Hello :)

I'm proud of myself that this time I can finish the chapter on time and update this story like how I scheduled before. This chapter is a bit angsty, but I hope you enjoy it.

I wake up to find that my body is still naked, covered by the sheet of Senpai's futon. The light of the room is on, and I take a glance to the window beside the bed to see that it's already pass the noon.

"You're awake?" I almost jump from hearing Saga-senpai's voice from beside the bed. I tilt my head to my right, and I see Senpai is lying on the floor while reading a book, topless. He closes the book and put it on a pile beside him before he sits up. "Want oolong tea?" He asks.

"Oh, let me help Sen-" Just as I was about to sit, my back suddenly hurts, as if thousands of needles are stroked inside. I gasp and limp back to the bed. I curl up my body, embarrassingly holding my waist to calm down the pain on my hips. I cannot gaze back to Senpai, for he walks to the side of the bed and approach my head with his big hand, gently combing my bangs backward.

"Did it really hurt this time?" He asks in a very sympathetic manner. "You were crying so much… But I couldn't hold myself, too. I'm sorry." Oh how can I stop my own blood from rushing to the tip of my head, knowing him so chivalrous and thoughtful for me, yet at the same time so honest of his weakness to me? I must be a red tomato by now.

And of course, my eyes have no enough courage to meet his, so I just shut them and laugh nervously. "No, no, hahaha…"

"It's alright, Senpai, I…" I open my eyes but still cannot bring them to look at him. "If it's with you… I'm okay…"

Of course it's okay. Few hours ago we were making love; Senpai was giving me his love, and it felt so good. And now he is worrying me, caressing me with his touch on my face and hair… How can I ask for more?

He's leaning down onto my face and I can't avoid his amber orbs anymore. His handsome face is just an inch from my nose now, and I voluntarily do something he taught a while ago—I separate my lips, readying myself to welcome his and his tongue. But he only complies with slightly chewing my lower lips before his mouth comes closer to my left ear.

"Just… next time, tell me if you want me to stop…" he whispers with a somewhat repressed voice. It's like he's actually afraid that I'm really going to tell him to stop if that happens again. Oh… of course I won't, Senpai. I promise myself for a millionth time now; I love him no matter how much pain I have to endure. Because, Senpai is… so gentle, so attentive to me. For a second I could think selfishly that he's like this because of love—because he loves me. And I believe that Senpai would never hurt me, ever.

Saga-senpai pulls back from me and starts to walk to the end of the bed. I can't really see what he's doing down there because I'm still tired enough to raise my head. Soon, Senpai walks back to me with his body already covered by a white shirt of our school uniform, unbuttoned. On his hands are a set of, I guess, my uniform. He put it on the futon and once again he ruffles my hair.

He says nothing, but I enjoy this. I wouldn't get much of his touch in the school anyway, so I want to savor anything he gives to me.

Senpai is leaving me alone; he should be making tea on the first floor.

Not long after he left, I tried to sit and put on my underwear and pants. Although it was a success, my bottom still sore when sitting, so now I stay still on the edge of Senpai's futon. I take my time to observe his room to distract myself from the soreness.

So many piles of books in every corner of the room: one pile at the opposite of the bed, two beside the bed, and one or two piles near the door. Senpai is having his own library in his room, and I smile at the very own fact.

After several times I came here, I realized that the books become more organized. Oh, my uniform was also folded neatly when I received it earlier. As a boy who, as he said, 'pretty much live alone', he is independent and able to manage himself well. Oh well… I'm so happy I learn something new about him today, and I won't stop learning more about him.

What about the books here? I've read all of the school library's books—all that he had read. It wouldn't hurt to read the ones here, right? Just to understand him more…

Also…

The door is opened and Senpai enters with both his hands holding a glass of cold oolong tea. I gape at his sudden appearance.

What if I ask him whether he loves me or not?

It is not wrong to ask that, is it? All these time I was too shy to ask anything.

What kind of book he likes? I didn't ask, I just read all the books he read.

What kind of food he likes? I don't know. I only know he is fond enough of fast-foods. Maybe he also cooks for himself? I don't know…

What type of girl he likes? Nah, I heard he reject several girls who confessed to him. Of course I can't ask this.

His favorite animal? I only know he's friendly with cats.

What else? His shoe-size? His favorite color? Umm… I guess I can find it later… I can just peek at his shoes for the number, and his closet and other things to see what color dominates them…

But only this one…

To ask him directly, just to hear it, to know it, would make me the happiest person alive. This is not the thing that I can stalk. I can't stalk Saga-senpai's heart.

"Ano, Senpai…" Still on his futon, I change my sitting position to face him properly. I can see his curiosity from his eyes. He put the glasses on the table beside the TV and sits on the futon in front of me.

"We are… going out, right?" I look down to my lap, partly because I'm too embarrassed to look at him, and partly because there's a glimpse of confidence inside me that believes his answer is positive.

"Huh?" He replies.

Huh, he said. Huh? I still look down, but I'm getting a clue from his hand gesture—maybe he's starting to button up his shirt.

Was my voice too low? Maybe he can't hear me clearly? Or maybe my question was too ambiguous…

"I-I mean… Senpai never said anything about this…" I continue.

Well, I just have to blast it; to put it simply. I have to ask him right away… I have to be braver and raise my confidence. Ask him, now.

"Saga-senpai… do you love me?"

Silence ensues among us and we both freezes at the moment. I clench my right ankle. Now that I I've asked him, there's no need to be nervous or embarrassed anymore. I still can't bring myself to look at him but I'm ready to hear his answer.

"Heh…"

Ha? What is it? A snort? Did he laugh? He-

I look up to see that his hand is clasping before his mouth, vainly trying to hide the curve of his lips which implies that he…

…was laughing.

HE LAUGHED AT ME. Why? What did I do wrong? Is it his answer? He never loved me?

Was he just toying with me all this time?

My mind goes blur. I blankly stares at him but I feel nothing—just emptiness. I can see he's getting ready to set off the futon while he says something like "omae" and "why asking now", or did I hear it wrong? And isn't it supposed to be Ritsu, not "omae"? Dammit!

So he's just playing with me. How convenient.

I gave my body, my time, my everything, just to know him, just to get closer to him. I love him and this is his answer.

In the end, I was used to accompany him in his loneliness, to satisfy his physical desire, and to follow him around like an idiot.

And his teasing, his sardonic smiles and giggles, his touch, the sex… It was just a game for him. I was just a fool to my first love.

For a moment, I have the strength to stand up steadily beside the bed and do the quickest calculation ever. It takes seven normal steps to the door, and before I start to run I'll take the rest of my clothes and grab my bag. I'll run as fast as I can to the stairs and climb it down while I button my shirt, then I'll put on my shoes without tying them—I don't want to stay any longer near him—from Senpai's house entrance I'll run to the nearest station, heading to my home, to my bedroom, throw myself to my bed, and pray that this is just a dream.

But my body acts the opposite of my calculation. When Senpai walks to the table where the tea is, I yell "BASTARD!" at his back while I prepare myself to run. Then I run in just four steps toward Senpai before I jump and land a kick on his head, exactly when he turns around to face me. He falls to one pile of books as I grab my uniform jacket and my bag on the floor near the end of the bed.

I was sprinting downstairs when I feel my heel touches something furry. What the- It's the cat, and he gets mad at me for almost stepping on him, then he claws rudely to my palm when I try to signal my apology to him. I hiss at the scratches he made, but I quickly turn back to my route.

After minutes of scurrying, I slowly stop and lean my shoulder on an electrical pole which I don't know how far from Senpai's house. Sweats running over my body and my chest hurt from running. I look around. Few people were staring at me strangely before I feel a chill and realizes my shirt hasn't been buttoned. I soothe my top and tie my shoes.

As I stand up again, the street lights are lit, illuminating the road which is getting darker. It's already evening, and I don't really know this area. Usually, Senpai walks me back at least to the nearest train station. Even sometimes, if it's already too late at night, he'd come along until we arrive at my stop, then he'll take the train back. He said it's because he was bored and got nothing to do at home. At that time, I'd positively thought that he did it because he cares for me…

How wonderful those days-

Oh, please, just stop already! Forget it and forget him! He don't love you!

Saga Masamune never love you, baka-Ritsu!

It's almost 10 o' clock and it's raining.

I'm very thankful that the guards are still awake; they were ordered by my mother to wait for me until midnight. They open the gate and the main entrance, and I enter the house before I take off my shoes quietly. I find that almost all the lights inside are already off, except one from the family room on the right side of me. I believe my mother is still up to wait for me too, so I tiptoe inaudibly along the corridor.

Trails of water are left on my footsteps but I don't care. I have to pass the family room to get to the stairs and to my room. Just, please, God, let me sleep. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally, and I don't want to face any of my mother's anger right now. And since when the corridor becomes so long that it takes like hours just to reach the stairs at the end of it?

"Ritsu, come here!" I shudder when I hear the stern voice of my mother. She spotted me...

I turn to the right, properly facing her who sits on a bright yellow sofa. Her angered bright green eyes are shot to mine.

I walk into the room. As I'm getting closer to her, disbelief and shock is gradually hovering her face. She realizes that I'm in a messed-up state. My clothes are dirty and wet and I reek of rain and sweat. She purses her lips when I stop just before her.

"Didn't you promise to call home whenever you go out after school or staying a night at your friend's?" She says. It's clear enough she's repressing her stress.

But I answer nothing. My mind is still blank despite that my mother's voice shrieks through my ears.

"And look at you," She bluffs as she narrows her eyes and observes me from hair to toe. "What were you doing? Don't tell me you're involved in some high-school gangster."

I keep silent. I don't know what to say. Would it be normal if I just blurt out 'Mom, I got dumped by a boy who never love me since day one'? Would that be good?

"What is it? Why don't you say something? You're not usually like this, Ritsu."

I had enough.

I let go of my jacket and bag, then I drop myself on my knees and throw my face on her lap. I hug her waist tightly like a baby boy who's afraid of the world around him. I hear she gasps, but soon I feel her hands on my shoulder, gently massaging and patting me, soothing me from the pain intangible to her.

"Ritsu…" She hushes me softly. "What in the world happened to you…?"

I can't hear what she says anymore. The rain that eventually pouring harder is deafening me.

I am suffocated by my own tears. I scream in silent. For God's sake, it hurts; my aching back, the stingy scratches on my hand, and the twinge of my feet which kicked Senpai too hard that my bone almost cracked, added with my non-stop running. But none of them are comparable to what my heart is suffering now, because unrequited love with so many sacrifices wasted hurts thousand times more than any physical pain. As if your mind and soul bleeds the most.

I come into a conclusion that this is the result of loving someone: it cost you a lot when all you get are the fucks only. First love never lasts, it's true, though I never imagine I'd end up tormented like this.

This should be my first and my last. Never will I love again, nor will I get myself hurt by hoping someone's love anymore.

I wish I never knew you, Saga Masamune. I wish I never loved you.

And be it a girl or a boy, I'd never fall in love again.

That's it. As usual, your reviews and comments are my life, so don't forget to click the review button below^^

Personally I think this chapter is a bit crappy because of my grammar (I'm still not confident enough) but I hope I depict Ritsu's expression and emotion well enough here. Do you think I should continue this so it'd be a 3-shots?

Anyway, once again: Thank you for reading (and reviewing, of course!) :)