A/N: Thank you very much for such a great response to the first scene in this story! I hope you will like this one as well! It is a scene that has been floating around in my mind for quite a while now and this series is perfect for sharing it. Also, big thanks to Loonyloops for beta-reading.
Episode Reference: 1x10 "The Storm" & 1x11 "The Eye"
Elizabeth woke up with a gasp and sat up in her bed, pulling her legs to her chest and hiding her face in her hands. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, her whole body was shaking and she sighed heavily, trying to calm herself down. It wasn't easy, especially since she could practically feel Kolya's grip on her as the man was pulling her towards the Stargate and when she closed her eyes, she could see John aiming his gun in her direction. For a moment, she really thought she was going to die. Even though she now felt a little bad for doubting John, she didn't think he would manage to avoid hitting her as he took a shot at Kolya; the Genii Commander was using her as a shield for a reason, after all. He probably didn't think Sheppard would risk accidentally hurting her. It seemed that they had both underestimated the Major.
It was hardly the first time she had found herself in a dangerous situation but she couldn't remember ever being so shaken up by it. It only seemed to be getting worse, too. She didn't have a chance to think about it earlier; they might have managed to get rid of the Genii, but they still had a city to save and there had been no time for her to dwell on how she felt. Afterwards, when she finally got to her quarters, she couldn't take her mind off everything that had happened. She took a long, hot shower, put on several layers of clothes and covered herself with two blankets as she finally went to bed, but none of it seemed to be working as she couldn't get warm. Eventually, she managed to fall asleep, only to be woken up by the replay of all the events in her dreams.
Groaning with frustration, she kicked the blankets away and got out of the bed. She didn't even bother putting on her robe as she walked out of her quarters; it was the middle of the night and the chance of her running into anyone except for the night shift was practically nonexistent. What she didn't think of was that there could be other people in a similar situation and she had barely walked into the commissary in order to get something to drink, when she almost bumped into John Sheppard, who was on his way out.
"Whoa!" he exclaimed, pulling away from her so that she wouldn't be burnt by the content of the mug he was carrying, and hissed when some of the liquid landed on his skin, letting the cup fall onto the floor.
"Oh God, I'm sorry. You okay?" she asked, catching his wrist to look at his hand and was relieved to see that even though it was a bit red, it didn't look serious.
"Yeah, no worries. I've had worse than that" he said, smiling at her.
It was then that he noticed how exhausted she looked. He was aware that what happened earlier shook her up quite a lot, but it might have been more than he actually realized. He hadn't known what to think about her when they first came to Atlantis, but now he considered her to be one of the strongest people he had ever met and he would sometimes forget that she would often be more affected than anyone else. It was not to say that others didn't care about anything, but as the leader of the city, Elizabeth considered herself personally responsible for everything that happened and he wouldn't be surprised to find out that she blamed herself for the Genii invasion. What worried him more, however, was how she was handling everything that Kolya had put her through.
"Are you okay?" he added, looking at her with concern in his eyes.
"I'm fine" she answered immediately and sighed heavily as she didn't even have to look at him to realize that she did that a little too quickly for it to sound credible and to prevent him from prying.
He decided against it, though. After everything they had gone through, he didn't have to ask to know what was bothering her. He had actually suspected she could be having more difficulties dealing with all of it than she was letting on and as he lied in bed, unable to sleep, he even thought of going to her quarters to check up on her, but figured he should let her rest. That didn't mean that he didn't worry, though. The fact that they were basically the two leaders of the city caused the two of them to spend quite a bit of time together, that in turn had the two of them getting to know each other quite well, and he came to really care about her, thinking of her as probably his closest friend in the city. He really hated to see her suffer like this and wished there was something he could do to make it easier for her, especially after everything she had done for him.
If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have even come to Atlantis in the first place. He was, of course, aware that none of it would have happened if he didn't possess the strongest ATA gene out of everyone they had tested, but she still chose to disregard his less than perfect record and offered him a chance to prove himself. He knew that Colonel Sumner was entirely against it; the man left him no doubts about that the first chance he got, and it only made him feel more grateful. It was then, that he knew he had made the right decision; even though he didn't know her very well at the time, he was certain that her leadership would be different from what he was used to in the Air Force, something she had proven to him many times by now. A lot of things had changed since they arrived, but one thing hadn't – no matter the circumstances, she still believed in him and even though they didn't always agree about everything, for the first time since he joined the Air Force, he had developed a sense of loyalty and trust for the person whose orders he was following.
This close working relationship that they shared also made him see things that a lot of people wouldn't notice about her simply because she didn't want them to. She had never really confirmed it, but he couldn't help feeling like she was trying to prove herself as the leader of the expedition and because of that, no matter the circumstances, she would do her best not to show any sign of weakness in front of her people, as if it would undermine her position. She also felt responsible for every single person in the city and, even though she would be hiding it behind the mask of an unruffled leader, she was still very affected by all the losses they suffered, probably more than anyone else.
Now, however, not only had they lost people, but they had also came very close to losing the city, not to mention that her own life was threatened as directly as it was possible, and he didn't think that there was anyone who would remain unmoved by all of it. Elizabeth definitely wasn't this sort of a person and even though he initially chose to give her space to deal with everything on her own, he now began to rethink his decision because if he could judge by her appearance, she didn't seem to be coping at all.
"I can't sleep either, so why don't you join me for a cup of hot chocolate?" he asked instead. Knowing that she would probably try to come up with any sort of excuse to escape his company, he didn't really give her a chance to respond before he added: "Would you mind preparing our drinks while I clean the little mess that we've made?"
She just shook her head, abandoning the thought of refusing his invitation and found that it actually felt good to get herself busy with something, even if it was such a trivial task as making two cups of hot chocolate. By the time she was finished, John had already wiped the spilled drink off the floor and surprised her by picking the cups up and motioning his head towards the door. She followed him without a word, although she wasn't sure it was actually a good idea. She didn't really want any company in the first place and this uncertainty only intensified when she realized he was leading her to her quarters. For some reason, however, she seemed unable to voice her objections and it wasn't much later that she found herself sitting on her bed, covered with her quilt, leaning against the wall and holding the steaming mug in her hands, while John settled down at the foot of her bed, facing her.
They sat in silence for a while, sipping their drinks, but in contrast to what she expected, it didn't really feel awkward. She probably shouldn't be surprised by it, considering that they would often find themselves in a similar situation as he seemed to have developed a habit of coming to her office whenever he didn't have anything particular to do or had to work on his share of paperwork, and they would spend hours together without exchanging more than a few words, focused on their respective tasks. What did surprise her, however, was that his presence actually seemed to make her feel better.
"You know…" he eventually spoke, keeping his eyes glued to his drink. "You don't have to be strong all the time. It's been a long, difficult day and nobody is going to think any less of you if you let them see that it had an impact on you. I surely won't."
It was then that she looked up at him, taken aback by his statement. It would be a lie if she claimed that she didn't know what he was talking about because he happened to hit a bull's eye. She didn't say anything but he took it as all the confirmation that he needed and met her gaze as he continued.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to pretend, not in front of me. I've been there, many times, and I know that keeping it bottled up doesn't help. I mean, I'm the last person, who should tell you to talk about it but in case you ever want to talk, and you don't feel like talking to Heightmeyer, I'm here."
He reached his hand out, placing it on hers and gave it a little squeeze. She reciprocated the gesture, accepting his offer and showing her gratitude for it. She had never really been the sort of person, who liked to talk about things that were bothering her, be it something she had difficulty with making up her mind about or an actual, very serious problem; she didn't feel comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings with people she didn't know about, and she definitely didn't feel like doing it to someone she didn't even know all that well, even if the person came to Atlantis because she believed her to be one of the best psychiatrists in the country. No matter how much she tried, she wouldn't be able to fully understand what Elizabeth was going through, but she felt that if there was anyone, who would, it was John and she really appreciated his offer.
"Thanks" she said, smiling at him.
It was her first truly genuine smile in hours and he was really happy to see it. Lately, he was quite surprised by his own reactions to a lot of things concerning her. This day, however, exceeded everything. It probably wasn't anything unusual to get angry at someone for killing another person, especially if that person was a very important member of the expedition which he was a part of, and also his friend. Even so, it wasn't anger he felt, but an uncontrollable rage that could only be soothed by putting a bullet through the Genii Commander. Though he wasn't about to admit it, this day had taken a toll on all of them.
They sat there for some time longer, talking a bit, although both of them avoided the topic of the invasion. Neither of them was ready to share their feelings about this particular event, but it was this evening that began a tradition of sorts that whenever something would bother either one of them, they would show up in the other's quarters with two mugs of hot chocolate and sit late into the night, talking. It was something he continued even after she was gone as no other place in the city offered him more consolation that her quarters, almost as if her spirit was still there, ready to offer her support.