Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato

-Two-

Author's note: Still cracky, still for Xirysa, still breaks the fourth wall. Marth is still probably the only one remotely in character, but I tried to do the same with everyone else. I really like my Serra and Sain in this. Oh, and Vaida.

Warnings: Crack, might make you hungry for french fries or other potato products.

-x-

Vaida trudged down the stairs as her doorbell rang incessantly, Heath looking over the railing in his wyvern-patterned pajamas, toothbrush still in his mouth.

Who the hell would be bothering me this early in the morning? She looked through the peephole of her apartment door and found Wallace standing there with a bag of groceries in his arms. He seemed to be whistling a little tune even, and then she realized he had an iPod earbud in his one ear.

Why am I not surprised by this?

Vaida undid the deadbolt and opened the door, noting he was still wearing that ugly orange sweater.

I thought I told him to throw that thing out…

"Why are you here this early? I thought I told you that any time before eight in the morning was unacceptable."

Wallace invited himself in, but not before letting out his characteristic "GWA HA HA" laugh Vaida often found annoying.

Remind me again why I marry this man again?

Vaida closed the door and redid the deadbolt before following him to the kitchen, where Wallace was unloading the bag he brought with him.

"I figured I'd be nice and make breakfast," Wallace said with a grin. Vaida stared at him blankly.

"Do what you want, Teapot. I'm going to make sure Heath isn't bothering the family wyvern."

When she left the kitchen, Wallace oiled up a frying pan and got out his favourite type of potato.

"Time for some potato pancakes!"

If only Wallace knew Vaida hated potatoes.

-x-

"Beauteous Serra," Sain practically sang when the pink haired senshi of fire opened her door. "The sun is beautiful today, shining upon your lovely heart-shaped face, but even it cannot compare—"

"Right," Serra said, leaning an arm against the door jamb. "Glorious, Sain. Can't you just come to my door and say, 'Hi,' like any normal person?"

Sain pouted. "But Serra, normal people can't see how wonderful you are!"

Serra sighed and gestured inside. "Just get inside so this meeting can start."

Sain walked past her and made it into the meeting room; she knew because he immediately opened with, "Oh beautiful Rebecca…"

Sometimes I wonder what I did for Elimine to punish me like this, Serra thought. I don't mind the flattery, because I am beautiful, but…

She slid the door closed and made her way into the room she designated as the place where their 'important meetings' would occur. Well, she didn't even designate it—it was the closest to the kitchen, where Rebecca spent most of her time, and it had bookcases, which was where Canas spent most of his time, and Sain had just plopped his rear down one day and loudly declared that this was their 'lair'.

Sometimes I wonder why I have a thing for Sain.

Serra sat down as graceful as a priestess was expected to and cleared her throat. Sain stopped gawking at all the girls, Canas looked up from his book and readjusted his monocle, Rebecca poked her head out of the kitchen, and Vaida was in the corner, arms crossed. Sain jokingly referred to it as the 'Vaida corner'.

"Why did you call this meeting so early in the morning?" Vaida complained. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Oh virtuous Vaida—"

"Can it, Chevelier," the senshi leader snapped. She leaned her head against the side of a bookcase.

"Because we need to discuss this Marfiore guy and his connections to Wallace," Serra said calmly, even though she wanted to whack everyone with her staff.

Sain composed himself. This was no time to admire the women! "Marfiore said he was an old friend, didn't he?"

"Yeah," Serra said. "What's your point?"

"Well, what if they were more than just old friends?"

Vaida chuckled. "Are you insinuating that good old Teapot Wallington is…was…gay?"

Sain slammed his fists on the table and then shook them. Serra just shook her head—the table was obviously solid oak.

"The Wallinator? Clangwalliston? Gay?"

"Now that you mention it," Rebecca said, as she wiped her hands on her bright green apron, "I did notice they were pretty close…"

Serra added, "It's always the ones on wrestling teams…"

Canas didn't care much for gossip. Why am I even here? Can I have a replacement? Canas knew better than to expect an answer from the Power That Is.

"Why don't you just ask the guy?" Vaida suggested, her eyes focused on the clock on the opposite wall. "I'm sure he'll set you all straight."

They all just stared at her.

"That was a horrible pun," Sain remarked. Vaida threw a pillow at him and somehow missed. Sain counted himself as lucky.

"Well this was fun and all, but I'm just going to let myself out," Vaida said, before standing and stretching. "I'll see you guys…hopefully not any time soon."

As soon as Vaida was out of earshot, Serra said, "And people say I'm bitchy?"

"Dearest Serra—"

"Sain, don't start or I will throw you the hell out of here."

Sain's ego deflated like a balloon that wasn't filled with any air to begin with.

-x-

"I haven't seen Vaida around in a while," Mark said, as he reclined against a tree trunk in the park. His friend Chris was watching cherry blossom petals shower down on him in morbid fascination. He was easily amused. Mark didn't judge him for it.

"I've seen Wallace," Mark continued, hands behind his head now. "But he's always at the supermarket. The only supermarket in all of Lycia that has such a vast amount of produce…"

"Wallace works in the supermarket," Chris said, his green hair swaying in the breeze. "It's expected that you'd see him there every day, at the same time."

"I don't know how that place stays in business," Mark said. "All Wallace does is force everyone to buy potatoes. It's weird."

"Uhn." Chris's eyes suddenly noticed a strange looking potato lying underneath a tree nearby. It was a purple-black, arranged to look like French fries in a ring.

"Dude," Chris said, hitting Mark's arm, "whazzat over there?" He flipped his eyepatch up just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"A tree," Mark said, bored. "I know you have jellyfish for brains, but come on."

"No shit it's a tree." Chris glared at Mark. "I meant what's that under the tree."

Mark shrugged, his pink hair falling into his eyes. "Grass." Moron.

Chris got up from his spot next to Mark and walked over to the strange looking potato. He had a sinking feeling that this was no ordinary French fry ring. He was the Hero of Shadows, after all. At least that's what he called himself in World of Warcraft. He was the awesome druid named MyUnit who was the Hero of Shadows. Mark always made fun of him.

That's because Mark is just jealous, he thought, as he knelt down to smell the potato.

That was when something popped out from the center, scaring the hell out of Chris. He cried out and was knocked flat on his ass. Mark looked up from his comic book about zombies to see what all the commotion was about and saw some morph-like spider thing.

"Dammit, Chris," Mark muttered as he got to his feet so he could save his friend, "I can't take you anywhere."

The morph-spider thing spun a web around the helpless Chris, all the while cackling about dark orbs and dragons and falchions.

I gotta lay off the comic books, Mark thought. That was the last thing he remembered before his world went black.

-x-

"What in the name of Bern are these things?"

All Vaida wanted to do was get her hair cut, but no, there had to be some Resident Evil-like spider monsters popping out of French fries.

What next, people popping out of the woodwork?

She got on her communicator, which looked like an ordinary Blackberry. Serra picked up.

"I was going to shower, you know," she said, hostility in her voice.

"Well, pumpkin, that's going to have to wait," Vaida said, rolling her eyes. "Looks like there's a bug problem. A big bug problem."

Serra's face paled. "Bugs? I don't do bugs!"

Vaida snorted. "What kind of senshi are you, then? Come by the hair place. Meanwhile, I'll go kick some ass." She hung up before there could be any reply. She pocketed the Blackberry and pulled out what appeared to be a bracelet. After whispering a short, foreign sounding phrase and holding it up in the air like an idiot before there was a blinding flash of light. Vaida felt a sensation of warmth, not to mention it tingled and also hurt like a bitch all at once. Instead of plain jeans and a t-shirt, she looked like a warrior in skimpy clothing, a deadly looking lance in hand.

Despite the fact that she was in the middle of a crowded street, no one noticed at all.

These people really are quite oblivious.

Elsewhere in Elibe, Wallace was forcing people to buy potatoes when his Vaida is In Danger sense started to tingle. He gently placed the potatoes down, threw off his apron, and went to the bathroom to change. No one noticed a man in a cape, top hat, mask, and armor-tuxedo run out of the store.

-x-

Heath was on his way to school, his Power Rangers lunchbox swinging in time with his arms, his iPod blaring some weird, generic music when suddenly he was faced with a fight between Sailor Senshi and weird French fry monsters.

"Um… Did I just step into a horror movie?"

Vaida stabbed one monster right through the stomach and kicked another in the face. Serra whacked at a vine arm with her staff before it was knocked from her hands. Then she started punching it as hard as she could, gritting her teeth as she did so.

"Let go of me!" she shrieked, and the monster narrowed its eyes, backhanded poor Serra, and threw her into a phone booth.

"Dammit, Mars!" Vaida shouted, elbowing another monster in the head. "I thought you could set things on fire?"

Serra was knocked out cold and thus couldn't reply. Sain was distracted by the fact that the beauteous Sailor Mars had been knocked out, and didn't see the spider thing with its web coming straight towards him. He managed to punch it in the face and use his Chain of Manlove, but it wasn't enough to subdue the monster, and he got captured in its web.

Wallace, meanwhile, was chucking potatoes at the things, which proved super effective in that they one hit killed them.

"From potatoes you were born," he said, as he threw one up in the air and then kicked it into another monster's head, "and to potatoes you will return." He bowed his head for a moment of silence.

"Teapot!" Vaida shouted, ruining the moment of silence completely. "Watch yourself! There's a strange looking man behind you on that lightpole!"

A hand was raised and the monsters vanished, indeed back into potatoes, and the city calmed. The senshi that were still conscious kept their guard up, even Wallace, who considered himself invincible anyway. The man on the lightpole clapped slowly, like one does at a golf game.

Sorry, everyone, thought the man, whose real name was actually Marth, but for the purposes of this, was named Marfiore, but I have to feed my family. War is a terrible, terrible thing.

"Wallace!" called Marfiore, and in an instant he was down from the lightpole and on the ground next to the armor-tuxedoed man. He smiled softly, until he noticed his friend's wounds.

"Yow! Those wounds… They must be treated at once…"

Wallace looked down and noticed he was a mess of blood and…he didn't even really know what else, except that it vaguely resembled mashed potatoes.

"Nothing I can't handle," said Wallace, and Marfiore narrowed his eyes on Vaida's approach.

"Listen, you nutcase," said Vaida, who was eloquent as usual, an angry sneer on her face as she looked down her nose at him, "we told you yesterday to stay away from us, and I do not like to repeat myself! Wallace wants nothing to do with you, and whatever promises he made back then he's obviously forgotten. Move on, let go, and leave us alone!"

Marfiore looked between Vaida and Wallace, Wallace and Vaida, and back again, and said, very calmly, "This is the obstacle in our path, Wallace." He didn't intend to sound that sultry, but that was the way it came out. "I will not lose you again—I've lost you once, but now… I'm not going to let this warrior princess get in my way!" He pulled out a sword and lunged for Vaida, who blocked it with ease.

"Teapot! A little support here would be nice."

Marfiore grit his teeth and his leaned into the blow, trying to snap her flimsy lance in two. "'Teapot'? That is what you call him?"

"Well yes," said Vaida, stiffly, as she dodged under Marfiore's next swing and stabbed at him, drawing blood from a minor cut she managed to give him.

That's it? Just one lousy cut? Maybe Serra was right, I should practice with Sain…

"You do notice that the armor he's wearing makes him resemble a teapot, right?"

Marfiore wasn't going to fall for her distraction techniques. He pulled his arm back and was ready to stick his blade through her heart, but Wallace wasn't going to have none of that. He moved in the way of the attack, all the while Vaida was screaming, "You idiot! Move out of the way, I can handle this myself!" and the sword pierced through the armor, denting it. Marfiore was devastated at what had happened.

I'm losing my touch here.

He grabbed Wallace before anyone could react and teleported back to his lightpole.

"Don't worry," he said, a smile on his face, "I'll take good care of him."

Vaida snorted. "Good riddance he's out of my hair."

Marfiore disappeared via taxi cab (after he got down from his perch of course), an unconscious Wallace on the seat next to him.

"Um, Vaida?"

"Yes, Rebecca?"

Rebecca looked uncertain of herself for a moment, but then determination crept back into her eyes. "What are we going to do about Serra and Sain?"

Vaida turned around and saw that Sain was unconscious in a spider's web and Serra was just plain unconscious. Vaida clicked her tongue.

"Worms will have to learn to be more careful. Leave them—they should come to soon."

She headed in the direction she was originally going in in the first place.

"Where are you going?" Rebecca asked, de-transforming (once again, no one noticed).

"Where do you think? To get my hair cut."

Rebecca sighed and noticed that Heath was rooted to the spot. Literally.

"Heath, are you going to be all right?"

Heath screamed. "Does it look like I'm all right? I almost got killed, I need clean pants, and I'm stuck by some demonic tree!"

Rebecca managed to pull him free, but Heath had to walk home without any shoes.

At least they weren't my favourite ones, he thought. Even so, walking home in nice clean socks sucks balls.