The scene with Sam, Dean and the demon Samhain - Sam's POV

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The Unbearable Lightness of Being

The knife is gone and now I have no option left but to show this demon what happens when you screw with a Winchester…well this Winchester in particular. I raise my hand and stop his forward motion, feeling immediately the little niggling pain starting in my head.

He is struggling against me and christ…this one is strong…much stronger than what I have dealt with before but I am holding my own against him and I haven't even taken the fight up a notch yet… I haven't yet tapped the full force of the power that is starting to build within me.

A movement catches my eye and distracts me just for a moment. I flick my eyes briefly in that direction but I already know what and who it is so I try to re focus on the more immediate threat in front of me…besides…I don't want to see the look in his eyes as he watches me break my promise to him…again.

But I know that my brother watches me from the doorway, and try as I might I can't pull my whole attention back to the demon that I must defeat…that yet again has taken a step nearer… as my mind sees Dean's eyes flit to the knife on the floor and I silently beg him not to…to leave this up to me, let me handle it…let me show him just what I can do.

I don't know if he hears me or if he realises that his arrival has distracted me but he freezes there and I know that he is going to allow me to finish this on my own…even though every instinct will be screaming at him otherwise…even with the fear and pain of my actions evident in his eyes…the eyes I swore I wasn't going to look at.

I tear my thoughts back to the evil in front of me and realise that the demon has closed the gap further in the mere moment that my brother's presence had taken my full attention from the battle of wills that I am in.

With any intervention by my brother stayed I close everything else out and focus my attack.

It is intoxicating…this power…but it feels right and I get better at using it every time I try…I get stronger…more in control of it…albeit this time I've maybe pushed a little too hard…the pain a little more than usual, but then, so is the opposition. Pain is good though…my suffering can save people…I can save people…my pain is their salvation…perhaps its my salvation too. It lifts this from a curse to a gift in my eyes….I just wish that I could get my brother to see it that way too.

He's worried about me, fearful of the thing that I am or will become…I get that…I really do…but if he could only know how it feels …how much I need it.

It was my strength when he was gone.

I flipped the switch and now I find that there is no way to cut the power. Burn or be burned.

The headache starts, the pounding through my brain and I feel the blood as it trickles slowly from my nose. Time now to finish this.

Time to show both of them just what I really am capable of.

It makes one more attempt to reach me and then it is nothing but black smoke forced from its host and it drops down to the floor in the room. I resist the urge to cry out as it dissipates…unwilling to show any sign of weakness in front of my brother…although I know that the toll of my struggle shows clearly on my face.

He steps towards me and the look in his eyes changes with every one that he takes. Fear, disappointment, worry and then, worst of all, resignation all show in his eyes. I can almost see the weight of his failure settle on him.

I know he knows deep down that he can't save me, knows that whatever road I am on the only one that can save me is me but I am not sure that I want to be saved. This feels so good, so right that I can't really accept that I maybe wrong. I want to apologise to him…to tell him I tried but I can see that he already knows that…the acceptance of what I am in his eyes scares me more than his horror of it would.

I watch the struggle in him, between his love for me and his fear for and perhaps of me and I want to tell him that it is alright…that we can win this fight…but I am unable to t without the doubt that would surely sound in my voice and so stay quiet…watching him.

I brace myself for harsh words or even a blow but instead he surprises me…embraces me and I find myself leaning in, wanting the comfort that only my brother can provide…who knows how many more times there will be to find calm in this storm that is closing in on us… we are standing for the moment in its eye waiting for the winds of change to rip us apart.

I feel him tighten his grip and I return the gesture…holding on for dear life even as I feel myself slipping from his grasp.

We have each lost the other once…did things that I know we both wish we could change or forget…but I refuse for either of us to be left that broken and alone again. This power could keep us both safe from the war that surrounds us.

He has done everything he can to protect me, but how does me protect me from myself?

Then again, perhaps it is my turn to protect him?

God and the angels be damned.

Just as I am.