Chapter Two

Happiness Defined

It had been hours since she had sent the taped video message to Grissom. She thought that her words would be hollow if she did not attempt to show him she was truly happy in this place.

The words of Tom Adler had bothered her. He sat there and spoke of how he had come to wish his wife's life would finally end so his could begin. He felt trapped, and yet, his loyalty pushed him to be faithful even though it was draining the very life from him.

Sara felt that way.

She felt she was doing exactly that to Grissom.

She felt that by hanging on to Grissom she was sentencing him to the same torturous misery as Tom felt.

Even though he had loved his wife, Pamela, Tom had finally let her go in order to save himself.

It was a mercy killing.

His wife was now at peace.

She longed for peace.

She needed it.

Grissom needed it.

She felt they would never feel happy again unless she let him go.

He should not have to suffer for her inadequacies.

He deserved to be happy.

She needed him to be happy.

Her love for him pushed her to take the matter into her own hands.

The pain would stop now.

It had taken every ounce she had managed to save over these months of solitude to sit before the web cam and appear to be happy.

She wasn't.

What little improvement she had made left when she had returned to Vegas for Warrick's funeral. She was thrust back into the ever reminder that she was no longer strong enough to face death. She wanted to run the moment the funeral was over, but she could not bring herself to leave Grissom.

Warrick's death had been difficult for Grissom and she had wanted to be strong for him again.

He needed her to be strong for her and…both of them.

She couldn't.

She felt herself slipping within a few days.

She knew she would have to leave in order to save him.

She, also, knew that without him she could not save herself.

Without him, her life was nothing.

Without her, she told herself, his life would be better…happier.

He was burning out.

She saw the same symptoms in him that drove her to leave.

He was loyal to the lab.

She was loyal to him.

In order to save him, she would have to leave him.

In order for him to keep from drowning, he would have to let go of the dead weight.

Sara felt she was that dead weight.

By staying, her self-destruction was inevitable, and, she would cause Grissom's demise as well.

She could not and would not do that to him.

Also, she knew that without him, her self-destruction was a matter of time.

He was the only man she had ever loved.

She would sacrifice her happy place in order to help him find peace and happiness.

She felt it was not with her anymore.

He had almost admitted it to her.

She had sat there in his office as he rationalized what Tom Adler had done.

She suddenly found him talking about their relationship rather than the Adlers, and she struggled to maintain her composure.

"Sooner or later, a relationship in stasis withers. You get angry. You need more than the safety of knowing that you're not alone," said Grissom as he kept his eyes from Sara.

"Then he should have just walked away," said Sara.

"Maybe he couldn't. Maybe he needed her to leave him," he said.

"Who are we talking about right now?" she asked.

He stared at her but said nothing causing her to quickly flee from his office.

He had wanted to hurt her, and he had accomplished that.

He hoped he had frightened her enough to force her to stay.

He could not bear the thought of watching her leave.

Of course, he had not actually watched her leave the first time.

She had left a note and disappeared out the door before he could stop her.

He wondered how she would leave this time.

Would she kiss him goodbye and let him see her walk out the door, or would she flee like she did last time?

He did not wish to think of her gone from his bed again.

If she thought Grissom's words stung, then Tom's hurt far worse. For here was a man who had dutifully stood by his wife's bedside for eight years.

As she sat there and listened to Tom, Grissom's words came back to her. Grissom had not been describing Tom and Pamela Adler. He had been describing their lives. She was sure of it at that moment.

"I realized the only person feeling any suffering was me. I wasn't living but I just couldn't move on and leave her there like that," said Tom Adler.

Sara swallowed her tears and anger.

Grissom feels responsible for me…

He wants to move on but can't…

He's waiting for me to make the move…

Set him free…

At that moment, everything seemed crystal clear.

Sara knew what she needed to do.

He deserved someone strong.

He deserved someone he could lean on.

She hurried back to the townhouse, packed her bags, and left without even a note this time. She ran so fast that she did not even stop to pet Hank as he whined at her feet. She threw the baggage in the car and sped to the airport, waiting for hours until the next flight.

Once she was in the air, she clutched her jacket around her body trying to hold herself together until she was back within the four walls she had called home in San Francisco.

Grissom sat there and listened to the young man.

He was confessing.

He did not care to hide what he had done. He merely gave an explanation for his actions.

As he sat there in the interrogation room with the young boy he began to identify with him.

It was an uncomfortable feeling.

You're getting emotionally involved…

Step back Grissom…

Hide your feelings…

And your soul…

The young man's words were much the same as those Grissom had screamed into his pillow night after night when Sara had left the first time.

I got too old for her…

She only liked me when I was risky…

She promised me everything…

And then, she took it all away…

He understood.

He felt every word.

It described him perfectly.

He threw down his notes and walked out without even speaking to Brass who stood outside the door. He grabbed his briefcase and hurried home.

He found a huge wet spot at the entrance.

He stepped over it and found Hank lying on the T- shirt she had worn the night before.

It still had her scent on it.

He knew at that moment she was gone.

He let the briefcase drop to the floor as he lay down on the bed and called for Hank.

The dog obediently crawled to his master's side as he stroked the dog's fur.

The dog whined over and over as Grissom wiped at his eyes.

It was his fault.

He had thrown the words at her.

"Maybe he needed her to leave him"

She had done just that, but she did not stop there.

There was no further contact.

The phone calls ceased.

The emails ceased.

Weeks passed, and the others once again began to question him about Sara.

It seemed no one knew where she was.

Her previous email address no longer worked.

Her cell number was no longer in service.

Everything stopped.

Oh, he knew where she lived.

That is, unless she had moved also.

He left that discovery up to Brass.

He tried not to react when he was told that Sara had left with no forwarding address.

She had definitely left.

He should be happy, right?

There was one last thing to do.

Her formal written resignation was sent in; and then, the final goodbye was delivered.

Grissom sat there and watched with his own eyes as Sara gave the performance of a lifetime, surely worthy of an Emmy.

Once the video was sent and the façade was over, she was reduced to a pile of tears and sobs and the need for a way to hinder the pain.

She had leased a small secluded house with a private beach.

She had dropped her few belongings onto the floor and had simply crashed.

She had not touched alcohol since the DUI.

Tonight, she had purchased a bottle of one hundred eighty proof and emptied glass after glass.

There was no one to tell her it was wrong.

The result was numbness. She welcomed it as she let the tears flow freely. She no longer needed to hide the complete and absolute desolation she felt at what she had just done.

As the bottle slowly emptied, she felt her body protest.

Once, her heart beat so rapidly she thought it would tire soon and just stop.

When she woke some time later, she cursed that it still beat.

She was now faced with how she would go on knowing she had said goodbye to the one thing that was home to her.

There was no happiness.

The dim light she harbored deep within her heart was now gone.

She had told him goodbye.

Hours drifted into days.

It did not matter to her.

She was adrift…her anchor now far away in Vegas.

She was sure he was happy.

Since there was the matter of Hank, it took Grissom longer to collect his suitcase once the plane landed.

The poor dog was in a state of confusion as Grissom opened the kennel cage and attached the leash.

"Let's go find Sara," said Grissom as he petted the dog.

Note from author:

Thanks to so many who have left a review. I am going to post the final chapter tomorrow. Keep happy thoughts on Thursday night. I truly believe GSR fans are the greatest…

Take care,

Penny