Part 2
Memory could be strange. Memory could be tricky. It's odd how sometimes it can remember some things from the past, a sense of familiarity will flood one yet… yet sometimes things aren't as remembered, as they were expected to be.
Remember.
Remember.
The past.
The village.
The people. The houses and forest.
The fun moments.
A group of friends. With whom many adventures – and troubles – had been experienced.
There's one friend.
I remember him…
The mop of dark green hair, always a mess, always dirty, which kind of went along with his dirt-smudged face more often than not. He would be dressed in the simplest shirt and trousers, both quite threadbare.
A cheeky smile always on that face. Mischief not much distant from his expression.
We… played a lot together…
The recollection brought a wave of pain. Thunderous and immense, overwhelming and intense, the one that hit hard and left one breathless.
I see flashes of something. Too fast.
They're big. Where did my friend go? Why am I being dragged to the rundown houses at the edge of the village?
Fire?
But the cruel hands holding down hurt.
Hey! Let me go!
The laughter is ruthless, accompanied by a lot of voices calling slurs. A grubby hand curls around the chin, squeezing, at the same time that it's raised to the menacing face.
What do you want? I didn't do anything.
The fist that was punching did it with such force that the breath whooshes out, pain radiating out. And then things got worse, with being thrown into the dusty ground and kicked and punched some more.
The hot irons that appeared in his line of sight were scary.
What? No!
The pain was such that everything faded out.
That'll teach you to stay in line…
The threat was hanging over him, ominously, before everything flickered out.
Some days were so normal, with usual clear sky and sunshine, the usual movement of the crowds and people, the usual breath of the town almost, that it seemed kind of wondrous on how they could end up with such a crushing, overwhelming effect in one's life.
Of course that not every normal day was going to be earthshattering.
Until they were, that is.
Natsu was walking down the street, coming from the marketplace. His surroundings were still filled with people, scents – some of them not all that pleasant – noises. Natsu walked calmly. He had left Happy at the guild and was supposed to have one of his meetings with Gray later on.
The meetings with Gray…
They were… odd.
On the one hand, he felt really well and with a sort of belonging but there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind that brought a tinge of unease.
Natsu had wondered about that, thought about it, tried to discover what that feeling was. But no, he wasn't able to. It was as if he had a closed box, the lock closed and the key was missing.
The fire mage wondered about what might be inside that box, though the tinge of unease made him think that it was better if he remained unaware.
Suddenly he was pushed aside, going so far as to knock against another person, by an irate group of people. Some old ladies and men were heading towards the market, the bluster they created drowning the usual noises from the sellers and crowds.
Natsu straightened himself quickly, giving an apologetic nod to the person he'd crashed into but his attention didn't take long to turn towards the group of people.
Then he caught what they were saying.
The words…
They were the key to that closed box inside of Natsu. Angry and sharp, hurtful and hateful, echoing from deep in the recesses of his mind, mixing with the ones being uttered out loud.
The hate and disgust, the haughtiness and surety. The pain.
The pain returned.
The burn mark on his right hip, thick and long, unknown of when it'd been made but with a strange sense of deservedness to it.
Now Natsu knew how it had ended there.
He kind of wished he still didn't remember because suddenly the feeling of dirtiness began to crawl all over his skin. He was disgusting, right?
The traces of pain from that one time returned, making his breath catch in his throat. Only now it was so much worse. Because he knew what it was but it didn't feel bad yet, the knowledge that it was disgusting had been beaten into him.
Natsu stood in the middle of the street, unmoving.
He was feeling torn.
Torn between heading to Gray's and possibly committing the act of horribleness one last time or just calling it off right away.
He had to choose.
He could do it one more time, right?
One last time before calling it off.
Because… it felt right but he knew that it was wrong.
Just… one last time…
Natsu headed to Gray's house. A path taken so many times that it was almost automatic, just like going to the guild, his own house or Lucy's – to pester her.
His feet took him and everything went as usual. The two mages didn't speak much, indulging in the other's presence and body.
Natsu thrust into Gray and saw all the reactions he was able to evoke, their bodies so in sync that it didn't take long for them to free fall into pleasure.
Natsu lay on top of Gray, still weak from the pleasure and, at the same time, trying to memorize everything, how it was, one last time. He raised slightly, forehead on Gray's collarbone before moving his lips to brush against the skin above Gray's heart. Lips moving against the skin in a confession that would never be uttered out loud, barely thought. One last time.
And then, it was time.
With stiff limbs, Natsu slipped out, sat on the edge of the bed with his back turned to Gray – for he knew that he couldn't look at the ice mage when the words that were going to leave his mouth emerged. They would just shatter everything.
It went as well as expected – which was to say, not well at all.
Natsu picked his clothes, headed to the door. Not daring to look back.
It felt as if he'd been encased in ice. His skin was now a chipped armour that was just cracking and melting away, he was leaving the wrongness and do the right thing, right?
Putting on his clothes Natsu left Gray's house, a heavy weight on his chest.
Yet, he couldn't look back.
His feet took him to Lucy's house.
She had her window open and a cheery voice came from inside.
Natsu stopped. Wondered.
What's the next step?
To show that you're not that.
How do I…?
Do what you must.
But what?
Do what's normal, not disgusting.
But…
A flare of pain echoed on Natsu's shoulder. He nearly flinched.
Well, I do love Lucy. Just… do I love her like that? I do… Do I?
With that Natsu headed inside. He knocked on the door and Lucy opened, brow furrowing slightly at seeing him like that. Natsu gave her a faint smile.
"… Natsu?" the blonde mage asked.
"Can I…?" Natsu waved inside.
"Oh, of course. Come in." Lucy nearly pulled him inside and to sit at the table. She was looking slightly puzzled. "What's wrong? You seem a bit weird." She forced a smile. "Are you hungry?" She quickly added, trying to fill the silence. She stood and began heading to the kitchen but was interrupted when Natsu spoke.
"Lucy…" Natsu looked at her with a too serious look. "I… wanted to ask you something."
"Huh, okay. Tell me." She knelt beside the fire mage once again. The air of puzzlement back.
"Will you go out with me?" Natsu asked bluntly, looking down at the table.
"Wha- what?" The blonde mage blinked, shocked. Her mouth fell open before she caught herself and straightened up. "Did you just…"
Natsu let his head fall down onto the table with a heavy clunk before a hand covered his. The fire mage looked up. To see Lucy beaming down at him.
"Of course I will!" She said with a smile, lacing the fingers of their hands together.
Natsu gave her a tremulous smile.
This is the right thing to do. He told himself firmly. Even if the heavy weight was now feeling heavier than he could possibly bear.
Dating Lucy wasn't as bad as he feared. The two mages got along quite well even if the celestial mage had to reel Natsu in sometimes. She got quite adept of teasing Natsu and sometimes she would slap him when he was going too over the top. It was… comforting. In a different way.
Their dates were also a good distraction, not only did they get to hang out in many places – often with Happy around – but also took him away from the guild, where he could have some… unpleasant encounters.
Natsu didn't speak to Gray anymore. Or, if they did get a word out it would be something neutral, said in passing.
Yet, Natsu still observed the ice mage. He saw him getting close with Juvia. Too close.
And something that he knew he had no right in feeling blossomed, he got jealous.
He couldn't stomach seeing how they were having fun together, Gray rising again from the predicament Natsu had left him in. It wasn't right. Natsu didn't like it, didn't allow for it to happen. Gray couldn't.
Yet, he knew that he could and should.
Do the right thing.
The fire mage still had to bite his lower lip and curl his hands into fists, making the nails plunge into the skin, focus all of his attention on Lucy or whoever was talking so that he wouldn't go and yell at Gray.
And it worked.
He was happy with Lucy.
Gray was happy with Juvia.
Everything was as it should.
Except that something felt wrong.
Terribly wrong.
One day, he couldn't take it anymore. He followed Gray when the ice mage went to the bathroom. Confronted him in the hallway.
Their tempers clashed, like they hadn't in a long time.
"I wanted to talk to you, ice brain." The words came unbidden. A slight relief for being able to talk to the ice mage. But he scowled, he shouldn't interact with Gray. He could hardly look at him – but the sneak peeks helped.
"Hm, tough luck. I don't have anything to talk to you." The words said in a tight voice were like a punch in his gut – even if Natsu knew that he deserved it. As Gray attempted to circumvent him and return to the main room, Natsu grasped at his forearm in desperation.
"What?" Gray asked as he turned around to glare at Natsu.
"Stop that." The growl that left Natsu had no right existing.
"Stop what?" Gray seemed confused.
"What you're doing. You shouldn't." He continued, feeling with certainty that he just put his foot in his mouth. He let his hand be shaken away.
"But I'm not doing anything! Did you hit your head or something? Is your brain more melted than usual?" Gray retorted. "Besides, you don't have anything to do with what I do or don't. You lost any right."
"It was the right thing to do." Was the answer. The only answer possible.
"I don't care." Gray's words made it feel as if Natsu had just been doused with frozen water. "Now, let me go back. Juvia's waiting for me." And with that Gray attempted to head back to the main room.
"But I don't want you to." The words came out of Natsu harshly. A truth he wasn't supposed to let out.
"Ah! You really have some gall. First you… ah! Fuck it. You're not worth my time." The look Gray threw at Natsu before shaking his head was the worst.
"What we were doing was wrong." Natsu finally said, the weakest defence but the only one he had.
"Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?" Confusion had spread out onto Gray's face.
"Me and you. I… realized and heard that it's wrong." Natsu's words were a weak mumble. "So we can't do anything."
"Wow, you're stupid." Gray retorted sarcastically. "Besides, since when do you care about what other people think?"
"I don't! But it depends on the people. I heard them talking about it and how it was gross." Disgusting, unnatural, dirty. And Natsu knew how they could hurt him by being different.
"I don't really care about who you heard but, that was a really shitty thing to do. Not only to me but, to Lucy? I don't know what you're playing at but you're not acting like that Natsu I know." The look Gray threw at him crushed Natsu.
"I am!" The shout came before he realized he was doing it, as was the grasping of Gray's shoulder. "But I haven't been feeling well about this and I still like you, Gray. I just…" Natsu was confused, not being able to withstand the other's sight.
"Seriously, Natsu. What the fuck?" Gray's tone was of disbelief.
"Gray…" Natsu found himself pleading.
"No! Natsu. What the fuck? Why didn't you say anything?" Natsu's mouth twitched up momentarily, it wasn't funny but it wasn't every day that you heard Gray's 'you're in trouble' voice. "I mean, why didn't you tell me anything? We could talk about it before you went and did that!"
"I wasn't sure if we could talk…" And it was true. They hadn't.
"Why wouldn't we?" Gray's temper was beginning to flare again.
"We never talked about anything. I didn't think we could? Those weren't the rules." It was what Natsu believed and knew. "We didn't even talk about what we had."
"Well, I didn't think we had to talk. But you have a point." Gray finally conceded, voice going back to normal. "However, I don't think that this is the right place to do this." Gray let out a snort.
"What do you want to do, then?" Natsu asked, challengingly.
"Meet me at the park near the guild. I don't know why I'm doing this, I guess that some of your stupidity has rubbed on me after all." Gray said with finality before pushing past Natsu and leaving Natsu alone.
The fire mage gulped.
Is this good or bad? He couldn't help but ask himself.
"I'm here." Gray said gruffly. He leaned against the bark of a tree, leaving Natsu sitting on the grass, where he'd been waiting.
"Yeah." Natsu replied noncommittally. He was consciously not looking at Gray.
"So, can you explain me about whatever hare-brained idea that was?" The ice mage inquired.
"What was that? What we had?" Natsu asked suddenly.
"And now you're changing the conversation." Gray stated, crossing his arms. "Well then, I'll say my part and leave." Gray took a breath. "I thought that things were well between us. But one day you put a stop to things – and let me tell you, good one…" Gray shot a quick and meaningful glance at the fire mage's head before averting his eyes and continuing. "And then on the next day you're dating Lucy and you put a wall of silence between us. Fine, I can deal with that." Gray shrugged. "And now, allow me to go on with my life. Bye." Gray straightened himself up and made to leave.
"So you don't like me anymore…" The words came out sadly, before Natsu put a stop to them.
"That doesn't have anything to do with this!" Gray snapped. "Sheesh! You seriously fuck up but then, ugh. I'm done." Gray turned on his heel and took a few steps.
"Wait, Gray, come on. I…" Natsu stood up and took a few steps after Gray.
"You, nothing-" Gray said seriously.
"But… I didn't mean to." Natsu said in a defeated voice.
"But you did." Gray snapped.
"What we were doing was disgusting!" Natsu finally yelled.
Gray stood still for long moments, almost as if he'd become a statue of ice. Then he threw a really pissed off, truly irate glare at Natsu and took the few steps that separated them.
"You better not address me ever again." Gray said in a toneless voice. "I'm through with you. And, to think that I had some feelings for you." Gray's face scrunched up in anger. "No… I'm out and I might do something regrettable if you step into my life again." With that Gray pushed Natsu back, with all his might. Made the fire mage fall on his ass. He was looking stricken.
With that Gray turned on his heel and left Natsu alone.
Shit.
Natsu closed his eyes, chest flaring with pain. He punched the ground beside him, making a small crater. The pain flaring from his hand wasn't able to so much as distract Natsu from the mess he'd just done.
I have to come clean, then… The thought ran through his mind over and over as he paced in front of Lucy's building. He had to go inside. But did he have the courage to? Natsu stopped, slapped both of his cheeks and steeled himself.
Here goes nothing.
"Ah, Natsu. I'm glad you came. Look, I was trying this new recipe for cookies, Levy told me that they were foolproof and that you dragonslayer types do seem to love them." She gave him a wink.
Natsu let out a sigh. He felt bad.
"Lucy, wait a moment." He stopped the celestial mage and took her to the room, so that they sat at the table. "I… I have to tell you something."
"Okay… that doesn't sound good." Lucy nodded, tensing up.
"Well. It's not." Natsu began, only to pause and take a deep breath. "The thing is…" Natsu's stiltedness made Lucy grab his hand to try to comfort him but he pulled back his hand, as if burned.
"Natsu?" There was confusion alongside with concern in her gaze now.
"The thing… I think that Gray and I were something." Natsu stood up, back turned to the blonde mage.
"You and Gray?" Lucy was surprised. "But… oh, I never noticed. But you haven't been talking, for a while now…" she mused. "Did something happen? Is this what it is about?"
"Yes and no." Natsu replied dejectedly. "I… there were some things from a long time ago, see? And, they were right. What I did with Gray was disgusting, was awful-"
"What are you talking about? Natsu?" Lucy tried to interject.
"So I had to break it off. It wasn't the right thing. It was wrong. Wrong." Natsu continued, not paying attention to her. "So I came and did the right thing. Coming to-"
"Wait…" Lucy said suddenly, the room becoming very still, the near-manic energy coming off Natsu being stopped by the near glacial air that was coming off Lucy. "Let me get this straight… you broke it off with Gray and then came to me? Was I the right thing? Are you telling me that you used me?" The tone of her voice was raising, as she stood. Fury etched in her face, Lucy threw the first thing she got her hands on at Natsu, a pillow.
"I… yes and no?" Natsu tried to defend himself pathetically.
"I can't believe this-!" Lucy said in a disbelieving tone. "You mocked my feelings for you and used me so that you could something!?" She threw her arms into the air, menacingly walking to Natsu.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to but, please, I have to explain, need to understand…" He stopped abruptly when Lucy slapped him.
"Get out." Lucy said in a barely controlled voice. When Natsu didn't move she grabbed his arm and dragged him to the door. "Get out!" She yelled, the first tears beginning to slide down her cheeks.
That was the last thing Natsu saw before the door was slammed shut in his face.
Natsu walked towards the guild, feeling sad and terrible. He just wanted to sleep and not awake ever again. He'd made a huge mess. And it probably wasn't going to end well, unfortunately.
While turning one corner he nearly crashed against one of the persons he least wanted to see.
Juvia.
"Natsu-san." Juvia nodded at him.
Natsu didn't say anything else, just continued dragging his feet while heading to the guild.
"Natsu-san. Juvia thinks that there's a conversation that's long overdue…" she placed a hand on the fire mage's shoulder, effectively stopping him.
"You want to talk?" Natsu said in an almost deadened tone of voice, so at odds with his usual one.
"Juvia thinks that it would be good to clear some things up." Juvia led the pair to a bench that was near the riverside. They sat and a strange silence rose between them.
"What did you want to tell me?" Natsu said with a sigh, slouching on the seat.
"Juvia has seen what Natsu-san did to Gray-sama." The water mage began, stiltedly. She turned to the fire mage and threw him an unfathomably glance. "It… wasn't what she expected."
"What are you talking about?" Natsu ran a hand over his face.
"Juvia didn't understand the reason, even if it was against her wishes…" She turned more fully towards Natsu. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Is Natsu-san pretending to be dumb?" The water mage asked, tilting her head slightly.
"Dumb about what?" Natsu rolled his eyes, beginning to be put off.
"The reason as to why Natsu-san and Gray-sama broke up. Juvia hasn't asked Gray-sama but… she thinks she might ask Natsu-san that."
"Fine." Natsu stood, unable to contain the energy that suddenly seemed to have flooded through him. "Here's the thing. It was wrong. Disgusting. Two men should never…"
"Does Natsu-san really think that?" Juvia leaned slightly forward, attentively.
"Huh. Yeah?" The slight contortion to Natsu's expression showed how uncertain he was. "I mean, yes and no."
"Yes and no…?" Juvia repeated.
"Yeah. I know that what we did was wrong even if…" he bit down on his lip.
"If what? Juvia thinks that Natsu-san isn't sure." The water mage stood. "And it might be harmful to Juvia but Gray-sama is hurt. Natsu-san is hurting Gray-sama."
"I haven't done anything for a long time." Natsu scoffed.
"No. Natsu-san lies." The blue-haired mage took a step towards Natsu. "Natsu-san know what is and isn't true. Was it good?"
"What was it?" Natsu was surprised at the non-sequitur.
"When Natsu-san was with Gray-sama. How did it feel?" Juvia took another step.
"…" Natsu bit his lip. "It was… good." He said in a low, barely audible, voice.
"And still, Natsu-san says that it was disgusting?"
"No. It wasn't disgusting, being with Gray. It felt right but they-" Natsu stopped abruptly.
"Who are they?" Juvia enquired.
"I… I can't… they'll hurt me more." Natsu closed his eyes and shook his head.
The water mage seemed to hesitate.
"Were they the ones who told Natsu-san that it was wrong?" She asked after a moment, after allowing Natsu to calm down.
"It… I…" Natsu was confused.
"Natsu-san." Juvia said softly, a hand brushing over the fire mage's shoulder. "Whoever did that is wrong. And they can't hurt you anymore."
"Wrong?" Natsu queried, at a loss.
"Yes, Natsu-san. There is nothing wrong about loving someone, be it a man or a woman." She paused. "The feelings are what matter. One day they might reach the person you love. But speaking of them is also important."
"Gray said…" Natsu looked to his side, at the water. "But he never said…"
"Natsu-san shouldn't throw the blame to other people. Juvia knows about that…" she also threw a glance at the water.
"So, not disgusting…?" Natsu repeated.
"No, Juvia doesn't think so. However, Natsu-san needs to apologize to Gray-sama and Lucy-san. It wasn't a good thing…" The water mage gave Natsu a tiny smile. "It is late. Juvia needs to sleep." She said, the undercurrent of tension between the two mages easing off then. She was about to turn on her heel and leave but then paused and smiled at Natsu again. "Despite everything, Juvia will do everything she can. She won't lose Gray's affection." With that, she left.
Natsu sat down on the bench. He was feeling winded.
So what I thought was right was wrong? How…?
The fire mage let his breath out in a whoosh, tilting his head to the sky. He couldn't exactly see stars but the conversation he'd just had – with the most unexpected person – left him with a lot to think about. And a massive headache at the mess he'd made of his life.
The following times were difficult for Natsu.
Both Lucy and Gray were royally pissed at him and it was difficult to catch either of them alone. They were doing a wonderful job avoiding him.
Natsu got a few approving nods from Juvia – and that still surprised him immensely – for his efforts.
The fire mage's hopes dimmed. He knew that he'd been the worst asshole but he still knew that he cared deeply about both Gray and Lucy.
In the end, it was the water mage who gave him the final help into getting the three of them in the same place.
Natsu was only told to be inside the room at a certain time – and he did.
Surprisingly, he saw Lucy and then Gray get inside.
As soon as the mages saw him, they started heading to the door.
"Wait! Please. I… I just want to apologize." Natsu said in a whoosh, lest he lost his chance.
"Why should we?" Gray asked, glacially.
"I know that what I did was really shitty, I know. Just… I really didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't… I want to apologize for being a terrible friend, for doing those shitty things, for acting in that poor way. I know that I only deserve your disregard now but, please, give me the chance to regain your trust. I know that what I did just broke everything and… I don't want that." He said his tirade in a row, taking a few gasps of air when he ended. Then he waited expectantly.
"What you did Natsu…" Lucy began. She shook her head. "I don't know. You hurt me, really hurt me."
"I know. I didn't think…" Natsu said, tongue-tied. He stomped his foot, frustrated.
"How do you see this, then?" Gray asked after a while.
"I don't know. I mean, I know there are feelings-" he raised his hands as he saw the other two tense up. "I don't want to think about that. I need to grow up and learn some things about myself, by myself. I just want us to try to be friends again. And yes, I do know that I'm asking too much but-"
"Sheesh, you're acting all weird now." Lucy scoffed.
"Huh?" Natsu blinked.
"I guess that it was all those flames, melted his brain. He's another person now." Gray muttered.
"What are you two talking about." Natsu asked, confused.
"I guess that I'm saying that, okay, it'll be better for all if we sort these things between us." Gray said.
"Yeah, things were quite strange as of late." Lucy added.
"So…"
"Yes, I accept your apology. But I need time. I don't want to see you in front of me so soon." Gray shrugged.
"Agreed. It'll be better if we keep our distances. Go slowly." Lucy agreed.
"Ah- okay. I see." Natsu nodded.
With that, the other mages left Natsu alone.
The fire mage sat down on a crate heavily. Letting out a relieved breath.
I have a chance, still. After fucking up like that.
Natsu nodded to himself, silently promising that he was going to work hard to regain their friendship and trust once again.
A/N: Okay, finally the conclusion to this story. It was an interesting idea, I guess. Hopefully it didn't disappoint too much.
Feels good to having finished this even if I felt like I had way too much fun tormenting Natsu. ^^
Unbetaed.
And now I wonder if I should ask for feedback.
Ah, by the way, I just wanted to say one thing. This is my story, I write it how I want to. Please don't read a story if it's not what you like, it's easy, just backbutton and go find a story more to your liking. Thanks for reading.