumb." And with that, he went off in search of Rhesus monkeys.
"Why is there a big hole on your neck?" asked Pooky. Bertha attempted to look at her neck, but it was no use. Her breasts were much too much in the way.
"We have to get you help to switch your bodies back," said Behrooz. Crevan nodded.
"We've delayed too long. We have to get to the Brandywine, with or without your..." she paused midsentence, looking at Bertha, "Sue body." Bertha tied the quilt on, and sighed.
"Nastiness..."
"Well, I'm all ready! My cows and I have been waiting!" said Vachel, gesturing out the window, where all the cows were, with the diaperlings seated on them.
"We are ready, too," added Pooky.
"I suppose I could try." Bertha sighed. "I'll be right back." She snuck outside, and, seeing Sue, grabbed a nearby bucket. She quickly smashed the Sue over the head with it. It had been filled with dirty fish tank (what!?) water, and...the contents spilled all over Sue. Bertha grabbed her, as she was now unconscious, and dragged her back into The Green Dragon. "Okay! I'm ready to go!" Everyone stared.
"You don't think I'M going to carry that wench, do you?" Behrooz asked. Bertha shook her head.
"No, my cows will do it." The cows outside all shook their heads.
"Tie her up," Crevan commanded. Bertha stared. Crevan gestured with her head towards the door. "Tie her up to a tree or something! We can't leave her loose!" Suddenly, Vachel's face turned very serious.
"No." She locked eyes with Sue. "She must be removed, so she won't somehow entrap any of the citizens here," Vachel said, almost with happiness.
"I am not an executioner," Pooky shook his head.
"And if we kill her, there is almost no chance of me getting my REAL body back." Bertha shook her head. "BUAHAHAHA!"
Sue was tied, upside down, to a thick branch of a tree in the middle of the forest, gagged. A squirrel stopped by, and giggled. It gave her a few "presents". Sue pretended to cry, but...failed. Squirrels started ganging up on her, and giving her LOTS of "presents". Fortunately, she was tortured to the end of her short days.
The company raced towards the Brandywine. "Hamlet, where is he?"
"He ist waiting for us with the hobbits, at theireth abode called 'Buckland'."
"So, basically, he's waiting for us with Merry and Pippin?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
OOH! OOOH! Okay, so, yes, I (cough) Hamlet said that we (cough) she was done talking about Ryu and Willow (that's Ryu's baby, by the way), but we (cough) she lied. Here's a quick picture of what Ryu teaches young Willow in home-making: (in Camel that means cooking)
"How do we make dessert, Willow?" Ryu asked, as she was so very proud of her young cameling.
"We just add sugar!"
"Good show!"
The trio sped across the Shire, and after three hours, (no, we won't be Tolkien and describe every minute of the story) made it to the Buckland Gate. Merry and Pippin were waiting for them. The gate-dude, however, wasn't especially eager to let them in.
"Erm, you guys don't looks like hobbits..." he muttered rather loudly.
"We ain't," Mizel blurted. All of a sudden, the gate-dude and Merry and Pippin noticed Sparky.
"Holy cow! Merry, is that a fell beast?!" asked Pippin, with his awesome Irishy accent.
"I think so, Pippin. Pretty frickin' cool, don't you think?" (okay, un-Merry-like, but still awesome!)
"Thou wouldst havest good tidings upon thine head if thee wouldst open up the gate, keeper of the gate!" Hamlet commanded.
"Err...are these people friends of yours?" the gate keeper asked Merry and Pippin. The gate-keeper didn't seem too bothered by Sparky. Because..."I have MAD COWS if they are NOT!" He lifted a fist to Sparky. Sparky cowered.
"Mewehhh! Not the mad cows!" whimpered Sparky.
"Actually, I don't, but...hey, that's nifty that I got a FELL BEAST to whimper! Hehe!" Sparky suddenly growled and grew angry to have fallen cowardly to a dumb threat. "Wait...I DO have a mad cow, at my grandma's house!' Sparky cowered again.
"Yes, we know them. We've been expecting them, actually." Merry looked around. "Wasn't there a third camel, and another human...the one who Frodo gave the mithril ;) shirt to?"
"Yeah. She's gathering more armies," explained Aidan.
"And she'll be here soon," continued Tristan.
"Because dumpy Legolas is too dumb," added Mal.
"And he got enSued," Mizel shook his head.
"And I eat fried chicken!" Tayten exclaimed.
"I see," said gate-keeper.
"So," said Milandu, who slipped past the others, "you can be a really nice hobbit for us," she continued, her voice growing louder, "and wait for her and the anti-Sue armies," she hopped off Keanu, and she passed through the wall, "or ANSWER TO US!" She was now inside the gate. The gate-keeper-and Merry and Pippin-were astounded, and didn't respond.
"How did she do that?" whispered Mizel to Mal, who just shook her head. Milandu snickered.
"You don't catch on very quick, do you? Ah, well, not everyone has intellectual qualities...but anyway, I'd be most appreciative if you would be so kind as to OPEN the GATE!" she ordered, towering above the short guy. (pshh, Milandu's short too. MAYBE she's a foot taller, but no more than that, hehehe...) When he just stood there, dumbfounded, she rolled her eyes and grabbed his keys, and unlocked the gate. "Please open the gate for Crevan the Camel-lover." She gave him back his keys, and the others came through the gate.
"Off we go!" Pippin cried, and tried to run, but was unsuccessful in keeping up, so Sparky gave him and Merry a lift, even though he had five other (retarded) beings on board.
Meanwhile, an army of diaperlings and cows galloped across the plains, led by one camel and his keeper.
;) Yes, I know mithril is terribly expensive, but...but but! I can't give up the mithril for the camels! Ehhh! (slaps all readers) AHAHAHA! I- (quickly dodges dozens of slaps from reader(s)) AHHH! -win.
Okay, honestly, in MY mind, Crevan gets the mithril at McDonalds! Yay! Err, she has so many free hamburgers that she is able to TRANSFORM THEM INTO MITHRIL!! 'CAUSE THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE!
Yes, yes, Hamlet's husband will be showed in due time...