"Curse you, Marius and Ludwig!"
Bowser had just been kicked into the lava by a pair of German plumbers that he had called upon to fix the many pipes in his castle. He was always getting these two to fix his constant plumbing problems, even though they were The brothers, who wore white shirts, red (in Marius's case) and green (in Ludwig's case) lederhosen, and hats with swastikas on them to match their Hitler-style mustaches (yup, they are German stereotypes, just as Mario and Luigi are Italian stereotypes xD) gave each other a high-five and hopped down the nearest pipe.
"Why – the hell – are they always trying to beat me up, those damn Nazi wannabes!"
"Sire, your mail-order bride has arrived."
Kamek helped Bowser to haul himself out of the lava. Bowser took the lift to the bottom floor of the castle.
"Greetings, Your Highness. My name is Sofia von Shellz, and I believe that I am the bride that you ordered."
Bowser was immediately turned off by her accent.
"GRAAAWR! NOT ANOTHER GERMAN!"
"Your Highness, I am actually Austrian," Sofia said.
"Pardon him," said Kamek. "He has been given quite a bit of trouble by a pair of plumbers of the German persuasion. And if you ask me, I don't think they are really even German."
"Well, King Koopa, if I may call you that-"
"Please, call me Bowser."
"Bowser, then. Would you happen to have a fine concert piano for me to play?"
"Nope."
"A violin?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Any sort of musical instrument?"
"Well instruments of torture can be pretty musical…"
Sofia sighed. Every bit as uncultured as I thought.
Kamek whispered to Bowser. "You need to do it tonight. Your child has to be born on August the thirteenth (Koji Kondo's birthday; he's the guy who composed the score for a lot of the Mario games) if you desire a child with the perfect horoscope to be ruler."
Bowser grunted. "What if she doesn't come on that quick?"
"Charm her. Try to show some culture. Buy her a concert piano."
Bowser cleared his throat. "Ahem… how about I, uh, buy you the finest concert piano that money can buy?"
Sofia said, "Well unless it's made of gold, it's unlikely to be finer than the one I have back in Vienna."
"No worries, madam. I will have it here for the wedding tonight."
"We are getting married tonight?"
"Why, certainly, dear. I have been planning the wedding, with your tastes in mind, since I saw your beautiful face up on the list for mail order."
Bowser pulled Sofia around and kissed her cheek.
"Now I shall escort you to my finest guest bedroom while I get things organized."
Sofia pouted as she rested under the fine silky linen. Shouldn't the woman plan the wedding?
"TROOPS! I NEED YOU ALL TO ORGANIZE A FANCY AUSTRIAN-STYLE WEDDING HERE IN MY PALACE'S BALLROOM, AND I NEED IT TO HAPPEN TONIGHT!"
Kamek started giving orders to everyone. The kitchen staff got to work baking a gigantic cake. Bowser roared and breathed fire out of stress whenever one of his troops approached him. Sofia was only allowed out of the room to have her hair and makeup done and to be fitted for a wedding dress that Bowser had picked out for her.
Bowser paced laps through the castle, shouting at his henchmen to do a better job at whatever they were doing.
"MORE ICING ON THAT CAKE!"
"YOU CALL THAT A CLASSICAL MUSIC ARRANGEMENT?"
"ARE THESE ROSES IMPORTED? MY SOFIA WANTS IMPORTED ROSES!"
"THAT DIAMOND ISN'T BIG ENOUGH!"
"THAT VINTAGE CHAMPAGNE ISN'T VINTAGE ENOUGH!"
"Sire…"
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Bowser nearly blew Kamek's cap off with his fiery rage.
"Um, preparations are going well, except we are missing a few things…
"You see, we need a flower girl, and a ring bearer…"
Bowser grabbed a Paratroopa and a Paragoomba that were hanging up wedding banners.
"He shall be the ring bearer and she shall be the flower girl."
"Uumm, sir, this Paratroopa's a boy."
Bowser ripped a pink bow off of one of the decorative banners and put it on the Paratroopa's head. "Now he's a girl."
"A-and there is one more thing that we will be having an issue with getting... deep breaths, sire… the golden piano."
Bowser drew a deep breath and swallowed the fire that had formed in his throat. "And why would that be?"
"Sire, the only solid gold concert piano that I know of is owned by the crown of the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Well we will just have to steal it!"
"B-but Sire, couldn't we just borrow it? It would be imprudent of you to create cause for any enmity between Dark Land and the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Whatever. I will be conquering their asses someday anyway. Borrow it, but don't return it. It shall be a wedding gift for my dear Sofia."
"Yes Sire."
"What is taking so LONG!" Bowser roared an hour later. "I cannot start this wedding without that piano!"
"We got it, Sire! We had to empty out half the treasury just to borrow it for tonight, but we got it!"
Kamek cleared a space for the Magikoopas to set the piano down.
Even Bowser was impressed by the sheer magnificence of the solid 24 carat gold instrument. He rubbed his claws over it, lightly so as not to scratch it, and he could feel how soft the pure gold was.
"You can play that fancy song that they always play at the start of a wedding, can't you?"
"Pachelbel's Canon, Sire. And yes." Kamek hopped onto the piano and immediately began playing.
"Aah, yes, that piano sounds as good as it looks!" Bowser hummed off-key to the music. "And you do remember to play 'Here Comes The Bride' when she walks down the aisle, and that other song after we kiss-"
"The Wedding March, Sire. And yes, I know how to do a wedding. I played for your parents'."
Bowser banged on the bride's door. "HURRY UP, MY BRIDE! TIME TO DO THE WEDDING!"
Sofia grudgingly exited the room in her dress, holding a bouquet, with her hair and makeup done, but hidden under the veil.
Bowser tried to remove the veil but Sofia slapped him.
As soon as Sofia was visible, Kamek began to play "Here Comes The Bride". Sofia ogled the piano, impressed that the oaf she was marrying actually came through for her. When they reached the end of the aisle, Kamek went to the front to read off the vows.
The Paragoomba came with the ring, which also impressed Sofia. It was a brilliant-cut diamond bigger than her eyeball.
"Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, I do," said Bowser.
"I do," said Sofia, biting her tongue the moment afterwards.
They kissed, neither one quite so impressed with the other's kissing skills, and Kamek flew back to the piano to play "The Wedding March".
"You are now Queen Consort Sofia Koopa," declared Bowser.
"Queen Consort Sofia VON Koopa," Sofia corrected.
"By the way, that piano is yours. Oh, and if any repo men come to take it, don't let them, they're just fakes who are trying to steal it."
"I would like to sample the cake now, if you don't mind," said Sofia, her tone indicating an attitude of snobbish European disdain for other countries' desserts.
"OK, my dear, I shall find you a plate now-"
The cake exploded. Two figures dressed in raccoon shoots leaping out were the cause.
"DAMN THEM!" Bowser shouted.
Marius and Ludwig began stomping on the Goombas and kicking Koopa shells around.
Sofia turned hot with rage.
"NOBODY CRASHES MY WEDDING!"
Sofia shouted German swears at them, burnt their raccoon suits off with her fire breath, grabbed their heads and banged them together, and tossed them into the lava.
"Sorry about them," Bowser said sheepishly.
"Well I don't think they will be bothering us again. Not a bad cake, considering it wasn't made out of fresh, raw, organic ingredients."
Kamek tugged at the sleeve of Bowser's tux. "Right now," he mouthed to them.
"Um, okay, how about we go to bed now?"
"What, no slow-dancing?"
"What, you want to dance in a ballroom with cake splattered everywhere? We can dance later after the henchmen clean it up."
Bowser stared into the small pupils of Sofia's large eyes.
"Sofia, do you find me… handsome?"
"Um… yes," Sofia said out of politeness, admitting to herself that she actually did find him to be rather handsome. "But as far as I am concerned, it is what is on the inside that counts."
"Well, believe me, there is plenty of goodness on the inside as well," Bowser said, winking and growling. "Now let's go to bed."
"Wait, what's with the hurry to get me in the bed?"
"Umm…" Bowser did not want to tell her the real reason; that he was doing so on an astrologer's recommendation, lest she scoff at him for being superstitious.
"It's a longstanding Koopa family tradition to sleep with each other within an hour of marriage."
"Well, if you insist…" Sofia sighed. Might as well get it over with…