It was around seven o'clock in the morning when I got out of bed, despite the fact I hadn't slept at all. I was exhausted but there was no point in laying around when there was work to be done. The first thing I did was stumble down the hallway to the bathroom so I could take a very long shower and sift through some of my thoughts.
As I lathered the shampoo, I thought about how long it would take for my hair to grow back now that I wouldn't have to cut it ever again. One of the things I missed most was my beautiful, long hair. After I phased for the first time, my beautiful silky hair was all that I had left of the old me – the Leah that was happy and truly loved by Sam. I clung to that last remnant of my past life for as long as Sam would allow, but in the end, Sam said I needed to cut my hair because I looked like a giant, grey Pomeranian and it slowed me down. I flat out refused and Sam finally ordered me to cut it. I wept the whole time I cut it and I didn't stop crying for days.
The guys all agreed that I was freaking out over nothing; that it was just hair and it would grow back. But it wasn't just hair, it was the same hair that Sam used play with, brush his fingers through and Sam knew exactly how much my hair meant to me. In my eyes it was an especially low blow, adding insult to injury. I was beyond hurt and it pushed me over the edge. After that, I took the psychological warfare to a whole new level. It wasn't just Sam who suffered, anymore. I attacked the whole pack – everyone – because I wanted to inflict my pain on everyone; make sure everyone was as miserable as I was. I was successful at first, everyone was miserable. I found sick pleasure in torturing my brothers. Sam was the first to sense the satisfaction I'd been getting out of their misery and that's when he knew exactly how far gone I was. He stopped being miserable and just pitied me and the pack followed his lead. When the pity wore off, they just plain hated me. Actually, they just hated having me around. Even Sam wished I'd just disappear.
While the guys didn't exactly hate my guts, they sure as heck didn't love me either, well actually Embry seemed to like me fine (I blushed ), and so did the rest of the members of Jacob's pack, but I knew a few of the others were harboring a lot of resentment and rightfully so. I wished that I'd attempted to be part of the pack – part of the family – because it sure would have made things a lot easier for me.
The worst part about those days, the part that I am most ashamed of, is that I targeted Embry because he was the quietest member of the pack. Also, his heritage was a bit of a controversy as his father could only be one of three men – all of which were married (and not to his mother) at the time of his conception. I brought it up a lot because it was the most effective tool I had when it came to inflicting pain on the whole pack.
I approached Embry the first day he joined Jacob's pack and I apologized about how cruel I'd been to him. Of course Embry, being the amazing guy that he is, sincerely forgave me. He told me that it was in the past and not to worry about it anymore. His reaction only made me feel worse because I realized that only a complete monster would attack someone with such a pure heart. Embry told me that he knew I wasn't doing well back then and while that wasn't an excuse for my actions, it was understandable. Embry could have been bitter and hateful but he wasn't, he took the high road and he just let go of the past; let bygones be bygones; Embry turned the other cheek. Embry had a heart of gold.
Why can't I be like be like Embry? I wondered.
Early this morning I came to the conclusion that the only thing that was keeping me in this perpetual state of unhappiness was my unwillingness to let go; to forgive and move on. It was clear I was only successful in making myself miserable these days. Sam moved on despite – no, in spite of the fact I was languishing. Sam was living without me and doing just fine.
Could I let go, just like Sam did? Did I want to? Yes.
My mind switched gears as I started to shave my legs. My thoughts to meandered to the previous nights events – the time spent alone with Embry. Embry. My face - hell, my whole body – flushed bright red as I recalled the timid, gentle way his fingers caressed my arms before he enthusiastically manhandled me. I loved the manhandling part but the gentleness right before, made me weak in my knees and I got all goose pimply. Kissing Embry was, to be completely honest, much better then kissing Sam. Sam was always good at kissing but Embry was just better at it. And Embry's eyes, the way he looked at me, made me feel special. I tried to remember his scent; light woodsy smell with a little spice…or was it musk? Both? Whatever it was, it made me feel tipsy; giddy.
I acknowledged that the previous night was a disaster – by anyone's standards – ending with me crying and alone. Pretty sad. But there were some really good things that came from the whole experience, too.
The truth was, I hadn't felt beautiful or feminine in a long time and Embry helped me remember I was both of those things. I thought of the words he said, all those sweet words - words I never imagined I'd hear from him. I reveled in knowing that he wanted to be with me. I beamed because it was nice to know that I was still an object to be desired, and most importantly, it was nice to know that someone loved me like that.
I knew I was stupid to be thinking about these things – about Embry – because it was never going to go anywhere. But I still felt fortunate to have this memory to cling to, a memory that wasn't completely tainted with Sam, like everything else was. And even though things didn't go the way I'd originally wanted them to, I was okay with it. I was grateful that Embry was man enough to stop things before either of us got hurt, before I got hurt. He really loves me.
I smiled.
I wondered when it was that he fell in love with me. We'd spent virtually every day together since he and Quil joined Jacob's pack, which, was right after my promotion to beta. I remember Quil being pretty ticked about my status as beta and I found that pretty amusing, so I sort of went out of my way to flaunt my new power. But Embry, he never seemed to have an issue with my being Jacob's second, although, I never picked up on any special feelings, at least nothing out of the ordinary. I concluded that he must have started to like me sometime after I stopped phasing and going on patrols, which was right after we got back from the "fight" with the Volturi – only a few weeks ago.
Since then, we spent most days together, just hanging out and talking about whatever; our plans for the future, our dreams and even a ridiculous, on-going discussion about whether or not anchovies ruined a pizza (he is pro-anchovy and I am not). All that time figured the only reason he was spending time with me because both of his friends ditched him for their ridiculously young imprintees. Well, I figured it was that or the possibility that he felt sorry for me – whichever reason it was, I didn't care because I just appreciated the company.
Whether or not I loved Embry, was unclear. Yes, I liked him. But did I love him? Was this just lust mixed with flattery? Was I just trying to fill a void inside? Whatever it was that I felt for him – beyond friendship – didn't really matter. It's not like he'd ever want to know, or did he? I shook the thought out of my head and I tried to force myself to think of something else.
My thoughts were interrupted when Seth pounded on the door. "Holy crap Leah, how long do you need to shower for?"
"Give me a second okay." I finished rinsing off and proceeded to shut off the water and get out. I wrapped my towel around my body and opened the door.
"I've had to pee for a while" Seth said as he brushed past me and slammed the door.
"Hey baby brother, you could always go pee in the woods, it's not like you haven't done it before."
"And you could always bathe in the river, but you still don't" Seth yelled.
"I love you Seth." I yelled through the door.
When I got to my room, I dressed in a pair of jeans and a cute shirt and then I put on the only shoes that fit me, my flip flops.
As I stood, fully clothed in the mirror, I styled my hair, a difficult task because I had the single-most hideous hair cut in the world. After my hair was looking semi-decent I applied some black eyeliner, some chapstick and a little blush. I spent a few minutes plucking my unruly eyebrows and trimming and filing my finger nails; things that I'd neglected for the past year and a half.
I looked in the mirror, semi-pleased with my appearance, seeing a shadow of my former self looking back at me. I looked older, small bags under my eyes and I didn't have a youthful gleam in my eyes anymore. I was also much taller then I used to be and I was much thinner; gaunt, with long sinewy limbs. I looked like one of those runway models that could benefit from a hot meal.
It felt strange looking in the mirror and examining myself because it was something I hadn't done for a long time. My mouth no longer turned up at the corners, in the perpetual smile that used to cause Sam to melt. "I'll look better when I grow my hair out." I said out loud to no one but myself, trying to reassure my ego that I'd sort of be able to recover my former beauty, someday.
After spending far too long in front of the mirror, I decided it was time to go. I sighed, grabbed my backpack and jumped out my bedroom window, not wanting to attract any attention by leaving through the front door.
When I got outside I started walking in the direction of leech land.