CHAPTER ONE

I Don't Know What to Say

It had been three days into my visits to the psychologist. Sakura had been forcing me to go to the Konoha psychologist, she stated it was because my mental health was beginning to scare her. It was also because she had seen a few of my wounds. She had the brain to identify the fact that they were self inflicted. She knew that I wasn't capable of taking care of myself.

The dark, chestnut eyes of the man in front of me were so familiar that it hurt. I had always hated the male as a kid, and I never really saw him as anything special, but I guess that was another thing that I was wrong about. The man before me was capable of leading the Fourth Diversion in a war, and was able to plan out a whole situation of how to basically incapacitate an immortal Jashinist. Shikamaru Nara was his name, and he was known as the "Lazy Genius" of Konoha.

"How have your emotions improved in the past two days?" His voice was a unique one to describe. There was always and seemingly scratchy or deep hiss in the back of his mouth that made his voice sound irritated almost all the time. An irritated voice for an irritated man I suppose.

"They feel the same. These stupid sessions aren't helping, and neither are you." There was a bit of a lie coming from those words. I actually did enjoy talking to him about my problems. But I would never tell him that, he'd probably find a way to use that against me in the future. He'd probably hurt me like everyone else had.

"You're a horrible liar." It wasn't a question, and he wasn't even trying to provoke me, it was a statement, and he was right, as always.

"Just because I'm supposed to talk to you, it doesn't mean I'm going to tell you what's inside of my head." And that was what I was going to stick by. I didn't really want to talk about my problems, because they weren't his to worry about. Heck, why is this guy even a psychologist? Doesn't he have pain in his life? The pain of losing his father, the pain of losing his sensei, and the pain of knowing that he almost died in the last war, how could he not be depressed? And yet he still managed to remain calm and collected, even though he insisted that everything was a "drag".

"How are your feelings for Haruno Sakura?" he asked, a bored undertone combining with the hiss that was also lingering there. His eyes always seemed to move around the room, avoiding my gaze, and even if he looked in my direction, his eyes would never fully meet mine, no matter what I say, even if I'm crying, he seemingly refuses to comfort me. But yet again, no one was there to comfort him in his time of needs.

"She's fine, I like her, which is obviously why I'm dating her." I never talked about my feelings for Sakura unless I was asked about them. I didn't know what to feel about her anymore. Ever since the first time we kissed, it just didn't feel right. The way that her lips were, the words that she spoke to reassure me that everything was all right…it just made a sickening knot it my stomach. Was this out of love because she loved me? Or was it that she pitied me so much that she thinks that she's in love with me?

Shikamaru shot me one of those glances again. I have learned over the past few days that when Shikamaru shoots me a glance, I know that he knows that I'm not stating the full truth. He didn't seem to pester me about it, though he often asked me the same questions, to see if my answers changed.

"How is your life in general at this moment?" His voice was dull, as if he already knew what I was going to say. And knowing him, he probably already did.

"Oh yes, because being constantly stared at when you walk down the street, and hearing whispers about yourself, and being watched by the ANBU Black Ops every single time you go to the restroom, or go in your house by yourself, or need to talk to the Hokage, who is your own team-mate, y'know, the good life that we all love to live." With a sigh, the lazy Nara rolled his eyes at me, and wrote down a few more things in the notebook. If I said I knew him well enough, I'd say that he was drawing clouds in his notebook instead of actually writing down what I'm saying and what he is receiving from our talks. But yet again, he probably has some sort of "Save" cabinet in his mind, where he just stores every piece of information that is given to him.

"What are your opinions on each person in Rookie Nine, especially your former team mates?" asked Shikamaru, seemingly expecting a whole stream of negative comments about our graduating league.

"Yeah, because I totally remember and know what everyone is like, especially since I haven't been in Konoha for who knows how long, but yeah, sure, I'll give you answers." I wasn't entirely sure that I could actually answer his question, because I'm not sure if I could remember everyone. It had been such a long time.

"Okay, so my opinions on Rookie Nine…jeez, okay, Naruto is basically like a twin brother, but isn't exactly your "twin", but is actually your polar opposite, he's goofy, somewhat funny, and puts up a good fight. Kiba is basically the same as Naruto, except for the fact that I think that he loves his dog a little bit too much, and he's rather cocky." I already knew what was going on in the Nara's head. He was probably thinking about how arrogant he thought that was.

"Neji was a narcissist, and a hypocrite, and telling others what they can and cannot do, and really wasn't that much of a go-getter. Tenten had a little bit of an over-fascination of sharp objects. Lee was really peppy and annoying, though I have to admit, that he is one of the strongest ninjas I've ever seen in action. Sakura, of course, was kind of persistent of a relationship, but she always cared and loved me. Hinata was shy, though she did have her moments of glory where she really could kick someone's ass into next Tuesday. Choji was annoying, and really needed to get into a fighting mode, and honestly, I never think that he'll be one of the best ninjas, and I think others will forget about him once he's gone. And Ino…" There was always something that tingled in my stomach when I mentioned Ino. She's pretty, elegant Ino, she's smart, and she always stays with her teammates no matter what, and guards them with her life.

"Ino is a very nice person, she's very smart, and you're lucky to have her on your team." I finally muttered, my voice shy of mute.

"You forgot your opinion on Shino." The Nara stated this, not seeming really surprised that I forgot someone.

"Wait, who's Shino?" It was a legit question. I really had no clue who Shino was.

"Aburame Shino. He's the guy that always has the insects crawling throughout his whole body, and always asks, "You know why? Because…"." Shikamaru reminded me, not really seeming to remember the guy either, because he paused after he stated what the bug-guy usually said.

"Hn. Whatever, if I don't even remember him, than I don't have an opinion on him." It was true. I couldn't have an opinion on someone that I couldn't even bother to remember. With a loud sight, I slumped against he chair and stared endlessly at the ceiling, as if it were the most fascinating thing that my eyes had ever seen. Anything could be fascinating to someone as bored as me.

"And how do you feel on the subject of your own life? Including the death of your whole family, Akatsuki life, and your team life?" It was in the tone of an impatient sigh. I already knew that the poor guy was bored, probably more stressed out than I was.

This question took a lot of thought. How was I supposed to answer something like this? I don't know what to do or say about that, it's an impossible thing to think about, especially since you can't even tell your own emotions anymore.

"I don't know what to say."