Ryan was sitting on the living room couch in his mother's house that night dressed in sweats and an old sports jersey of his. Watching mindless television, he petted Rusty who was sprawled out across his lap. Staring blankly at the television, his thoughts drifted back to earlier that afternoon and a horrible feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. His fingers going through Rusty's short fur, he stared down at his sleeping dog that he had owned since senior year of high school and felt suddenly very depressed. His mother was all ready upstairs asleep, she had been more than helpful and understanding after all the trouble he caused earlier that year. He knew he was disappointed, but she had taken him back home without any second thoughts. Her biggest concern was getting him sober. The spring before he returned to Dunder Mifflin she had forced him to go into a rehab just outside of New York. Thinking back on those four weeks of hell made him sick. Looking at himself he really couldn't believe so much had changed just within a year.
He was the youngest VP in the history of Dunder Mifflin. He was successful, ahead of the game, and for the first time in his life people looked up to him. He remembered the wonderful feeling he had the moment he left his boring life at Dunder Mifflin and first saw the skyscrapers peek over the skyline as he entered the city limits.
Business meetings, pricy suits and cologne, expensive dinners, nightclubs, and women. Once the drugs became involved it all began becoming a blur. Within months things were falling apart in front of him and slipping through his fingers. The website was causing problems, David Wallace was on his back, and for some strange reason he couldn't escape Scranton no matter how much he tried. Soon he found himself trying to cover his tracks, cheating in order to get money, pretend sales, and act as if everything was still perfectly fine. The money was beginning to slip, and the drugs were all ready building.
Finally, the music stopped.
He had been terrified.
He was charged with fraud and drug possession on the company's behalf. His poor mother, who had worked six days a week ever since his father past away when he was ten had to be woken up one morning by him, crying and still drugged out asking for her to come to New York and bail him out.
He was so embarrassed he wanted to die.
The trial happened a week later, he was fired of course and sentenced to nearly 400 hours of public service. By then he saw the video on Youtube, it was taken by one of his co-workers on his cell phone. Wanting to die, he honestly didn't know where else to go.
His mother came to his apartment, which he knew he could no longer afford and talked to him straight. His whole life, ever since his father died she had always seemed to baby him. She often reminded him that he was all she had left, and that if anything ever happened to him she wouldn't forgive herself. That overcast afternoon in his apartment she talked to him for the first time in what seemed like forever as an adult.
She told him he messed up, and that was of course in the past, how he needed to come back home no matter how much he didn't want to and get himself cleaned up. After that she would contact the temp agency and try to find a job for him.
Ryan tried telling her nobody would ever hire him again but she didn't listen. Instead she got him checked into a rehab program and began his journey on getting sober.
For Ryan that was the lowest time in his life.
Some nights he would get the shakes so bad he would have to go downstairs and make himself a pot of coffee and stay up until dawn. Often he would get sick to his stomach and get the urge for a hit so bad he thought he might die.
Instead, he kept slowly taking it one day at a time. Along with a coke, he had also became fond of speed. By the time he was recovering and doing his hours, he had lost a total of twenty pounds and looked a mess.
When his lease came up in his apartment he returned to New York one last time, feeling a heavy weight in his chest. That's when he received a call from Michael…
At first he was furious at his mother for calling him up in the agency without him knowing. Hearing Michael's voice over the line sent back so many horrible memories he didn't think he could stand it.
That's when Michael told him there was a temp position open if he was interested, same pay and of course same hours.
Shutting his eyes, Ryan honestly didn't know if his pride could take it. He knew exactly how he had acted, and having to return from being the youngest VP in Dunder Mifflin history to back as the awkward shy little temp seemed too much. But looking around his small little apartment, he knew he had to listen to his mother and stop living in the past. His life here was over, he had to start over…at least one day at a time.
Sighing, he told Michael yes of course he was interested. Michael began to cheer over the line that even made Ryan slightly smirk at before resting the phone between his ear and shoulder. That's when Michael asked if he needed help moving.
Now here he was, going on a year later. A lot had changed, while a lot had stayed the same. He knew even though he went back to being a temp he still acted like a jerk in as a defense shield to himself. He hated the looks and stared he got when he came back that day last summer, putting his headset on and feeling like the biggest loser ever. There were jokes, comments, and Jim and Kevin made him feel like he wanted to die. He became wrapped up with more Kelly drama, and finally he saw his chance to escape. He was falling into a horrible depression and saw he was on the verge of relapsing soon.
A few friends of his, mostly cousins were going down to Florida. His second cousin Dale was also going through a drug problem and had called him up a few weeks before hand telling him about the amazing rehab program they had going on. Thinking about it, he really didn't know if running away would solve any of his problems.
Talking it over with his mother, he told her about the rehab and both looked at it together online. It seemed nice enough and took a couple of months depending on the person. Looking at him, his mother smiled before cupping her hand and feeling the side of his face.
"I think getting away might do you some good."
So he left, and lied of course making sure nobody knew where or why he was going.
Florida was amazing, five of them in total went. Dale and him checked into the rehab the moment the plane landed. There Ryan finally found himself able to relax. He made friends quickly and was slowly starting to find the strength to really face his fears and put all those bad memories past him.
Dale and himself left rehab a month later and enjoyed the last few weeks on the beach. They flirted with girls, went out to dinner, and even surfed. One night both thought it would be funny if they bleached their hair since nearly everyone on the beach looked exactly the same. Dale nearly past out from laughing so hard when he saw Ryan's hair once it was dried.
"Nice hair Ponyboy."
Dale laughed before wiping tears from his eyes. Ryan smirked before looking at his reflection and smiled. He kinda liked it, he didn't look like himself anymore…which honestly wasn't a bad thing.
A few days before he was supposed to leave, he found himself sitting on one of the beaches watching the sunset. The sky a beautiful fire red color. Hearing the surf he sat back in the sugar colored sand and smiled.
He was ready to go back, even if he never saw Dunder Mifflin again.
Sitting there, he ran his finger through the sand before Pam suddenly came to mind. He remembered her pale, yet beautiful skin, her red hair, her smile, her gray eyes…
He snapped himself out of those thoughts, why he even had them to begin with confused him. Instead he decided that whatever happened once he came back home, he would try to make things right for once.
When he did return, he decided he wasn't going back to Dunder Mifflin. Sober, and feeling much better about himself he told his mother he was planning on getting a little part-time job before saving up to start taking business classes again. He didn't know if it would do much good, he knew he had to try.
Within a few weeks he was working at the bowling alley. Still kinda depressed, he worked his hours, got yelled at by his manager, and began getting sick at the sight of bowling shoes. But week after week he would put half of his paycheck away, knowing if he saved fast enough he would be out of here soon.
Then Michael came…
He knew he was stupid, and too much of a risk, but somehow seeing Michael and Pam together he remembered the very few good memories he had back at Dunder Mifflin and suddenly felt guilty at all the times he treated the two of them so badly. Seeing that Michael was giving him a second chance he took it.
Now here he was.
Shutting his eyes, he remembered how wonderful it felt to sink into Pam, feeling warmth and a tightness he had never felt in his life. He remembered how the room seemed to be spinning, and how even though he had been sober for months now, he felt as though he was completely high. How suddenly those few private memories they had shared through the few years they had worked together seemed to finally catch up with them. His small crush on her was now a reality and how he had never honestly ever felt so amazing in his entire life.
His back had scratch marks on it from her nails, he had checked in the bathroom while he was changing tonight.
He didn't regret what he did, but he knew she did. Everything had happened so fast, and here was the result. He wouldn't be surprised if she didn't show up tomorrow or if Jim was waiting for him with a baseball bat.
Sighing, he knew he had to talk to her about what had happened…
2005
"This is the best Dundies ever!"
Pam laughed before finishing her seventh drink. Jim smirked at her from the table before Pam slid off the stood and tried to stand up straight before giggling. Michael was wearing Ray-Bands and singing "She blinded me with science". Kevin and Creed were swaying back and forth with their hands raised while everyone else rolled their eyes and finished their meals and drinks.
Pam was enjoying her night and had drank away all her problems, most of them dealing with Roy.
Jim smiled watching her.
"You okay there chief?"
Pam made a face at him.
"I'm perfectly fine, now if you excuse me I need to go use the little girl's room."
Jim laughed as she almost stumbled before walking down the small hallway towards the door that lead to the rest rooms. Pushing it open, the loud music was muffled and the air was turned on higher. Feeling the coolness even in early September felt amazing. Pam leaned against the wall, shutting her eyes for a second before smiling.
Opening them, she saw the emergency exit and the men and ladies room a little further down.
That's when she saw Ryan.
He was leaning against the wall with his cell phone near the men's room texting. The second he heard her come in, he raised his head and looked at her.
"Hey Pam."
Pam held onto the wall as she began walking towards him.
"Hey Ryan, what's up?"
Ryan smiled before tucking his cell phone into his pants' pocket. That's when Pam noticed the Dundie award near his feet. Bursting out laughing, she stumbled over and picked it up before reading "Hottest in the office award!" Smiling, she looked at him and saw he was blushing.
"I can't believe Michael gave you this!"
Ryan tried to smile, looking very embarrassed.
"Yeah, I'm starting to think maybe Michael might have a little crush on me."
Pam began laughing again, the drinks had really gotten to her.
"Yeah well I wouldn't blame him."
Ryan's face turned an even darker shade of red before he nervously smiled and tried looking at the floor. Pam laughed before dropping the Dundie to the floor, it clinked beside their feet and surprising enough didn't break.
That's when she threw her arms around him and kissed him right on the lips.
Ryan's eyes widened as Pam slammed him up against the wall, her lips moving roughly against his.
Then she pulled away smiling. Ryan, completely out of breath stared at her shocked before Pam smiled and began laughing.
"I'm so drunk…I…need to go to the bathroom…"
She mumbled before giggling and went right into the ladies room. Ryan stood there completely stunned before his fingers went up and touched his lips. Taking his inhaler out, he gave it a good pump before catching his breath.
He barely knew Pam, in fact he had just started working at the office this past summer. Standing there, he blinked before bending down and picking up his office award. Looking at the ladies room door he knew she was just drunk, earlier he had watched her kiss Jim. Taking a deep breath he simply smiled, shook his head, and walked out back to the madness.
Present.
Ryan found himself still sitting on the couch thinking of how exactly he ended up here and worrying about how Pam would even be able to face him the next day. Rusty was still sleeping on his lap, and some late night sketch show had just started.
That's when his cell phone that sat on the coffee table in front of him rang. Ryan jumped for a second, laughing at how on edge he was and grabbed to pick it up, praying it wasn't Kelly trying yet again to have them meet up for drinks.
That was a relationship and a mistake he never wanted to go back to.
Flipping it open he laid back, one hand still petting Rusty.
"Hello?"
There was silence on the other end for a moment, then finally with great struggle he heard her voice.
"Ryan?"
Ryan sat up straight, stirring Rusty who stretched and then jumped off the couch, heading towards the kitchen for some water. Ryan fumbled for the remote and turned the volume down all the way.
"Pam, ummm…"
"Ryan I'm parked outside, would you come out?"
Ryan eyed the drawn curtains before gulping. He honestly didn't know if he could do this. Nodding he brushed a few fallen pieces of his blond hair away from his face.
"Ummm, yeah sure hold on."
He stumbled over his words before shutting his cell. Staring at it in disbelief he honestly didn't know what she was going to say. Standing up, he quickly checked himself in the mirror that hung across the room before heading for the door and going outside.
2005.
It was December 23rd and Pam was sitting in the circle for secret Santa. Sitting beside Ryan he had just received the very pricy video I-pod that had raised some eyebrows. Everyone sat in awkward silence since Michael ran out after receiving Phyllis' oven mitt. Pam had her teapot still in its box by her feet. She was touched Jim had put so much thought into her gift.
"I would be creped out by this but I really have to hand it to Michael, this is pretty awesome."
Ryan softly said, looking over the package. Everyone was softly talking while Phyllis had her head lowered across from them. Pam looked over at Ryan and smiled. He had really been pulling his weight today, even though he was extremely uncomfortable. Earlier when the party planning committee was in the meeting room going over plans, Angela asked Ryan's thoughts on which lights should have been used on the tree. Ryan looked around before shrugging.
"My family never puts a tree up."
Angela raised an eyebrow.
"What you don't celebrate Christmas?"
"Well I do…sort of, but I'm Jewish."
Pam looked up before smiling while Angela rolled her eyes.
"Great, that's just great."
Ryan looked at her.
"But Angela, wasn't Jesus Jewish?"
Angela glared at him before Ryan held back a smile and looked across at Pam who was trying to muffle her giggles with the back of her hand.
Now here they were, sitting beside each other while Ryan looked over the I-pod package. Pam smiled pointing to it.
"He got you the most gigs to, he must really like you."
Ryan made a face making Pam laugh while Jim looked up, slightly puzzled.
That night, after the horrible Yankee Swap Pam sat in the meeting room enjoying looking through the teapot she had traded with Dwight. Looking at all the personal and inside jokes she had shared with Jim over the last couple of years she couldn't help but feel flutters in her stomach that made her smile.
"How do I look?"
Pam was taken away from her thoughts as she looked over and saw Ryan standing in the doorway wearing Creed's old shirt, which seemed to fit him perfectly. Christmas hip-hop music played outside in the office as everyone happily stood around, drunk and completely forgetting the disaster Michael had caused when he ruined secret Santa. Pam right away began cracking up.
"Oh my God! How did you get that?"
Ryan did a little turn modeling it for him.
"A little trading and I got the one thing I wanted more than the I-pod."
Pam laughed while making a face, pouting her lips.
"Awww, poor Ryan."
Ryan smiled walking over, a drink in his hand.
"You should feel bad after taking away that from me. I earned it."
"Oh how's that?"
"Having Michael stare at me for the last seven months."
Pam giggled before setting down her gift.
"So looks like things are getting a little crazy.
Ryan eyed the open doorway just as Jim was spraying silly string all over Todd Packer who was fast asleep and covered in Christmas decorations. Ryan smirked before walking over.
"Ended up trading with Dwight?"
Pam smiled looking down at the teapot.
"Yeah, kinda sad he was the one who ended up with the I-pod."
Ryan looked through the window and saw Dwight still with his elf ears listening to the I-pod with a very moody look on his face. Laughing, Ryan shook his head before sitting down beside Pam.
"So what are your plans this Christmas?"
Pam shrugged, knowing Roy was in the staff kitchen with Daryl and finishing his seventh drink. Tonight she wasn't drinking since she wanted at least one person sober while they were driving back home in the snow.
"I'm spending Christmas with Roy's mother's, Roy's brother has some snowmobiles so we're planning on taking them on some trails up North. You?"
"Going to my mother's, then just hanging out…nothing special."
"Do you even celebrate Christmas?"
'Sort of, my mother is Jewish, my father wasn't. He used to make a big deal about the holidays but after he died we really don't bother. I usually just end up going drinking with a couple of my friends, nothing special."
Pam sighed looking at him, it seemed every once in a while she would notice for a young guy he was really striking. Not typically handsome, but striking. His skin was flawless, his big blue eyes sparking, and his wavy dark hair always falling to the side. Just a couple of months ago he had gotten it cut shorter which somehow made his boyish looks now look more mature and classically handsome. Once in a while she would notice herself staring at him from across the office, she would stare at him sitting at his desk and smile at how busy he always seemed to look.
She enjoyed, yet felt horrible whenever seeing how badly he was treated by Michael. She was of course amused by how creepy he acted towards him, but hated that people still referred to him as "The temp". Ryan was a nice enough guy, she just hadn't really gotten the chance to really know him yet.
The two talked for a little while, all alone and making each other laugh as the party slowly began to die down. Finally Roy poked his head in telling Pam everyone was heading to Poor Richard's. Then he looked at Ryan.
"Hey man, mind helping me with Packer, he's totally wasted."
Ryan smiled as he pulled off Creed's shirt.
"Yeah sure."
Roy went back as everyone began getting their coats and began getting ready to leave. Pam looked over her shoulder and saw Jim was just beginning to grab his bag. Getting up she smiled watching Ryan stuff the shirt into the plastic bag.
Pam knew this meant another two or so hours at Poor Richard's, having to finally drag Roy back to the car before suddenly pulling over so he could throw up. Sighing at this thought she followed the others out.
Once inside in the parking-lot, and her teapot safely put away in the car Pam buttoned his coat up tight and stared up at the sparking falling snow flakes falling. For the first time since she was a little girl she felt a sort of unspoken happiness that came just by looking at the snow. For a brief second snow wasn't a complete pain in the ass that it had turned into in Scranton, but just now something beautiful..
Just then Pam felt something hit her, breaking away from her thoughts she looked over and smiled.
Ryan was wearing his black pea coat and had rolled up a snowball and hit her. He was standing by his car while everyone gathered into different cars. Laughing, she tossed a piece of her hair behind her ear before smiling.
"Oh yeah! That's all you got!"
Bending down, she made her gloves quickly made a sloppy looking snowball before throwing it as hard as she could. It flew across and barely hit Ryan in the leg. Laughing he began to make another one as Jim began getting into his own car. He was car pooling with Oscar and Kevin. Watching Pam laugh, snow catching in her hair she looked beautiful.
Ryan's snowball hit Pam square in the chest, laughing as hard as she could she bent down and made another one. This time it hit Ryan in the shoulder, snow puffing on his coat.
The two kept laughing before Roy nearly stumbled over with Daryl by his side. Both froze before raising an eyebrow and watching Ryan and Pam. The second Pam saw this the smile died from her face as she dropped the third snowball she as planning on making.
"You ready babe?"
Pam, slightly embarrassed nodded before going around to the driver's side as they began to get in. Right before opening the door, Pam looked over and saw Ryan dusting off his coat before unlocking his own car. For a split second he glanced up and both locked eyes.
Ryan smirked before sticking his tongue out at her. Pam laughed before rolling her eyes and getting into the car. Starting the engine, she found it funny that she couldn't wait to sit beside him and laugh once they got to the bar.
Present.
Ryan grabbed his black hoddie even though it had been staying warm most nights. Zipping it up, he shoved his hands into his pockets before heading down the front steps of his house. Crickets chirped in the bushes and the sky looked a perfect velvet black.
He saw Pam's car parked in the driveway and right away felt a horrible lump in his throat. Trying to shake the nervous feeling away he heard his sneakers click against the pavement before stopping at her car. He watched her inside reach over and open the door for him to get inside. Sighing, he got in right away smelling the fresh fruity scent of her air fresher and sat down in the passenger seat. Shutting the door, he looked over at her and the silence made him feel as though he might go crazy.
Looking at her he couldn't believe it.
Just a few hours earlier the two had made love. For a brief second Ryan remembered every single detail. How his entire body felt as if they were on pinpricks. How warm and comforting she felt, and now there were now long tiny scratch marks on his back from her nails.
He couldn't believe it.
She was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, her hair tied back tight in a ponytail. She stared ahead and at first Ryan didn't know if he should be the first to say something. Finally, Pam looked at him, her eyes exhausted.
"I made a mistake."
The words seemed to echo through in Ryan's head. He knew better and looked down at his hands before nodding.
"Yeah…I know."
"Ryan, I don't want you to think I'm a bad person. For the longest time I had pretended I was happy with Roy, stayed in the shadows and put others before myself…I felt trapped. Then finally I saw my second chance with Jim…I love Jim Ryan, I don't ever want you to think I didn't."
"Then why?"
Pam bit her bottom lip, almost in deep thought.
"I don't know. Maybe because I couldn't believe how perfect things were. Sure there's some rough patches, and lately this has been one of them…but I would rather die than hurt Jim. He's made me believe in myself, I can see a future with him."
"Then what about today?"
Pam looked at him, almost as if she was in pain.
"I just lost control. I can't explain it. Ryan I've always liked you but after you went to New York you changed. You became a different person, and I know you're trying but I've seen what you really can be. I hope to be friends with you again, most of all with the two of us following Michael like this. But with everything that's happened between the two of us, most of all today…I don't want to give you the wrong idea."
Ryan rubbed his face, he felt sick.
"Pam, I wouldn't call that losing control…I mean all those other times…"
"Were nothing. I never looked at you like that. I'm so sorry Ryan but if I lost Jim I honestly don't know what I would do. I love him so much and I have to live the rest of my life with the guilt if what we did."
"So what did you come here, other than telling me it was a mistake?"
Pam looked at him as if she was struggling with what she had to say next. That's when Ryan knew, nodding he sighed.
"Oh, I know. You wanted to make sure I would never tell. Don't worry Pam, your secret is safe."
Pam's eyes then welled up with tears.
"I'm so sorry Ryan! I'm just so confused and I feel so sick. Please…"
Ryan reached over, touching her face for a second, cupping it slightly.
"Do you want me to call Michael and quit?"
"Do you want me to?"
Ryan shook his head.
"It shouldn't be weird. It's just something that happened. Trust me I know all about mistakes. Nobody ever has to know…"
Pam softly began weeping. Ryan watched her before taking a deep breath.
"I promise I'll never tell. I'm just trying to start things over Pam. I like you a lot though Pam, I meant the things I said. But I understand you don't feel the same way. Jim is a good guy, I know he would never hurt you."
Pam looked at him, her eyes glittering with tears.
"Maybe if things were different…"
Ryan shook his head.
"I know, I know. Listen, stop being upset. Everyone makes mistakes and I know you would never want to hurt Jim. Just go home and forget about it…"
"How can I?"
"You can, trust me I've made it a habit of forgetting mistakes. We'll see each other at work and just pretend as if nothing happened. We'll go back to being annoyed with each other."
Pam smiled through her tears.
"I'm sorry again Ryan."
Ryan leaned over, gently kissing her cheek.
"See you at work?"
Pam nodded trying to smile. Ryan nodded before getting out of the car. Shoving his hands back in his pockets he headed back to the house, tears building in his own eyes and feeling grateful that his back was facing Pam. Hearing her car backup, he quickly went up the stairs before wiping his eyes.
Later that night…
Pam laid awake in her bed, staring up at the ceiling and feeling sick to her stomach.
How could she even face Jim?
When she got home she took a long hot shower, nearly scrubbing her skin off, wanting to make sure Jim would never know what she had done. She honestly didn't know what was wrong with her? Was she an idiot? Here after all these years of heartbreak she had found her soul mate and what did she do? One little argument she turned her back and fucked the biggest jerk she knew?
She prayed Ryan was right about keeping his mouth shut, she knew if Jim ever found out it would break his heart.
That's when the door open and her heart caught in her chest. Jim walked in grinning ear to ear, happily drink and looking very tried. Tossing his suit jacket to the side, he smiled before unbuttoning his shirt.
"Hey Pam."
Pam nervously smiled looking at him.
"Have fun with your brothers?"
Jim nodded before laughing. Kicking off his shoes, he crawled into bed. Pam had never felt so nervous before in her life. Holding back tears, she watched him as he crawled over and felt like a monster knowing what she did.
Kissing her forehead, he laid beside her.
"I'm sorry Pam about today. I acted like a jerk…"
Pam snuggled up close to him and clutching into him for dear life. Nearly burying her head against his chest, she smiled before sniffling away her tears.
"Don't ever feel sorry…I love you Jim. I love you so much…"
Jim raised an eyebrow smirking before wrapping his arms around her.
"I love you to Beesly."
Kissing his chest, Pam held onto him tighter before shutting her eyes and slipping away.
Five hours later…
"Pam wake up."
Pam's eyes fluttered open, half awake before Jim, who's hair was sticking up handed her the cell phone. Right away the reality hit her all over again and Pam felt her stomach toss, for just a few hours she had forgotten the terrible thing she had done.
Blinking, she looked at the clock.
It was almost four in the morning.
"Who is it?"
"Sounds like Michael…"
Jim said in a sleepy voice before giving her the phone. Pam took it before clearing her throat.
"Hello?"
"GOOD MORNING PAM!"
Pam held back the cell before shaking her head. Michael's voice this early was a bit too much."
"Come outside I have something to show you!"
"Wait? Your outside right now?"
"Come on Pam your gonna love it!"
Pam hung up the phone before shaking her head. It was way too early for this. Glancing over, Jim was all ready fast asleep again. Smiling, she rubbed his side before slipping out of bed and grabbing her light jacket.
Outside…
Pam stopped dead in her tracks.
Parked outside was a horrible ugly van. Michael was jumping up and down as Ryan leaned against it.
Pam slowly walked over.
"What the hell is this?"
"Our new delivery truck! I just got it tonight!"
Pam looked at the Japanese writing on it and raised an eyebrow before Ryan smirked.
"It was either this or an old school bus that an owl was living in."
Pam stared at him, it all seemed too soon after what happened. Flashes of them laying on the poker table went through her mind. Taking a deep breath, she shoved these thoughts away.
Smiling, she stood beside him as Michael showed off the new van.