Note: The misspellings of 'kewl' and 'lyk' in the previous chapter was intentional. Just so you know.
Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warning #2: If you use plot devices such as these in your story, I pity you to your face but mock you behind your back. If you think this plot device is a good idea and that it's so totally kewl, I mock you to your face and pity you behind your back. I will issue Cutting Remarks™ which will really make you think long and hard about your life decisions.
Chapter Two: Hidden Attractions (or other 'witty' metaphor for the plot device where there's a masked ball and two unlikely people fall in love without realising who it is)
Summary: Following the success of the Yule Ball, the staff of Hogwarts decide to have another ball… but it is no ordinary ball… it is a masked ball… oh, what mystery and romance will arise? You must read it and find out! OMG PLZ REVIEW ME IF YOU DON'T I WILL DIE OF A RANDOM TERMINAL ILLNESS BUT FLAME ME AND I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS
Dumbledore sighed. "I wish people would get my character right," he muttered to himeslf wistfully. "Acting like Tom Cruise on Oprah all the time is making me feel like a twat."
But alas, Dumbledore's eccentricity has once again been mutated into complete and utter insanity, and we are forced to live with it, for any polite suggestions to the author results in "OK WELL THIS IS MY STORY SO I'M ALLOWED TO FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING RAPE THE CHARACTERS AND DISREGARD CANON BUT WHATEVER KTHXBYE"
Gritting his teeth, Dumbledore entered the Great Hall and waited until the attention of all students was upon him before speaking. "As a random plot twist, and because the author can't be arsed writing about the Sorting, all the first years can go to Ravenclaw or an equally unimportant house."
McGonagall gaped at him. "Albus, have you gone senile? What are the teachers supposed to do in the periods where they have to teach first-years of the other houses?" She cried, wondering why he was acting as if he had been written by a twelve-year-old with only a basic understanding of who Dumbledore is. Dumbledore looked at her, tapped his nose cryptically, and winked.
"Dear woman," he started kindly, "I don't know about you, but I for one would like to see less yapping from you and more sitting down and shutting up." He turned to the rest of the school, smiling broadly. His eyes twinkled even though they were pointing in different directions. "In lieu of a random speech about, y'know, things, I'd like to take this opportunity to gnaw on my own hand and at the same time tell you about a Ball I've decided to have."
McGonagall looked scandalised but kept her mouth tightly shut. Who knew what this new, insane Dumbledore would do if challenged.
"I reckon that maybe, y'know, it can be one where you don't wear robes, bear with me, and, uh, you wear clothing that muggles wear or something! YEA TH SOUNDZ PRETI KEWL!"
"Did Dumbledore just use netspeak?" Harry asked, aghast. He noticed Ginny Gazing Dreamily™ at him, but chose to ignore it because he thought she was kind of creepy.
"NO HARRY I DID NOT," Dumbledore said loudly, waving an arm in Harry's general direction, "O & BTW HOW THE H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STIX CAN U TELL TH IN SPOKEN LANGUAGE"
"He has a point, you know," Hermione said. She noticed Ron Gazing Dreamily™ at him, but chose to ignore it because she thought he was kind of creepy.
"YEA & LYK THIS BALL I'M GUNA HAV IS GUNA B MASKD N STUF, SO U WILL LYK NOT KNO WHO PPL R," said Dumbledore, whose latest lunacy had driven him to speaking in all capitals. This, coupled with his crazy-eyes and the fact that he was slightly foaming at the mouth, gave him the appearance of a rabid hobo. Through the insanity, he noticed Snape gazing dreamily at him, but chose to ignore it because he thought Snape was incredibly creepy.
Okay, so I'm kind of sick of writing about Dumbledore's insanity, so I'll have a flash forward to the night of the ball. Let's just assume everyone's been kind of mean to each other, which will make it ALL THE MORE SHOCKING when they get together at this Ball.
Ginny looked at herself in the mirror. No longer was she just Harry Potter's friend's little sister! No longer was she just that chick Harry Potter went out with in the sixth book! No longer was she… something else of which the author can't be arsed thinking of! She was damned sexy. She had Curves In All The Right Places™. She had a distant American relative who had made her over and also taken her to Mexico to get a cheap boob job. She was now incredibly stunning, and with an overlarge chest. Strangely, her family didn't notice the fact that she went on holiday flat-chested but came back a DD. This was strange not only because of the huge difference, but because Ginny had taken to wearing exceedingly revealing clothes. Her ball attire was no exception. It was a micro-miniskirt with fishnets, knee-high boots and a shirt that barely covered anything. And didn't all the boys want her bad! She pulled on some kind of Sexy and Alluring™ mask that covered only the top part of her face but of course rendered her unrecognisable.
She walked down to the Great Hall, winking at random people and causing them to faint and/or stare after her with wide-open mouths. Yes, even the girls. She was just so stunning.
So yeah, the Ball. Ginny's there and she sees a boy sitting all by his lonesome, looking wistfully at all the dancing couples. This is, of course, Draco, and he is looking wistfully at all the dancing couples because obviously his father never loved him. And he beats him. And does other mean things to him. So all he wants is to be loved, but of course this is in secret because his sex god persona doesn't allow for love of any sort. Oh, the pain of being an unloved child/budding and yet unwilling Death Eater/sex god.
Ginny, being incredibly sexy but also incredibly kind, pities the lone boy and asks him to dance. He is, of course, joyous at having found his One True Love™ and thus dances with her in a very sexy way.
Hermione, also having a distant American relative who gave her a makeover and cheap Mexican boob job, was looking sexy also. She also had Curves In All The Right Places™! She was dancing with a tall, dark and mysterious stranger, who is, of course, Snape. There will be more on Hermione and Snape's illicit paedophilic affair in a later chapter. But for now, it is simple dancing.
"O, remarkably tall unknown student," Hermione cooed, as her masked partner twirled her around the dancefloor like some sort of twirly-person. "If only I knew who was under that small mask which only covers the top part of your face and yet renders you unrecognisable! What with your greasy black hair and hooked nose, you could be anyone in the school! If only I knew who you were! IF ONLY!"
"O, young lady," replied Snape, "I notice you referred to me as a student. I am assuming this is a slip of the tongue, for you are most definitely a teacher at this fine school! You couldn't possibly be a student, not with that cheap Mexican boob job!"
"O, familiar-looking and yet unknown dance partner," Hermione whined in a teenage-girl sort of way. "My heart yearns to know who you are! IT YEARNS!"
Across the hall, Ginny and Draco were dancing. "O, redhaired girl of which I have no knowledge of who you are," Draco said in a completely out-of-character way. "I think I'm in love with you! I mean, you dress like a tart, and you have Curves In All The Right Places™, how could I not love you? Sure, you remind me of this Weasley girl I really hate, but I love you all the same!"
"O, blond boy of which I have no knowledge of who you are!" Ginny cried wistfully. "Through your Ridiculously Trendy™ muggle attire, I can feel your Rippling Muscles™! I so wish you would deign to have rampant animal sex with me! I really do! I love you, unknown blond boy! Even though you kind of remind me of this Malfoy guy I really hate, I love you all the same!"
For some unknown reason, the lighting went back to normal and the music stopped. Everyone whined, in a whiny teenage kind of way. That is, until Dumbledore stood up and started to speak. He was a little unclear on what constituted muggle attire, and so had worn nothing but a pair of budgie smugglers. Many retched. Many were scarred for life. Snape smiled.
"Students and teachers!" He cried, doing some kind of strange dance with flapping-arm motions. "It is time! Time for you to… remove your masks."
The hall gasped as one, and then whined a little. Across the hall, Ginny removed her mask with a flourish. Draco stared, then removed his.
"Oh my!" Cried Ginny. "My One True Love™ is a Malfoy! My parents will be so disapproving! But I don't think they'll be written about much because teenage authors like to write about Malfoy being abused by his obviously abusive father! Oh, the Teenage Angst™!"
"Oh my!" Cried Draco. "My One True Love™ is a Weasley! A blood traitor! I shouldn't be in love with her! I shouldn't! Oh, but I am! I am! My father will be so disapproving and abusive! It is assumed that my mother is not disapproving at all, because she maybe does not abuse me like my father obviously does! Oh, the Teenage Angst™!"
Then Ginny and Draco finally either get their parents to understand or elope together, and live happily ever after. What? Who's this 'Voldemort' character I've been hearing so much about? Ah well, can't be anyone important.
Just a little note: In case the Snape/Dumbledore thing was confusing, I'll explain it for you: Snape has a schoolgirl crush on Dumbledore but Dumbledore thinks Snape's really weird and so avoids him most of the time. Who knows, perhaps my next Unlikely Fanfiction will be Snape/Dumbledore-centric?