The Sorting Hat's New Song
A beautiful, green girl with huge, feathery green wings swooped down. It was Sukie, the harpy Harry and Hermione had befriended during the Triwizard Tournament the previous summer. "Heyyy Hermione, heyyy Harry." She hugged them both in turn, wrapping her wings around each of them.
A cute Ravenclaw boy with auburn hair was standing nearby. Jason, Sukie's human boyfriend. He smiled shyly at them and stammered a greeting.
Fortunately, Sukie talked enough for the two of them as a couple. "So it's back to another year of studying. Just as well Jason and I have our own eyrie now. Don't have to worry about that silly rule about having separate houses for Gryffindor and Ravenclaw."
"Yes, house unity is a good thing," said Hermione.
"Yeah, good," whinnied Ash.
The four long house tables in the Great Hall were filling up under the starless black ceiling, which was just like the sky they could glimpse through the high windows. Candles floated in midair all along the tables, illuminating the silvery ghosts who were dotted about the Hall and the faces of the students talking eagerly, exchanging summer news, shouting greetings at friends from other hosues, eyeing one another's new haircuts and robes. Hermione was hailed by some other Gryffindor boys in her Harem and left to sit with them. Harry noticed people putting their heads together as he passed.
"Don' worry about it, Harry," murmured Ash in his arms, nuzzling his cheek.
Sukie grabbed one of the gossiping kids by the shoulders and shook him. "You gossiping about Harry?"
"N-No…"
"Liar! I can hear better than you. I am a harpy. Don't let me hear you backbiting Harry again."
"It's how everyone's going to be talking about me now, though," said Harry gloomily. "Since the Daily Prophet is having a go at me."
"Let 'em try shooting off their mouths at you directly," said Sukie, flexing her claws. "I'm ready if they do."
Hagrid was not at the staff table. Harry wondered what unnatural breeding he was preoccupied with. He held the result of unnatural breeding in his arms – Ash – the foal of Hermione and a unicorn. And Sukie was the offspring of another girl and an occulatrice (a magical bird like creature).
Hermione was surrounded by her Harem, who were taking it in turns to kiss her shiny green nose and cheeks. She was clearly enjoying all the male attention.
"Who is that?" asked Sukie, pointing a claw at the middle of the staff table. Harry looked. There was Dumbledore, sitting in his high-backed golden chair at the centre of the long staff table, wearing deep purple scattered with silver stars and matching hat. Dumbledore's head was inclined to the horror next to him, who was talking into his ear. This character looked like someone's spinster aunt. Squat, with short, curly mouse-brown hair in which she placed a horrible pink Alice band that matched her fluffy pink cardigan. She had a pallid, toadlike face with bulging, pouchy eyes. Who could this be?
Professor Grubbly-Plank led the first years into the Great Hall. Their faces were lit up by the candle light as they stood, ready to be sorted.
"Aw, poor things. They look so nervous," said Sukie.
"It is pretty scary, the Sorting," said Harry.
The whole school waited with baited breath and then the Sorting Hat twitched, a rib near the brim opened like a mouth and it burst into song:
In times of old, when I was new,
And Hogwarts barely started,
The founders of our noble school
Thought never to be parted.
United by a common goal,
They had the selfsame yearning
To make the world's best magic school
And pass along their learning.
"Together we will build and teach"
The four good friends decided.
And never did they dream that they
Might some day be divided.
For were there such friends anywhere
As Slytherin and Gryffindor?
Unless it was the second pair
Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw,
So how could it have gone so wrong?
How could such friendships fail?
Why, I was there, so I can tell
The whole sad, sorry tale.
Said Slytherin, "We'll teach just those
Whose ancestry's purest."
Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose
Intelligence is surest."
Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those
With brave deeds to their name."
Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot
And treat them just the same."
These differences caused little strife
When first they came to light.
For each of the four founders had
A house in which they might
Take only those they wanted, so,
For instance, Slytherin
Took only pure-blood wizards
Of great cunning just like him.
And only those of sharpest mind
Were taught by Ravenclaw
While the bravest and the boldest
Went to daring Gryffindor.
Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest
and taught them all she knew,
Thus, the houses and their founders
Maintained friendships firm and true.
So Hogwarts worked in harmony
For several happy years,
But then discord crept among us
Feeding on our faults and fears.
The Houses that, like pillars four
Had once held up our school
Now turned upon each other and
Divided, sought to rule.
And for a while it seemed the school
Must meet an early end.
What with duelling and with fighting
And the clash of friend on friend.
And at last there came a morning
When old Slytherin departed
And though the fighting then died out
He left us quite downhearted.
And never since the founders four
Were whittled down to three
Have the Houses been united
As they once were meant to be.
And now the Sorting Hat is here
And you all know the score:
I sort you into Houses
Because that is what I'm for.
But this year I'll go further,
Listen closely to my song:
Though condemned I am to split you
Still I worry that it's wrong,
Though I must fulfil my duty
And must quarter every year
Still I wonder whether sorting
May not bring the end I fear.
Oh, know the perils, read the signs,
The warning history shows,
For our Hogwarts is in danger
From external, deadly foes.
And we must unite inside her
Or we'll crumble from within
I have told you, I have warned you...
Let the Sorting now begin.
The Hat became motionless and applause interspersed with muttering broke out.
"Shakespeare it is not," said Sukie.
"It was weird," muttered Harry.
"Why's it weird, Harry?" squeaked Ash from Harry's lap.
"It doesn't usually give warnings."
Nearly Headless Nick leaned over, through Neville, who winced. "The Hat feels honour bound to warn us if there is an external danger…"
But now they had to be silent as the Sorting proceeded. When it was over, Dumbledore rose. "To our newcomers, welcome! To our old hands, welcome back! There is a time for speechmaking, but this is not it. Tuck in!"
A sumptuous feast appeared on the tables. Sukie preferred meaty things, so tore into a joint of roasted mutton. Ash preferred vegetables, so Harry put some in a dish for her and laid it on the floor for her to eat out of.
Hermione's boy toys were feeding her bits of food with their fingers. Clearly she was enjoying this part as well.
After the feast, Dumbledore announced that Professor Grubbly-Plank would be Care of Magical Creatures teacher.
"Hagrid arranged my conception, but I'm not sorry he's gone," said Sukie.
"We are also delighted to introduce Professor Umbridge…"
"Hem, hem," went Umbridge.
Dumbledore looked taken aback for a moment, but then courteously sat down.
"Well it is lucky to be back at Hogwarts, I must say, and to see such happy little faces looking up at me."
Sukie smirked. "Does she think we're five year olds?"
Then Umbridge went on an on in a boring speech, like many muggle politicians who like the sound of their own voices, but have no charisma.
"What a load of waffle!" said Sukie when it was finished.
Hermione had to lead the first years up to Gryffindor Tower and Sukie left to take Jason to her eyrie. Harry took Ash with him to Gryffindor Tower. Hermione followed them up to the boys dormitory, followed by Dean and Seamus. Ash went to sleep curled up in a basket in the corner of the dorm.
Hermione pulled off her robes, her boobs huge and leaking milk, the lamplight shining off her green nose and forehead. "Dean, Seamus… try and satisfy me. Harry… I'll be having you later."
Harry listened to Hermione's shrieks and moans as Dean and Seamus did all they could to satisfy her. Eventually she pushed aside the curtains of his bed and knocked aside his blankets, demolishing his pants with her hands. Her green mask of a face was glistening and she was sweating all over. She was breathing hard and her pupils were dilated. She straddled him. "Dean and Seamus are about done for tonight. Your turn now, my love…"