The sun rose to alert Killian to the morning. He stared at Emma's sleeping form for a few more moments, taking in the tension of her body even now. He was careful not to wake her as he extricated himself from her arms. Standing in the shower he let the water wash over him. He felt a deep sadness at the loss that they had experienced. He closed his eyes and saw Emma holding their new baby. Another girl for him to cherish.
He didn't know how he was going to get through the day. Even taking a shower was requiring so much effort, so much energy that he didn't have. He did know that, above all else, he had to be there for his family. For his family that were still here. For Emma who had physical recoveries to make on top of the emotional turmoil. He let his tears mix with the water from the shower, watching silently as they fell. His head felt scrambled. Like there were too many thoughts and he couldn't choose one to focus on. He stood there until the water began to turn cold.
After exiting the shower he checked in on Emma. She was still asleep. Her eyelids were flickering, a tell-tale sign that she was having a dream. Killian hoped it was a good one, although he doubted it.
He went up to their room to get changed for the day. He didn't really put much into deciding what to wear; grabbing the first shirt and pair of jeans he could find. Taking a moment of composure, Killian turned towards their bed. His eyes flickered over the stains caused by the day before. His stomach rolling, he made quick work of stripping the bed. He remade it with fresh linens, although he was unsure whether Emma would want to return to the room that soon.
After putting the dirty sheets in the wash, he got himself some water. The house seemed so quiet, so empty. A sudden need overcame him. A need for a child to hold. He glanced at the clock and decided that the Charming's would probably be awake. Neither Neal nor Hope were late sleepers, and they liked to make their presence known from the moment they woke. Although, after what Hope had witnessed, Killian was unsure what state his daughter would be in this morning. This worry made him even more determined to get to his little girl.
Killian caught sight of Emma when he entered their bedroom. She was still laid in the curled position he'd left her in, but her eyes were open.
"Emma." He bent down next to her, caressing her cheek with his hand. "How are you feeling, love?" He knew it was a ridiculous question to ask and an impossible one to answer. However the glazed look in her eyes was worrying him. Emma tried to focus her eyes on her husband. Trying to find a way to answer him, to talk to him.
"Killian." Emma's voice was hoarse from the crying. A few tears slipped out as she reached out to hold his hand against her cheek. "Did I... did it...?"
"Yes. It happened." Killian wiped away her tears.
"Our baby... our girl." Emma's tone was bleak as she stared at her pirate. He could tell that she wasn't really seeing him. She was seeing the body of their perfect new baby. The one they'd probably never see again.
"I was thinking of getting Hope from your parents." Killian spoke slowly in an attempt to get through to her. It took a moment for his wife to focus her eyes on him.
"Hope..." Emma let out a sob at the last time she saw her girl. Her toddler's pained face fresh in her mind. "I can't...I don't..." She was torn between a strong desire to have a child in her arms, and not wanting to upset her. "She shouldn't have to see me like this. She's been through enough."
"Emma what happened was...is horrible. We need to be together through this. As a family." Killian brushed his lips against Emma's forehead. He went to straighten up, but Emma's grip on his hand tightened. Her lip was trembling as he looked down at her. "Love?"
"Don't… I can't…" Emma bit her lip as she tried not to sound too desperate. In reality she was. She was desperate not to be left alone. As she struggled with her vulnerability, a look of understanding crossed her husband's face.
"Why don't I call them? See if one of them could bring her here?" A light appeared in Emma's eyes, however briefly, at his suggestion.
A quick call to Snow ensured that she would be bringing Hope over straight away.
They waited for their daughter in silence. The only words that passed between them was when Killian helped Emma to the bathroom. He washed her face for her and helped her change into fresh clothes. It was a slow process. After which Emma returned to the comfort of the bed.
"Can I get you anything?" Killian wanted to assist her, knowing that he couldn't truly understand what she was going through. They'd both lost a child, yes. And they could grieve together. But this child had grown inside of her, been a part of her.
"Water, please..." Emma was feeling drowsy. The temptation of losing herself to sleep was winning.
"Alright, love. I'll just be a minute." He used his hook to tuck some stray hairs behind her ear.
He was heading back to his wife with her drink when he heard a key in the front door. Placing the water on the kitchen table, he prepared for what was to come.
"DADDY!" Hope pushed past her grandmother to throw herself at her father. He took the toddler into his arms.
"Hi little love." Killian willed his tears back for the sake of his daughter.
"Miss you." The little girl threw her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
"Missed you more." The pirate stroked her blonde curls. He saw her blue eyes go wide as she searched for her mother. This was their thing. They'd say those two lines and then Emma would add "Missed you most".
"Where's Mommy?" Hope cast her eyes down to where her hands played with her father's necklaces.
"She's here, Princess. She's resting." Killian cast a glance at Snow who stood watching the scene.
"She ok? Is the baby hurting her?" The girl's fear was evident in her voice.
"No...she..." He knew he was going to have to tell his daughter. She was inquisitive, curious by nature. Snow gave him an encouraging nod as tears came to her eyes. "Snow, could you...um...take that water to Emma?"
"I take it to Mommy." Hope perked up at the possibility of seeing her mom.
"You can see her soon, Princess, Daddy just wants to talk to you." Killian forced a smile in place when his girl looked up at him.
"I'll let her know you're here, sweetie." Snow rubbed her granddaughter's back as she passed.
"Thank you." Killian conveyed his genuine thanks to his mother-in-law. The royal squeezed his arm in support before going to see her daughter. The pirate walked over to the couch, sitting Hope in his lap.
"What it Daddy?" Two small hands began tracing the scruff on his jaw.
"It's um..." Killian had no idea how to break this news to a 3 year old, who didn't truly understand birth or death yet. This was a test of him as a father. "Hope, you know what happened yesterday. When the ambulance had to take Mommy to the hospital to care for her and the... the baby?"
"And you." She nodded. "You take care of them too." Killian didn't know he was crying, until the tears slipped down onto his daughter's hands. The sight of her father crying, plus a longing for her mom, made water build up in Hope's eyes.
"Aye, lass. Well the baby had problems. And so she couldn't be inside Mommy anymore..." He was trying to take this slow, gauging the child's reaction. To be honest, talking about the tragedy like this was taking its toll on him.
"But Mommy say..." The girl gasped with wide eyes. "She say the baby needed to be in her."
"That's true." Killian held his precious daughter a little tighter with an arm across her back. "Sadly the baby couldn't live on her own... but also couldn't live in Mommy anymore." Hope seemed to consider her father's words.
"Baby went to heaven." This seemed more like a statement than a question, but Killian nodded anyway. He was never sure on his views on heaven or any afterlife, neither was Emma, until their trip to the underworld. Heaven was the easiest way to explain the 'better place'; where they'd helped so many move onto.
"That she did." Seeing tears slip from his little girl's eyes wounded his already battered heart. He brought his hand up to wipe away the liquid from her cheeks. "It was a baby girl."
"Like me." Hope whispered the thought, like she did when she didn't entirely mean to say it out loud. Killian bit the inside of his cheek to keep from breaking down completely. "I wanted a girl."
"I know you did, little love." He gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sad." The sweet reply actually warmed Killian's heart in a way he hadn't thought was possible. "Is you and Mommy sad?"
"Yes, lass, we're very sad." The little girl started to cry again, but Killian rested a finger to her lips. "You being here though, is already making me feel better."
"Can I go see Mommy? Make her feel better too." Hope was already squirming off of her father's lap. Once standing, she still waited for his permission. Killian stood and took her little hand in his, leading her towards the guest bedroom.
#
Snow entered the room to find her daughter curled up in bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. She could hear muffled sobs as she made her way to sit on the bed.
"Oh, Emma." The tears finally fell when Snow began to stroke the blonde's hair.
"Mom?" Emma lowered the pillow so that she could see her mother's face. Her mom looked tired, a sadness to her eyes the likes Emma hadn't seen. She could only imagine what she herself looked like right now. Not that she cared. "Where's Hope?"
"She's here. Killian's talking to her… about…" Snow trailed off, knowing that she didn't need or want to finish her sentence. Emma felt a rush of relief at the fact that she didn't have to be the one to explain to her daughter. This was quickly overcome by guilt that Killian was doing it alone.
"I need to go. I should be there-" Emma struggled to prop herself up. She didn't get far before a shot of pain forced her to lie back down.
"Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything." Snow cupped her face in an attempt to soothe her daughter. "Except look after yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal and grieve."
"I don't know how." Emma's cries broke Snow's heart. She adjusted her positioning so that the blonde could lay her head on her mother's lap. "I don't know where to start."
"Start with getting your strength." Snow reached for the glass of water and handed it to Emma. She only took a few sips, but it was something. After placing the water back on the table, Snow began to softly hum a calming tune while her fingers returned to the blonde waves.
A few moments later, Killian arrived in the doorway. He was glad to see Emma taking comfort from her mother's embrace. He raised a questioning eyebrow to Snow, asking if this was a good time to bring Hope in. At the woman's nod, he stepped aside.
"Mommy?" Hope kept her hand firmly in her father's, which surprised him. The little girl had been adamant to see her mom since she arrived and, now she was, she seemed to have gone in on herself.
"Sweetie?" Emma began to raise herself, with her mother's assistance, into a more upright position. Once her upper half was propped up on some pillows, Emma opened her arms. She was ignoring the pain, but Killian noted his wife's winces and the fresh tears in her eyes. Nevertheless, he walked his daughter to the bed. Noticing that she was still hesitant to let him go, Killian crouched down in front of his daughter.
"What is it, little love?" He asked softly, using his hook under her chin to raise her gaze.
"I don't want to…" Hope trailed off as she started to cry again. Emma squeezed her eyes closed at the comment. This hurt her. She had wanted to hold her child since she had to leave her behind the day before. The little girl leant forward and whispered in her father's ear. "Don't want to hurt Mommy."
"Oh, princess, you won't. I promise." Killian pulled back to look into his daughter's eyes. "Remember what I said, about you making me better." The little girl nodded her head. "And what did you say?"
"That I want to make Mommy better." A small smile graced the child's lips as she turned and crawled into her mother's arms. Emma's eyes shot open at the feel of the soft curls under her chin. "Hi, Mommy." The girl embraced her mom with such a gentle touch, admirable for a child of that age.
"Hi, baby." That dim light that Killian had glimpsed earlier was back in his wife's eyes. With a shared glance, he and Snow left their girls to their moment. Emma held her daughter against her chest, replicating her mother's actions through Hope's hair. She could feel tears wetting her t-shirt, as her own tears fell into the blonde curls. The comfort she took from having one of her children in her arms was even more than she imagined.
"Daddy told me." Hope spoke into her chest as the tears became less frequent.
"I know, sweetie." Emma clutched her daughter just that bit tighter. "Do you want to talk about it?" She ceased her movements through her hair as Hope lifted her head.
"It make me sad." The girl's bottom lip began to tremble once more. "Daddy say you very sad." Her hands start to twist the ends of her mother's long hair.
"We are, baby." Her toddler's innocence was helping her to heal better than any medicine or rest.
"Make me more sad." Hope pressed her face into the crook of Emma's neck. She inhaled deeply, using her mother's scent to calm her. Emma carded her fingers through her little blonde curls. "You say you'll be ok." The girl's tone held an air of stroppiness, but she continued to cuddle her mom.
"Oh, sweetie." Emma pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I…I will be." She didn't believe it, not really. She didn't see how that would be possible. But she knew her daughter needed her to be. She would need her to be her mother. And be damned if she was going to let her baby down. Hope nuzzled deeper into her neck. Emma began to rub her back in soothing circles. Before long, soft mumbles came from the child; alerting her mother that she was asleep. She watched the girl's sleeping form, the rise and fall of her body with every breath. Waves of sadness hit her that she would never get to experience this with her other baby girl. Emma started to sob silently as she gently rocked her child back and forth.
#
Killian sat stoically at the kitchen table as Snow pottered around making them a warm drink. He was at a loss for what to do now. Ever since he'd gotten up he'd gone through a list in his head. Have a shower. Check on Emma. Go get Hope. Check on Emma beforehand. Ask Snow to bring Hope over instead. Tell Hope about what had happened. Bring Hope to Emma. Going through steps one at a time was the only way his brain could process that life had to move forward. Having jobs to do was the only thing keeping him from retreating to his darkened bedroom. He felt the weight of the last day beginning to crush him, as he frantically searched for the next move. Then suddenly it hit him. It was obvious. And terrifying. And heart-breaking. And honestly, he'd known it had to be done since waking up that morning.
"Killian?" Snow looked over at him from across the table, a look of concern marring her features. He looked down at the steaming mug of hot chocolate before him. Reaching into his pocket, he produced his flask of rum. Much to his mother-in-law's concern, Killian poured a larger-than-advisable quantity into the drink.
"I know what I have to do next." Killian winced as he took a gulp of his drink, hardly feeling the burn left by the heat and the alcohol.
"Killian, you don't have to do anything right n-" Snow reached over and squeezed his hand as it grasped the mug.
"I have to call Henry." Killian looked up at Snow, as fresh tears threatened to fall. "I have to tell the lad about…it. About her."
"Oh, I could call him if you'd prefer." Snow wiped a tear from her cheek as she imagined her grandson hearing the tragic news. Killian considered Snow's suggestion for a moment. The idea of not having to hear his step-son's reaction did fill him with a little relief. However, he wanted to hear his voice. Wanted to provide any comfort that he could to the boy who meant so much to him. The boy who he saw as his son.
"Thanks, but, I need to do this." Killian attempted something akin to a smile. He downed the rest of his drink, hoping to gain some courage for what was to come.
"Ok. Send him my love." Snow sighed as she watched the broken pirate stand on shaky legs. He gave her a curt nod before heading towards the backyard. Once there he shut the door and sat down on the steps of the house. It only occurred to him then about the 5 hour time difference. Henry, having followed his family's sense of adventure, had packed up and gone to study English at a university in England. They were ahead over there so Henry would be into his afternoon by now. He hit the speed dial for Henry and waited. The ringing was not helping his nerves. He was tempted to just hang up. To protect at least one member of his family from this. But he knew that that would be the coward's way out. And sooner or later Henry would have to find out. It would only get harder the longer the wound was left unanswered.
"Hi, Killian. What's up?" Henry's voice was as chirpy as it usually was when they spoke.
"Hi, Henry." Killian tried to prevent his voice from wavering, but it was impossible.
"Killian, what's happened?" Worry was evident in Henry's reply, his care-free tone lost in moments.
"Something has…ha-happened, lad." Killian managed to choke out before a sob overcame him.
"What is it? Is everyone ok? Is it Mom? Hope? Oh please tell me Hope's ok." Henry became frantic and Killian could hear him pacing over the phone.
"Henry." Killian spoke quieter than the boy on the other end, but he still managed to be heard. The teenager held his breath as he waited for an answer. "Hope's fine. Your mother…she…well she will be. I had to take her to the hospital last night."
"What? Why?" Henry demanded down the phone, feeling overwhelming concern for his mom.
"She was having pains. It was the baby." Killian heard Henry's sharp intake of breath at the mention of his unborn sibling. "Henry, the baby didn't survive."
"The baby died…" Henry stuttered out, much quieter than before. Killian shut his eyes at the words. He hadn't used the word 'died', not out loud, and he hadn't heard it either. Until now.
"She did." Killian breathed out after a few seconds of silence.
"She?" Henry whispered as if it were a secret. The gender of a baby who no-one would ever get to meet. "How's mom? Can I speak to her?"
"She's…" Killian had no idea how to answer Henry's first question, so he moved on. "She's with Hope at the moment. I'm sure she'd love to hear your voice though."
"I…" Henry trailed off as multiple footsteps could be heard, echoing through what Killian assumed was a corridor. "My class just got let out. I left my stuff in there. I should probably go…" He sounded extremely reluctant to end the phone call.
"If you're sure, lad." Killian didn't want his step-son to go either, but he knew he had to let him. It was a lot for someone to process. All he wanted to do was have Henry here so that he could comfort him. He hated that he was alone in all of this. "We'll talk later. You can speak to your mother as well. And Hope."
"Ok, yeah. My lecturer just came out. I'll speak to you later." The line went quiet and Killian thought that Henry had hung up. He was just about to do the same when he heard a ragged cough. "I'm so sorry, Killian. I can't…"
"Aye, lad. I know." Killian felt a few tears once again fall down his cheeks as Henry's voice truly disappeared. He put his head in his hands as he let the emotional phone call replay in his mind. He knew he had to pull himself together. Be there for Emma and his daughter. If he fell apart, he was certain his family would also. This family that he'd thought so hard to get, and he treasured more than anything. He was meant to protect them, to shield them from pain. This tragedy proved once again that, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't prevent bad things from happening to them. All he could do was ease their pain. He just wished he knew how. He allowed himself a few minutes of solitude, allowing his own pain to take over momentarily. After which, Killian dried his tears and returned to the house. He saw Snow vigorously cleaning the downstairs, trying to be helpful in any way that she could. He understood that. He left his mother-in-law to it and went in his search of his two girls.
"Love?" Killian leant against the guest room doorway, watching his wife cry as she held their sleeping daughter.
"She's asleep." Emma whispered, not taking her eyes off of her daughter. Killian entered the room gingerly so as not to disturb his princess.
"She's so precious." Killian ran his hand over Hope's head, savouring the feel of her soft curls falling through his fingertips. Emma bit her lip as she nodded. The hole in her heart caused by losing her child was like a physical pain. And it refused to be ignored. "Should I take her to her room?"
"No." Emma refused a little too loudly for a woman with a sleeping child on her chest. Thankfully the little girl was obviously exhausted and didn't even stir from her mother's outburst. "Not yet."
"Of course, love." Killian understood as he laid himself out over the covers. Emma had been forced to let go of one baby last night. A baby she would never be able to hold again. She wanted, no needed, to have a child in her arms. And no-one was going to make her let go of this one.