My own take of "Christopher Returns." As you can tell by the last chapter, Mark does not enjoy his father's company very much, while Rory does. There are parts of the real episode in here and parts that I wrote, so I don't take full responsibility for all of the content. The writers of the show wrote that.
Tell me what you think of the end.
"What kind of name is 'Straub' anyway?" Friday night, essentially the most dreaded night of the week for all except maybe Rory. The family scatters throughout the house, trying to put finishing touches on their outfits before setting off on their trek to the crematorium.
"It a name often used to describe a pompous ass." Christopher remarks, sitting on an armchair and pulling on one of his dress socks. Mark does not address his father's comment, despite his internal need to make a joke.
"Hey." Lorelai scolds. "You don't know how tonight will go. Perhaps, he might be civil." She lifts her son's shirt collar before wrapping his only tie around his neck and working to make a nice knot.
"Yeah, and the Queen is getting married to Putin." Christopher scoffs. Mark sighs, as his mother pulls his tie tightly against his neck.
"Ow, Mom." Mark pulls at it.
"Sorry, jeez." She holds her hand up on mock surrender and takes a step back. "Well, don't you look handsome?" She places her hands on her hips and gives him an approving smile.
"I look like Corporate America." He gestures to his navy suit and black tie. It had taken a lot of prompting from Lorelai to actually get him in the suit, but they had made a compromise with dark jeans and Doc Martins.
"Your grandparents are Corporate America." Lorelai laughs. Mark shrugs and plops down on the couch.
"When are we leaving?" Mark whines. "The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave."
"As soon as your sister is ready." Lorelai says, as she applies lipstick by the mirror above the answering machine.
"Hurry up, Rory!" Mark shouts, just as his sister scurries from her room and into the foyer.
"Keep your pants on." She remarks, pulling on her coat. "Let's go!"
About a half hour later, the four of them stand outside the very large wooden door, which was probably brought over on the Mayflower.
Lorelai sighs. "I've gotta see my parents."
Christopher sighs. "I've gotta see my parents."
"Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut." Rory remarks and Mark smirks. Lorelai sighs once more before using her key to open the front door.
"Hello?" Lorelai calls. "Anybody home?" Within minutes, Emily comes sauntering toward the front door with an astonished expression.
"Oh my God! You're here." She turns to Christopher and pulls him into a hug. "Christopher, look at you!"
"Emily, as always perfect." Christopher returns the gesture.
"I am so glad to see you, I didn't hear the doorbell." She tells them, as they take off their coats.
"We didn't ring the doorbell." Lorelai informs her.
"You let yourselves in?" Emily deadpans.
"It's okay Mom, look, not a rapist among us." Lorelai sasses and Mark lets out a poorly hidden snicker as he hands his coat to the maid.
"Hi Grandma." Rory says, trying to defuse the tension.
"You usually knock." Emily states.
"It's okay Grandma, Mom's been teaching me how to pick a lock. You know, because on Saturdays the town hooligans and I break into the local video store and reek some havoc." Emily stares at her grandson completely appalled.
"Kidding." Rory clarifies, nudging her brother in the ribs. "He's kidding."
Lorelai quickly lifts the keys and dangles them in front of her mother's face. "You gave us a key."
"That is for emergencies." Emily argues.
"Well mom, I'm starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?" Emily stares at Lorelai for a moment, knowing that she would love to say something to retaliate, but because Christopher is present, she simply changes the subject.
"Well, Richard's in the living room, come on in. He's dying to see you." She leads her family into the living room, where Richard sits and reads the newspaper. Rory and Mark promptly follow their grandmother, as their parents linger behind them whispering to one another.
The adults fall into light chatter about how life has been, the successes, and Christopher's business, leaving the twins to fade in and out of the conversation. Soon their grandfather appears with martinis and hands them to her parents. They all take their places around the room, Rory and Mark sitting between both their parents.
"Switch with me." Mark whispers to Rory.
"What?" She harshly whispers back.
"I don't want to sit here, just switch." He nudges her.
"Don't be two." Rory rolls her eyes, nudging him. "You just want to switch because you're sitting next to Dad."
"And?" He prompts her. "You love Dad, 'Do you think he'll stay long?'" He mimics her voice, referring to the conversation they had earlier.
"Shut up!" Rory whispers, but they are pulled out of their little bubble when Lorelai makes eye contact with Mark.
"Everything okay?" Mark doesn't respond, but simply slumps back against the couch as Rory sits a bit straighter.
The doorbell soon rings and Richard announces, "That would be Straub and Francine." Lorelai leans over Rory and whispers "Ha, ha you're turn" in their father's direction.
"I haven't seen your parents in quite a number of years. We were practically inseparable for a while." Richard tells Christopher as he makes strides towards the front door, buttoning his suit.
"I remember that." Christopher tells him. Both grandparents leave to greet their other set of grandparents.
"This is weird." Rory tells them. "These are my other grandparents. I don't even know them. What do I call them?"
"Call'em what I call'em —ass…" Christopher begins, tugging at his tie.
"Chris…" Lorelai interrupts, giving him a look.
"Sorry, my tie's too tight." He says, giving his tie a final pull.
"I second that!" Mark remarks, pulling at his tie as well.
"Just…uh…call them Straub and Francine. Call them Mr. and Mrs. Hayden. Sir and Ma'am?" Lorelai tries, playing with her martini. "Why don't you just avoid calling them anything." The twins nod.
"Works for me." Mark says.
"Look who's here." Richard announces. Suddenly, their grandparents appear with another elderly couple. A very plump man with hair whiter than any snow they had ever seen, and a thin woman with jet black hair that is obviously dyed every few weeks. Everyone gets to their feet, as one does to greet rich people.
"Hello Mother, Pop."
"Christopher." Christopher shakes his father's hand.
"Christopher, hello." Christopher's mother promptly takes hold of their father's red tie and adjusts it according to her liking.
"Mr. and Mrs. Hayden, long time no see." Lorelai says politely.
"Lorelai." Francine greets in an obviously strained tone. "You look well."
"I am, thanks." She awkwardly says. "You remember Rory and Mark. You haven't seen them in quite a while." The twins turn their attention toward the elderly couple and smile anxiously.
"No we haven't." Straub says, much like someone would say reading a science journal.
"I think they were just beginning to speak in complete sentences." Francine adds.
"So not for two years then." Lorelai quips. Straub clears his throat and Emily looks down disapprovingly. "They obviously have been talking for a long time so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a 'joke'." Mark smirks and Rory struggles to keep her face neutral despite her embarrassment.
"I see you haven't changed Lorelai." Straub comments.
"No, not at all." Lorelai dryly says.
"Rory, Mark, hello." Francine smiles, trying to include them in the conversation.
"Hi." Rory says before she does a curtsy, causing her mother and brother to snort.
"Did you just curtsy?" Mark whispers.
"Shut up." Rory whispers back.
"Sorry, Milady." Lorelai snickers
Mark turns his attention back to the woman and says, "Ma'am." He shakes her hand, but does not offer any politeness.
Everyone once again takes their places and Mark mentally rolls his eyes at the fact that they must do the whole small talk thing all over again. It isn't until Francine makes a comment about their father's tie that he gets sucked back into the conversation and becomes increasingly aware of his tie.
"Straub and Fran—Mr. and Mrs. Um…are you enjoying your time here, um…you…two?" Rory tries.
"That she got from you." Christopher whispers to Lorelai.
"Smooth, Whitman." Mark whispers in her ear, and she shoves her elbow in his rib cage in response.
"How old are you, young lady?" Straub asks her.
"Sixteen." Rory awkwardly responds.
"Dangerous age for girls." Straub remarks. If looks could kill, Lorelai's crystal eyes would have vaporized his ass. While Mark's eyebrows fly up at the comment.
"Straub…" Francine tries.
"Rory is a very special child—excellent student, very bright." Emily interjects, but the strained polite atmosphere did not last with Straub continuing to make snide comments about the children.
Before long, Lorelai decides that she wants to alleviate the focus from her children when she loudly announces that, "I hate President Bush."
"What?" Straub asks appalled.
"Lorelai…" Emily says trying to regain control of the conversation.
"Oh boy." Christopher remarks, as he leans against his legs and stares at the ground.
"He's stupid and his face is too tiny for his head and I just want to toss him out." Lorelai animatedly explains.
"That is the leader of our country, young lady." Straub argues.
"Ignore her." Richard tells Straub.
"His face is too tiny for his head, what kind of thing is that to say?" Francine asks.
"I see your daughter is just as out of control as ever." Straub tells Richard, before attacking Lorelai on her life choices and how she ruined Christopher's life by having the twins. As his comments become more and more hurtful, Lorelai turns to them and says, "Hey, go into the next room. Go, go." They both nod as they quickly exit the room, Rory makes it safe into the kitchen, but hearing Straub's comment on Rory makes Mark's blood boil.
"Now listen here, Hitler." Mark yells from the doorway, ready to pounce on the old man.
"Our son was bound for Princeton. Every Hayden male attended Princeton including myself, but it all stopped with Christopher." Straub rattles off to Lorelai, ignoring the boy. "It's a humiliation we've had to live with every day, all because you seduced him into ruining his life. She had those babies and ended his future."
Richard immediately jumps to his feet and firmly grabs a hold of Straub's arm. "You recant that Straub!"
"You're spilling my drink!" Straub shouts, trying to set the glass down.
"You owe my daughter an apology!" Richard demands.
"An apology, that's rich." Straub scoffs.
"How dare you." Mark's eyes widen as he sees his grandfather grab Straub's collar and pull him close to yell in his face. "How dare you!"
"Richard, what are you doing?" Emily shouts at them.
"How dare you come into my house and insult my daughter!" Mark smirks, quietly fist pumping and chanting 'Grandpa," when he suddenly gets an idea. He snaps his fingers and bursts into the kitchen. He finds his sister sitting on a bar stool, sipping on a cream soda.
"Rory, come on!" He motions for her to follow him. He runs to the refrigerator and pulls it open. He snatches the carton of eggs from its place before slamming the door shut and speeding out of the kitchen and the front door with his sister in tow.
"Mark!" She calls to him. "What are you doing?!" He stands madly by, what seems to be, Straub and Francine's car. She stands about ten feet away from him, with her hands under her armpits, trying to conserve heat. "You're not seriously going to egg their car are you?"
"Of course not!" Mark scoffs. "I'm not an amateur." He says referring to all of the trouble he has a reputation of getting into.
"Well, what are you going to do then?" She asks, inching towards him with curiously. He smiles wickedly, while opening the carton and revealing ten perfectly brown eggs.
"What is one thing that rich people stupidly fail to do when they are in the company of other rich people?" Mark asks her. She simply looks at him and shrugs. "Lock their cars." He tells her, swinging the driver's door open. He hands her the carton, takes an egg, and cracks it on the driver's seat.
"Mark!" Rory's eyes widen.
"Relax!" He tells her, doing the same to the passenger seat and all the other seats. Additionally, cracking eggs under seats, this time leaving the shells.
"You're awful." Rory tells her brother, while triumphantly laughing.
"Hey, he was asking for it." He smiles wickedly, holding the carton as a prize. Before they can say any more, they hear a ruckus and shouting coming from the front door. "Quick! Hide!" The twins run as fast as they can to bush nearest to them and hide behind it. They watch as Straub and Francine haughtily storm to their car. Rory anxiously grips her brother's arm, waiting for the doors to slam shut and for them to drive off, but when they do, their lips spread into wide smiles.
"This town ain't big enough for the four of us." Mark growls, drops the carton on the ground, and places his index fingers in his pockets.
"Ew, don't say that." Rory laughs. "Plus, that is mathematically incorrect. There are more than four of us."
"It is the principle of the thing." Mark argues.
"Whatever you say." Rory smiles. They look at each other and realize that there isn't anything else to do out here and it is freezing.
"Come on, let's go in through the maid's entrance in the kitchen." They stealthily scramble their way to the kitchen, being wary enough to avoid being seen through windows. They quickly enter and Mark holds the doorknob to the right, making sure it doesn't make a clicking sound. They settle in bar stools, just in time to hear their grandmother coming into the kitchen.
"There you are. I was wondering where you went." She announces, hovering beside them. They both assume somber expressions, even though their hearts were pumping about a million miles a minute.
"I'm sorry." Rory mumbles.
"No, it's nothing to be sorry about. Can I get either of you something?" She asks, inching towards the refrigerator.
"I'm fine." Rory holds up her can of soda. While Mark looks around trying to find something, and instantly picks up the baguette in front of him and shows it to his grandmother.
"Oh that's hardly dinner." Emily says, opening the refrigerator and pulling out a stack of Tupperware as Mark's eyes grow wide, hoping she doesn't notice the missing eggs. She doesn't. "Well that was quite a bit of excitement tonight."
"Oh yeah." Rory quietly responds.
"That's the Understatement of the Year." Mark scoffs, and Emily smiles sadly.
"Not the good kind of excitement, huh." She places the Tupperware on the bar and takes off the lids.
"Nope." Mark pops the 'p'.
"None of that means anything." Emily tells them.
"Oh, we know." Rory affirms.
"Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field - a very arcane aspect of International law." She takes the plates that were set out in hand and begins to serve them food from the containers. "And he's always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years." Mark and Rory look at her and nod, trying to make it seem like they buy it, but Emily knows better. "Oh let's face it - he's a big ass." The twins laugh, and their grandmother sits on the bar stool in front of them and takes a serious tone. "Rory, Mark, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear – you two, your person and your existence have never ever been - not even for a second - included in that list. Do you understand me?" She kindly asks.
"Yeah." Mark somberly nods.
"Yeah, I do." Rory dejectedly smiles.
"Good now eat up." Emily cheerfully says, handing them plates of leftovers. They grab the plates and dig in, realizing how late it was. The heat of the moment made them forget how hungry they were.
"Grandma?" Mark says.
"Yes?" Emily responds, as she pours them grape juice in elegant crystal glasses.
"What was Mom like at our age?" He shovels a forkful of green beans into his mouth.
"Your mother?" Emily lifts an eyebrow. Mark nods, as does Rory, gaining more interest.
"Well…" Emily begins, taking a sip of her juice. "Very bright. She was the top of her class you know, but with that intelligence, she was often very sarcastic and quick-witted, like she is now. This often got her into trouble, especially with adults. However, she was very much like the both of you combined." The twins look at one another with intrigue.
"How so?" Rory asks.
"Well, she was very brilliant and into all kinds of Pop culture like the both of you. She was very caring of others and charitable when it came to doing things she wanted to do, like Rory. Yet, she was very strong-willed and blunt, like Mark. Oh, the headaches she used to give us." She laughs. "That mother of yours…what can I say? She is one of a kind."
"Yeah, she is." Rory smiles. The trio continue on chattering about everything under the sun. Emily telling stories of Lorelai as a child and the twins animatedly asking questions. It wasn't until they had finished eating desert that Mark became aware of his parents' absence.
"Hey." Mark says. "Where is Mom?"
"I don't know." Rory shrugs.
"The last I saw of her was when she went into your grandfather's study." Emily informs him. He nods and excuses himself before making his way to the study. He lifts his fist up to the door and internally tries to decide whether or not to interrupt, which he ultimately decides to do.
"Come in." He hears a voice say. He tentatively opens the door and peeks his head in the room.
"Grandpa?" It takes a minute for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting, as he sees his grandfather perched behind his desk, scribbling on some paperwork.
"Hmm?" His grandfather hums, not looking up from his desk.
"Have you seen Mom?" Mark asks.
"I haven't seen your mother for quite some time now." He tells him.
"Um…oh…okay." Mark stumbles over his words, "I'll leave you to your work then." He quietly exits the room and leans against the door, wondering where his parents could be.
"Mom?" He calls as he walks into the living room and dining room, but both rooms are vacant. He ventures out to the patio, but there was no sign of them anywhere, which leads him to travel to the second floor. He peaks his head into every room, except his grandparents' room because there was no way in hell that they would be in there, until he reaches his mother's room.
He move into the room, which is presumably well lit, but there is no one to be found. He begins to exit the room, when he notices two figures out on the balcony. He enters the room further to get a better look at the balcony, definitely sure that it is his parents. And it was! Except he did not expect to find them in the state that they were in. Both of his parents looked extremely disheveled. His mother's hair tousled and both had schmutz on their faces. Mom trying to zip up her skirt and Dad buttoning his pants. When they both notice his presence, their faces drain of all color.
His eyes widen and jaw drops in utter horror. "I am so needing therapy."