The Melancholy of Mathias Køhler II - Forming a Club

End of class. I stretched my arms up, and noticed Mathias get up and leave. That certainly wasn't in his normal routine-

'Oi, Norge!' Oh. Just Feliks. 'You, like, totally must have used magic or something!'

'What are you on about..?'

'Like, Mathias talking for more than five minutes! What d'ya say to him?'

...come to think of it, what did I say? Just whatever came to mind, mostly.

'It's totally a sign of the apocalypse!'

'No, Norge's always had a thing for weird guys.' ...takk. And here I thought the Lithuanian was on my side.

'Don't say things like that. Someone'll get the wrong idea.' And people already think I'm just that silent, slightly feminine-looking guy with the hairclip.

'I'd like to know too, da?' Ivan Braginsky had somehow appeared behind me. As if he wasn't creepy enough with that incessant smile... 'After all, I've tried to get Køhler to open up to the class, but he simply won't budge. So how did you manage?'

'No idea.' I didn't really feel like talking to Ivan now.

'Still, I'd be worried if he kept himself away from everyone, so it's good he has a friend, da?'

'Friend? Please.' That implies things going both ways.

'Ufu... Well, keep it up, whatever you're doing. Friends are wonderful! So if I need to tell Køhler anything, I'll go through you. Okey?'

'No, that's not ok.' I'm not responsible for that fool!

'Pleeeeease...'

Yes, because that's definitely going to work.

At long last, we were to be moved around into different seats in the classroom. Finally, I can get away from that crazy-

you're kidding, right?

Nope. Nobody was kidding. Mathias Køhler had once again been placed behind me. At least this time I had a window to aimlessly stare out of...

...oh, to hell with this. There was still more to ask him.

'They say you joined every club in the school. Find any interesting ones?'

'None at all.' Wait, he replied straight away! 'I thought stuff'd get more interesting in high school, but it's all the same, boring, normal clubs! Maybe I'm in the wrong school...'

Dread to think what drew him to this one.

'There was the Mystery Research Club, but they'd never had a single case! Useless! No luck with the Occult Society either, they were all freaks! Maaaaan, I'm so bored! You'd think in a school like this there'd be something interesting!'

I sighed. 'You can't help it if there aren't any. Besides, people who can't find what they want make their own stuff and invent thi-'

'Shut up!' he interrupted. Loudly. I've noticed that if Mathias wants something, he'll be really loud about it.

Well, knowing my luck, it was probably that conversation that gave him ideas...

Ideas that preferably don't involve grabbing the back of my collar and pulling me back onto his desk. Forcefully.

'The hell's your problem?' I yelled back, springing out of my chair to face him. Normally I don't shout, but that frigging hurt.

'I've got an idea!' Oh. Oh dear. I have never seen Mathias this cheerful. From what I've seen, this may not be a good sign. 'I dunno why I didn't think of it before! I mean, it's obvious! If it doesn't exist... I make it myself!'

'Make what?'

'A club, silly! What's your problem?' Funny, isn't that what I just asked him?

'My problem is that we're in the middle of a lesson.' I mean, ja, it's a school, we actually do work! Everyone was looking straight at us, each with an identical expression that said, quite clearly, 'what in the name of flying mint bunnies was going on?' I apologised for the idiot and sat myself back down.

Yeah, you can see where this is going. The millisecond class ended, he dragged me out at full speed. By my tie. I'll have to remember that one, could be useful as revenge.

'You're going to help!' Is this what... helplessness feels like? Because now he'd started, there was no way I was stopping Hurricane Mathias.

'What do you need me for?'

'My club, idiot!'

'Ok, first of all, why do you need my help? It's your club, it was your idea. Second of all, I'd much prefer it if you weren't hanging onto my tie.'

Of course, he didn't let go. 'I'll find a room and members, you handle the paperwork!'

Glad to know his ears are in perfect working order. Shame the brain is disconnected.

'I don't even know what sort of club this is. Care to inform me?'

'Who cares about that! Making the club comes first! Get all the paperwork done before school ends today and I'll find us a clubroom!'

And with that highly forceful order, he left. What the heck have I let myself in for..?

Just as a side note, I'm not entirely sure how Mathias hasn't picked up on that one strand of hair that floats next to my head. Yeah. Floats. No, I don't know why it does. But surely that comes under the definition of 'abnormal'? Still, I'm kinda glad. If that's how he's going to treat a 'normal' person, I dread to think what would happen if he noticed. And I'd prefer it if people didn't pull it. Seriously.

Ahem. Rules for making a club. If he'd bothered to read it, Mathias would have found them in the back of the Student Handbook... but I digress.

Must have at least five members. Good luck roping people in, Mathias.

Must have a teacher present. Nobody in their right minds would oversee this.

Must have a name. Well, that much is obvious.

Must have someone in charge. Gosh, I wonder who that might be.

Must contribute to school life or make things more fun. For him, yes. No-one else.

This is going to turn out wonderfully well.

And so, after a long day of attempting to cram information into a brain that doesn't give a crap, Mathias grabbed my tie again. This time, he was dragging me along so fast I barely knew where we were going-

'This is our new clubroom!' Hmm. That's where we were going. Should have figured.

'I don't know where we are, though. We never come down this way.'

'This is the Cultural Department! There's an Art room for the Art Club, a Music room for the Wind Ensemble, and then there's the generic rooms up here! This one's for the Literary Club!'

'Then... surely it's the Literary Club's room?'

'Yeah, yeah. All the members left in the summer. If there are no members, that means there's no-one using the room! Only one ever in here is this guy!'

'So it has got members.'

'Yeah, but I asked and he's fine with it as long as he can stay and read! I guess some people are just odd like that...' Says the one who barely talks to anyone unless they're an alien.

The blond looked up from his book. He adjusted his glasses. 'Berwald Oxenstierna.' he mumbled, before going straight back to his reading.

'Berwald? You... do know that this idiot wants to use your room, do you?'

'...mm.' He nodded in approval. Just about.

'Are... you ok with that?' Because I certainly wouldn't want Mathias rampaging around my clubroom if I had one...

'...'s fine.'

'See? Told ya!' ...What happened to grumpy Mathias? This Mathias was starting to annoy me... 'I'm gonna book this room for after school, so you'd better show up! If ya don't, it's the death penalty!'

'Fine...' After all, dying is bad for you and may be fatal.

Mathias and I left and wandered outside. It'd be a nice day if I had any eardrums left.

'We need at least two more club members,' Mathias mused.

'Two? You're including Berwald?' Oh yeah. Get your clubroom today! Now with no added sugar and a free club member!

'Of course! And don't worry, I've got a couple of ideas...'

Ideas. Just great.

After the end of school the next day-

'I'll meet ya there!' Mathias shouted in my face and ran off. And here I thought my eardrums would have a chance to recover. No such luck, I guess.

When I got to the clubroom, only Berwald was there. Due to complete boredom, I attempted to start a conversation with the monosyllabic guy. I'm not exactly the most social person in Northern Europe, but the silence was killing me.

'So, uh... what're you reading?' To which he held up his book. In front of his face. I hadn't had much of a look at his face, since he'd been reading, but it's not the sort of face you'd want to run into in a dark alley. I didn't recognise the title of the book, but it looked like some kind of humongous sci-fi epic type novel.

'O...k... is it good?' He carried on reading.

'...unique.'

'Uh... which part's unique?' This was... a difficult conversation, to say the least.

'All'f it.'

'Ok, you... like books.'

'...bit.'

'You're from Sweden, right?'

'...mm.' Mostly I figured that was a noise of agreement.

The silence lasted for a while longer, and I really wanted to leave-

then Hurricane Mathias came blasting through the door.

'Ahahah, sorry I'm late because it took me a while to catch this one!' He pulled a smaller boy through the doorway. Violet eyes, blond hair and a cute face? Wonder why Mathias picked him?

...did I mention the cute face? Seriously, he's adorable.

'W-where am I..?' he stammered. Out of the corner of my eye, I think I saw Berwald paying a little more attention to him than he was to his book, but I could easily be seeing things. 'W-why did you bring me here..?' He turned to face Mathias. 'A-ack! Why are you locking the door? Wha-'

'Be quiet,' Mathias said menacingly.

The boy gulped.

'Allow me to introduce Tino Väinämöinen!' Mathias flung one arm around him and grinned. Berwald and I were silent, although I think he was still looking rather than reading. So much for introductions.

'So... where did you kidnap this one from?'

'Hej, I didn't kidnap anyone. Tino came on his own! Found him daydreaming in the second-year class. I check everywhere every breaktime. Noticed him once or twice, and well, here he is!'

That'll be why I never saw him around school.

'Wait... did you say he's a second-year?'

'Yeah, so?'

I looked at the boy. 'Tino, right? Why d'you pick him?'

'Isn't it obvious? Look at him! He's adorable!' Oh, wonderful. One more thing to add to the list of things wrong with Mathias. He's a pervert. 'In every situation you need at least one cute character! Someone with glasses, a maid costume, anything to serve someone's fetish!'

'So... you dragged this poor boy all the way here because he's cute and tiny?'

'Yup!' Another of those grins. He really is an idiot... 'Our club needs a mascot! Say, Tino, are you a member of any other clubs now?'

'U-uh... the Cookery Club...'

'Well, forget about that, it'll just get in the way of our club's activities!'

Tino looked incredibly worried. He looked around the clubroom slowly-

then saw Berwald. If anything, he was now even more terrified.

'O-ok... but I don't know what the Literary Club does...'

'Oh, we're not the Literary Club, Tino.' There was a rather worrying note of glee in Mathias' voice...

'We're borrowing the room, and the club's something that this idiot thought up so it could be anything. We don't even have a name yet. And that's Berwald Oxenstierna reading over there - the real Literary Club member-'

'Got it!' Does Mathias have no sense of conversation? 'I know what we're going to call ourselves!'

Oh goody. Cue drum roll.

'The SOS Brigade!'

...what?

Yeah. The:

'Spreading Excitement All Over the World Without Stopping for a Coffee Break - Mathias Køhler Brigade'.

Catchy, isn't it? Technically, we should be the SOS Organisation or something, but we can't form an organisation yet.

And so, the seemingly random group of people that had been variously kidnapped got itself a rather nonsensical name. Now I'm stuck with it.

What did I do to deserve this?

A/N: So yes, Sweden as Yuki and Finland as Mikuru. That just leaves the 'mysterious transfer student'! Oooh, the mystery!

And the Nordic nations are all among the highest coffee drinkers in the world, and with the 'Suzumiya' gone I had to make up something.

Next chapter, Mathias abuses Tino for fun and profit. And a computer.

Until next time, farvel~