Ben held out his hand. He had removed his black and metal helmet at this point. The helmet I had never even seen before.
"Why did he have that? Where did he get it?" I remembered my brain replaying this questions over and over like a broken droid unit.
"Jaina! Please! We have to go!" he yelled out through the rain. His desperation clicked in my brain.
My brother. Go with him. He will keep me safe.
I took his black, gloved hand in mine. He pulled me up softly from the thick mud I had collapsed in to hid against a tree. I had hid there like he told me to. I hid there, listening to the sounds of screaming and other scary things I couldn't comprehend at the age of nine.
I had been practicing. Everything was fine.
He told me to hide.
Then, everyone was dead.
Ben led me through the giant, flat, muddy landscape to a ship. The ship's red lights created a stark light on the field. My eyes couldn't leave the dozens of bodies lying everywhere. I had never seen a dead body before.
I looked up at my brother. His helmet had been put back on. All of his friends, tall like him, had their helmets on too...Like they had something to hide.
We boarded the ship.
He sat me down while someone piloted the ship into space.
"Ben, where's Mom and Dad?" I asked as he wrapped a towel around me.
He stood up very straight. He was quiet. I shivered in the cold of the ship.
Ben removed his helmet and knelt down. His face was all scrunched...mad, sad...both?
"They are dead, Jaina," he told me. His voice was soft and slow.
Even then, somehow, I knew he was lying. No, I definitely knew. The force showed me the truth. But I just nodded. The other shocks of the day were already too much to handle.
Ben took my little hand in his again.
"So is Luke," he says. "We are all we have now."
"Where's Rey and Chewie and-," I started to question. A panic grew in my chest.
"Gone!" he suddenly screamed at me.
I cowered in my seat.
That was when I learned to never ask questions.
His voice was suddenly soft and quiet again, like a patient teacher.
"We have a new family now."
I watched as he looked over at the other figures in the room. All dark. All masked. Monsters in a nine year old's eyes. I didn't want a new family. I wanted mine.
"And we have a new master."
I relive that day every morning.
You know that time in the early hours when you are still vulnerable to your imagination? When your brain brings back the memories you never wanted to revive.
The nightmares and past visions have been growing more common. They plague my days. I can no longer sleep for more than an hour before one wakes me up in a puddle of sweat.
Every time I am ripped from my sleep, I sit in the middle of my room and meditate.
The force is really my only family. My only comfort.
Ben became Kylo, leaving my brother back on that field of slain Jedis.
I remember when I learned to never call him Ben again. That lesson left a permanent wound on my ear that took away most of the hearing on my left side. I was eleven.
He hasn't been my brother since. Just Kylo, a Knight of Ren, like me.
The Knights of Ren, led by Kylo, are slaves to Supreme Leader Snoke and his will.
I am his silent assassin. I do not travel with the First Order. I am a rogue moving through the galaxy doing whatever Snoke asks of me. He allows me to study any old holocrons I find, as long as I bring them back to him fully intact. I have become strong due to the information I have learned, both from ancient Siths and ancient Jedis.
I stand up from my meditation. I have been here for three hours trying to calm myself down. But too much is going on inside me.
I head out of my room down the hallway of our temple and home base.
The two Knights stand at attention outside of Snoke's room. They are always here.
I walk by them without as much as a glance.
I am not supposed to exist. They never acknowledge me. Only Snoke speaks to me.
He immediately knows why I am here.
"What are you afraid of, Jax?"
I kneel down in front of his chair. My eyes look at the floor. It is shiny and reflect my face back to me. I can see my eyebrows drawn together in fear.
"Master, I feel so much conflict within me," I say.
"That is understandable. The universe has been awoken in a way that I have never known. I, too, feel the conflict."
Then he murmurs something. I stay quiet knowing he is searching me for what troubles me.
"I feel hatred in you. For the first time ever. Why is that?"
I look up at him. Confused. I don't feel it.
"Look inside. Feel the hate. Who is it for?" he leans forward in his chair.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"Mmmmm," Snoke says, "Kylo."
I open my eyes in a silent understanding and agreement.
"Who do I feel this all of the sudden, Master?" I ask.
Snoke stands up and paces in front his chair. His movements are slow and methodical and show his age.
"Kylo killed Ben Solo's father. I believe that you feel that."
I watch Snoke as he looks at me for a response. I keep my mind clear and calm.
"Starkiller base was destroyed by the Resistance. General Huxley and Kylo Ren just returned. But they were able to destroy the main planets of the Republic."
I nod, "that is good. I would disprove of their actions if they failed to make some kind of dent in the Republic."
"Kylo is going to complete his training now."
I clench my jaw. Jealous that Kylo is always the favorite.
"What will you have me do, Master?"
"Find Luke Skywalker."
I look at him questioningly.
"Yes, he is alive. Find him and his apprentice. Kill Luke. Bring me the apprentice."
I stand up and bow deeply, "yes, Master."
"And Jax, use any means necessary to complete this task."
I know that this means I am allowed to use the force powers and sith magic long supressed in the universe. I am allowed to use anything I have learned along my way.
I bow again and leave the room.
As I walk down the hall I see Huxley and Kylo. Kylo limps behind Huxley. A large scar marks his face, and I do not see his helmet in his arms nor his saber.
His eyes meet mine. For the first time since childhood, I see sadness in his eyes. Then when he really read my eyes, I see confusion and conflict. I think because, for the first time in a long time, my brother is showing through Kylo, and all he sees in my eyes is hatred for him. His little sister, who once loved and looked up to him…cannot stand the sight of him.
I turn my head without a word and keep walking.
He killed my father. And I may not be Jaina anymore, but I will hate Kylo for her.