A/N: Edited as of December 24, 2010.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
And promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

-Carrie Underwood,
I Just Can't Live a Lie

Calls for Christmas

Chapter Two

One Year Later/Christmas Eve

Charlotte and the twins bounced wildly around the cluster of presents at the base of Alice's Christmas tree. Like every year, my friend had outdone herself in the decorations department, and it looked as if Charlotte had taken after her mother's sense of style. Apparently, the nine year old had arranged the indoor Christmas display all on her own, a point she had stressed when she led me on a grand tour of the living room, with its various streams of garland and lights.

I was touched that Alice had invited me to celebrate Christmas at her house this year. Despite her insistence that I might as well be her sister, I still felt like an intruder as I watched her, Jasper, her husband, Alice's brother Emmett, his wife, Rosalie, and the kids interact with each other. I was the outcast, curled up alone in a rocking chair in the corner. It didn't help knowing that Edward could have been here as well, but according to Alice, he hadn't shown up for Christmas since the divorce.

"Can't I open just one, Mommy?" Charlotte pleaded when her mother entered the living room with a tray of hot cocoa. Alice shot me an exasperated look as she handed me a mug of chocolate. I smirked. Charlotte had been pestering her mother about presents for the last hour.

"I told you Charlotte, you have to wait for Christmas." Alice ruffled her daughter's hair as she crossed the room to where Rosalie and Emmett were cuddled up together on the loveseat. She gave them their cocoa and went to sit with Jasper on the couch. She pecked him on the lips and snuggled into his chest, ignoring the titters from her daughter and nephews. I sighed and looked down into my hot chocolate. Usually their displays of affection didn't bother me, but Christmas Eve held particularly painful memories and my heart throbbed as I watched the two couples.

"But why?" Giving up on Alice, Charlotte turned to her father, clambering up on his knee and sending him her best 'puppy dog' look. It was an exact replica of her mother's, and she knew Jasper couldn't resist it. I smirked when I saw him glance frantically between his wife and daughter, trying to decide who he'd rather please.

Alice slapped his chest. "Don't you dare," she warned.

Evidently, Dave was more afraid of Alice than Charlotte, because he set his daughter on his lap and smiled apologetically at her.

"Sorry, Angel. Mommy's orders."

Charlotte pouted for a moment, but her bad mood evaporated as Alex and James, the twins, bounded up and demanded her attention. I sighed wistfully, wishing my own problems could be solved as easily.

I wondered if Edward would call tonight. The question had haunted me for weeks. My farewell the year before had been…less than encouraging, and I refused to allow myself to hope that Edward would look past it. I yearned for the sound of his voice, but at the same time I was desperately afraid of hearing the dreaded news…Tanya and I live together now…Tanya and I are engaged… I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the onslaught of emotions that threatened to drown me.

"Whatsa matter Bella?"

I cracked my eyes open and glanced down into little Alex's face. He was staring up at me curiously. He looked exactly like his father, Emmett, with curly, dark brown hair and big brown eyes. I forced a smile for his sake, grateful that his four-year-old mind couldn't see through my pretenses.

"Nothing's the matter, sweetie," I promised. "Why don't you go play with Charlotte and James, ok?" I suppose I didn't lie as convincingly as I could have, or Alex was much more perceptive than I'd given him credit for, because he studied me for a long moment. I patted his hand reassuringly and was relieved when he finally scampered off to join his brother and cousin.

When I looked up, Rosalie and Alice were watching me curiously. I sighed. Their questions were inevitable. Neither was aware that Edward and I were still in contact with each other. In fact, I had told them specifically that we weren't, and they would assume all the wrong things if I told them otherwise now. Worse still, they might take it into their heads that it was somehow their problem to fix. But this was something I had to figure out on my own.

Moments later, a shrill ringing interrupted the peaceful hum of our Christmas Eve. I jumped, before realized with alarm that it was my cell phone, buzzing from the coffee table in front of Alice. There was only one person who could be calling me at this time on Christmas Eve, and I dreaded Alice or anyone else in the room knowing who that was.

I lunged for the phone, but Alice beat me to it. She looked at the caller id and her eyes widened. I winced, knowing it probably didn't help that I had him on my contacts list.

"You can talk in the kitchen." Alice gave me the phone with an indecipherable expression.

"Ok," I croaked and hastily left the room, ignoring Rosalie's curious gaze. I was grateful that the kitchen was closed off from the rest of the house, so my voice wouldn't carry for the backstabbing eavesdroppers to hear. Thank Charlotte's toddler years and her love of food.

I flipped the phone open once I was safely in the kitchen with the door shut. I took a deep breath and put it to my ear.

"Hi," I said in a small voice.

"I called your house."

He was equally as quiet, and I knew what he was thinking. We both remembered the final minutes of last year's conversation, and he knew me. He thought I hadn't picked up my home phone because I was upset and wouldn't talk to him. Oh, how wrong he was. I took any chance I could get to hear his voice. My guilty pleasure was watching old home videos of the two of us, just to hear its beloved tones.

I was pathetic.

"I'm at Alice's," I explained quickly, unhappy that he was under the wrong impression.

"You actually went out this year?" he teased, but I could hear the relief he was trying to hide.

"God forbid, right?" I replied dryly, secretly enjoying our easy banter. I was relieved that he hadn't brought up last year's incident, but the image of Tanya ate at me. Over the past twelve months, I had formed my own idea of what she looked like—tan, sporty, blond, great figure, perfect hair. The works.

And the complete opposite of me, or anything I could ever hope to be, with my plain brown hair, boring brown eyes and pale skin. I wanted to know how she and Edward were getting along, but was terrified of the answers I might get.

"How in the world did Alice convince you to go over?" Edward asked. He sounded amused.

I grimaced. "Oh, the usual threats of impending doom and twelve hour shopping sprees and all that." No need to mention that the thing which finally convinced me was her promise that Edward wouldn't be coming.

It was also my greatest disappointment.

Edward chuckled. "Sounds like Alice."

"So how did you manage to avoid her?" I accused. I couldn't imagine that Alice would just allow her brother to miss Christmas with his family, and I wondered how he had escaped her…erm, persuasive powers.

It was quiet for a moment. Then he said tersely, "I managed."

His curt words firmly ended any opportunity of an easy conversation and I instantly regretted my own. That was two years now that I had effectively prevented a talk that could have been pain-free and didn't involve emotions that were better hidden deep. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

"You'll have to teach me," I joked weakly and quickly changed the subject. "So, how's your Christmas going?" I prayed that this topic wouldn't provoke any unforeseen reactions.

"Slow," he admitted, and I was relieved that the edge in his voice had vanished. But where was Tanya? And even if she was old news, there was always some girl vying for his attention. He wasn't the kind of guy to go out with just anyone, but I would think no one would want to be alone on Christmas Eve.

I was the exception to that, of course…

"No Tanya?" I blurted without thinking, and mentally cursed myself. I'd been waiting to hear about Tanya all night, but hadn't actually planned on asking him.

I shouldn't be involved with his life. We had no connection to each other anymore and I should have no need to know. Let him do what he wanted.

Edward sounded surprised. "We broke up ten months ago, Bella. If we were even close enough to call it 'breaking up'. I didn't think you'd remember…"

How easily that man could lie. Of course I remembered Tanya; she'd haunted my thoughts for months. And of course he knew I hadn't forgotten.

"I didn't, really." I tried to fib just as casually, but it didn't sound half as convincing. I was sure he could pick out the clear relief in my voice and I didn't care. I knew I'd be embarrassed about that later, but for now the relief was too great.

I'd been troubled for a year, preoccupied by the thought of Edward with…someone else. Despite our obvious separation, I had never really felt distanced from him. It had never felt real to me until I had learned about this other girl, and maybe that was why she bothered me to such a great extent—she made the divorce official, and it hurt more than I cared to admit.

"I see," Edward mused and trailed off into an awkward silence. I struggled futilely to find something to say. I could mention the family, but he had been none too pleased when I'd brought up Alice. I wondered why he seemed so irked by her. They had always seemed close.

To my surprise, he brought it up anyway. "How's Charlotte?" he asked. The affection he had for her was clear in his voice.

"Adorable," I sighed, sympathizing completely with his adoration for the little girl. I chuckled. "Although a bit too similar to Alice for my taste."

He laughed with me. "I was hoping that Jasper would rub off on her, but I guess Alice's influence is just too strong." I could sense no underlying current of displeasure as we joked about Alice, and I wondered what exactly I'd said to upset him before.

"Emmett and Rosalie are here too," I added.

"How are the twins?" Edward asked. "I haven't seen them in, uh…awhile."

My brows furrowed as I noted again that same hesitation. What did he mean by 'awhile'? Why was he so reluctant to speak about his family? The topic seemed harmless enough to me.

"They're…fine." I spoke slowly, trying to puzzle it out. "Alex loves getting into trouble, and James does whatever his brother does. But you probably know that already, right?"

"Of course. They're—five now."

"Four," I corrected lightly.

For once, I could see right through the false assurance that was seeping on the surface of his voice. I didn't press him. He would never admit anything that he didn't want me to know. Instead, I made a note to ask Alice if she knew why Edward was acting like this. My attempt to hide us from her was sort of pointless now that she had seen his name on my phone.

"Four," Edward confirmed and changed the subject. "I still can't believe you're out for Christmas Eve." In a heartbeat he converted back to the lightheartedness. It was the side we were both much more comfortable with.

"Be nice." I feigned offense. "I still can't believe you aren't out."

"I'm hurt. You're not the only one who likes to be alone, you know."

I never said I like to be alone, I thought sadly to myself. The truth was, I didn't. I only liked being alone when I was with him. When I was by myself, I felt empty. Once, I couldn't stand being separated from him for a few minutes, and that was still my definition of alone—being anywhere Edward wasn't. Even if we were only friends now.

Gradually, I was coming to realize that I had never truly let Edward go. Shocker, right? You'd think I'd have noticed by now. The love I felt for him had been disguised for a time, beneath petty insults and the stress that had engulfed me for months, knowing that our marriage was in jeopardy. It had started when Edward's job was threatened while he was trying to finish medical school, at the same time my novel was in the publishing process. We'd been pushed to snapping point, and in the midst of all the obstacles, our love was left behind and forgotten. I ached for the easy days before, when our love was pure and real, the only thing that mattered to us.

I heard a knock at the kitchen door.

"Bella!" Alice called. "Rose and Emmett want to go. Come out now if you want to say good-bye."

I could hear the curiosity burning in her voice and knew that I was going to have to give an in-depth explanation of what was going on once I was off the phone. I sighed, much preferring to stay here with him, even if it meant tiptoeing through our conversation as I tried to avoid offending him further. Anything was better than facing Alice.

"Edward?" I said reluctantly. "I'd better go."

"Oh, I'm sorry Bella. I'm keeping you, aren't I?" Edward apologized. "Have a wonderful Christmas, ok?"

"Yeah," I said quietly. "You too."

He hung up, and right away, I missed the sound of his voice. I slipped the phone into my pocket, thankful that I had to be composed for my friends outside. That thought alone would control the breakdown bubbling beneath the surface.

When I left the kitchen, Alice was waiting for me.

"What in the world are you doing with my brother!" she hissed. "Don't you realize his heart is broken up as it is? Don't make it worse!"

I didn't know what to say. Of all possible reactions, I hadn't expected this one. I was so certain Alice would be begging me for details, assuming that everything was alright between Edward and I again and we could all go back to normal now. But her arms were crossed and she was planted firmly in front of me. I was taken aback by her anger.

"Uh…" I groped for an explanation. "It's nothing Alice, really. We just talk." It was the truth, but I doubted she would believe me.

"What do you mean you 'just talk', Bella?" Alice attacked me again before I could blink. "You broke my brother's heart! You have no right to be 'just talking' to him."

I became frustrated and upset with Lizzie for assuming that I was the one doing the hurting. After all, he was the one who called me. He'd started the Christmas calls, and if he wanted to end them, well, more power to him.

"What are you talking about?" I spat back. "What would I want with Edward, Alice? We just talk, ok? Nothing remotely romance-related at all. That's over and we both know it!"

Alice's face softened as I ranted. She touched my arm apologetically when I was done. "I'm sorry, Bella ," she said quietly. "That was mean."

"Yes. It was," I huffed, but I could feel the bitterness melting. I could never stay angry for long. I sighed and lowered my eyes. "I wouldn't hurt Edward, Alice. You know that."

"Yeah, I do know," Alice murmured, taking my hand and meeting my eyes. "Because you still love him."

I turned from her grasp. "Don't start that, Alice," I said wearily. I wasn't playing this game with her. Heading back towards the living room, I changed the subject before she could protest. "You said Rosalie and Emmett are leaving?"

"Um…" Alice began.

I glared at her. "You did, didn't you?"

The guilty expression on her face confirmed my suspicions that no one was leaving. The ploy had been Alice's means of getting me away from Edward. I shook my head, tired of being mad. It was such an Alice thing to do.

She smiled sheepishly. "I really am sorry," she offered, trying to make amends not only for her little white lie, but for blaming me earlier. I shrugged and squeezed her hand, and then remembered something.

"Alice?" I asked cautiously, hoping my curiosity wouldn't open a new floodgate of questions. "How long has it been since you've seen him?"

Alice looked down. She said nothing for a long moment and I prepared myself for something awful.

"He's refused to see any of us since the divorce," Alice choked. She squeezed her eyes shut and I saw a tear dribble down her cheek.

And now I understood. Edward was avoiding his family because of me.

"Bella," Alice whispered. "I'm sorry. He still loves you, Bella. Please understand that, because I know you love him too."

I shook my head sadly. I knew the truth. If he really loved me, then there would have been no Tanya. I continued on to the living room before she could start chastising me again.

Her assumption was much too close to the truth for my comfort.

At first, right after the divorce, I had been grateful to be rid of the arguments; the frustration, the anger. But that relief faded quickly, gone with the love that Edward had given me, and by the time I realized my mistake, it was too late. Too stubborn and proud for my own good, I pushed myself through the pain every time it hit, simply grateful for what little time he had given me.

It was true that I missed Edward, more than I cared to admit, but I refused to call my feelings for him love. I couldn't admit it, because what would admittance do? Nothing would change.

Sometimes, though, at night, when I was almost unconscious and barely aware of my own thoughts, I would wish that things had been different and Edward really did still love me.