dedication: to Sara and my giggle fits at the thought of this fic.
summary: Baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
notes: Please remember that this is now one year after the last chapter.
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baby in the bag—
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"But where th' hell're my nachos?"
Suigetsu wasn't ever going to understand why Naruto prided himself in being the better cook out of the five (which, in all honesty, was a surprise in itself) if he took a lifetime to prepare something as simple as nachos. Like, Suigetsu just wanted to eat, okay? His favorite movie was on and he wanted some food!
Why'd he offer if he was taking so long?!
He groaned, slouching down in the ugly-shit-green armchair, feeling as if he was at death's door.
"Na—"
And then the doorbell rang.
Suigetsu pursed his lips, figuring someone else could get it. If not, then they could just let it ring until the person on the other side got bored or something. Seriously, who the hell came over to their place, anyway? Was it FedEx or something? Was it one of the girls' he hooked up with that decided they wanted something more? Because if so, they were in for a rude awakening.
The doorbell rang again.
Suigetsu shifted in his seat.
"You want to get that, lazy fuck?" Sasuke asked as he descended from the stairs, making his way down to the basement.
Which they dubbed their lounge—foosball, pool, a good seating arrangement and a TV better than the one he was currently staring at. Suigetsu sighed, deciding that the world wanted to end his life and that's why Naruto was taking so long with his nachos and the door was ringing.
"Here, you impatient little cunt," Naruto growled, shoving a plate of deliciously made nachos into his hands.
Everything made sense again.
Grinning, he popped about three chips into his mouth, chewing and sucking the cheese and chili off of his fingers as he walked towards the door. He yanked it open, taking a bite off of an extra big chip; no one was around… Not on the right, not on the left… There was a chick at the sidewalk, talking on the phone but she didn't seem to be the one that rang…
There was a gurgle.
Suigetsu looked down.
"Th' fuck?"
There was a car seat.
With a baby.
Inside it and staring at him with big black eyes and a smile on her saliva-coated lips.
Suigetsu blinked.
And then closed the door, shrugging.
He turned away from the door and walked back down the foyer and towards the living room, scarfing his nachos up with mucho gusto. He made a pit stop into the kitchen, yanking it open and snatching a bottle of beer and heading towards his favorite armchair. He sat down with a deep, satisfied sigh, digging into the side-pouch of his armchair and taking out a bottle opener.
"Who was it?"
Suigetsu looked up, bringing the rim of the bottle to his lips and taking a gulp. Sasuke had resurfaced from the basement, still shirtless and with grease stains here and there and under his nails from his return home from work.
"S'a baby."
"…What?" Sasuke paused his advance towards the kitchen's pantry, turning around to look at Suigetsu with a confused face.
"S'a baby," Suigetsu drawled a bit slower because clearly he was dealing with a fucking idiot.
"Who's a baby?" Neji asked descending the stairs with his backpack slung on one of his shoulders.
"Suigetsu says there's a baby outside," Sasuke elaborated, "and that it was the one ringing the bell."
Naruto came out of the bathroom, face scrunched up with a look that seriously wondered what was up with Suigetsu and how stupid could he actually get?
The doorbell rang again and the three of them gave Suigetsu a nasty look before they all headed towards the door. Suigetsu sighed in annoyance, setting his nachos on the ground, and walking after them, chugging his beer as he went. Sasuke was the one that snatched the door open, reeling in just as the others did, their eyes on the ground.
But they met a pair of beat up Chuck Taylors with scrunched up socks. And those led up nice long legs hiding behind a pair of dark skinny jeans. And those led up to a nice curvy torso, acceptable chest and all with a nice light v-neck to show off a nice cleavage. And that neck, Suigetsu observed, nodding his head in approval. All holding up a pretty face—dark eyes, thick lashes, thin lips and long black hair.
"Che?"
"Hey, I'm—"
"Who—"
"Kin?"
They turned towards Sasuke, all three repeating, "Kin?"
"Sasuke," Kin said, holding the baby that Suigetsu had apparently seen.
All four pair of eyes zeroed in on it—what was it, Suigetsu wondered. Like, was it an alien; did it have those things fishes need to breathe. What was the name of those things again? Was it a monster?
"I had to ask Itachi about where you lived," she said, her voice sultry and a bit apathetic. "I have something for you."
"Something for me?" Sasuke asked.
"I'm bored already," Neji muttered under his breath, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"Meet Hotaru," Kin said, handing Sasuke the baby. "She is your daughter and your responsibility now."
They all stumbled back, hearing the same white noise—a ringing loud and deafening, in their ears.
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"YOU HAVE A BABY," Naruto screeched for the millionth time, pacing in and out of the foyer. "DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CONDOMS OR NOT?"
Neji had left after the initial shock, muttering about needing to get to class and that someone should go buy baby diapers and formula or something. Suigetsu was munching on the last of his nachos, turning from the pacing and horrified Naruto to the still-in-shock Sasuke who sat on the grungy loveseat, the baby on his lap and his eyes glassed over with what was probably disbelief.
"OH JESUS, YOU FORGOT TO PULL OUT DIDN'T YOU," he ran a hand through his messy blond spikes. "OR WHAT. WHAT—THERE IS A BABY ON YOUR LAP. IT IS YOURS. SHE SWAM AND SHE MADE IT."
Suigetsu snickered. "That was funny."
Naruto's crazed blue eyes turned to him. "YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUNNY. THE BABY WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF NOW."
"Excuse you," Suigetsu said, lifting a finger up to make Naruto pause. "This baby ain't mine, thanks. Sasuke's th' one that put it in 'n forgot to take it out."
"I don't understand," Sasuke muttered to himself, slowly turning to the little girl on his lap. She entertained herself by sucking on her clasped hands, drooling everywhere and gurgling.
"Wha's there t' understand," Suigetsu went on, "You gots a baby."
The door was opened, then. Kiba strolled in, whistling the last few notes of the song he had been listening to on his ride home. He spared Naruto a glance, raising an eyebrow and asking, "What's got your dick in a twist?"
"Sasuke has a baby," Suigetsu chirped.
Kiba's attention turned towards Sasuke, his eyes landing on the baby girl on his lap. "Who'd you stick your dick into to get one of those?"
Sasuke muttered to himself, still trying to catch up to everything that was happening.
"Obviously a girl," Suigetsu scoffed, rolling his eyes as if Kiba was the biggest moron ever.
"You'd stick your dick in a hole in the wall, fucker, let me ask my questions."
Stalking further into the living room, Naruto gave Kiba a horrified expression. Was he—was he actually talking like that in front of the child? Was his brain so small that he couldn't make out the fact that there was a child in their hands now and he was talking as if he was in one of those damn bars they usually went into. Oh god, they couldn't even go to bars anymore.
Life was over.
Everything was over.
"Excuse you! There is a child in this room! Watch your language, you sick fuck!"
Kiba blinked his eyes, giving Naruto a blank expression. "...Do you even fucking listen to the words that come out of your mouth, Naruto."
Before Naruto could even say anything else, Sasuke looked up at them, his eyes wide with horror, complexion paler than natural.
"Guys, I have a baby." Which broke the dam holding everything in and suddenly he was running his mouth, speaking faster than Suigetsu as he said, "There is a baby on my lap. She is my baby. This is my baby. My blood flows in her veins. This is my daughter."
The look Kiba gave him basically said that he did a very good job at catching up and informing them all of the obvious. Sometimes Kiba thought he was the only one with a brain, around here.
"How did this happen? No, I know how this happened. But how did this happen—what the hell am I supposed to do now?!"
"Stop looking at me like that," Kiba said, "I dunno."
Suigetsu looked down at his empty plate, wondering if Naruto would be willing to make him some more. He was really hungry… But Naruto seemed too preoccupied with the new baby, walking over and taking her from Sasuke's lap, holding her up as if he was an expert and knew what exactly he was doing.
"D'you s'pose she likes nachos?" he asked, hoping she did so Naruto would be more willing to make him some more.
"It doesn't have teeth, fuckface!"
"…Oh."
Naruto returned her to Sasuke's lap, muttering to himself about needing to find his phone and text Hinata about all the stupidity his friends were capable of. He rushed up the stairs, leaving Sasuke, Kiba and Suigetsu in the living room… With a baby. There was silence in which Suigetsu kept sparing them glances and then turning back to the TV.
Sasuke looked stiff and a mess, trying to keep himself from having one of those weird episodes he would have, where he'd start seething and being a complete asshole. Although this one looked like he was about to have a meltdown…
And the baby started crying.
Sasuke shot off the couch, his eyes wide as he stared at Suigetsu and Kiba, gulping and completely clueless on what exactly he had to do. He shoved her into Kiba's arm, walking back until there was a good amount of space in between them. Kiba looked completely horrified, handing her to Suigetsu who, in turn, looked as if he was about to faint. He gave her back to Sasuke—or tried, Sasuke shook his head and clasped his hands behind his back. So Suigetsu gave her back to Kiba who shoved her to Sasuke's chest and held her there until Sasuke had no choice but to grab her.
Naruto sprinted down, giving them a look of disbelief as he snatched the baby out of Sasuke's arms.
She stopped crying and hugged him, holding onto his shirt as tight as she could.
He gave them all a dirty look—how stupid could they possibly be?
"She doesn't like me," Sasuke said.
Kiba sighed, "She's a baby; she doesn't like anyone."
"No, she doesn't like me..."
"Dude. Calm your dick. She's your baby. She likes you."
"She's probably just hungry," Naruto mentioned, rocking her.
They stared at each other.
There… There wasn't anything she could eat in here—she couldn't drink beer or rum or eat all the greasy food they had stored up; she didn't even have teeth!
Naruto sighed, "I'll get the car seat, then."
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They didn't get very far before Sasuke had to double park in front of someone's garage. It had already been a hassle trying to fix the car seat and buckle her in without hurting her, let alone the fact that Sasuke's car only had two doors so Naruto resurfaced, after successfully getting the job done, with air in between the knobs of his spine. And she kept crying and stopping every five minutes and where exactly where they supposed to go to find her food?
"D'you s'pose—"
"No, Suigetsu."
He pouted, sparing her a glance and lowering his head so he could mutter to her, "They never let me say a damn thing."
From the passenger's seat, Kiba said, "That's because nothing smart ever comes out of your mouth." He turned back to the three slightly more intelligent ones. "Maybe we should call someone, dudes..."
"No," Sasuke sighed, punching the bridge of his nose. "Obviously we have to go the mall."
"You just don't want your mom to know."
Sasuke paled at the mention of his mother. "She'd fucking kill me. Let's not ever call her."
Kiba shoved at him because clearly Sasuke wasn't as fucking smart as everyone thought he was. He was actually a complete idiot that forgot that some key facts. "Dude, you have a baby. Your sister comes over regularly. Your sister lives with your parents. Do you really fuckin' want Karin to tell your mom before you do?!"
Sasuke's entire existence just darkened as he muttered, "...Karin..."
"Look, we'll handle your mom and your sister later. Let's just get to the mall and find her a bottle and some formula, okay?" Naruto sighed, feeling like his ears would start bleeding soon if little Hotaru kept wailing the way she was.
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They wound up in front of a lingerie shop.
It didn't happen on purpose, they swore. They were just trying to find a place with baby stamped all over it but everything had shoes and body lotion and jewelry and skimpy girl clothes! And they were a pack of idiots who'd never really had to deal with a kid because they were either the baby out of their siblings, an only child or just eleven months older than their younger sibling.
They were absolutely clueless.
They blinked at the garter belts, the g-strings and the lacy bras.
"Uh," Kiba stuttered, clearing his throat. "This is how you make babies, not how you take care of them."
"Right."
"Hey, she's hot," Suigetsu muttered.
Naruto sighed, took out his cellphone and dialed a number.
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Neji found them sitting on the couches in the little lounges stationed every other seven stores for the poor husbands and boyfriends and grandparents that couldn't keep up with the shopping. Hotaru was sniffling, sitting on Naruto's lap and sucking on her hand. She wore nothing but a pink shirt and her diaper, her feet without any socks and Neji could only sigh.
He left class to find them like this.
He should have known they'd be a complete mess.
"Neji!"
He frowned at them, "You are all tactless, uneducated gorillas."
"She's hungry and so am I," Suigetsu said, shooting up from the couch, prepared on finding everything—including some food. Maybe they could go to that amazing burger joint across the mall…
Neji ignored him.
"Get that poor girl some socks, Naruto. You are all useless. Get up."
He would not have any of their shit—they were so stupid. So goddamn stupid; god, what was he going to fucking do with them?
Naruto shot up from his seat, settling Hotaru on his hip and raising a finger at Neji, his blue eyes wild with disbelief. He was so offended; he could actually punch a bitch right then and there. "HEY. WE'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR COZ OF ME. THESE IDIOTS WERE PLAYING HOT POTATO WITH HER."
He had turned away in his attempt to lead the way to the right store, but when Neji turned around to give Naruto a look… It was a look that told Naruto he should shut up and do as told. "You only got this far because you are dating my cousin. Hand her over, and find me socks, do you understand."
Naruto deflated, handing Hotaru to Sasuke and searching the car seat for her little pink socks.
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They returned home with bags upon bags of baby stuff, a box with the pieces of a crib, another one for her changing table, another one for her seat at the table, another one for her baby walker and very empty pockets.
Hotaru was asleep, resting her head on Neji's shoulder, after drinking all of her formula on the drive back home.
They all stood in the living room, staring at the bags and the boxes on the floor.
Neji grabbed all the pillows he could fit one of his hands, building a fort on the ground in case Hotaru rolled over and fell from the couch he was setting her down on. It was only temporary, until they built her crib, Neji reminded himself, completely appalled at leaving her on such a dangerous place.
"Well," Naruto said, "Shall we?"
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That night, Sasuke stared at the little lump inside the crib right next to his bed. He watched as it rose and fell, softly, with every breath Hotaru took.
He didn't… It was still so difficult to wrap his mind around—that little lump was his kid… He had a fucking kid. A little person to take care of, one that now went before anything and everything and one that he had to think about before making any sort of decision. It was… surreal… Was this real life? Was this really happening?
Did Kin—his sort-of-friend-but-really-friend-with-benefit friend from Oto—actually show up on his front door and told him the baby she was giving him was… his? Theirs? They had a baby? An accident?
He exhaled, long and slow and tired.
How exactly was this going to work?
A better question: how was he supposed to tell his mother?
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