characters/pairings: Sebastian/Blaine

author's notes: Sebastian and Blaine as Damon and Elena from The Vampire Diaries. spoilers TVD 4x22 - Graduation. title taken from Say You're Sorry by Sara Bareilles.

day 2: tv shows

WHAT YOU REFUSE TO SAY TO ME

He's sure it wasn't always like this. Before he was a vampire he managed some ounce of control when Sebastian fucked up, every time his actions led to someone close to him getting hurt, or worse, killed. Before, he held back, buried his anger somewhere deep inside where even he couldn't reach, because getting angry at Sebastian was like fighting fire with fire, it ended up making things worse, making Sebastian worse, and he couldn't afford that happening.

But right now he's tethering on the edge, ready to explode, his hands balled into fists as he searches the house for Sebastian.

Sebastian's gotten him to this point so many times, got him to shake where he stood while he shouted abuse at him, but he'd never hit him. It was cathartic, walking over to Sebastian and hitting him square in the face, because he got forced to feel this panic of loss again and becoming a vampire had in no way made him stronger–physically, yes, but emotionally he feels everything more intense, his emotional scars never quite heal.

And Sebastian had been so goddamn cavalier about it, like his life didn't mean anything in the grander scheme of making him human again, only Sebastian had to know, he simply had to–

He would die for the people he loves.

His anger still reigns strong, a darkness eating at his soul, the animal inside growing stronger. He needs Sebastian to value his own life the way he's chosen to value his. Why does it always have to be one or the other? Both their lives matter.

He finds Sebastian in the living room in front of the fireplace–he plans on apologizing, he should have said what Sebastian means to him rather than act on his anger, but Sebastian doesn't usually leave him with many rational thought. He has to say it now, there's nothing standing in their way, no Klaus or Silas, no sire bond or mortality. They can finally be something.

But before he gets the chance, Sebastian says "I wanted to apologize," and he stops dead in his tracks. He doesn't hear those words leave Sebastian's mouth very often so he's taken by surprise, and maybe he expects too much, maybe he's too lenient, but he wants to give Sebastian a chance to explain himself.

He crosses his arms over his chest. "Good."

"I said I wanted to," Sebastian responds immediately. "But I'm not sorry."

His arms fall to his sides, renewed anger pulling him a step closer. "You'd rather die than be human?" he asks, a strange sensation cutting through him where his heart used to beat. It's pain, fusing with the anger making him shake, it's entitlement sired by the rising knowledge that he's the one who makes Sebastian feel alive too.

Tears sting at the corners of his eyes. "How can you expect me to be okay with that?"

"I didn't say you were supposed to be okay with it," Sebastian says, staring into the fire. "I just said I'm not sorry. Because you know what I really am?" Sebastian looks at him, the flames setting his eyes ablaze.

"Selfish."

Sebastian says the word like he's said it a thousand times, like it's become synonymous with him.

He knows this. He's always known this. He's only ever hoped it could be different.

"I make bad choices that hurt you," Sebastian adds.

Yes, he thinks, Sebastian's hurt him again, they're here making excuses again, trying to make sense of this push-pull relationship they've been flirting with for the past three years. Sebastian's never apologized and he never had to, because he's forgiven him for every trespass, every heartbreak. At the end of the day, through sickness and heartache and even death, he needs Sebastian by his side.

And sometimes he's really left to wonder why.

"Yes, I'd rather die than be human," Sebastian says. "I'd rather die right now than spent a handful of years with you only to die when I'm old and sick and miserable and you're still you.

"I'd rather die right now than spent my last few years remembering how good I had it and how happy I was because that's who I am, Blaine. And I'm not going to change."

He's not sure if he wants Sebastian to change. His outburst happened because of how close he'd come to losing Sebastian, again, and this time the cure was an immediate solution to the problem. Sebastian's selfishness had stood in the way of something he wants from him, something that's been at the tip of his tongue for such a long time now, but Sebastian makes it so hard to say. Every single time.

Sebastian's eyes keep him pinned in place. "There's no apology in the world that includes all the reasons that I'm wrong for you."

Selfish, an apt term to describe their entire relationship. It was never like this with Hunter. Being with Hunter came easy, he gave him time and space to make up his mind, to figure out if loving a vampire was a sane choice to begin with. Sebastian seems an even less sane choice than Hunter had been three years ago.

He knows Sebastian won't change.

But Hunter had realized something Sebastian can't see, something Sebastian takes for granted or simply accepts in ways Hunter's still not able to: he's the one who's changed.

.

There was a time where Blaine would've left it at this, would've heard all his selfish reasons for not taking that cure, lingered a few moments longer to let him feel the weight of the pain he was causing, and then left without another word to let him stew. But Blaine has changed, he knows he won't like what comes next, Blaine reads him too well, maybe because he's let him in too often.

"Fine."

Blaine's eyes shine with tears and he hates himself for it, but he keeps doing this, he keeps finding new ways to hurt Blaine. Hunter never did, he made the right choices, knew how to read Blaine's moods without pushing him too far in the process. He never knows when to stop.

"Then I'm not sorry either."

His eyes find Blaine's, burning with conviction. "I'm not sorry I met you," Blaine says.

He remembers him well, that sweet innocent boy he ran into when he returned to Mystic Falls, a boy unsure of his future, unaware of what that future would bring–a boy who was about to lose everything.

"I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything."

Blaine's heartbreak didn't start with him, but knowing him has only made things worse.

He loves Blaine, it's a certainty that had seeded itself under his skin, but this entire town would have been better off without him and Hunter. Somewhere deep down though, selfishly, he hopes he took up some kind of meaningful place, if not in Blaine's heart than at least in his life.

"That in death you're the one that made me feel most alive."

Look at that boy now. Strong after being broken so often, alive without a heartbeat. He takes comfort in the thought that he managed to guide Blaine in his life as vampire, the one thing his brother was unable to do. Hunter tried, but his inability to accept what he is stood in the way of helping Blaine.

"You've been–a terrible person," Blaine says, and something dull aches at the center of him, the part of him that pushes people away, keeps them at arm's length.

"You've made all the wrong choices."

He prefers a punch to the face to this, to Blaine cutting him down to his building blocks, everything he is founded on boiling down to one principle: the only person he trusts is himself. Of all the things Blaine's ever said this hurts the most, because if Blaine knows him so well why does he keep begging things from him he's unable to give?

Blaine knows he won't change, he's not capable of changing.

"And of all the wrong choices I have yet to make this will prove to be the biggest one."

Blaine takes a deep breath.

"But I'm not sorry that I'm in love with you."

It strikes like lightning.

His lips part and his face falls, Blaine's eyes big and bright and true and yet there's still something inside him that hesitates, a little voice at the back of his head telling him he doesn't get lucky, he never gets to be happy. He's fucked up too often, did horrible things all in the name of his nature so he doesn't get this. He doesn't get the boy of his dreams.

"I love you, Sebastian," Blaine says and he shoots forward, closing the distance between them before the confession evaporates or proves to be a dream, before all of this slips from his fingers like grains of sand.

"I love you," Blaine repeats and his hands are on Blaine's face and then their lips are touching and he kisses Blaine for what seems the first time, only it isn't, and something tells him it won't be the last.

"I love you," Blaine whispers against his lips, over and over again, until somewhere in the mix of all it he allows himself to feel it too, becomes a little more selfish again so he can forget he fell in love with his brother's boyfriend, how he's hurt Blaine and will keep hurting him and how terrible a choice this really is.

He kisses Blaine until they're both dizzy, until they've lost all sense of who they were, where they are and what the future will bring.

"I love you too," he whispers, here, now, but he doesn't plan on letting go.

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