Jaune's Bizarre Realities
Universe 1: To Catch A Predator - Eromanga-sensei Abridged Short
It was just your ordinary day in an ordinary house, just a big brother cooking some dinner for his little sister! "Ah sweet, this salad's coming along nicely!" Our favorite blonde knight said happily, even though his food was currently on fire…
"That's not how cooking even works!" Yelled Yang as a look of outrage made its way onto her that, all of the viewers look over to her with quirked brows, to
which she chuckles sheepishly, "Cooking is a thing I learned to do young, and seeing someone call that 'salad' good is just insane." She said, ah, that makes sense.
However, before he could finish making his dinner the doorbell rang, "KNOCK, KNOCK!" It should be pretty obvious who that is.
"Eh? Fuck, is it the cult of Ozpin again? I already paid for my membership- Hi! Oh. Why is this random kid at my door?" He asked the child in front of him, now he wasn't a pedo and he didn't really like children, so there should be no reason for some random little girl to just waltz in front of his house.
"Listen, I don't want your girl scout cookies, go away, please." He said in hopes of 'politely' letting her know she's not welcomed.
"Well, it's rather rude to assume that she's selling cookies, she could be selling chocolates or something. One should keep an open mind." Ozpin said wisely as he sipped from his mug.
"You're just saying that because you want to know what they're selling." Said Ms. Goodwitch, it seems that this isn't the first time this has happened.
"This 'random' kid has a name! And it's Ruby Rose!" The now proclaimed Ruby said in a rather prideful tone, despite the fact that Jaune could barely give a damn about a stranger invading his precious cooking time.
"Wait! I don't care. I'm kind of in the middle of cooking an exquisite dish so you know, fuck right off." He told Ruby, It was only fair that she received the most heartwarming 'get out' comment. Unfortunately it seems 'his exquisite dish is producing even more smoke than before.
"Why is Jaune acting so mean, does he even know me in this universe?" Ruby asked no one in particular.
"What I want to know is why he left the stove on! Turn off the stove you idiot!" Yang yelled, still being mad about Jaune desecrating the sacred art of cooking.
In response to this she tilted herself to try and look at his cooking, Jaune tilted in the same direction to block her view "Hey! No peeping! Shouldn't you be at Signal or something?" Jaune asked, it wasn't everyday that you'd see a kid skip classes in Signal… Then again, it is the only school on Patch…
"Shouldn't your little sister Weiss be at school as well?" Ruby asked him as her retort.
"I'm his what?!" Weiss exclaimed, she couldn't be related to that dunce! She was a Schnee and he was… not, and the idea of him being related to him in any way made her want to cease existing.
"My glorious, Adorable (non-blood-related) little sister has no need for this school you speak of." He made sure to emphasize the non-blood-related part in the form of muttering.
Weiss let out a sigh of relief as she heard they weren't related, but then, another thing clicked in her mind, "He's still infatuated with me?! Even after being siblings by law?!" She yelled out, to which most of the other viewers in the room chuckled.
"She's beyond that! And I'm sure that RIGHT now she's busy doing more, important… thingies." Honestly, Jaune didn't know what Weiss did besides drawing Hentai, speaking of Weiss she's currently wrapped around her bed sheets searching something up.
'Okay to want to fuck my brother?' Was the question that she put in, however, her embarrassment got the better of her and she just sank further into her bedsheets.
"I demand that someone place a bullet into the side of my head because I refuse to think that an alternate version of myself would reciprocate that dunces feelings!" She yelled out, and Pyrrha nearly seemed happy to oblige. Nearly…
Ren was just happy that most of them didn't know what hentai was, but Blake knew, oh Blake knew a lot about it. No, she was not an avid viewer of hentai.
"Can you leave now?" Jaune really didn't have the time for this, his salad may be ruined if he doesn't hurry up!
"You're so rude! Doesn't my adorable appearance make your heart skip a beat? Make you fall head over heels and go, 'Oh baby I'm gon' make you feel good tonight!' And tear my clothes off in the heat of the moment and have your way with me?" To emphasize her point, Ruby blinked twice.
"Wahhhh?" Unfortunately Jaune didn't get the point so she immediately started blinking rapidly and made a frustrated groan as she kept doing it.
Ozpin was having a really tough time watching this, not because it was just his students, but because he had seen this before, except it was between Summer and Taiyang… and they were actually legal when it happened. Except Tai didn't actually catch onto the hints that Summer dropped and ended up with Raven, what a fool.
Qrow was having an even worse time considering that he lived in the same room as both of his best friends, and to see history repeat itself, well, he was having flashbacks.
"What kind of things have your parents been teaching you?" Jaune was genuinely curious in what kind of household this Ruby Rose lived in, he knew for a fact that not many little girls had those types of… Fantasies.
"Hmm. Not much, my mom did teach me how to handle a good DICK! though." Her voice became shockingly manly as the d word came out of her mouth.
"Excuse me what did her Mom teach her to do?!" Weiss yelled out, the very idea that someone would teach their child to do such a disturbing thing at such a young age shocked her.
"I swear she didn't, I've never even seen one!" Ruby yelled in her defense, she was not enjoying this universe so far. Although, the thought of her and Jaune… no, it is forbidden, Pyrrha wanted him first. However, if she ever failed then he was up for grabs.
Taiyang and Qrow were staring at the screen, both of their brains dead, why? Well when you find out your wife/best friend teaches your daughter/niece how to blow someone, it tends to fuck up your brain.
Yang had a mini heart attack and promptly fainted before being slapped awake by Nora, Nora refused to let Yang faint when her reactions were so priceless.
"Oh well that seems pretty normal- Wait, did you just say what I think you just said?" His mind was not ready for today.
"Yep! I'm all about the COCK!" Suffice to say Jaune's mind didn't take it quite well.
"Ooo! Have same class woman!" Jaune really didn't want to deal with this girl anymore, but she was just too stubborn to leave so he had to play along with it… For now.
"Come on! Don't be a prude! All girls my age love a bit of Dangalang." her voice became deep and manly this time.
"He's not being a prude child, he's being an upstanding citizen of the law!" Winter yelled out as she looked to Ruby.
"I'm sorry!" Ruby yelled out, tears threatening to burst out of her eyes.
"How old are you anyway?" Jaune asked in disbelief.
"I'm five!" She answered happily.
"Don't you dare fucking lie to me." He narrowed his eyes at the silver eyed pervert.
"Plus seven!" She answered again.
"What kind of cryptic bullshit is- Wait so five plus seven equals one, two, three… How do you count to twelve again?" As soon as his brain recognized his words he let out an audible gasp. She was certainly not legal at all! Alarms were going off inside his head, and what's worse, is that a giant fire was spreading inside his house due to the burning food.
"Oh, now he gets it?!" Ren yelled out, now Ren is not the kind of individual to yell, everyone knows that, but this was just getting out of hand.
The scene then cut to someone's living room, probably Neptune, how do I know? Well he's the only one there on his computer nodding dumbly as he kept watching Jaune's weird escapades with little girls.
"Neptune?!" Weiss yelled out, why was he watching such… such disturbing content on his laptop?! Wait… is that why he wanted to know Weiss in the first place? Weiss's mind was shutting down, she needed a moment to herself.
"Neptune what the fuck are you watching?" As soon as Sun's words reached his ears Neptune shut his computer and stood up to face him.
"Nothing, I swear!" To say he was panicking was an understatement.
"Woah!" Sun immediately recoiled back as he managed to get a glimpse of the show Neptune was watching.
"Bro, why are you watching Eromanga Sensei? You do know she's twelve, right?" Sun made sure to keep his distance from Neptune, he sure as hell didn't want to be near him in his current state.
To that, everyone looked to Ren in confusion, to which he just looked back, "What, is there something on my face?" He asked, equally confused.
"Uh, Renny, what does Eromanga mean?" Nora asked kindly, she didn't know as much Eastern Mistrali as Ren did.
With that, Ren let's out an 'oh', "To put it lightly, Eromanga is just erotic comic books made in Eastern Mistral as a form entertainment, and to say Sensei means teacher or instructor, so put two and two together. However, you should not confuse Eromanga with Doujinshi, they are two separate things." He said calmly. Don't look up Doujinshi kids.
Quickly, everyone's face either turned to that of disgust or interest, and Blake was having trouble disguising her interest.
"Well she's not real so it's not that bad! Right?" Neptune tried to defend himself, but his results were rather poor.
"Not real?! What is that supposed to mean?!" Weiss yelled out, what does he mean by not real?
"Perhaps you are only known in that universe for being part of a cartoon?" Professor Ozpin hypothesized, unknowingly triggering thousands.
"They are not cartoons, it's called anime!" Ren yelled out angrily, only to quickly place his hand against his mouth, it had just happened instinctually.
And now everyone was staring at Ren, not in confusion, but just in curiosity. Ren simply lets out a sigh, "It comes from my home Kingdom, of course I'm going to know what it is." Ren said, defending himself. Pyrrha simply nodded along with him, she herself was given the position to voice in an anime, of course, she said no since she had no idea how to voice act, but she knew what anime was.
"You know she's twelve right?" He repeated his question once again.
"Nothing bad's gonna happen!" He tried to calm his monkey faunus compatriot.
"You won't say that once the police come, then bad things will start happening bro!" Sun tried to warn Neptune from his impending doom.
"Pssh, the police aren't going to come here!" It was painfully obvious he was in denial.
As soon as he finished his sentence someone started to knock on his door, Sun took this cue to get the fuck outta there.
"Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?" Yang sang out, this scene reminded her so much of those shows that her Dad had watched when she was younger, what was it called. Oh, Officers!
To which her Dad sang, "What you gonna do when they come for you?" He may be older than he used to be, but damn did he love Officers... the show.
"Um, who is it?" Neptune nervously asked.
"Who ordered a pizza?" The voice was rather enthusiastic but Neptune didn't catch on to it.
"Oh, it's just pizza." Ruby said calmly, or is it?
Neptune casually opened the door, only to see Ren in his porch holding some pizza boxes… And he had sunglasses on.
"With a side of justice, VALE MI5! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!" Ren declared loudly, after a few seconds of silence, Neptune bolted away as fast as he could with Ren following on hot pursuit, chaos then ensued.
"I knew you should have been an officer, Renny, it was in my dreams from when we were thirteen, remember?!" Nora yelled into Ren's ear, but he didn't seem all that fazed by it.
Ren simply sighed as he shook his head, "I have a feeling that Nora's dreams are just visions of different realities, and that scares me." He said to himself, I mean, it can't be that bad… can it?
With that, the screen turned off, the viewing was over. Now, all that remained was an awkward silence, because no one really knew what to think. Weiss was… confused to say the least, Yang and her father were shocked to hear Ruby saying those… obscene things, Qrow had found it amusing since he knew Ruby wouldn't say such things, at least, not until she was older.
With that, Louise was left to her boredom once more, until a lightbulb went off in her head, her colleagues wouldn't be back for a while, so she had some time to kill, "You guys wanna see some more?" She asked with a smirk.
AN (DX): *GASP* This isn't the JoJo chapter you promised us! You lying piece of trash! Yes, I know that it isn't the JoJo chapter but we have a reason for it.
Unfortunately when we started working on the JoJo chapter we got too excited and the more we wrote the more we figured out we bit more that we could chew for our first chapter, then again we did decide to write four episodes of it so it isn't that hard to understand why we were taking so long to release a single chapter.
Anyway, we'll push the JoJo chapter to be the tenth one, for now we're doing part 3 but I'm considering doing a part 2 omake for a certain someone that replaces old Joseph in the JoJo universe and there's also part 6...
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and the other ones we'll release soon.
Syn: Later!